how do I get perspective on a relationship?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by t-t-t-today, Oct 4, 2008.

  1. t-t-t-today

    t-t-t-today New Member

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    Is there any way to tell if I'm in a bad relationship? It's always easy to tell when your an outsider looking in, but when your one of the people who is in the relationship, then it can be more difficult.

    Lets start with her:

    I've been dating her for 8 months. The first 3-4 months were really good. We were in our "honeymoon" period where we are very nice to each other all the time. As time went on, I began to notice things about her that really bugged me. One example is that she isn't very affectionate. I'd like to get hugged or kissed out of the blue once in a while, but she never ever does that. She will just sit there and if I don't make a move, then we won't touch each other all night. Another example is that her mother cheated on her father a lot. Despite the fact that she has explained to me that she will never be like that, I can't help but logically conclude that, "like mother, like daughter". I know it's wrong for me to assume such a thing, but I honestly cant help it. Another thing is that she smokes pot while I do not. It gets to me because it gives me the impression that she uses it as a crutch and that she can't manage without it. The last example is that she has put herself in compromising situations. She goes to clubs, she gets drunk when an ex-boyfriend is partying with her, and one time she went on an out of state trip with 2 of her girlfriends and 3 guys. I'm not saying she WILL cheat, but why even put yourself in situations that make you more vulnerable?

    Me:

    Almost every time I see her I jokingly make fun of her. It really gets her upset and I'm sure it is affecting her self esteem at this point. I honestly don't want to be mean like that. I just can't stop though. I get bored and I decide to act immature and I will entertain myself at her expense. The jokes are actually more like immature comments like, "you smell bad", or "you're so dumb, I love you". On top of the jokes, I criticize her a lot about her lifestyle. Her decisions just make no sense to me, and I can't help but tell her how dumb she is for doing certain things. For example, the way she puts herself in those compromising situations. Also, for the longest time she had no money and instead of getting a job she would hang out with friends and smoke pot or whatever. It just seems so dumb to me to behave that way, that I had to tell her because I wanted to help her be more active about fixing the problems in her life. I think the reason I do those "comments and jokes" is because obviously I have some sort of suppressed anger about her.

    So we've been getting in fights almost every time we see each other. We always make up though. Another thing I've noticed is that she acts like she is walking on egg-shells when she's around me. I can tell she is a lot more careful now with what she says around me. When I asked her about that, she says she "doesn't want to set me off". I think my judgements were fair and constructive, but if we are at the point where she can't be herself then I think the relationship has become abusive. Meaning that I am abusive towards her. She reassures me that we are fine and that I'm not being abusive, but I think I am and I definitely don't want to do that too her seeing as how I love her and I think she deserves better treatment. I know she loves me back, and I can't help but wonder if that is the sole reason why she is staying with me if in fact I AM being abusive?

    How can I tell, and what should I do?
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2008
  2. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    If you have to ask...
    Also, you sound like a terrible boyfriend
     
  3. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Fuck, I just finished that, wtf is wrong with you? This is not how you treat other human beings, are you engaged? If you don't like her lifestyle and she isn't going to change it, leave, her 'lifestyle' so long as she lets you know whats going on is none of your business, you have no place to criticize her like that.
     
  4. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    :ugh:

    The girl sounds like a trainwreck.

    Dude, you know what you need to do. Do it.
     
  5. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    TS, I HIGHLY doubt it's anything you are doing (maybe a little, but you seem like you at least RECOGNIZE the things you are doing wrong).

    If I were a betting man, I would say that the "abuse" is the other way around...meaning SHE is emotionally abusive to YOU, but has twisted it to make it seem like you are the one criticizing and abusing her.

    Get the hell away from this girl and find someone who isn't a trainwreck.
     
  6. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    I hate it when guys trying to make jokes that are by no means funny but just rude! and in once or twice that it happened to me I showed a very good reaction to make them know their limits. Telling a girl "you smell bad" is not ok at all, no wonder why she doesn't want to get affectionate with you. and I am sure many girls like me would never accept a "you are dumb" thing!

    it sounds like you have no valid reason not to trust her. I think if you trust someone, hers going on a trip with guys or even getting drunk with guys around should not be a big deal.

    As for her lifestyle, if she is happy with it and you don't like it then just leave her. But to me it seems like your gf may have some problems in her life that leaded her to smoking pot or whatever instead of doing something constructive. If this is the case, maybe you can help her instead of judging her?

    Did you read his post completely?
     
  7. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Yeah.

    I mean this girl:

    1. Goes out of town with 2 girls and 3 guys :)hsugh: think about that for a minute).

    2. Blows up on him if he even tries to joke/tease her.

    3. Doesn't even show the slightest bit of interest in touching/kissing him (he has to initiate it all or it doesn't happen).

