SRS How do you cope with the drastic change/death of a parent?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Navvik, Jun 18, 2009.

  1. Navvik

    Navvik Active Member

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    Like the title suggests. My mother is very ill. But because i live in MN and they live in NJ i havent seen her for a few years. We never really got along but... I never thought my parents would die. I think the saying is " mother(or father) is god in the eyes of a child." Her mind is deteriorating and she doesnt remember anything anymore and its just so hard to watch. She's not eating and I feel bad for wishing her death, not because i dont get along with her but because I dont want to see her suffer anymore. Does it ever stop hurting?
     
  2. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    :hug: I'm so so sorry.

    My SO was in the same position 4 years ago. He had bee estranged from his mom for about 9 years. They started talking again 2 weeks before she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. She died very soon after.

    I'm not sure it gets better, but it becomes manageable. The days are easier to get through. :hug:
     
  3. disley

    disley Ooooh no it isn't. Ooooh yes it is. OT Supporter

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    You'll manage, we all do, it's up to you to decide if you want to visit her or not, if you can, why not.
     
  4. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Visit her. Don't hurt yourself by carrying the guilt of not having made an attempt. Once she's gone, you can't take it back. She may not know, but you will.

    The pain will pass. It's unfortunate that you're having to go through this. Death is hard, but living is harder -- especially when we're the ones left behind.
     
  5. Navvik

    Navvik Active Member

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    Well i want to. but she doesnt remember any of us. me and my siblings are like strangers to her. :hs: i talked to her on the phone earlier and i barely held it together. I had to remind her of what she recalled as being her fondest memory of me. which is me in a play as moses. and then it was " who's moses, do i know him" and so on. I mean she knows something's wrong with her when she says stuff like that, then a couple of minutes later its " what do you want to have for lunch?" even though i'm pretty sure she's eaten lunch already.
     
  6. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Go. It's for you. When she's gone, you'll carry the memory of having been there -- even if she couldn't remember. Alzheimers and forms of Dementia are very difficult illnesse -- tragic really. You'll be helping yourself move past it in the long run by doing this.
     
  7. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    you need to go visit her... how is this even a question? GO
     
  8. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    then go. there is little at this time that will make you feel good, so you need to make sure you do the things that will

    my mom passed away 10 years ago, and it still sucks. i still miss her every day. it doesnt ever stop hurting, you just learn how to live through the day. a way to help that is to make sure you dont have any guilt. seeing her, telling her you love her (even if she doesnt know who you are) will help ease any guilt you might have.
     
  9. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Experiences like that are called scars for a reason -- they heal partway and fade over time, and they only hurt when you poke them. How much it hurts depends on how often you poke.
     
  10. Kafka

    Kafka New Member

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    :ugh:
     
  11. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    It stops being really painful all of the time but it never goes away. I still see things pretty often that are painful. Last night I was walking to the post office and there was a father walking along with his son who was probably about 10 and they were just chatting and it made me very. :hs: Days like father's day, his birthday, the day he died, etc, are all harder than the average day but it never goes away. It will be 10 years ago next month that my dad died.
     
  12. Kafka

    Kafka New Member

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    :hug:
     
  13. Navvik

    Navvik Active Member

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    I scheduled a flight to see my mother. Its at the end of july ( the only time i could get off from work) I guess I'll update then.
     
  14. skierd

    skierd Member

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    Hope you get there with time to spend with her. My grandmother died in October, she lived with me (and my dad) for the better part of 20 years and it took a lot to get over. I don't want to even think about losing my parents...
     
  15. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    You obviously have no idea what I was trying to say. Sorry I went over your head.

    Eventually he'll only feel bad about the death of his mother when he chooses to think about it -- that's what the poking was a metaphor for.
     
  16. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    The first several weeks after drastic change or death are the hardest. But as time goes on you learn to live with the new changes in your own life. You will go through alot of ups & downs emotionally. Go visit your mother, show her you care, even if she won't remember. After death, you still go through a series of different emotions. It takes about 2 years or so for things to feel "normal" again, but the new normal is different, life has changed but you have a new/normal routine. This is especially true if a sick/dying relative is/was living with you and you are the one providing the care to them.

    Of course everything depends on each person individually, though, how one was brought up to deal with life's problems etc. Some people are able to pick up the pieces and march on almost immediately, others take longer to recover.
     
