SRS how do i bring this up to my gf?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by unorthadox, Aug 5, 2008.

  1. unorthadox

    unorthadox New Member

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    hi ot,

    i've had numerous threads in the past and it seems like i'm always asking the same question. basically, the rundown is that my gf has had a shitty year and she's feeling the pain. we met last year (november) and all of this year she's been totally off due to her mom getting cancer, her dad having skin cancer, moving from their first house, her roommates abandoning her, and now she says that i don't support her.

    it's tough as we're in a LDR at the moment and i don't even have a car. we're both students, and i'll be graduating soon - she is about 2 hours away, and i can get their via bus, but i work at 9-5 job and she only works parttime at nights.

    i just find a lot of her expectations very unreasonable but at the same time i know that she is going through a tough time so i cut her slack.

    she expects me to be there 24/7, calling me at 4 in the morning saying she can't sleep almost weekly. of course i talk to her and calm her down, but it gets tiring when you have to get up for work at 630 and dont get off the phone with her until midnight. as well, i do a variety of volunteer activities throughout the area and this one huge committment has had a huge effect as she thinks i am placing the event above her. what i am only doing is making sure i finish the job and don't let down my teammembers - surely you'd think that by keeping your word and working hard would be applauded not something to be yelled at for. i am beginning to think she is a bit possessive.

    aside from all of those issues, she's had thoughts of killing herself, her parents beat her when she was younger, she is having surgery in september for a minor/intermediate issue and she still hasn't seen a therapist/psychologist.

    i don't know what to say to her, because everytime i tell her something serious or in a light she doesn't like she blows up on me. it's like im stuck in a twillight zone of forever saying "i wove you, you are so pwetty" when all i want to say some days is "please listen to me"

    although this is largely a vent, i guess ...

    cliffs: how do i tell my gf to seek help (with or without me)
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I'd be honest. Tell her you can't do this anymore, and end it.

    She has to get therapy for herself, not for you.

    Just as a guy, I see a lot of reasons why the relationship isn't worth it...the LDR, constraints on your time, and graduating soon would be enough to reconsider the merit of the relationship. Add on a girl who is expecting you to be her therapist....no.

    You're not her therapist, but she is clearly expecting you to be.

    That's not fair to you, and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
     
  3. unorthadox

    unorthadox New Member

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    thanks for the reply matt.

    i've been a part of this which is why i'm stuck in what to do. i've been there telling her "ill be there, and im here for you to talk to" so i think that's going to bite me in the ass. i love being their, but i just can't do it on my own anymore. i am fairly confident she has OCD as well.

    thing is i really want to keep this going, it's a great relationship when this stuff isn't going on. is there a way to let her know i'm not her therapist without ending the relationship? i'd be down with supporting her (driving, being there before and after) to the actual therapist, but i definitely don't think couples counselling is needed since we're not even married ha.

    i realize i don't deserve to be treated like it, but sometimes i feel like a bit of sacrifice is needed. i know that you have to live life for yourself and help others along the way. but looking after your own happiness is human nature and what we should strive for. i hate saying that because it sounds greedy, but what makes me happy is helping others, enjoying nature, etc whereas other people will have different ideas. her idea of life is appeasing others, not doing what makes her happy and it realllllly makes me angry because she is always upset about it.

    its impossible to tell someone to change, and i know that. but is it possible to help facilitate change?

    -jeff
    ps sorry for the ramblings
     
  4. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    You say that now, but I'm betting therapy/counseling has been brought up to her before...and if she's not willing to go, I doubt you asking her will make it happen.

    And even if she does go to therapy, this stuff isn't going to go away overnight...how much longer can you endure this?

    What happens if it gets to the point where it really starts to affect your work? If you're up all night dealing with her, what happens when you go to work exhausted and screw up something?

    And how often is this stuff NOT going on?

    I never said this would be easy, but really, you have to put yourself first. You can't sacrifice your life to make hers all better...hell, you're trying that now, is it working?

    I know you care about her, and thats why it is so hard to let go...but believe me, if you don't, you will just get sucked down as low as she is, and you will resent her for it. Heck, even if you don't, you'll start to get annoyed...you can only say the same things to her so many times before you get tired of it.

    I've been there. I had a depressed friend, always talked about how sad her life was, how nobody liked her, how she was undatable, ect. I'd always say "thats not true, things will get better, blah blah blah". Then one day, I just realized "I'm tired of wasting my time having the same conversations over and over".

    She has to get herself out of this, not you. Continuing what you are doing will just end up in hurting yourself.
     
