SRS how do i treat this situation?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by tehshift, Aug 28, 2006.

  1. tehshift

    tehshift Member

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    Well, I seem to be a little confused about how I should react.

    Short Background:
    My gf of 4.5 years decided to break it off with me alittle over a month ago. After that I decided to end contact with her because I wanted to move on with my life. After 2 weeks of this, she came over to tell me how she realized I am the one for her, however she was not ready to get back together because she is enjoying her time and would also like to work on improving herself before settling down in a realtionship again. Ever since then we have been hanging out alot. She stays the night with me multiple times a week, we were playing tennis just about every day, and she would come to hang out with my friends and me.

    Well during this break I came upon a few conversations she has had with another guy, who she admitted she had feelings for to him but was not looking for a relationship. I questioned her about this fellow several times, asking how she felt about him. She told me there was nothing between them, so I let her know I had read the letter that she had written. Her response to that was, "I was confused, but I realize now that I did not have feelings for him." (this was about the time we started hanging out again) So I decided to trust her and let things go on. After that, it always seemed like her stories would never match up correctly.

    On Saturday night she had to babysit, after that she was going to hang out with a friend for her 21st birthday. We had made plans for her to come to my apartment afterwards, and she was going to spend the night. I text messaged her around 11:30 to see if she knew what she was doing for the night, and she responded by saying she was on her way to a party. So I left my friend's house and got home around 1:00 am. I tried to call her to see what time she would be back and could not get ahold of her. So I sent her another message saying to call me when she got it, and I decided to go to sleep. I woke up around 4:00 am and still had no word from her, and her car was not at her apartment. (we live in the same apartment complex) Finally around 11:30 the next morning, she sent me a text message saying sorry her phone was on silent and she ended up crashing at a guys place w/ a bunch of other people, because she was too tired to drive home. She said she didn't want to talk on the phone because there was still alot of people sleeping around her and she did not want to wake them up and she would call me as soon as she left. Well, we had plans that day to go swimming, so I was waiting for her call. She eventually called me around 2:30pm to tell me she fell asleep again, but she was on her way home to shower and then come over to my place to hang out. (I told her I did not feel like swimming anymore) She immediately apologized when she came in, and said she would have been upset as well if she were to be in my position. She told me that she did not realize we had made a decision about her staying the night and thought we had left it at a "maybe".

    We ended up spending the entire rest of the day together. Sitting around my place, getting dinner, and then she was going to stay the night. She ended up going to sleep early (around 9:30-10:00) so i went to watch TV until I felt like i could fall asleep. Around 11:00 she got a text message from the guy I mentioned earlier. Her phone was in there with me, so she did not hear it. Well, I read the message and it was just a simple "hey", but I got curious after that, and ended up looking through her Sent messages on the phone. There were numerous messages sent to me, him, and then one to a girl. The messages to him seem'd flirtatious (ie "sorry you can't see me tonight, i know you were really looking forward to it. ;)", "Cmon in my door is open." and then a few others asking how his day had been.) That kind of upset me. Then I read the message to her other friend, which was from Saturday night, and she had told her that she ended up not having to babysit, and was going to go to a party with that guy and all his friends.

    After reading that, I was very upset that she had lied to me about having to babysit. So I went into the bedroom to wake her up and ask her if she really had gone to babysit, and she told me yes. So I immediately responded with Why are you lying to me? She kind of rolled back over and semi-ignored me, so I let her know I was pissed off and went back to the other room since it felt like the conversation was going to go no where at that time. She came out there and asked if I really was upset, and she argued that she did not lie about it and said it just never came up to tell me otherwise. Then I told her that I had told her if we were going to be hanging out like this, that I did not want her to keep information like that from me. We had actually had a talk earlier that day about how I was worried she was doing that to me, because she had been doing the same to one of her good friends. Once she admitted she was at fault on that, she asked why I was still upset and what I wanted to know. I asked her if the guy had come to her house to watch a movie the other night, and she told me yes. That upset me because the next day I had asked her who all watched a movie over there, and she told me just her roomate. And I asked her if he had come over to watch as well, and she told me no. I had specifically asked that question because I came across a conversation with them saying he wanted to see a movie with her that night. So that was a second lie I had called her out on. For the rest of the night I acted distant to her while she tried to expiate what she had done. She didn't tell me these things because she thought it would hurt my feelings.




