How can i stop being a jealous person ?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by efbomb, May 6, 2009.

  1. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

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    I'm sure i'm not the only person who has felt like this, and i'm looking for advice on how to stop being a jealous person.
    Sorry for the long read, i just want to be thorough. cliffs at bottom


    I’m 26 fyi.
    For me I believe the Jealousy has stemmed from past relationships, and the way I was raised by my parents. My parents divorced when I was ten, and basically my entire childhood they were constantly fighting and accusing the other of cheating...among many other things. I'm not trying to blame them, but I think this has something to do with how I function in a relationship.
    My first serious relationship started in highschool (also the first girl i slept with), after about 4 months I find out she was fucking her ex the whole time we were together. So I was crushed, dumped her and moved on, swearing never to let that happen to myself again.
    Next serious relationship a year later started in highschool, we dated thru highschool and into college. Basically she ended up wanting to go out to the bars all the time and I wouldn’t hear from her for a day afterwards. Find out from her best friend that she was seeing someone else, i confronted her about it and she admitted she was and she had been sleeping with him for a while. That one really hurt bad, we were on and off again for about a year after that and eventually I couldn’t trust her and ended up burning that bridge to the ground.

    So I got screwed over 2 times ... I can’t imagine any worse pain to put someone thru. I would never wish that upon anyone.


    I stayed single for a long time, like 3 years while I was working full time and going to college full time. I became close friends with a few girls, but never committed to a relationship with them even though that’s what they wanted.

    About 4 months back I start dating a girl that is totally not my type, she’s kind of a tom-boy with a “bad-girl” attitude. I get to know her and like her, I figure why not give it a true chance, after a month we commit to each other and are official bf&gf. I completely spilled my guts to this girl about how i got cheated on, and how I have a hard time trusting because of this. She acknowledged and sympathized with me, and vowed never to do that to me. Asks me if I’m a jealous person, I told her yes I can be at times, and she warns me that 80% of her friends are guys and I need to be okay with that. As we all know, most guys that are “good friends” with a female, would probably have sex with them given the opportunity… and are holding on for that opportunity. So I told her I’ll try to be okay with her guy friends.
    One of her personality traits I’ve picked up on is she is not very open about her feelings toward me. She has a “ say it once and that’s all I should need to be happy” type of attitude.
    So as we start hanging out together more often I start getting attached, and I can feel myself developing feelings for her that I haven’t felt in a long time. The whole time I have this “wall” up because I feel like I’m going to get fucked over again. I’m pretty well behaved and don’t let her know that I constantly fell like she is going to dump me and/or is cheating on me. This really becomes a problem when were out drinking, because she is a “social butterfly” in her words, and likes attention from anyone(especially dudes) and pretty regularly leaves me standing by myself at the bar to go talk to other people, and once the alcohol starts kicking in I get jealous really easy, and then can’t act normal cause I’m pissed off. … it’s getting to be a problem because now we get in fights because I get jealous and she doesn’t think she is doing anything wrong…. And she is right because she isn’t really doing anything wrong, so I end up being the douche and having to apologize and its happened more than once. I’m really worried that this is going to put too much stress on her and she will dump me because I’m insecure about the relationship.


    I know the typical answer will be; get over it … but I need to know how, I want to get over it but I don’t know how to shake the feeling.


    Cliffs; I got cheated on 2 times, stayed single for a while to get over it. Now in a new relationship and jealousy is strong and there is no good reason … need to figure out how to make it go away before I get dumped.
     
  2. knucks

    knucks Active Member

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    First of all, she sounds like a piece of shit.
    Second of all, maybe the fact that you got cheated on has something to do with you being jealous.

    I think it may work for you to not give a shit, completely.
    I know, that's hard to imagine, trust me, I still have issues with that, but I've also learned that if I plain ol don't care, you win.
     
  3. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

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    When i first started dating her this was my attitude because i wasn't sure if i really liked her or not and didn't really care if i lost her ... and yea, you're right i didn't have a problem with jealousy then .... interesting point.

    It just seems as the stronger the feelings grow, the stronger jealousy grows.

    and yes she is proudly a self proclaimed bitch.
     
  4. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    You're doing it to yourself. You have issues in this area and so you're attracted to someone who sets those issues off. It's all very psychological and I could explain why it happens, but you don't really care. The solution is- don't date women who make you feel like this. Believe me, there are women out there who would not set you off like this. You just aren't dating them (and probably won't anytime soon). Good luck!
     
  5. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Thats your insecurities knocking at your door.

    I'll be hoenst, I didnt read the whole thing so my opinion may be off.

    I had a severe issue with Jealousy while dating my first true love. Oh man, but why wouldnt I? I loved the girl to death. I wouldnt want to live with out her at the time. And look at me now, 8 years later, stronger than ever.

    What it comes down to is trust. The more you love someone the more worried you are about that someone leaving you. The reason your jealousy is so emminent/clear is because you're at the stage of the relationship where you feel like you can't go on with out her.

    Thats the issue. Although you are in love with someone, you should never allow yourself to get to the level that "you cant live with out them". At that point, its infatuation and not love. What I did was make sure I myself was happy. Made sure my whole life wasnt revolving around that one person (your SO).