  17. Shayes

    Shayes OT Supporter

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    i just finished reading a book. very tragic, a little depressing. essentially the kid never got to say goodbye to his father, but he had the chance, he just didnt want to risk finding out if it was true that his father was in a near death experience.

    i would never forgive myself if i had the chance to say goodbye to my father, but didnt take it. dont do anything you know you will regret
     
  18. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    my very good friends mother just passed. the funeral was a week ago today, actually.

    the day of the funeral he told me he never realized how important a mother was. and that i should really try to patch things up with my mom because you never know what could happen. he had his regrets. i would go see her.
     
  19. disley

    disley Ooooh no it isn't. Ooooh yes it is. OT Supporter

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    The death of my parents was easier to accept because they were old and had a good life. My Dad died in his chair reading the paper, from heart failure, 9 mths after my Mom, who died from breast cancer.
    They'd brought me up to be independent and self reliant, I would call them a few times a year as I live a long distance from them.
    I'd offered to have them live with me, but they were happy and independent till the end, my Dad took care of my Mom. He died because he missed her I think.
    I am glad they had a good life together and it helps get over it.
     
  20. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    Go and hold her hand. Even if she doesn't recognize you, your touch will make both of you feel close. You'll have that to remember later.
     
  21. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    My dad died VERY suddenly like one day he was here and we talked and interacted, the next he's gone forever. It sucked bad but it does get easier.

    I recently heard an idea that I had never heard before and I really like it. I was told that Native Americans view death and "loss of memory" differently than most Americans do. I'm sure others in the world have similar beliefs and I'm certainly not trying to speak for all Native Americans.

    Anyways, many Americans believe that the elderly/sick person has forgotten what happened in the past even in the recent past. However, Native Americans, at least some of them, believe that the person is actually between worlds and they are actually spending time in both the spiritual and physical worlds. So when the elderly/sick talk about seeing long lost loved ones or if they mistake us for someone who's been gone a long time, they may actually be interacting with that other person on the "other side". We may also bear a striking resemblance to how those other people looked at a different age and that simply adds to the confusion.

    When I told my mom about this she agreed and told me a story I had never heard before about my grandmother that passed away in the early 90s. She said that she went to see her mother one day and while she seemed very alert, she was carrying on about all the people that she was talking to and hanging out with. My mom said, "I knew I had a choice....I could either go with the flow or bring her back to reality." She said she chose to go with the flow and said it was actually one of the best talks that she had had with her mom. Her mom kept going on and on about all the people that were previously departed but were sitting right there with them.

    When she was telling me this, she was really smiling and going on and on about how much fun they had together. She could have easily chosen the other path to "keep it real" but why not go with the fantasy....it might actually be occurring and she just wasn't able to see it.

    Hang in there and try not to be too hung up on the past with your parents. I can assure you, there are many things I regret saying to my dad the last day we saw each other.....and that was 20 something years ago. I still remember the events that transpired and it totally sucks sometimes because I can't apologize to him. Yeah we had a big fight and then he died. I can assure you that nothing since those days has made me feel good about that fight except my belief that his spirit lives on and that he knows I'm sorry. Wow...I just got a big lump in my throat. 20+ years later and it still makes me sad.

    Please don't waste an opportunity to let go of your past hurt and forgive. It's so difficult but man, I wish I could have done that.

    Anyways, good luck and God Bless.
     
  22. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    :hug: It's been 3.5 years as of next week. It will get a tad easier however there are still days. Just don't do what I did! This isn't a bragging post this is a I set down and figured up how much money I've blown in 4 years post... thru the ups and downs I turned to food, fast cars, new trucks (remember when I went thru 3 GMT900 SUV's the first year or so they came out?!), etc. All I did was hurt myself, gain 100lbs, lose my self respect for myself, lose most of my friends, and blow over 1 million dollars. I'd buy something the new would wear off and I would either sell it, give it away or just throw it in the back of the closet. I'd get upset and move hours away then get depressed and move back, while still paying on an empty apartment until my lease was up. you brain makes you do funny things when you're out of control and not thinking properly. I've damaged many a friendship and I am just now starting to feel the ramifications of the last 4 years of my life. So please try to keep a level (as possible) head and I will be thinking of you.
     

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