How do you deal with jealousy?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by haargerman, Jul 17, 2008.

  1. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    I'd like to get some opinions on how some of you deal with jealousy, as far as your significant other spending a lot of time with a member of the opposite sex.

    STORY:

    I just got back from visiting my GF or almost 2 years (We have a LDR for the summer). While I was there I noticed every morning/night she would be messaging a guy-friend of her's on Facebook. She never said anything about it, and when I asked she would avoid the topic.

    She NEVER brings him up in conversation, either on the phone, or e-mail. If I didn't look over her shoulder and see that message, and I would no idea they were really close friends. While I was visiting her, they didn't talk much and I met the guy. But, her Facebook was open one day, (I was snooping, is this crossing the line?) and I noticed they have been messaging each other for awhile and plan a lot of things together (dancing, dinner with friends, pick-up soccer games with other people and stuff). Most recently she has agreed to be his dance partner for a class he is taking (He is not gay, I swear).

    Like I said before, she never brings him up in conversation, and usually never even tells me what she does during her free time unless I ask. Sometimes when I ask, it's vague like "Hung out with people".

    Also, recently she has been more "Oh, I miss you..I wish I was with you, etc..etc.." It just started happening recently, like all of a sudden she started saying these things.




    So, even though I don't want to feel jealous, but I can't help myself! She messed up last summer, but I'm over that...We have talked a lot about it, and I don't think she would ever do it again. We have been talking about our relationship (as far as keeping the romance alive) lately as well.

    Am I in the wrong for snooping in her facebook?
    What do you guys do as far as battling jealousy?

    Sorry this is so long.

    Cliffs:
    GF lives 2,200 miles away this summer.
    GF is messaging other dude on facebook. I snoop.
    GF is dancing (once or twice a week, there is a usually a group, but I guess they dance together a lot because he teaches her how to swingdance) and hanging out with him, but doesn't openly tell me about it.
    How do you deal with feelings of jealousy?
     
  2. Original

    Original OT Supporter

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    just realize it's a phase and remember that you trust her.

    the more time you have to wonder, the more you'll stress yourself out. keep yourself busy.

    i wouldn't badger her about it, but if you've brought it up and she doesn't wanna talk about it then that could be different. i'd expect her to be completely open about it as you are with her

    :dunno:
     
  3. arsbu

    arsbu New Member

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    Did you mention the backstory to this somewhere and I just missed it?

    And not to scare you, but if you take a look at the 'how you found out your SO was cheating' thread, it seems like she's doing the same thing.

    As somebody said in that thread, it's when they stop saying "I'm hanging out with Bob" and start saying "Nothing, just hanging out with some friends" is when you should worry.
     
  4. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    Yeah, see thats why I worry.

    Well, last summer, she was drinking with this other dude and they made out. But the guy she is hanging out with this summer doesnt drink. And I would hope he wouldn't be that much of a scumbag to make a move on her.
     
  5. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    If you can manage perhaps you should go out w/the group of friends. Stake the claim, so to speak.

    Competition looks fierce, dude.
     
  6. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Communication!
    BF and I had an issue with this recently, we both discussed our jealously over the issue, and were able to laugh at how stupid it was after a talk.
     
  7. arsbu

    arsbu New Member

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    This is probably the best idea, but if she somehow turns it around on you and makes you the bad guy...then refer to the other thread...
     
  8. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    haha, sure thing.
     
  9. Tzuma

    Tzuma New Member

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    A big part in not being jealous, is having a partner you trust, and who is honest with you.

    By using pronouns and a lack of specifics, I worry that your jealousy is not somewhat founded in good reason. Is she specific if she hangs out with her girlfriends (Oh, jenny and I did blahblahblah), and not when shes hanging out with guys? Also, Id think in a serious relationship, something like joining a dance class would be information youd openly want to share with your significant other.

    She may not be lying, but she does seem to be hiding a lot too. Have you proven to be a jealous person in the passed, so shes worried youll freak out over what may be nothing? Or does she have no reason to hide things from you?

    It could be that being that far away shes emotionally clinging to someone who can be there to do things with, but until you talk to her you dont know. You have to communicate to her what youre feeling, and what SPECIFIC things have happened that strengthen your fears.

    Who knows, you could be laughing about it by tomorrow.
     
  10. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    She will usually tells me when he is present in a group of people. I don't actually know if they have hung out alone or not.

