How do I figure this out... did she cheat, or am I just paranoid?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by huntz0r, Jul 31, 2005.

  1. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    First time in here, be gentle... :hsugh: This might turn out to be a long read, but it's all necessary to flesh out all the relevant info.

    Okay some background.. I've been with my girlfriend coming up on three years now. I'm 24 and she is 20. We live in different cities a bit less than two hours apart, so until she started having a crazy work schedule lately, I went to see her just about every weekend. Being a typical unsocial type, she was my first everything. But she was sexually active from a very young age, and went through a lot of shitty and traumatic experiences with gangs and drugs... mind you this was in middle school. Her "storied" past I guess was a bit of a sticking point for me, but I accepted it and dealt with it. She got herself out of the nasty shit a few years before but was scarred by it and depressed for a long time until after we got together and I helped her work through everything. I really care about her and we are at the point of talking marriage. In about a month, she is moving out of state, about 5-6 hours away, to continue her schooling, and I plan to follow her there, but not move in together.

    At this point I should note a few things about myself. I've been known to be a little neurotic at times. I would say I'm the jealous type. It always kind of burned me about her past, she is my first and only, I feel like that's a really special thing and she will never have that with me, I'm just the latest in a long line of boys and girls. She even once admitted to me that she didn't know if she could be satisfied with just me, and have no contact at all with girls. My lack of confidence in my, er.. abilities, being unexperienced, doesn't help. I know that's a common feeling for people to have and it's not necessarily right. But I do feel like on other levels we have something between us that she never really had with anyone else before.

    The first thing she did that really got to me was when I was out of town, after we had been together a couple months, she got drunk at a party and made out with one of her girl friends. I called her on the phone when she was there, and she told me this having no idea I would have a problem with it. I let her know I didn't really like her doing that but pretty much let it slide. A while later she did the same thing again, and I got mad at her and told her so more directly. A few months later - yep, you guessed it, she got drunk at another party and did it again, and that was when I got really pissed. She had known my feelings and just disregarded them (it was then that she told me about not wanting to give up girls). Still, she promised no more, and as far as I know, she has not broken that promise.

    Remember what I said about being jealous? Well as she is a sort of geeky type, she has a number of pretty close male friends, one of whom you might say is her best friend; I've sometimes thought they have more in common than we do, and she'd be with him if not for me. Her sister started the running joke of calling him her "other boyfriend" because she hangs out with him a lot. But I have done my best to reason with my head on this. I don't want to live in a constant state of worry because of my own insecurities. She hasn't done anything to truly break my trust, so for me to be so suspicious isn't very fair to her.

    Fast forward to a few months ago. She and her sister play COH with a number of friends including the best friend and his roommate, who as it happens is her sister's boyfriend of some months. They want to do some quest or something, and they both decided to take their computers over there and play all night. Meanwhile I am in town both of these days and staying at another friend's house - I can hardly go inside that place for 15 minutes because I have bad cat allergies and they have four of them. I helped her get her stuff over there, stayed for a bit and then said goodnight and went to "my" place.

    I couldn't sleep much. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. And not because I was actually sick.

    Morning came, I didn't feel much better, so I went over there to see her and to prove to myself there was nothing wrong. Nobody was up yet. She wasn't answering her phone at first, must have been asleep. When she did pick up after a couple tries I asked her to let me in, obviously sounding anxious about something, she seemed kind of stunned that I was there, she said okay, I'll be right down... a 20 second distance at most. 4 minutes passed before she appeared. Strange. Now the panic sets in.

    She decided she'd go ahead home, so I helped her with her stuff. Her computer was in best friend's room. So were a couple of her things. So was... her phone. Not only in the room but on the desk right next to best friend's bed, which had a large uncovered area on the near side. No, you're just having crazy thoughts. Put it out of your head.

    Later in the day, I told her I had been thinking worrisome thoughts. I think worrisome thoughts all the time though. This had to be just another one. I never accused her of anything, but she guessed what it was: "You think I'm fucking [friend], right?" She brushed it off, brought me to my senses. She said "Don't worry, I'm not going to leave you for [friend]," in a reassuring tone. Yet, she never actually denied the first thing. Okay, don't nitpick. There's nothing going on; get over it.