    I know she is my ex-gf, but to this day she tells me that she loves me and knows that I am the man she wants to marry. So it is almost like we are dating but just do not have the label.

    My question is, should I give her another chance? Trust is a very important part of a relationship, and I feel like my trust in her has dropped tremendously. But at the same time I have very strong feelings for her, and this is her first time do ever do anything of this sort. She is a very respectable woman, works full time and goes to school full time. Quite possibly the sweetest girl i have ever known, and she really is beautiful to me.

    So do I continue on with the ride, and let her work on building back up my trust in her? Or does this have bad news written all over it?


    Thanks
     
  2. tehshift

    tehshift Member

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    Woah, I wasn't expecting to type that much.

    so cliffs to give you an idea before reading it all:

    break up with gf, tells me she still loves me, but i catch her in a lie.
     
  3. Aviv

    Aviv OT Supporter

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    This is why you break off contact after breaking up.

    What she's doing is forcing you to wait around for her to "do her thing," and whenever she's done (or is convinced that you're the best deal she can get), you'll be there for her.

    And if you bring that up to her, it sounds like she'll lie and twist words around to somehow prove that she's not forcing you to do anything. Just keep in mind that you two can play He Said, She Said all day, but the final product - her actions, tell a different story.

    You don't tell someone you love him and are convinced that you're meant to be with him, and then lie to him about going out...and cover up your associations with another guy that you admit having feelings for. She's leading you on so that you'll stick around and be her Plan B, while she goes out and tries to see if anyone better than you is out there.
     
  4. iota

    iota New Member

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    I know it's hard to accept, but you know the answers to all of your questions deep down. However, you second guess yourself and convince yourself everything will work out because you want it to that bad. Honestly, the poster above is absolutely correct. She probably has some feelings for you still, but what she is doing is keeping you as a backup. How long are you going to let her do this to you and lie to you? You need to realize that this so called "relationship" is going absolutely nowhere and you will just end up being REALLY hurt in the end. Break off all contact with this girl, and be confident you made the right decision. There will be a few weeks where you miss her and you second guess your decision. However, time will heal all wounds and you will be a happier person eventually.
     
  5. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    Man, do I agree with this reply!

    Heres a Big flag:

    Why even continue letting her spend the night at your place and go out and hang out as if you two aren't even broken up? If you think about it.. shes like "cheating" on you without the title of you being a couple and ofcourse you're getting pissed that shes doing this but you can't exactly blame her because she did break up with you so she has the right.. the question is though, is it okay for her to be leading you on like this and continues to make you feel like you two are still together? Ofcourse not.. what shes doing is leading you on.

    Its a hard decision but right now.. you can't be giving her the "control", you need to let her know that you're totally done with her and if she wants to spend the night, she needs to be sure what her mind is made up on.. to be with YOU or NOT.
     
  6. crazy15

    crazy15 New Member

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    girls are liars. move on, she seems like she is no good. once a liar, always a liar.
     
  7. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    agreed
    she's holding onto you in case something else doesn't work out. yet she's lying to you about stupid stuff. drop her like a bad habit, and while there will be sad moments, you'll end up *much* better off in the long run.
     
  8. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    Sounds like she's keeping you around as a back-up plan. Get the fuck out.
     
  9. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    You should have said, "Yeah, and that's called lying by omission."

    Then you should have kicked her out of your house.
     
  10. ElectricJW

    ElectricJW We are all ONE!

