SRS How do introverts find love?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Blahaboxxx, Dec 27, 2006.

  1. Blahaboxxx

    Blahaboxxx OT Supporter

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    I find myself very conflicted over this question. I prefer to spend my time alone or in quiet group settings. A best friend is someone I don't have to talk to all of the time. So I will admit I sometimes will blow off friends for a week or two before trying to hang out again, I even do this with my roommates (though, in either case, this is not very often in the scheme of things).

    With this in mind I hear a lot of bullshit talk about friendzones and first impressions being make-or-break with girls. But if it's all true then I have every reason to believe that my personality works against me here.

    I've tried being a sociable 24/7 kind of person and I eventually burned out and moved away to avoid the whole situation, so changing myself isn't really an option. Which brings me back to my initial question; how does someone like myself find a girl who can deal with the social shortcomings?

    I think it's awkward to sort of "befriend" someone to get used to their presence and then trying to make a move... any constructive advice/suggestions/discussion would be appreciated.:hs:
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    first, try to distinguish between introversion and shyness.

    Now, if you're just an introvert, then realize that even introverts shine when in the safety of their intimate circle of friends.

    This also happens when they are engaged in a cherished activity with a small group of likeminded folk.

    So become interested in, and engage in some activity that you like. You will come out of your shell when you find those rare souls who seem to "get" you.

    This is most easily accomplished when you have a common activity to share.


    If however if you are shy (as in bordering on 'social anxiety')...the above still somewhat applies but you will need to work at it, and it could take longer and require more fortitude on your part.

    Now, if you're painfully, extremely shy ("social anxiety"), so much that you find it difficult to talk to others...well that's another topic, but based on your self history, that doesn't seem the case here, so I won't get into that.



    You will notice that this is all in the context of seeking friends, not "girls". But really, if you're having issues in this area (getting girls), I think you're best served by seeking friends first.

    This helps you polish your social skills, and remember that some of those 'friends' will be girls. And introverted girls have trouble making dates too.

    So go find those friends first. You might just find a nice girlfriend where you least expect it.
     
  3. Blahaboxxx

    Blahaboxxx OT Supporter

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    I've been trying to read up on the subject because I was unsure of why I found myself avoiding some social settings. I'm reasonably certain that it is introversion as opposed to anxiety that keeps me "aloof".

    I guess where some of my problem here is that the activities I MOST enjoy do not require other people, they can be a distraction - enjoying a really good cd or movie, for example. Even my career is a generally solitary position, I work on a team but mostly just for accuracy of results. "That was a really fun set of projections we just did, huh?" doesn't really sound like a good approach, to me.

    I guess I'm not as imaginative in my shareable interests as I could be. It just seems like such a simple solution.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Living like a hermit isn't good.

    What worked for me is (seriously) downloading winamp, and listen to comedy central 1 hour a day. Just listen and enjoy it, and you'll notice how fantastic talking to other people can become if you include humor in it.

    Then using that humor to talk to other people, really makes you laid back and if you have a great time talking then opening yourself up doesn't become all that bad anymore. :wavey:

    Just remember to be like a castle gate, only open yourself up to good people/things/events, and close yourself to bad people/things/events as you don't want and shouldn't allow people to destroy your emotional health.
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You seem like an intelligent fellow. Can you come up with at least -something- that you enjoy that, short of requiring participation of others, at least allows for it?

    If you care to list some of your favorite types of activities, we might begin to develop a short list...



    And when you say it seems like a simple solution...it IS just that simple.

    You will be amazed that when you put yourself in a situation where you will encounter persons of similar interests...surprise, they are often similarly tempered as well...and then the friendship comes easily and naturally because it is based on a mutual shared interest.

    Not forced, as you say above, when you're being friendly for the ulterior motive of specifically trying to "get friendship".

    Friendship itself isn't an end product to be obtained, its the by product of shared interest and mutual respect.
    Put those two together, and you will make friends.

    After that, let's see about female friends....we go on from there.
    It really isn't that hard.


    Skydiving isn't hard either. 90% of it is just putting yourself into that situation.
    The rest...just comes naturally given the correct pre-conditions.


    I can tell you personally that love happens in the oddest places. You just need a girl, and there are girls everywhere. Each one of them is a potential.

    You just need to find where the similar ones are, and you start by focusing on common interests.
    After that, it's just a numbers game, of getting yourself out there so the interaction can start.


    You might even come to a point where you don't want any particular love relationship, because you're not ready to settle yet.
    Believe it. It can happen.
     
  6. giz

    giz Active Member

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    Thanks for the great post johan. I may not be a part of this conversation, but I can associate with with the OP is feeling, and I appreciate what you have said there.
     
  7. doublegunsstk

    doublegunsstk New Member

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    I agree with these comments. Often times people do not need to "change" themselves; rather, they need to change thier social enviorments. Find people who are similiar, and you'll not need to change :)
     
  8. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    I force myself in social settings. When I would rather just sit home and watch TV, I tell myself "Is that who you really want to be? The guy who sits at home when he could be out meeting people?"

    When i'm out, I force myself to display extrovert characteristics. After a while, it just becomes part of who you are.
     
  9. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    In for later cuz I'm an introvert (but a busy one, hence the "later")

    edit - I date extroverts, because I'm jealous of their extrovertedness, but I sometimes begin to resent them for it, too.
     
