SRS How do I handle my new roommates passive aggresive behavior?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by PaddoK, Sep 28, 2006.

  1. PaddoK

    PaddoK Some dolphins get massacred, some dolphins get blo

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    Okay so back stort: It's my senior year at college. Halfway through my junior year I transfered to a different 4 year college, so I have about 1.5 years left. Basically, I agreed to live with an old friend of mine from highschool who has been a long term friend of mine since like 9th grade. We've always been great friends so it seemed like a great idea.

    Plus at the time the housing contracts were due for campus housing, I was still getting to know my roommate at the time. So I was unsure whether or not he would be a cool guy. So I basically decided that living with my old friend would be alot better than living alone.

    So we got a nice place 2 bedroom 2 bath. Things seem cool for a couple days, but man my new roommate (old friend) turns out to be fucking nuts!
    He told me "he liked it clean" when we talked about moving in and I made it clear that I was extemely messy but could contain it to my room.

    So right, he turns out to be the craziest neat freak of all time.

    Here are some of the things he does that kills me:
    1) He will leave garbage lying on the counter in the kitchen for days. Then, suddenly he will clean his part up, take out the trash (my bags), and leave my trash alone even if it is just like a coke can or something that fell out the bag. THEN when I get home from school he makes bitchy comments at me about how gross it is that I leave my trash out.
    (Yes I've picked up his trash multible times and always take the trash out, never say a thing)

    2) I cook almost all my own meals, normally I'm a little more messy, but because I know he is a neat freak, I clean everything that I can see. Like from start to finish in the dishwasher / cabinet. However, occasionally, I'll miss something, a bit of butter, some grease from the skillet or something. He makes certain that I know about it and makes comments like "what the fuck is this shit on the counter?" "I know for sure it didn't come from me" but the most fucking annoying thing about it is that when he pointed it out to me, it was right by his spilled frosted flakes that had been sitting there for a day.

    3) We share dishes (for some reason) and if I have a couple dishes sitting in the sink ready to go in the dish washer, he will just let them sit there because they are "mine." Then he will set off a half full dishwasher load and cost us more money in the long run because we have to do more washes. Then he will give me a hard time about having dishes waiting "so much for cleaning dishes more frequently" is the type of shit he says. Yes I've done and cleaned his shit just to fill a dishwasher.

    4) acts like a charity case. I go to school 5 days a week and have a girlfriend/wrestling/hobbies. He doesn't do shit and acts like his time is the most valuable thing on earth. He is always home durring the day so he intercepts the mail and then tells me how much I owe him for bills. But he tacks on a couple extra bucks for his time and for "stamps." I always have to ask to see the bill.

    5) Is just in a bitchy mood all the time. I never realized it but he is just a whiney bitch in life. No joke, he is desperately unhappy but to lazy to do anything about it. As a result all he ever does is sit and bitch about how bad things are and it is a drag to be around him.


    I don't understand what is so god damned hard about helping out. I think it is because he doesn't want to feel like a "bitch." I don't really understand. Especially since, I attend a top tier national university and have to work pretty hard to get good grades. He on the other hand attends a shitty local Community college 2 days a week and doesn't ever do anything else. He doesn't even waste his life on anything except the internet. I could understand if he was a pot head, or a nerd, or something but fuck he just doesn't do shit but sit on myspace and facebook all day hoping to mack on girls.

    I just didn't expect him to be suck a whiner about everything. He doesn't work or even really go to school. I'm also paying $300 bucks more a month than him for an only slightly better master bedroom. I thought I had made it clear that he might be helpful around the apt. since he isn't working / is paying less.

    I don't know really what to do. I have so much to say to him, that I doubt I could ever say it in such a manner that would allow him to understand it. Its like just being in the apt. makes him a bitch. He is almost enjoyable to be around outside of it.

    I can't move out I'm stuck in a 1 year lease. Whats the best way to handle this?

    Sorry for the rambling incoherence it's mostly just me being pissed.
     
  2. PaddoK

    PaddoK Some dolphins get massacred, some dolphins get blo

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    Normally I would just stop being friend with someone who annoyed me so much but I've never had such a conflict with such a good friend. Also, he moved down to so cal, and has no friends down here except maybe two. So I'm his primary source of social functions.
     
  3. PaddoK

    PaddoK Some dolphins get massacred, some dolphins get blo

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    and I honestly am trying to be neater. He bitches over AIM to my girlfriend about it, and then my friends come over and say it's the cleanest they have ever seen it and ask "what mess" and look confused
     
  4. macistaniMac

    macistaniMac New Member

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    I'm in the same boat, so far making a written contract and posting it on the fridge seems to have worked. Its forces him to be honest.
     