    Its more of a mental thing than anyone else, but if she loves you just as much as you love her, there really is nothing to worry about. You will be faithful to her and she will be faithful to you. If she cant do that, then the fact of the matter is she doesnt deserve your time/devotion.
     
  6. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Think about it in this way... a girl comes up to you and says "I was beaten as a kid growing up and so I have issues with violence. My bf said he'll never hit me, but he is constantly yelling and throwing things. How can I stop being bothered by this?"
     
  7. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

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    I understand your point ... but should i just ditch her for being a social person?
    She defends her actions by saying that she's not interested in anyone else except me, and i should be able to let her go talk to other people and not worry because the conversations are completely innocent.
    I understand her intentions may be harmless when she talks to people, but when a group of dudes are sitting there and an attractive girl walks by and starts conversation... its different.
     
  8. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    You just answered your own question, man. She isn't doing anything wrong, but it still isn't okay with you. That's all there is to it. Just because you like her and she likes you doesn't mean you are compatible. If you try and force it, you'll both end up unhappy.
     
  9. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

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    alright point taken. She just might not be compatible with me.

    But I still don't think that will help me stop being jealous ... Or are you saying that If i find someone compatible that I can completely trust, I will not become jealous at all ?
     
  10. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    No, you will definitely still have to work at it. In my experience though, working on your jealousy issues with someone who constantly pushes your buttons is counter productive.
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i think that the women you are choosing to date are making your issues even worse.

    take the things that bother you about this girl (and your ex's) and find a girl that doesnt act that way. not every girl will flirt with everything that walks and ditch you in a bar. not every girl will cheat on you. you just seem to be drawn to the ones that do. see what they have in common and avoid it. its going to take time to move past the jealousy, but if you date someone who doesnt initially bring that out of you (like flirting with guys in front of your face) then maybe it will be easier for you to learn to trust women again
     
  12. knucks

    knucks Active Member

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    Insecure/jealous/whatever...if some girl I was seeing constantly ditched me and was a "social butterfly" (I fucking hate this term, this one girl approached me and told me that when I was bothered by her overly-scene look...), I would not be able to put up with it...especially in situations like at a bar when it is just (?) you two..
     
  13. vizyn

    vizyn New Member

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    I used to have jealousy issues, I had been cheated on in the past and I used that as an excuse, but what it boiled down to was the fact that I was insecure with myself. When I got myself to the most confident I had ever been (read: fit, good job, etc..) I was able to get over it.

    Her being social should not make you jealous. You have to remember that she's at these places with YOU, but its not her job to entertain you explicitly. Part of going out and being social..is..being social. Learn to make conversation and be social yourself. If she's doing it purposely to exploit the fact that you're insecure/jealous then she's doing it for control, and if you can overcome it and not let it bother you then you retain control. If she's legitimately just being social she's not going to like feeling guilty about it all the time and its going to push her away.

    The bottom line is you need to be confident enough in yourself to know that you're the one she ultimately is going home with at the end of the night. If she has other intentions then you don't want to be with her anyways, so what is being jealous going to help?
     
  14. vizyn

    vizyn New Member

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    Oh and also if you are able to overcome it and let her be her, and you start doing your own thing when she's off talking to people, she's going to want your attention back when she realizes she's not the center of it all the time.
     
  15. +(ll.ll)+

    +(ll.ll)+ New Member

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    At least 15 months of therapy.

    Or $350 via hypnosis.

    Take your pick.
     
  16. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    :rofl:

    Hypnosis.
     
  17. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

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    LOL hypnosis

    THanks vizyn .... i think you have a good point. My roomate was telling me basically the same thing lastnight. I just need to have trust in her, and not worry about it. Much easier said than done.... but i will give it a shot.
     
  18. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Good luck, man. Let us know how it turns out.
     
  19. vizyn

    vizyn New Member

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    Definitely true. Best approach is to focus on yourself. What will help make you more secure in your own status.
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    this.
     
  21. Phantom

    Phantom Active Member

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    I'll go against the rest of the advice here. You should not trust her, because you two are awful together. She is already bored of you and going to look for something more fun, if she has not done so already.

    You need to be more confident in yourself and not depend on her (or anyone's) attention. Once you reach this point, you will not feel insecure because it won't be so important to you anyone.

    By yourself at a bar? I sincerely doubt that, you just are unable to connect with others around you. Your problem is poor social skills. Not easily fixed, but certainly fixable.
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    don't date social butterflies

    don't date social butterflies

    don't date social butterflies

    repeat 10x in the mirror every day

    i'm sorry man :wtc: sounds like a rough situation
     
  23. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    She is not bored of you. You may even be the best thing she ever finds.

    That's not the point... just there's a certain need in her that goes against a certain need in you.

    You are basically scratching an itch by being with her. Testing yourself to see how much you can take. Eventually you will start bleeding if you keep scratching.

    Don't leave all at once. Take your time. But eventually... get out. Find someone more your type and someone for whom you are more their type.
     
  24. Ricky

    Ricky █▄ █▄█ █▄ ▀█▄

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    dude you and i must live identical lives.

    seriously
     
  25. TheNonSequitur

    TheNonSequitur New Member

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    "Learn to let go of everything you fear to lose"--Yoda

    Really. Didn't your mother ever teach you to share?
     

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