    4. Smokes pot frequently.

    5. Gets drunk with ex-boyfriends.

    6. Can't hold a job.

    7. Comes from a broken family

    The list goes on and on.
     
  8. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    WTF? why should going out of town with some girl and guy friends would be a big deal? I have done that before while on a relationship and he trusted me enough to know I wouldnt cheat! it is just the matter that he doesnt trust her, not that her going out of town this way shows she is not trustworthy.

    jokes should be respectful, a person that makes disrespectful jokes has actually self confidence issues himself. sometimes you can joke and call names in a cute way, but so much of it I dont think is good or funny. I make ALOT of jokes myself, but always make sure the person is fine with it.

    So if someone comes from a broken family you should throw them out? I come from a good family, loving mom and dad, but I never judge a person based on their family, sure it has some significant impacts, but I have seen some very sweet and admirable ppl that came from a disfunctional family and built their life themselves.

    well, I am not saying she doesnt have problems going on in her head, but as a boy friend who loves her he should try to help her and if there is really this much difference in beliefs and lifestyle leave her.
     
  9. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    Yea, when you are in a good relationship, the teasing shouldn't be a big deal at all... I think its cute in a way, and it you trust and know the person, you should be able to realize its just in a joking manner. Being able to have fun and laugh and tease each other is a good part about relationships.
     
  10. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    -Sadly, you can't change a person, they have to want to change themselves. And it seems like this girl is fine with the stoner lifestyle.
     
  11. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Each one of those things individually isn't so bad. But when they are all together? Come on, don't be naive here.

    A girl who gets drunk with her ex-boyfriends, comes from a home where the only thing she knows is a mother who cheates on her husband, AND goes out of town where there is a girl paired for each guy?

    I'd try to give her the benefit of the doubt, but damn.

    We don't know exactly what kinds of jokes he is saying, though. :dunno:

    Again, it's just a notch in the long list of other thins that is wrong with this girl. A broken family by itself? You're right. But mix in a pothead, who shows absolutely no interest in her boyfriend, can't hold a job, is in a financial mess, and gets drunk with ex-boyfriend? Just a long list of fail. Not somebody you want to be in a relationship with. It's one thing to be their FRIEND, but fuck having a relationship with someone like that.

    You and demos need to stop defending her. You're making like this girl doesn't have fail written all over her, and that simply isn't true.

    And they've been dating 8 months. When you DATE you are qualifying somebody to marry or you date just for the fun of it. AFter 8 months, things are starting to get serious. You don't date somebody to change them. You don't date someone to fix them. The point of dating is to measure compatibility, which this couple obviously lacks.
     
  12. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Stop trying to stick up for her just because she is a girl. You will lose.
     
  13. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    he sees himself as abuser, so prolly he KNOWS that the jokes he made are not the cute ones you can get a goof laugh of.

    I dont know why I can't see a problem with getting drunk with an ex either! Maybe I am being optimistic cause first of all I have strong morals that sometimes I wish I didnt, and second if I get drunk I am not intrested in sexual stuff AT ALL just laughing and sleeping...weird I know!

    I agree you don't date to change. but everyone goes to some stages in life that can be considered as a loser, doesnt mean she is always going to be or she has always been. And he said he loves her, prolly there is something lovable in her for him. As I said I dont wanna judge so harshly, I think he knows better than all of us what her situation is with this girl. Is she open to change and getting help or not? if not you are right, this relationship wont go anywhere.
     
  14. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    It is not just because she is a girl, I just don't judge harshly without knowing all the truth about her. So I gave different possibilities and different things he can do for each of them. I wish he writes another post and help us more in here.
     
  15. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    It's more likely that an abuse doesn't know that they are abusers. That's WHY they are abusers.

    Someone who thinks they are an abuser is more likely the abused methinks.

    Even IF he is an abuser, this girl is still a trainwreck and this relationship is complete fail.

    First steps first...get away from this relationship and THEN make a self-evaluation on the things he needs to change.

    :rofl:

    Exactly. It's WEIRD...which means it's the exception rather than the rule.

    And if you can't see why getting drunk with an ex isn't acceptable behaviour while you are in a relationship with somebody, then you have issues of your own. :dunno:

    This relationship won't go anywhere until they both resolve their issues. It's highly unlikely that that is going to happen while they are in a relationship where all they do is fight.

    Issues such as these take professional counselling, and for some reason I just don't think going to counselling after only dating 8 months to save a relationship is really a good step towards a long term relationship.
     
  16. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    It's an internet forum, nobody knows the whole truth, you just have to accept what someone says as face value, and not read more into it, like "maybe she has some good qualities that override the bad ones!"

    It doesn't work like that.
     