  5. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    ball peen hammer. butcher knife/chainsaw. acid/lye. bathtub.

    of course I'm gesting. you of course can not change his root personality type. as you stated, he sounds like a whiner/attention whore.

    you can attempt to influence it however, and one way to do that is as has been suggested. confront it head on, and do so with a task list/log.
     
  6. PaddoK

    PaddoK Some dolphins get massacred, some dolphins get blo

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    Anybody else have any tips?
     
  7. Sloi

    Sloi Back up in your ass with the resurrection

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    Take pictures of his garbage whenever it's lying around and shove it in his face when he nags about that butter spot. I'm pretty bad when it comes to keeping everything clean (I'm a little OCD about having my room stay clean) and even I'm nowhere near that... he's not a cleanfreak, he's just a whining bitch.

    I wouldn't be surprised if he was trying to assert control/dominance over you in that place.
     
  8. PaddoK

    PaddoK Some dolphins get massacred, some dolphins get blo

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    Truthfully that is what it feels like. Most of my friends are sort of passive people (you know the type, when you ask what they want to do, they say whatever all the type) so I end up making a bunch of decisions. As a result, I think I've just come into the alpha-male role by accident.

    I have two groups of friends: those that I hang out with while at school (passive types) and those that I hang out with at home on vacation and whatnot. The second group is all alpha-male style machoism, truthfully. Sometimes it gets really old but sometimes its fun.

    I wouldn't put my new roommate into any of those groups, since he has always had a seperate friends circle. However, I think as a result, he has seen both groups, and has picked up on the relative submisiveness of one group, and assertiveness of the other.

    I think he is afraid of becoming a "bitch" since he has let it slip before that he "wasn't my bitch." This came out when I asked him why he would throw away all of his trash but if I left a can on the counter he wouldn't put that in the trash bag. Despite that I would throw his shit away.

    I wish I knew how to make clear to him that we are roommates and can help eachother out sometimes and not be eachothers bitches. If he were a girl I could talk to him, but his is a lot more irrational and difficult to talk to than any girl I've met. Plus guys are receptive to being "open."


    I've sort of settled on a combo of not talking to him / treating him like a bitch when he acts really whiney. Is this a bad choice?

    Basically, when he whines, I either get up and leave immediately saying little, or I try and subtly suggest that he is stupid.

    He asked me to move a bowl from one sink to another yesterday so he could do dishes. Which seemed dumb to me since I was right in the middle of cooking my dinner, but whatever. I just moved it. He made a comment about it looking gross and not wanting to touch it because he didn't know what it was. My response was "I'll give you a hint, it's FOOD." He sorta just walked away after that :mamoru:
     
  9. Isamu

    Isamu New Member

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    you need to sit his ass down and be like.. yo, I pay more rent, and were supposed to be friends, and we are roomates... we are supposed to help each other out, that doesn't make you anyones bitch, it makes you a good roomate/friend..


    but maybe he doesn't wanna be your bitch becuase he is a closet case...
    :rofl: @ your roomates insecurities...
     
  10. Sloi

    Sloi Back up in your ass with the resurrection

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    WHAT!?

    Dude, no... never. If he EVER tries something like that again, look at the bowl, look at him, laugh and continue cooking. Who the fuck does he think he is? Tell him he has hands and they work really well to pick things up. Seriously, don't ever comply with something that stupid again because it reinforces his belief that he's in control. Tell him to fuck off and ignore him if he ever pulls this move on ya...
     
  11. The Zapper

    The Zapper So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its

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    I completely agree with this... Laugh in his face every time he makes a stupid request. Also whatever he throws it in your face throw it right back. Quit being walked all over by him. I would leave shit out on purpose just to piss him off.
     
  12. Kortiz-DZ

    Kortiz-DZ Resident Nigerian Lipper OT Supporter

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    Stop picking his shit up.

    But I'd also suggest having some sort of rules list created. Who does what and when...

    Keep up with that and you're good to go.
     
  13. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    It's funny - your thread is almost identical to this other one I responded to (to the point where I was confused when I didn't see my response, lol):
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=2782314

    The only way you're really going to get it resolved is by talking to him about it. Don't let him get away with hypocrisy but don't forget to keep your own nose clean in the process... you know, the whole glass houses and throwing stones thing.
     

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