    Recently I've found myself ever more unable to stop thinking about that day. It's the phone. So she was on the computer in there, the other stuff being there makes sense but... why would she have been woken up by the phone, sleeping in another room, and put it down there before coming to the door? It makes no sense. As minor and stupid as it seems, that's the part that makes the whole thing stink. I've seen other pieces too. Her sex drive really started to wane after we had been together for about a year and a half, and it's continued downhill since. We don't get many chances naturally, since she still lives with her parents and I have no place to myself down there. We spent an entire week with her family on vacation at a beach house. I had my own room. We had sex once. We must have done it ten or twelve times in a week on the last vacation two years ago. I know cooling off after a while is normal, but I sure don't like it. It's like she doesn't put much effort into us anymore, not just with sex but in other areas besides that. She hardly calls me anymore. We'll go a week without speaking if I don't call her. She has let herself go in weight eating junk all the time which I don't much like either, since I made a big effort to lose weight myself, not at her request exactly, but in part for her. There are certain things she has said very recently, like she told me she could never have a relationship with [friend], a real relationship like we have... then said at most she could only have a physical relationship with him. That one struck me a little funny when I heard it; thinking back now it seems like a giant red flag with all the other things.

    I have it in my mind to just go talk straight with her about this. Lay out what I've been thinking, every detail, like I've done here. I don't want to accuse her of anything, but I do want to ask a straight question with a straight answer. I can't prove anything and she can't disprove anything. All I can do is ask her and see her response. Of course if I'm right then it's just an opportunity to lie, but perhaps I could tell if she is being truthful. I fear the question will hurt her very much if my suspicions truly are unfounded.

    I've always felt like honesty is the best policy, and I honestly am concerned, but this is so sticky and I just don't know what I should do. :wtc:
     
  2. DagoRcR

    DagoRcR OT Supporter

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    Dump her. Seriously, she sounds like trash. She has been fucking [friend]. To her, it's not a big deal and she seperates sex from relationship. She sees it as ok to have sex with him, even though she's with you. She def. doesn't sound like your kind of girl. Drop it now.
     
  3. JustaMeThang

    JustaMeThang New Member

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    I am the same as you when it comes to overthinking things....and it certainly does take its toll. I dont have any real advice for you but If I saw the phone next to the bed, I would be thinking the same thing you are. Flat out ask her, you're not accusing or assuming...you're asking bc you dont want to accuse or assume that she has or has not done anything wrong. Keep us updated and good luck.
     
  4. scifimom

    scifimom Fear is the mind killer. I will face my fear and l

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    Dump her. She's not the type of girl for a guy like you. You need a person who is trustworthy and honest with way less baggage, and won't make you question everything. You deserve better:).
     
  5. StuDLei

    StuDLei Death before Dishonor

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    Ask for the truth...be nice about it but dont be a pushover either. Be honest with her about how you feel. If she cant handle that then she has issues. Sounds very fishy to me. I dont trust anybody though, and I have my reasons. Trust is EARNED NOT GIVEN. Remember that.
     
  6. Darrin

    Darrin Eat. Sleep. Arrest People.

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    3 years is alot to just "Dump" her over. I had the same thing where she went to a club, ended up getting a lift home with her ex, and they kissed, which she denied. It wasnt until he told me that i found out. Both of their stories conflict and some things he couldnt have known without them happening, but she flatly denies. I've just learnt to forget about it because i know she loves me. And wants to be with me, despite how much it'll crop up in my head and i think "UHFDHGHD"..

    However:

    It seems like she is "losing interest" as it were. I'd suggest talking about everything before just "Dumping" her for sure. Ask why she doesnt call you any more, u know just talk about everything. I assume your main reason to move where she was moving to goto school was to be with her. Maybe if you say you know that you wanna know if you are the one for her, and does she really wanna be with you as youre moving a long distance for her. Because if she doesnt wanna be with you, i guess u wont wanna move. All things you need to flesh out before doing anything. But yeah i'd suggest telling her how u feel about everything, and if she doesnt seem interested during the conversation about it all (u know, 1 word answers and stuff) then lose her.


    Best of Luck, let us know how it goes if u decide to have it out with her (ps, i wouldnt bother bringing up the whole friend sleeping thing. If u guys do finish, then ask her, but asking her in ure big chat is only gonna give her another reason do doubt ure trust and want to call it quits)
     
  7. Darrin

    Darrin Eat. Sleep. Arrest People.