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    :werd:

    Tell her, this friends thing isn't going to work and she has to choose to get back together with you or end all contact, NOW! Its not worth it for her to lie to your face and keeping you waiting, when she might be fooling around w/ that other guy. Personally I would end it:dunno:
     
  11. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    I disagree with everyone in this thread. She said she wants to figure out what she wants. Which means, you guys are on neutral territory..read: SHES NOT your girl, so you dont have the grounds to go through her phone and see who she with. Becasue it doesnt matter who YOURE with either, becasue you arent together, therefore you arent technically cheating on eachother.
    youre young. Dotn feel the need to label her as your gf...If YOU are older and more mature than her, chances are youve gone through your growing up pase, and she hasnt.
    So, be ther for her when she needs you, but other than that, do your own thing. Hang out with her or other women when you want. If/when shes finished her stage, she will come back to you.
    This doesnt mean that you should be a doormat, but what im sayign is that you need to realize that you only have the knowledge that you do becasue youve already experienced life. In order to be at your level, she needs to experience life too.
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    There was a deception through omission here. If communication is the most vital element of a good relationship, then deception is the most essential element of a terrible fucking relationship. It doesn't mean that the chick is necessarily malicious. In fact, she probably isn't. But who wants an immature little cunt of a liar to share a roof with him? A masochist does, maybe. Somebody with too little self-respect to know he deserves better, perhaps. But the OP? Let's hope he likes himself just a little bit.
     
  13. tehshift

    tehshift Member

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    update:

    She called me last night telling me that she needed to talk to me. Basically it ended up with both of us agreeing to slow down on our time together. I plan on seeing her every once in awhile to play a game of tennis and such, but I do not want to let myself get close to her again until she is ready for a relationship. At that time I can reevaluate where we stand, and come to the conclusion on if I am ready to trust her.
     
  14. ay0

    ay0 New Member

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    lol... u r a boy toy.
     
  15. Crush

    Crush Epidural hematoma up in this bitch

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    How old are you? IF your answer is anything less than 30, take a break from the girl and enjoy being single. IF your answer is over 30, you need to take a break from the girl and grow up a little bit.

    Either way, take a break from the girl and enjoy life. You obviously still have feelings for her and she is obviously using those feelings against you. If she is the one for you down the road, then deal with it down the road. Do NOT get into a mindset where you will just ride it out until you two are back together.

    Cliffs: Go out, get laid, have fun, ignore EX girlfriend.
     
  16. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Sounds like she's got you pussywhipped :whip: She supposedly wants to marry you in the future but not until she has went out and fucked other guys first? Yeah, sounds like you've got a great girl there :hsugh:
     
  17. tehshift

    tehshift Member

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    Who said she is out fucking other guys? She has never been a very promiscuous girl, so why should she be labeled like that just because of having guy friends? That was never a topic at hand.
     
  18. tehshift

    tehshift Member

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    I am 21. And a break is basically what I am doing, however she is the only person in the area that I can play tennis with. I have confidence in myself to not let it get past anything other than that. I don't plan on asking her what she has been up to, nor will I want to know any of her plans, other than how she is working on improving her life so I can assist as she once helped me.
     
  19. Crush

    Crush Epidural hematoma up in this bitch

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    If she wasn't interested in other guys, then why would she break it off with you? Just because she isnt promiscuous doesn't mean she doesn't have physical needs as well. I don't consider myself a promiscuous male, however, female variety is a spice of life, and I enjoy a thrill every now and then.

    Yes, females can have male friends. However, keep in mind that the essence of friendship is mutual gain, on what level that gain is derived should be determined on a case by case basis.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2006
  20. Crush

    Crush Epidural hematoma up in this bitch

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    Here is some advice. Please take it to heart as I wish someone had given me the same advice two years ago when I was your age.

    Cut her out of your life completely for a few months so you can get your bearings. If it is serious and meant to be in the end, she will find her way back to you when the time is right.

    Until then, find a new tennis partner, do not trust yourself with her, and generally just stay away from her. While this may seem a bit harsh, you will be happier and your life will be much easier.
     
  21. tehshift

    tehshift Member

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    She broke it off with me because of how much I had changed and she never talked to me about it. She admited how she handled that was wrong and understands now how important communication is.. (because lying helps communication :rofl:) But she is going through the phase of "trying to find herself" bullshit, so she is hesitant to get back into a relationship so quickly and wants to try and change herself for the better. As far as physical needs, she has hormonal problems which decrease her sex drive.

    I feel like the gain she is getting from a friendship with her new friend is being able to open up and talk to him about her problems. He had just recently gone through the same thing, so he had advice to give her. She tells me that he has many close female friends and that is just the type of guy he is.
     

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