SRS How can I be friendlier and more open to people.(anonymous post)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, May 22, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    [FONT=&quot] (Sorry it's long- but informative)?[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I guess it's a mean thing to say, but my parents raised me wrong. My mom gave me way too much importance as a kid and I was very popular in middle school / early high school. This led me to have a lot of self confidence, but at the same time, I come off as extremely arrogant and self centered to people. Even my teachers used to tell my parents that I was way too proud and sometimes mean. I put a lot of kids down back in the day (I regret it now of course). I used to pick on them based on looks and even called a lot of people stupid, since I always competed for the top or second spot in my class. (In my school we had positions, kids with the highest scores were given first second and third, and I usually came in second).

    I honestly always thought I was just as much of an *** as everyone else, but I never realized how rude I was till I got in college. I would not even respond or talk to people who I thought were boring or not good looking etc etc. And since I was shallow, if I felt like someone was better than me, I'd build a defensive wall around me, acting like an a hole to them too. This led people to put me down so I'd lose my arrogance, but it only hurt my self esteem in the end.

    Now I look back at some of the things I say, and I realize that I often hurt people's feelings, even if it's someone who I liked and am head over heels with (especially ladies) :wtc:. So I ended up being all alone. (Sort of, I mean I have ppl who I hang out with, but it's not the same, I have no extremely close friends anymore)

    It all came to me when one time I heard a girl talking to my room mates, and telling them that I was very arrogant and she wasn't sure what my problem was. On the other hand I always thought I was very friendly, I always used to fold her laundry downstairs and never acted rude to her. At that point I started acting nice and I came off as very fake, it led me to have depression etc etc.

    Now lately I have noticed how fond of people I get if I realize that they have a very good personality and are very friendly. A nurse for example, totally blew me away by her confidence and her openness. She was average at best, but it attracted me to her like a magnet, I couldn't help but want to be just like her. So here is my question. How exactly can a man be nice and friendlier to people?, without coming off as a fake. Now I can be shallow sometimes, but I am slowly working on it, and I think I have came a long way. But are there any specific tips which could help me? Like is it best to give a fake smile to someone you completely don't know? or is it ok to just act normal, instead of smiling. But I have strong features so I look very serious unless I smile.:squint: Lately, I crack or joke or two at start to ease up the tension, but sometimes I can't think of any:hs:.
     
  2. rockstar b

    rockstar b no OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2007
    Messages:
    4,869
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Athens, Georgia
    I would say you should start being as empathetic as possible. Try to understand where other people are coming from. If someone says "Hello," to you with a fake smile, then perhaps they are just looking for that in return. If someone seems genuinely interested in you, then they probably are, and maybe you should respond to that with honesty.

    I can compare it to customers who come into my place of business. Sometimes, customers want strict professionalism. In those instances, I keep up my "professional" facade, even though it's not really a facade, it's just me using professional language and responding politely and intelligently. It's not "fake" per say, but I wouldn't converse that way with friends. Other times, customers just want to skip all of that and, frankly, just bullshit with you like a normal person. Then I drop the professional facade and just talk to them in normal language about everyday subjects not relating to business.

    It's a case by case basis I can determine rather quickly just by listening to how they approach me, the words they use, body language, etc. I would advise that you listen to what people are saying and how they are saying it. Then, understand why they are saying it and apply it to your environment. In other words, be empathetic. If a customer says, "Hello, I need an estimate for this, and please fax it to this number. Also, what do I do next?" I would probably be very professional, do like they ask, and advise them appropriately. If a customer says, "You wouldn't believe the stupid shit I just went through with this asshole," then I can respond differently. Once you figure those things out, then you can formulate appropriate responses.

    Fake smiles are okay in certain situations, even expected. You don't have to crack jokes. A polite "Hello, how are you doing today?" or another open-ended question can do wonders on determining how you respond.
     
  3. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2008
    Messages:
    9,447
    Likes Received:
    0
    You should really try to think more before you speak and imagine how what you are about to say can be taken the wrong way. If you try hard to think about how your actions and words will affect other people eventually you wont need to think about it as much and it'll come naturally to you. Really being aware of your affect on other people will help you to know where to draw the line.

    I myself tend to come off as acerbic but I do try to gauge how much a person can take by talking to them and respond accordingly.

    As far as looking serious maybe you can try looking in the mirror and come up with ways to make your face look more relaxed. I have the same problem of looking more stern than I mean to but I can manage to look at least placid rather than serious.
     
  4. crunchy_black

    crunchy_black OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2005
    Messages:
    3,747
    Likes Received:
    0
    You're on the right path... since you have identified the problem and want to change, you slowly will
     
  5. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,615
    Likes Received:
    179
    Location:
    Dingoland
    Start sharing yourself with people. Let your walls down and share with people how you are feeling. This will allow them to see that you aren't perfect and that you have flaws and maybe they can help or support you.

    If you're having a bad day, maybe share it with someone even if it is a stranger :dunno: I don't know really. But at the moment I am guessing that you come across as in control, perfect, and indestructible. People want to know you are human just like them and then they can identify with you
     
  6. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Talk about them. Ask about them. Pretend to care about them and their lives, until you start to internalize it.
     

Share This Page