SRS How do I....

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Crawling Dead, May 24, 2009.

  1. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

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    Get my g/f to be more motivated to get a job? She's been unemployed now for over a year. We dont live together, but for the most part whenever we go out I pay. Now, I dont mind paying for things, but I do plan on one day living with her, I just dont want to fall into this pattern where its acceptable to sit at home all day and not earn any money. She also has a habbit of over shopping, if she sees a shirt she likes she almost has to buy it and gets money from her mother whenever she wants to buy anything.

    I realize the economy is bad, but she isnt really looking for any jobs. I am encourging, telling her of job postings online and in the paper. I encourage her to seek jobs in fields she has interest in. However, she only actively looks for jobs about once a month, and i mostly believe its to get me to stop bothering her about it.

    Every aspect of our relationship other than this is great, and it really makes me feel like a dick when I try and talk to her about getting a job, but its getting out of hand with her spending and not earning.

    One last thing, im not looking for her to make $100,000 a year or anything. I'd settle if she worked at a walmart in town or something. just something to help py the bills and get into the work habbit again for the day when we do move in together
     
  2. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

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    You get a new girlfriend, depending on how much you actually care about this. For me, this is a major sign of something wrong.

    If you have already asked, and she is blatantly not listening and ignoring you, then you need to rethink what this relationship is really about.
     
  3. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    I'd think long and hard about your relationship. She's lazy and immature, and is mooching off her parents. If you pay for everything when you go out, she's mooching off you to.

    I'd probably dump her. You want a woman for a relationship, not an immature girl.
     
  4. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    I actually did what Ford4Life said.. My ex worked for the first 2 months I knew her before she was laid off (seasonal position). For the next few months she didn't work and barely looked for jobs at all, even if I pointed some openings out to her she wouldn't apply. We ended up breaking up and like 6 weeks after we split she had a job. She still works there. I'm not saying this is true for your situation but it shows some characteristics her personality has, that you may not be compatible with long term.
     
  5. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I wouldn't allow the relationship to advance to "living together" or binding any other responsibilities, that's for sure.
     
  6. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    Every time you see her ask her how the job hunting is going. If she gives you shit about it simply say that as that is her pain focus in life right now you don't see it any different to asking how someone's day at work was.
     
  7. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    ^ that's bs. You can easily develop a minor form of depression from unemployment, all the rejections, freaking out about running out of money, etc...
     
  8. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    You can get depression from anything these days. :dunno:

    If she has been unemployed for over a year and hasn't been looking for a job then she shouldn't have an issue with rejection, because she hasn't been looking, or money because she can obviously afford her lifestyle as it is.
     
  9. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Actually, Diesel has a point. We're quick to dismiss the issue because of superficial information. Who do you know who willfully goes a year without making any effort at all in finding employment if there isn't a reason? It isn't enough to go directly to "lazy."

    Thread starter, what is her mental health status? Give us a little history. Since there are no consequences for discussing this, we may as well.
     
  10. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    Metallic Blue: From the first post I get the feeling that she hasn't needed to take responsibility for herself as her mother pays her way. So in saying that I would jump to the conclusion that it is out of laziness and lack of need as to why she hasn't gotten herself a new job.

    Of course I could be wrong and if there are other issues then I don't dispute that depression could be a major factor in all of this and the responses and behaviour toward her should be different.
     
  11. TheNonSequitur

    TheNonSequitur New Member

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    Date her, dump her, but don't marry her. Dating is all about fun and love. Marriage is about adding money into the equation.
     
  12. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    stop paying for her when you go out. if she cannot afford it tell her "sorry but i cannot keep paying for you."

    bet that motivates her to get a job or she'll just have to stay home.

    right now she has you as a crutch.
     
  13. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

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    Some helpful points have been made in this thread and I thank everyone who posted.

    Lets see, some history. Alright, so she is 26, I'm 22 in case you needed to know. About a year ago her father, who was a very successful insurance salesman, died on cancer, leaving the family with a substancial amount of money. Her brother is in jail leaving his two kids to be taken care of by the family. Ok, so, the kids have a minor factor in this equation and i should have meantioned them before.

    However, they are in school during the day, and at night either my g/f, her mother, or her uncle take care of the kids. I understand that because of her responsibilities with her family, the kids and what not, that she has limits on what hours she can work, but really, that would only limit her to having to work first or second shift. And now with summer coming, im afraid she's going to say she has to stay home all day with the kids, even though with a little dicipline the kids would be fine left by themselves during the day until someone came home at night.

