SRS How do I tell my dad and his family that I'm engaged?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by JBunni, May 5, 2009.

  1. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    1,040
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    east of here
    My boyfriend proposed last december, but because we know my family doesnt fully feel we are ready, we've sort of been keeping it a secret. Most all our friends and family know we want to get married, but only a few know we have a date in mind.
    I havent booked the reception site yet, but I want to soon. However, I am wondering if it would better to tell my dad and his family before or after I book the place. My dad, aunt, and uncles have all met my fiance, and they like him fairly well, I'm just not sure how they would react if they knew we were getting married in 6 months. I want to be a polite and considerate as I can when telling them, I just dont exactly know how. Any advice?
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2009
  2. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    tell them before you book the place. they will most likely be hurt that you have hid this info from them for so long, but even more hurt if you actually booked a place and started the wedding planning before they knew

    best idea is to be very positive about it when you tell them, dont try to anticipate their disappointment or bad mood. if you are excited to be getting married, let it show. they will be more supportive and be easier to convince that you are ready if you act like it. when you see them, tell them you guys have some exciting news to share and tell them.
     
  3. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    Why don't they feel you are ready? Are you very young? Maybe your dad is just trying to keep you from making a huge mistake.
     
  4. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    45,982
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    TX
    I think you should definitely be honest with your family about it.
     
  5. JustJeff

    JustJeff www.youtube.com/thisisjustjeff

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2006
    Messages:
    1,651
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Long Island // Virginia Tech
    Tell your family. They've gone through this already and they should be understanding of your decision. It will only help you by telling your family... as long as they are invited, of course.
     
  6. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    being polite and considerate means NOT being deceptive. hiding this from them is being deceptive.

    if you want to even have a chance of getting their approval, tell them NOW.
     
  7. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2002
    Messages:
    64,128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly, PA
    how old are you both and how long have you been together?
     
  8. Tills

    Tills Lets Go Flyers

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2001
    Messages:
    12,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    What is the rush to get married? If you are engaged, why not wait another 18-24 months before you say "I Do".
     
  9. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    1,040
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    east of here

    We are 19 and 20, and we have been together almost 3 years. I know its young, but we know its what we want.
     
  10. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    1,040
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    east of here
    I do want to tell them before I book the place, but i am running out of time to book it. The facility books up quickly for weddings in the fall. Also, I just dont know HOW to tell them. Wait til they are all in one place and make an announcment? Tell them indivdually? Let my boyfriend/fiance tell them?
     
  11. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    1,040
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    east of here
    Because being apart is starting to kill us. We were a long distance relationship until 2 months ago when he moved closer, but we are not living together and its so difficult for us to leave and split up at the end of the night, and only seeing eachother a few times a week.
    I know it sounds rushed, but we have really put a lot of thought into it.
     
  12. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2008
    Messages:
    23,518
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    SoCal
    My fiance & I kept our engagement secret as well. For 4 or 5 months ...

    We arranged for dinner at a nice local restaurant. We talked to the owner/mgr & told him what we would like to do & he helped us make it happen. Before our food arrived we had the waiter bring out a couple of things we'd bought: A lit candle in the shape of a wedding cake on a decorative platter. The parents all just kind of stared at it all confused so we handed them cards that said what we were to nervous to tell them.

    They all said we didn't know what we were getting into, & OF COURSE WE DON'T! But they were still proud. Tentatively proud, not 100% supportive, but respectful of the choice. I think the fact that we made the effort to dress up the idea & make it easier to swallow helped. It seemed cheezy to us but we knew they'd need some special treatment to humilify them ... so we didn't get an earful about how ridiculous our idea was. Also, we were waaaaay to nervous to just come out & say it. The cards were a huge help. Also, we all have little momentos. They have the cards & we have our candle. :) I think we're going to use the same candle in our wedding.
     