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    ps. CoH fucking sucks. tell her to play a better MMORPG :)
     
  8. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    My favorite reply of the thread! Goddamn I do not understand the appeal of that game. It's more repetitive than Tetris. I think the people who play it really just like to play dress-up with the player models.

    Seriously though, thanks for your input. I really do not want to just give up on her, we have been together a long time, and above that, I am a very loyal person... I can't bear to just abandon someone I care about, it would be hard for me to do even if they did something to deserve it. And I would have felt the same way if we had just been together a year or 6 months or 3. It's just the way I am.

    I guess there is probably some truth to the losing interest angle, but then, I can be pretty uninteresting, so I doubt very much that it has nothing to do with me. That is probably something I need to work to address too. There are reasons for her not calling as much because she often works nights (restaurant kitchen) and doesn't get home till I'm long asleep, and when she is up before work I am working... but even so she knows I can usually take some time out to talk to her.

    She might be coming to see me tonight or tomorrow night, hopefully tonight so we can be alone here... and I think I will talk to her about this, as openly and fairly as I can and trying not to seem like I am prejudging anything. I think she will be reasonable if this is all hogwash, as long as I don't act like an ass about it.

    We shall see...
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2005
  9. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    Well she didn't come up here last night, too tired after work I guess. So I don't know how soon I will be able to see her and talk.
     
  10. Darrin

    Darrin Eat. Sleep. Arrest People.

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    rather than wait for her, i think you need to ask her over, or you could be waiting around for a while :S
     
  11. MovieMan84

    MovieMan84 Here we go

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    You need to talk to her pronto or you're going to drive yourself nuts. I'd advocate taking the high road and not making any accusations, but play up your search for truth and fairness and whatnot. You have a right to know what's going on, if not for your emotional well-being then at least for your physical well-being (if you assume she's being monogamous and she's not then there's some inherent risk there.) However, if she wants an open relationship and you don't, then that's probably an irreconcilable difference between the two of you that you're going to have to decide for yourself how to handle.
     
  12. gibhunter

    gibhunter New Member

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    Man, you're an easy guy to have wool pulled over your head. She has you wrapped around her finger. By the way, her sister is right. Either that guy or you, or both of you are the other boyfriend.

    Ps. The physical relationship comment wasn't funny. It was a statement saying that she finds her friend attractive and would if isn't already have him as a fuck buddy, but woudn't want a relationship because of (name your reason). Basically, the friend (think of him as her fuck buddy) is close and when it's too far to go and meet with you or she just wants some fun dirstraction she is "too tired after work" to see you, but definitely not tired enough not to see him.

    Sorry, for sounding like an asshole, but I learned the hard way many years ago that if the signs are threre, trust your instinct. She is cheating on you, whether you want to believe it or not.
     
  13. Darrin

    Darrin Eat. Sleep. Arrest People.

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    i wouldnt necessarily say she IS cheating, but the intention to is there i'd say
     
  14. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    We talked on the phone today for a good while. At this point I do not believe anything happened. I don't really feel like going into the details, but I am as convinced as I could ever be that nothing is going on between them or has gone on since we have been together. I don't think she is looking to cheat either.

    This is definitely not the case. Again I don't really want to go into why, but I am quite sure of it now.

    We do have things to work out in our relationship, differences of perspective (you can only imagine, considering our interpersonal backgrounds could not be more polar opposite) and we are going to hold off on any commitment for a while. The boat is officially rocked.

    I can do nothing more except continue to work at things and hope for the best, as I always have.

    Thanks for your responses.
     
  15. gibhunter

    gibhunter New Member

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    Good luck. Hopefully when the two of you are in the same city you won't have these problems.

    On a good note, she didn't say it ain't cheating if we're not in the same area code;-)
     
  16. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    Haha no... that would have been pretty :ugh2:

    Being local will definitely be a good thing I think. I look forward to it.
     
  17. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    City of Heroes. It's poop but people like it for some reason.

    Pretty much what I tried to do is what you said. Ask for the truth straight up. She said no. And told me some ancilliary facts which go a long way toward me believing her.