  17. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    I would rather be more conservative about it. The thing is although he didnt say she has good qualities, I say "If she does...". The op knows what I am talking about and that is all that matters.
     
  18. t-t-t-today

    t-t-t-today New Member

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    I tried to give a pretty balanced summary of each of our faults.

    Regarding her good qualities:
    About the only thing I can say right now is that she is a nice person. Recently she has shown me that she does have some drive. This week she got a job and said she plans on saving all of her money so she can move out asap. I don't know how the hell she plan on sustaining a comfortable living on $8.50 an hour, but I guess at least she's trying. She is taking a lot of her ques from me though. She got a job and made those plans because those are pretty much MY exact plans, minus the fact that instead of getting a job I have started an online business. I told her my plans and she just repeated them to me a few weeks later.

    Regarding her coming from a broken home:
    She claims that she doesn't want to be anything like her mother, and wants to live a life opposite of what her family was like. Again, she is just taking her ques from me. That was MY exact plan that I told her and she just repeated it to me a week later. My family was very dysfunctional. There was a lot of physical violence, verbal abuse, and no trust. The only reason I give her the benefit of the doubt that she is serious about it is because I myself have made that claim and I am dead serious about it, so I know that it isn't impossible.


    Then again you have to consider that she JUST got her new job after months of me pushing her to get a job. It not MY responsibility to make sure she gets a job and gets her life in order. So unless she takes control from here and starts making her own decisions, which would be really impressive, our future is going to consist of me pulling both of our weight, and that is just not acceptable. Just thinking about this really starts making me realize once again how much of a bum she is. This is probably where my suppressed anger comes from, hence my excessive joking/teasing of her. Then again it's hard to tell if I am just being an abusive asshole when I tease her, because maybe I should give her some time to figure things out and get it done by herself. I really don't know...
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2008
  19. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    well, this post made it clear to me that this relationship is not going to work out...time to move on maybe..
     
  20. fray

    fray New Member

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    I disagree with this. Teasing can certainly go too far. Maybe you wouldn't really categorize it as teasing when it gets to that point. When you constantly hear the same comment you begin to believe and resent it regardless of if it was "just a joke". This is an issue I have with my boyfriend.

    Example - every time I mess up in the kitchen, I have to hear how I'm "more like a man" or he could do it better. I do 98% of the cooking and he doesn't complain. So when I can't screw something up here and there, without being made to feel like an idiot, yeah, I think it's a problem that goes beyond just my being too sensitive or not being able to take a joke like I used to. (And yes, it happens outside the kitchen for me as well, that was just an easy example.) Jokes are funny when they're funny. When they're insulting (and especially when they're insulting and constant) they're not funny anymore. It's just a rude way to get to say what you want without having to take responsibility for it.
     
  21. fray

    fray New Member

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    . to both of those.

    No wonder she walks on egg shells around you. She's waiting for your next insulting barrage of "jokes" to come on.

    The things you feel like she needs help with are not things she sees as problems. She did not ask for your help (I'm assuming) to fix her life, yet you keep offering her "advice" and telling her how all the choices she's making are wrong. You sound like a loving and supportive boyfriend. :ugh2:

    You can't judge her based on her family history - her dad didn't cheat and he was part of the family too. You don't like pot smoking, then why date her?? The clubbing thing I can see being irritating to you, have you discussed it and tried to compromise, or do you just make jabbing comments about it? Depending on the relationship she had with these guys, it may be completely normal and nothing you should worry about. Do you ever go out with them? Maybe she just needs to get away from you for a while. Point is, if there are things you don't like about her or her lifestyle, you talk to her about it. If it doesn't change, you don't just berate her over it and try to get her to change when she doesn't want to. You break up because she doesn't meet what you're looking for. Doing otherwise will just build to resentment, which seems to be where you're at now.
     
  22. fray

    fray New Member

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    If you nag her about EVERYTHING, then there's nothing she's going to be able to do that you are not going to be able to claim as caused by your own effort.

    And you come from a violent, abusive home?? So basically you're just projecting that since you came from that and now you are living that, she must be going to follow hers too?? That's silly. You're just getting yourself worked up and not controlling the emotion. I imagine it's hard for you if you never learned it at home, but it can be learned later.
     
  23. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    God, why are people debating this?

    From the initial post, it's clear he doesn't respect/like her. She doesn't respect/like him. So end the damn relationship already!

    Second, after you break up with her, work on your self control...but then again, a lot of the jokes and criticisms could be a subconscious way of you trying to push her away...

    Just fucking end the relationship NOW.
     
  24. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    are you happy? doesnt sound like it. do what you need to do.
     
  25. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    I really hope that she leaves you once something marginally better comes along. It's really crappy to "tease" someone who has already suffered from that sort of shit her whole life.
     

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