How do I forgive myself...?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by perfectquietude, Apr 22, 2009.

  1. perfectquietude

    perfectquietude New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2008
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    0
    I really fucked up this relationship with this guy I was seeing several months ago. We weren't together, but we were dating, and I kissed 2 other guys (one at a party and one after a date), and I told him about it... He didn't want to date me afterward, and said if I really cared I wouldn't have done that... I know he was right, but we were long distance and at the time I felt so afraid that I would lose him so I guess I was just trying to protect my heart by trying to see other people (none of which really meant anything to me). I realize now how completely immature I was and how I merely insured that things would not work out by showing him the exact opposite of how I felt.

    The thing is I still care and it's been several months since that the whole incident happened. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone, and I just feel really sad that our relationship ended.

    I have tried to move on, and I haven't been seeing anyone exclusively since. He still talks to me every once in a while, and it just makes me really sad when I hear his voice because I wonder about what could have been.

    I know all of you are going to say just move on... but it's so hard to when all I think about is how perfect we could have been together and how I fucked that up.

    How do I forgive myself?
     
  2. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2004
    Messages:
    11,333
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Awestralia
    You fucked up. You can't change that.

    You told him and he quite rightly reacted in a certain way.

    If you cared about him you probably wouldn't have done it. Despite that you are still feeding yourself bullshit excuses.

    If he won't forgive you, and I don't see why he should (if he meant that much why do it?) then you'll just have to move on. You can't do much else.
     
  3. perfectquietude

    perfectquietude New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2008
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    0
    I am fairly sure I did what I did out of fear.. that is the only reasoning I can think of... I'm just so sad that I let my fears get in the way. What I did was by no means worth losing him :(
     
  4. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2004
    Messages:
    11,333
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Awestralia
    So tell him what you did and why you did it. Write it down and let him know

    At least that way you can tell yourself that you did all you could to try and salvage a bad sitaution.

    But remember. If it doesn't work out you have to simply move on.
     
  5. Junior

    Junior New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2008
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    i don't understand.. you feared losing him so you kissed some other guy(s)? imo just drop this excuse of 'you were scared to lose him'--you cheated because you were a cheater and didn't care enough about the relationship to remain faithful. at least come to terms with this so that you can gain something from this experience instead of trying to disguise your actions.
     
  6. snoodles

    snoodles New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2008
    Messages:
    403
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    okay, so you feel guilty. good. at least it seems you have a conscience. how do you forgive yourself? learn from it and don't do it again.
     
  7. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,752
    Likes Received:
    0
    are you doing ANYTHING since you said you haven't been dating? Going out with friends, hanging out on weekends, etc?

    I ask, because if all you're doing is sitting at home, of course you'll be miserable. You'll just keep thinking of him and the good times, and convince yourself that you're in bad times now.

    If you don't wanna date yet, don't. But at least go out with some friends once in awhile.

    Oh, and stop talking to him for awhile.
     
  8. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2002
    Messages:
    960
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tampa Bay
    You said you weren't exclusive, so what's the problem? If you had meant that much to each other, you would have made it exclusive. Seems to me that he's overreacting a bit, and if he's willing to drop you at that, it's probably not worth fighting for. If you were exclusive and you had done that, than I would have dropped your ass too. But if you weren't, what's the problem here?
     
  9. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2007
    Messages:
    30,849
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Rhode Island
    Quick and simple

    You said you weren't dating, you weren't morally/technically required to be 'faithful' to one person.

    Forgive yourself, move on.
     
  10. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2004
    Messages:
    23,699
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NoVA
    1. Figure out what you think you did wrong
    2. Figure out why you did it
    3. Take steps to insure you don't do it again
     
  11. Bob Brown

    Bob Brown bewshit, bewshit, bewshit

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2007
    Messages:
    3,909
    Likes Received:
    0
    You screwed up; he's not willing to forgive you; move on. Just move on and if you have to cut off all contact and run, do it.
     
  12. Televandalist

    Televandalist New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2008
    Messages:
    423
    Likes Received:
    0
    Stop idealizing the situation, Odds are good that you weren't perfect for eachother, but by sitting and dwelling on it, and not getting back into life as usual you're looking back at what you had and not forward on what you could have. Get out there and live, he wasn't perfect, no one is.

    Oh and cut off contact for a while.
     
  13. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2009
    Messages:
    924
    Likes Received:
    0
    If you aren't "with" someone exclusivly then you did nothing wrong. I see no problem with being with a few people. Until that other person or you ask to change the relationship then you are free to do as you wish. He could have easily done the same. He shouldn't have been upset although I'd advise you that telling someone you really like that you made out with 2 other guys really isn't the smartest move.
     
  14. bait

    bait New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2003
    Messages:
    14,432
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    University of Louisville

    That is such a bullshit thing to say.
     
  15. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2002
    Messages:
    14,236
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    NYC
    If you didnt promise him monogomy, then i completely fail too see what you did wrong. If he cared so much about you he would have asked you to be his gf, or exclusive or something. He didnt commit and got burned. Im not sure why you told him. That could definitely count as a tmi midtake. Stop beating yourself up and building up this guy you lost.
     
  16. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    Why?

    I think it's pretty reasonable to not kiss people if you care about/are dating someone else.
     
  17. THoC

    THoC New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2007
    Messages:
    7,341
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    TRampa, FL
    define that for me. bc if you mean you went on a couple of dates but did not committ to each other then i see nothing wrong w. what you did.
     
  18. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2003
    Messages:
    4,729
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Twin Cities, MN
    Sounds like he was the one who had a problem with it. If you weren't exclusive why would he care who you kissed? But why did you tell him about kissing these 2 guys. I probably know why, but I want to hear it from your own words.
     
  19. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2008
    Messages:
    27,527
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lexington, KY
    But in defense of him, if you are dating someone, and thinking about investing yourself into this relationship, hearing that the girl went off and kissed two guys, it's kinda a turn off. I don't fault him for not wanting to be with you anymore. If I was dating a guy and found out he went around and kissed girls, I don't think I would take the relationship seriously.

    Yes, you DIDN'T have any obligation, but I think it's kinda a morals thing. If you honestly wanted to be with him you wouldn't have gone out and made out with other guys and then tell him about it. I think you were trying to make him jealous and it backfired on you.
     
  20. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2007
    Messages:
    3,553
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    216
    .

    Even if you aren't exclusive yet, but it is something you want or feel like will happen why still go out with other people?
     
  21. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2002
    Messages:
    14,236
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    NYC
    I think thats the opposite of reasonable. There are clearly defined titles and labels that get used a lot in romantic situations to clarify this exact issue. if he hasnt asked her to be exclusive, shes a free woman. What else would be the point of making a girl your girlfriend if shes not allowed to see other men the moment you buy her dinner
     
  22. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    By realizing he's not the only good guy out there. As long as you've learned your lesson you need to let go so you can eventually start fresh with another worthy guy.
     
  23. Bob Brown

    Bob Brown bewshit, bewshit, bewshit

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2007
    Messages:
    3,909
    Likes Received:
    0
    and not screw it up this time.
     
  24. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2002
    Messages:
    14,236
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    NYC
    by telling the guy about it. You haven't answered the question so it seems safe to say that you were trying to make him jealous or something similarly stupid.
     
  25. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2007
    Messages:
    21,652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area
    Realize that you fucked up and remember you can never make that mistake again or you'll lose something worth even more than what you had.
     

Share This Page