    I tried to explain to her that she doesn't want me questioning her, she shouldn't do things that are questionable. Hard for me to trust her when she goes and does things that she already knows are hurtful. I think she resents some things she now has to restrain herself from doing because I don't want her to, like making out with her girl friends at a party, because she sees nothing at all wrong with acting that way, nor do her friends, and doesn't (or refuses to) understand why have a problem with it. She feels that I am being unreasonable. She thinks I am demanding her to change who she is, but all I am asking her to change are a few of the things she does. Maybe she does not see a difference between the two, as I do. It seems that making me feel uncomfortable or even hurt is not a good enough reason for her not to do something that she doesn't feel is wrong, I ought to just get over it because it's my problem. Never mind that she can change the way she acts but I can't change the way I react.

    Anyway that's just a big long rant and it's where I'm coming from. It's not the whole story to be sure.
     
  18. aaron33

    aaron33 New Member

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    Even overlooking this incident with [friend], the fact that she made out with her girlfriends multiple times means she does not respect your relationship with her. A relationship is between 2 people, both emotional and physical. There is no halfway about it. No splitting between the emotional and physical, no sharing with additional people as well (unless you're into 3somes, but that can and usually does lead to relationship disaster). I've been cheated on before. And I can say that I really had the wool pulled over my eyes. If you can see it obviously, then there is a pretty high chance that you won't be happy in the relationship. And I always believe that if you are not happy, then you should get out and later on get in a relationship that you are happy with (after the cooling off period of course!)
     
  19. micks

    micks the snausage wallet OT Supporter

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    Talk to her about it, if she flat out denies it, dump her. While you talk to her, use some reverse psychology on her and claim that "her best friend told you what happened and you know all about it," without any further details and make her come up with something.
     
  20. lilceez112

    lilceez112 New Member

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    you are holding on to something that you shouldnt. i dont doubt that she cares about you but she doesnt see your relationship the same way you do. you will only be hurting yourself more by staying with her. i would cut all contact with her (which is hard i know) and move on. its the best thing. IT WILL NOT WORK OUT. trust me.
     
  21. Spaulding Smails

    Spaulding Smails Real Estate Guru

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    Being a relationship for a long time isn't a good sole reason to negate serious redflags in your mind... Feeling like you can't talk about them, or will just get a lie is a redflag in itself....

    If in your mind you thought you'd be able to find a replacement for her the next week, would you care as much? considering you are clearly not getting what you want out of the relationship?

    Priorities
    Insecurities
    Self esteem

    all seem out of whack....
     
  22. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    Whaddya know...

    I think I referred to it a few times in other threads; at the beginning of September I found out that she was screwing around behind my back, not just with the best-friend I mentioned in this thread, but an "open" couple who are her friends, and the girl from the open couple, and the girl from the open couple with the best-friend at the same time, and all three of them in a group, on many occasions, for several months.

    I found out by copying and reading her AIM logs. So fucking sue me. Lying pieces of shit deserve no privacy. I was hoping to find nothing and be assuaged... obviously I found even more than I was afraid of.

    She had told me she slept with him once 6 months before we got together. She said she wanted a relationship with him, but it turned out he just wanted to be fuck buddies (he's practically if not clinically a satyr, from her description), so she broke it off, and later in the fall she got together with me. I seriously doubt the truth of this story now, but anyway, that's what she told me that convinced me (above) that she hadn't cheated, and what I had seen between them was basically a byproduct their history.

    I think now that what actually happened was around the beginning of 2004 she became friends with and actually started trying to date him and started cheating with him for maybe a month or two - hoping he would fall in love with her because she was fucking him, I guess - and keeping me around as a backup, but when it didn't work out she decided to stay with me. This is all wild speculation on my part, though.

    I felt like writing a big long new post about what happened after I found everything out, now that I have some perspective on things... maybe later.

    Just wanted to update with this:

    I really like that last part.
    < Suppress guilt over being a dirty cheating slutbag mode: ON >

    anyways
     
  23. Chipwich

    Chipwich Porno Mustache

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    Dude, get out seriously. 3 years is a long time but 3 more years wondering will be a lot longer.
     
  24. What a fucking whore, shoot her in the face.
     
  25. purplebeast

    purplebeast The depths of hell and endless torture await all h

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    If it looks like shit, smells like shit and tastes like shit. Chances are it is shit.
     

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