  13. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    if you are running out of time, call them each individually if you dont have time to tell them in person. if its your family, dont make your fiance do it, YOU do it.

    do you need a script? "hi dad, its your daughter. i just wanted to let you know i have some exciting news! Fiance and i are engaged!"

    you are making this way more difficult than it needs to be
     
  14. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    why would your b/f tell them? they're YOUR family.


    now for how.........pick the most important person/people in your family, run up, and say "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE IT BILLY BOB ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM! WE'RE GOING TO GET THE PLACE I ALWAYS DREAMED OF FOR (insert timeframe..."last week of november" "this fall" etc)!!! I AM *SO* HAPPY!!!!"

    then hug them and run away to pretend to call friends to tell them.
     
  15. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    this is 19 years old talking.

    it won't kill you, but whatever.

    so you're getting married so you can sleep together through the night?

    honestly, it would be easier to explain to your parents that you're going to live together than it would be that you're going to get married.
     
  16. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    I think you need to listen to your dad.

    You are both very young, what you want right now is going to change dramatically by the time you both are 25-30. Neither of you have finished college or established a career, you still have a lot of growing to do.
     
  17. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    1,040
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    east of here
    I think this is the reaction I am most hoping for. I think i actually kinda like 'no lol today's idea. I'm leaning toward something big and chessy.

    The only reason I was thinking about letting my fiance do it, is the old fashion idea of the boyfriend asking for the girls hand in marriage. Its not so much a cop out as trying to do things in a way that my family will respect us both.

    Also, yeah, maybe i do need a script. It is esspecially difficult to tell my dad because anytime I talk about my boyfriend it gets uncomfortable. If they 'conversation' lasts for more than 3 sentences he generally cuts me off and tells me he doesnt want to talk about it.
     
  18. HipHopHead

    HipHopHead Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2001
    Messages:
    63,398
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    Minnesota
    wow, I say live with each other for one year MINIMUM before getting married. You will both do things that annoy the shit out of one another.
     
  19. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    then have him call and ask permission, and THEN call and say you are engaged. if not, jointly ask for their blessing once you have told them that you are engaged. put them on speaker phone if you want

    like someone else said though, they are your family and most likely want the best for you. if they have reservations, be respectful, listen to their concerns, THINK about their concerns and then make your decision. when i moved in with my husband (then boyfriend) i called my dad to let him know and ask for his advice. he said "dont do it" and gave me a slew of reasons why. my boyfriend and i talked over the reasons, decided we were ready to make the leap and did it anyway. but we still took everything my dad said into consideration since i know he wanted to make sure i was ok.
     
  20. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2005
    Messages:
    16,539
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    KRAPROOM
    don't you think that's a little backwards if you've already been engaged for months for your fiance to ask your dad for your hand. It seems kind of deceptive to me.

    You've already proven you don't really care what they think...so just tell them and get it over with.
     
  21. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    1,040
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    east of here
    In case anyone is interested, I went over to his house and told him tonight. I've been too worked up over this to plan a large gesture.
    He is living with my Aunt, so when she left the room for a few mins, I told him that I was engaged.
    Awkward silence.
    "what am i supposed to say?"
    Me, "I dont know, I guess I just wanted to tell you"
    Awkward silence
    him (sarcastically) "good luck" (walks away to the other end of the house)
     
  22. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2005
    Messages:
    124,890
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Kc
    either you are the lucky few, or it's likely to be a divorce within a year or so. You change so much from 18-25, it's like you are a completely different person.
     
  23. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    why do people ask for advice if they have no intention of following it?
     
  24. Daria

    Daria New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,529
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ottawa, Canada
    you know, I'm beginning to think there's a reason why her family wouldn't be happy to know they're getting married....
     
  25. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2002
    Messages:
    64,128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly, PA
    No offense but your father is probably right this is a TERRIBLE reason to get married, if you can't spare to be apart you should probably wait a while to get married. But you aren't going to listen anyway b/c you know it all at that age. I'm not saying break off the engnagement but why not move in together and see how it works out there is no rush to get married most of my friends myself included were almost 30 when they got married. What is the difference between living togher or getting married, at least if it doesnt work out living together you'll know and won't have to deal with a divorce.
     

Share This Page