    I have proven to be jealous in the past, and thats what I am trying to work on. Last summer, I put my trust in her and didn't say anything when she started hanging out with the guy she eventually cheated on me with. Since then it's been a different story...and it bugs me.
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    while its not cool that a guy knowingly hooks up with a girl who has a bf, its not entirely the guys fault. dont forget that your gf took part in this, and if she is hanging out alone with dudes, it seems to be willingly

    if you are worried about it, ask her. bring him up, see how she reacts. if shes willing to talk about him, you are probably fine. if she is super vague, thats a bad sign
     
  12. GTLifter

    GTLifter Banned

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    that should raise some eyebrows...
     
  13. fray

    fray New Member

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    jealousy is not always a bad thing. sometimes it is a warning sign.
     
  14. fishjie

    fishjie New Member

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    you have right to be concerned. lets face, the guy isn't her friend and going on dancing and dinner dates because he enjoys her company and personality. he wants to bone her.

    so the two possible outcomes are:
    1. he is friendzoned and he wants to bone her and will be doing every possible thing to make it happen.
    2. she wants him too and they have been doing it.

    1 is better than 2, but even in the case of 1, i still wouldn't like it. when a girl friendzones a guy she is more than aware that he wants to bone her, but by continuing to hang out with them she is encouraging him to keep chasing her. not cool imo.
     
  15. Imok

    Imok New Member

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    people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If she's cheated before, I'd be concerned.
     
  16. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    They do it once they will do it again. In all my experiences of being cheated on after me being a coward and letting them back they did it again. Once I grew my pair I realized it is human nature. Humans want what they can't have, it's that desire. If they break it once they will damn well do it again knowing they can get away with it, if they can or not doesn't matter it's the fact that they did.

    Lose her because she will do it again even if it isn't with fabio the dance partner. Your better than that and should have someone who is solely with you if thats what your looking for.

    Don't believe me, come back when it happens and you will.
     
  17. scent of a wookie

    scent of a wookie OT Supporter

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    honestly, if I were you, I'd be worried
     
  18. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I have issues with forgiving a cheater...mainly because in the back of their mind, they have "Well, worst case scenario, he forgave me last time, he might forgive me again..."

    I'm not saying she's cheating, but considering the factors...she's done it before, you're 2000 miles away, she's young, in college, etc.

    But if they are messaging/hanging out daily, the repeated exposure alone is going to build attraction.

    I dunno man...she might not be cheating, but it would be really hard to tell in this situation.
     
  19. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    definitely not by not dealing with it.

    once a cheater always a cheater.
     
  20. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    cheating on you adn you dont see it lol
     
  21. BlackBuick1987

    BlackBuick1987 New Member

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    You got more patience than I would. I would be flipping out by now given her past behavior. Question her about it and if she dodges the question I would bet anything she is cheating, or you have been replaced already and she does not have the heart to tell you.
     
  22. Ari1979

    Ari1979 New Member

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    This situation would never arise in my relationship because of the very fact that we're both prone to jealousy. Constantly talking and making plans with the same single guy would infuriate me. I would leave someone who needed to be THAT close with another guy.

    This would be very different at the begining of a relationship but 1+ years? fuck that.
     
  23. Ari1979

    Ari1979 New Member

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    And yes snooping is wrong but if i was in your shoes I would have already gone through her entire phone, facebook/myspace, and email.
     
  24. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    If you're at that point, it's not worth it...just end the relationship when you find yourself having to snoop that much.
     
  25. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    You sound like me. But a guy.

    So I'm glad to see that other jealous people DO exist. My boyfriend was starting to me make think I was crazy.

    The way I deal with it? Well since my boyfriend isn't miles away I just yell and scream and run around like a paranoid little bitch. :mamoru: Not very productive, but at least it gets me some attention.

    And my boyfriends reasons for not bringing up female friends? -- I'd get jealous and assume he's cheating. :squint: And he says I'm the crazy one.. If I don't know about things, what I'm I supposed to think when I randomly find out??

    So I know where you're coming from. All you can do is try and trust them. Yea, there is a 50/50 chance that they'll break your heart and make you want to kill yourself (again, since you've already been cheated on - Like me!) but they could also grow up and start talking to you. Part of the problem really might be with communication. Have you guys set boundaries?? That is VERY important. Different people have different views as to what is acceptable and what isn't in a relationship. Maybe your GF honestly thinks that this behavior of having "secret" male friends is acceptable. She could be completely faithful to you but because you have different view points on relationships, you guys are now starting to clash.

    You can't have relationships without 3 things - Trust, honesty and communication and unless those 3 get worked on ASAP then it's time to end it.


    But it might be a good idea to let her know you're jealous.. Don't give details, but just joke that she's out doing all these "fun things" and you're just moping around. If she comes clean about the dancing than at least you can't start a conversation, if not then wait and talk to her face to face when she gets back.
     

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