  10. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    i'm the same way. most nights i would rather chill at home. sure there are nights where i want to go out and party, but it's not a regular thing
     
  11. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Why am I jealous of it? Because I'm human, and I like attention. I want to walk into a room and have the attention of everyone (good attention, like "that guy is awesome, I want to talk to him/hire him/fuck him/whatever," not bad attention like "look at that loser dressed like that, he's just trying to get attention").

    I am also a perfectionist, and I think that because I do not have as much charisma and social skill as I would like, I have adopted the opposite stance (becoming an introvert) where there's no chance of failure. It's like the saying, "you miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take." By never putting myself out there, I have a 100% chance of not failing. Then again, not putting myself out there is failure in and of itself, but I understand that going into it...

    See, I wouldn't be comfortable in the situation you described, either, but I want to be comfortable in it. That's why I'm jealous.
     
  12. Vixxen

    Vixxen New Member

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    i totally agree! good post.
     
  13. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    You can't find love being introvert. Do you just expect that special someone to knock on your door while you are sitting at home? You have to go out and meet people. Talk to everyone you can guy or girl, what ever make as many friends as possible. Fill you phone up with numbers, even if you don't think you are going to be bestest friends forever. Then you will have tons of people to call up and find out whats going on and where. The more friends you have the more chance you have to run into someone you like alot. Don't blow anyone off and always be up to do something.

    I honestly don't beleive anyone wants to be introvert by choice but most of the time it is something that is keeping them from being the person who can go out and talk to everyone and party all the time. Maybe you say you are introvert because you have had some bad experinces in the past with groups of people.
     
  14. Blahaboxxx

    Blahaboxxx OT Supporter

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    I don't have lots of friends because I don't want lots of friends. I need to be able to sort of disappear when I'm tired of "partying all the time". Having a large circle of friends that are always active runs counter to that need.

    It isn't that I don't know how to handle myself socially (I do) or that I live like a hermit (I don't). I just don't want to deal with people a good portion of the time. I find it difficult to make a connection with other people because I make it obvious that I probably won't get to know a person with whom I will not have extended contact - why would i get to know someone I'm not going to ever speak with again? (Which just futhers Johan's suggestion of finding a shareable interest so that I can get that kind of contact without forcing it)
     
  15. -=Likwid=-

    -=Likwid=-

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    don't stop on account of me. i'm listening intently.

    seriously though. this thread is fairly useful in some ways for probably more people than those who post here.

    Travelling, I found, is the crux for my teetering introvert/extrovert personality. Although there are many other factors that are in play, being somewhere completely different and meeting people you don't know and may (or may not) ever see them again can help even the shyest of people.
     
  16. busydoingnothing

    busydoingnothing A broken man too tough to cry

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    I feel right at home with this thread. I completely understand where you are coming from. It's great to have friends and all, but it's like, you feel obligated to keep up regular contact with them and sort of maintain the relationship, but sometimes you just feel like dropping out, while other times you want someone to hang out with. It's a tough line to walk. You also have to think about how your other friends feel about it, too. Try to look at it from their perspective. Perhaps if we were to let go of the comfort of being alone and put ourselves into a more social mode, we could get used to that just as easily as we got used to being alone.

    Man, I think I've said those same exact words. Pretty twisted, isn't it?
     
  17. Blahaboxxx

    Blahaboxxx OT Supporter

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    I never thought of it as a comfort thing. Each relationship I make means ANOTHER person I have to "maintain". I don't want to have to go out to the bar because that's what everyone else is doing and I'll be out of the loop later by skipping.

    A female friend was telling me that I should have no problem in this area due to all of the girls I have as acquaintances. I pointed out that every single one of them wants to be out at all times, party party party, and that's just not what I want to do. No further suggestions, just, 'oh good point'.
     
  18. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    You don't have to go out with them all the time. Just enough so they don't write you off as not being a friend.
     
  19. Electric_Church

    Electric_Church New Member

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    im kinda like that :)
     
  20. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    A couple of things that helped me:
    1. Some people will be your close friends; others, not so close. It's OK to have friends that aren't close.
    2. Friendships are two-way relationships. If they aren't putting any effort in, it's OK to call them on it (if you care to save the relationship) or drop it.
    3. If you're not meeting the right kind of girls at the places you currently frequent, you'll have to get out of your comfort zone and go to new places.
     
  21. whitecouch

    whitecouch spendin' our golden years in OT Supporter

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    I am a happily married introvert. Honestly the biggest hurdle now is that I am married to an extrovert. I just don't feel the need to go out. I have friends that I left back home when I joined the Air Force and I am fine with staying in unless I am back home hanging out with them. I have friends where I am stationed but no one I am close to. I never had a problem meeting girls in school just because for whatever reason extroverts were drawn to me. I will agree that you have to get yourself out if you intend to meet girls though. There is no way they will come to you. It just doesn't happen.
     
  22. LordOvenMitt

    LordOvenMitt New Member

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    In that case, you might have to wait for someone to come to you.

    My boyfriend is an introvert, and I am an extrovert. Despite that, we compliment each other's personality and fit together pretty well. You just have to find the right person..or wait for them to find you.
     
  23. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Find an environment in which you are comfortable interacting with people to the point that you are able to meet new people.

    Introversion should not be a crutch. If you are naturally introverted and it is making you lonely, then it needs fixing just like social anxiety would.
     

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