  5. unorthadox

    unorthadox New Member

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    ok. thanks for the great tips.
    i'm meeting up with her this weekend so i think we'll have a great talk about this. i'll keep you updated so that anyone in the future with this question won't be as confused as i am ha.
    cheers
     
  6. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    Wow, I can understand your situation since I am going through mostly the same thing but from your gf's side of things. So bear with me since my opinion will be somewhat biased. I didn't want to see a therapist but what my bf did was essentially force me to see one and took me himself while i was kicking and screaming to see them. He also went with me to my first few meetings to make sure I was being honest and to give his support. She needs you right now more than you may ever know and more than she might realize herself. That's a hard burden to carry but she is probably feeling like you are the only person she can go to for some respite from things. If you don't think you can handle it don't allow her to keep trying to get everything she needs emotionally from you. Tell her point blank that you love her but can't do it. Hopefully she will have enough clairty of mind to realise this is too much for you. Despite what she is going through you can not coddle her. That won't do either of you any good in the long run. She needs more help that you can't give her. That's just my two cents.
     
  7. unorthadox

    unorthadox New Member

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    hm ok, that is interesting. perhaps we can work together to help each other with this corpsestreet :)

    so from your p.o.v., i should be very patient, open, and understanding and make myself available at times if i can. what would make you accept a therapist visit? i've briefly brought it up in the past but not in a direct manner. did you respect the force of it? was the support during the meeting good or awkward?

    and by "you cannot coddle her" what do you mean by that? i can't nurse her? i have to be progressive and help her learn/get better instead of babying her along?

    thanks! and if oyu have any questions of what your bf might be thinking ask me as i can gve my 0.02$.

    Cheers
    -jeff
     
  8. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    Of course we can work together!

    I think you should be very patient with her as what she is going through will warp the way the reacts to everything and it can really mess with her head and the way she deals with everything. I finally accepted seeing a therapist because my SO was very firm about me seeing him. For a while my SO would say I think you should see one but finally he said you have to see one. Essentially he didn't give me a choice and at that point that's what I needed. I needed him to take me by the hand and bring me through the door literally. Yes, I did respect the force of it and I felt I had to comply. The support during the meeting was good. My SO was able to give a clearer view of my behavior to the therapist and at the same time if we talked about something uncomfortable I was able to look over at him for support.

    When I say don't coddle her I mean you have to let her know when she is wrong and treating you unfairly. What your SO is going through can cause her to put blame on you and essentially take everything out on you. She might not be doing it actively but a part of her will find it easier to be mad at you when things go wrong or get worse. She needs your support but at the same time she needs you to push her to help herself. She needs you to say "okay, shit sucks but you need to fix the things you can". Love her but remember to be firm and honest.

    If you would like my bf's side of things or opinion I'm sure he wouldn't mind giving it. We have been going through major problems for about a year and a half now so we both have alot to say on the subject lol.
     
  9. unorthadox

    unorthadox New Member

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    ok thanks for the advice. sounds like you two have your heads on and are going in the right direction! hopefully i'll be in the same boat as you sometime.

    i plan on being patient and supportive, its just the LDR part is a bit tough - i'm not able to see her in person during the week and on weekends is the time i do alot of the work for the volunteer activity i've signed up for. i want to spend that time with her but at the same time i have to stand by my word and finish what i started. i think i'll try that approach of what your bf did, it seems like you my gf and you are similar. she is hesitant about going to one, and i think she just needs to see and experience the effects rather than think "oh is this good" or "oh this is bad"

    and i totally agree about not being a doormat. its tough because its a huge balancing act between being nice and supportive and being firm and respected. the reason why i wrote this post in the first place is i just got off the phone with her this morning where shes upset because i want to see my friend who is flying back home after being in europe for 4 months - she wants to stay at her place and enjoy a mini vacation which i cant blame her for doing. then she gets mad at me when i say im going to have a tough time coming to all of her plans, and calls me a hypocrite haha.

    i suppose the only thing to do right now is talk with her and make sure we are seeing eye to eye. i think alot of the issue is both of us are unclear of what we see ourselves as. thanks for the reply

    -jeff
     
  10. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    No problem! My bf and I are also doing the long distance relationship thing. I can be a bitch about how he spends his time too but that's just because I miss him and don't always know how to handle it. What your gf and I both need to remember is that your time is your time. You guys have a life outside of us.

    Talking will definitely help you guys. I think my bf and I make the most headway when we are honest and blunt about how we feel. Good luck to you guys! If you ever want to talk or anything I'm all ears.
     
  11. unorthadox

    unorthadox New Member

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    cheers, thanks! ill keep you updated and best of luck to you two - sounds like something very fun and magical you guys have.

    i'm not the greatest talker but this ichat on my new computer will certainly help things : )
     
  12. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    You're welcome and I look forward to hearing how things pan out! Hopefully we'll both find a way to make things work out for the best.
     
  13. unorthadox

    unorthadox New Member

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    kind of a mini update of sorts

    i just got a new mac computer and she's had one for a while - but the ichat thing is actually really helping with this situation. i find we're getting a lot more communication across to each other (non verbal duh) and shes been able to stay a lot more calm then before when things go wrong without me being there. i know this only a bandaid solution but have made things ok this week. the talk is still scheduled for the weekend so we'll see where it goes from here.
     

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