how do you deal with someone who runs from problems?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by NCS, Feb 22, 2010.

  1. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    what the title says. my gf has this awful habit of running from issues. if something is getting her down or her mood is too bad, she's grumpy and doesn't really want to do anything / talk / hang out, whatever

    this of course leads to strange tension for a few days, then goes away by itself, then comes back, etc.

    since she doesn't like confrontation when it comes to problems, theres not much to do but voice my opinion and wait. it always sorts itself out but i'm getting tired of all the down time.
     
  2. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I use this litte thing called communication to try and address the issues and if that doesn't work, I leave.
     
  3. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    :hs: Yeah, ya don't really. If she won't communicate with you, there isn't much you can do. You can't force her to speak.

    Deal with it or peace the fuck out. :hs:
     
  4. Mr. November

    Mr. November Guest

    .

    I'm fairly new to this logic, though. It made itself apparent in my last relationship. I'm just glad I finally realized that an unwillingness to communicate probably means there's a bigger issue at hand.
     
  5. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    My ex had that issue she called it "Trying to avoid confrontation" all it really translated to however, was "not taking any responsibility for her feelings or thoughts" basically, she ran from all the problems and never voiced anything until it all built up for 1 1/2 years and we finally broke up.

    Big time "LOSE"

    People who seem too perfect (bottle it all up inside) and tend to be passive aggressive.
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Typically it's because they don't care, or because they fail fucking hard at communicating.

    Both are pretty big red flags.

    Or something else is going on.

    It's a touchy situation, and not good for sustaining LTRs.

    IB you build huge levels of resentment and you are the one to end the relationship.
     
  7. LudaMan

    LudaMan New Member

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    If she's not mature enough to talk out her problems and communicate with you, then my guess is that she's not for you.
     
  8. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    Couple therapy or break up unless you don't mind being frustrated.
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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  10. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    Or the option that everyone likes to ignore, the way you communicate and/or resolve conflict is the cause of the entire issue.

    Maybe she isn't running from the issue, maybe shes running from your reaction to issues. This doesn't even necessarily mean that the way you deal with things is "bad", though it may be.

    I have no knowledge of the situation here, but im just putting that out there as an option that may have been overlooked.

    :mad: don't even get me started. I strongly disagree. see above
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
  11. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    I agree 100%
     
  12. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I should have clarified.

    Typically I would say it is one of those two reasons, but the distribution is a lot more at "failing at communicating" than at "not caring."

    But "not caring" is valid. People get in relationships all the time when they don't really care about the other person and, as such, cannot come up with the "proper" reaction to problems because they just don't care, and they know they can't fake it, so they ignore it. Paradoxically, this sometimes increases the other persons attraction. Look at what happens on Tool Academy, for example. I know that's a reality show with bad acting, but the principle holds true:

    The guys don't really care.

    The girls get upset and want to communicate.

    The guys don't (partially because they suck at communicating, but also because they don't really care).

    It makes the girls want the guys even more.

    Look how often it is "If my guy gets eliminated it's OVER." And then her guy gets eliminated and she's all "OMG I LOVE U LETS WORK ON THINGS!!"

    Exactly what happens in real life, in principle.
     
  13. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    there is a huge difference between ignoring something and avoiding something. Avoiding something is not a logical response to a situation you don't care about. Ignoring it is. Not sure how you are trying to use the two interchangeably
     
  14. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    When I met my husband he was like this. I basically forced him to communicate with me instead of leaving or closing down. After a while of him exploding and telling me what he was thinking (exploding emotionally and not physically) he realised that it wasn't as bad as he had made out in his head. He still shuts down now, but not as much as previously and usually it just takes me to sit down next to him and say I am not okay and it goes from there.

    It took me many years to change his habit. I had to bite by tongue a lot, because at the end of the day if you push them too much they will clam up altogether.

    Communicate. Change the words you use to be less attacking or blaming. Sometimes just a cuddle is all that they need to open up. At least in my husband's case because he is a pisces :rofl: (and if you hadn't noticed already, I am an aries :p)
     

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