    I agree that she is using me as a crutch, and that her mother spoils her, giving her whatever money she may need whenever she needs it, as well as paying off her bills, but I'm not really at the breaking point yet. At least not to the point where we need to break up yet. If plans start moving towards living together or engagement or whatever, well then the story's going to change. Im not dumb, theres no way any woman is ever going to get a ring out of me and expect to live the rest of her life without working.
     
  14. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    Without knowing any more than what's been written (and without condoning it) sounds like she is sick to death of being responsible and has decided that this is her out for a bit.

    I know if I was stuck looking after someone else's kids because they did something stupid and I was given the opportunity to not have to work I would be tempted to take it

    Keep the communication lines open about how her home life makes her feel, ask her about what she wants to do with her life (not the life her brother or family have forced on her) and how you can help and leave it at that.

    If it isn't a huge issue I think as long as you are both honest with each other and talk about it before it becomes something huge you should be fine.
     
  15. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

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    Thats a very good point Misskitty and thank you. I hadnt really thought about it that way. Its not to say that suddenly I condone it, I guess im just gonna have to wait it out and see. Im certainly not going to be moving in with her or moving the relationship forward until she can at least support herself. Thanks for the advice, and if you have any more, im still open to hear it.
     
  16. weezyfbaby

    weezyfbaby New Member

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    As a working young male myself having multiple friends that are currently unemployed the bolded statement sticks out to me. I find it funny that WE can settle with them having those jobs but the unemployed look at those jobs as below them and won't ever work at a place like that.

    Funny, I guess they don't need money.
     
  17. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Time to abandon ship seriously she sounds like one of those women that all they want is to find a guy, get married, and pump out some kids so they can stay home while the husband slaves away to support her and the kids lifestyle. Just curious is her mother lazy like that too? Usuaully they pick that up from their mom.
     
  18. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

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    It was funny. We went out to breakfast this morning and she pointed out a friend of hers that she went to highschool with who was working as a waitress. My gf started to go on about how "Well at least im not 26 and working as a waitress" She ended her sentence short at about, "well at least im not...." I looked up at her and couldnt help but laugh a little on the inside. See, my thought process was "Yeah, I kinda wish you were a waitress right now" But like you said, they see those jobs as below them.

    As far as her mother. Um, she works as a insurance sales...woman. So she brings in money, plus my gf's father's life insurance still keeps them living fairly well.


    But no, i certainly hope her life plan is not get married and drop out some kids. Honestly, for her sake, cause its not happening, not with me at least. She better end it with ME if thats what her goals are. Because I would hate to be the one to break the bad news to her.....
     
  19. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Well then you should probably have this discussion with her not strangers on the internets :mamoru: b/c I'm telling you there are plenty of women out there like that they want a man to take care of them while they pop out kids and sit at home doing nothing.
     
  20. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    ad the way to un-develop it isn't to sit home and spend money you don't have.
     
  21. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

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    Well, really, this started out asking for help on any ideas anyone might have to help me motivate her. I realise the discussion needs to happen between her and I, just wanted to know if anyone had any ideas of how I can go about motivating her.
     
  22. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    she's got a reason. all her needs are being met while she's unemployed, so why work?

    place to live? check.
    food to eat? check.
    someone to pay when she goes out? check.
    money to buy shit she needs? check.
    someone to splurge for shit she wants? check.

    hell, if I had that *I* would quit work!
     
  23. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    easiest way?

    print this thread, tell her "please read this," hand it to her, sip your coffee while you watch her go from surprised to angry to royally pissed, back to sad, then quiet.

    then say, "so, I think we need to talk" and YOU DON'T SAY A WORD! let her start talking. she may start off with something about her father dying and not really being over it, or about her brother/his kids, or about her job searching.....you never know.
     
  24. weezyfbaby

    weezyfbaby New Member

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    I don't think there is anything you can do. It falls on your gf. You can try what you have already tried and also help her with a job search but I don't think there is anything you can do (other than what you already have) that will make her go "hey, I want a job!". Maybe start splitting bills sometimes or something so she has a need for her own cash. Stop supporting her in every monetary way.

    The whole waitress story is funny to me because even in this economy with the drought of jobs out there if you really want to make some cash, any cash, then you can. You just can't be looking for a Wall Street job you have to take what you can get, especially if there is nothing about you that is truly setting you apart from the rest of the competition. Just like the people selling their houses right now, you can either sell your house for lower than your listing price or you can keep thinking you are going to get $XXX,XXX but as time passes and prices fall even more you are going to have to settle eventually.

    But yeah I think it is funny how every job she wants to get is probably not hiring or she can't get interviews, etc but every position that is hiring is below her. Substitute (her) with (U.S. unemployed) and it also follows suit.
     

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