SRS Homesickness

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by kiri, Nov 17, 2008.

  1. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    I moved away from my hometown about 4 months ago, and I am terribly, miserably homesick. I grew up and went to school in Ann Arbor, MI which I genuinely believe is one of the best towns in the country. I moved to Asheville, NC so I could move in with my boyfriend and we could get jobs, and while I do like it here, I find myself constantly seeking things that remind me of home and very often getting emotional and crying over being homesick.

    All of this has been made harder because my parents actually moved away from AA (to LA) only about a month after I did. I thought our house would be there for a while at least, but they found a buyer almost immediately (who is ripping them off, but the market is so bad so they have to). So now even if I want to visit AA, I won't have a "home" there. I miss my family as well, and because of my new job I can't see them over the holidays. My boyfriend's family is coming here over Christmas, and I'm worried that will just make me miss my family (and home) more. I don't want to be an emotional mess during the holidays.

    I have been here for four months. When will this stop? In my head it feels like this is just a vacation, and I'll be going back to Ann Arbor soon. I really want to adjust and I feel like I'm trying, but at the same time my emotions about this are completely out of my control. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? What worked for you? Thanks for reading.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :hug:

    I really think if you moved to a town you thoroughly enjoyed you wouldn't be as homesick. Asheville is really different from Ann Arbor and maybe you honestly need to be in a place at least similar. I miss San Diego all the time but at least Tampa is similar in terms of weather and beach so it makes me happy. I hope you wont be a mess when his family comes over but I feel for you because I have to choose my bf's parents this Thanksgiving over my parents and even that upsets me.

    When I initially moved away from college I felt the same way for a few months, but making tons of friends pulled me out of that funk. Have you and the boyfriend made any friends yet? If not I really think that is what's hurting you. You really not might ever like Asheville and that's fine, you guys can always move again...but it's worth a real shot.
     
  3. BwanaKuu

    BwanaKuu New Member

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    I know I felt very homesick at first in college (even made a post about it here). I eventually got over it and now I love it here. I still love being back home (gone home a few times since it's only an hour away) but I'm comfortable in both places. It's a very good balance. I'm not sure how I would react if I was farther away. :hs: I still keep in touch by texting :)mamoru:) my mom basically everyday and calling both of my parents once a week. I've noticed that with other guys as well up here, at least the ones who actually care about their parents.

    You said that you keep looking for things that remind you of home. Stop doing that. You need to carve out a new life in your new location. It's fine to keep in touch with old friends and such, but you are living in a new place. You'll need to adapt to it.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd: Move to Tampa kiri :mamoru: We'll gladly take you here.
     
  5. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    thanks for the replies!

    no, we haven't made many friends yet, i know that's part of the problem. i have a few work friends and so does he, but we haven't made the "jump" to hanging out IRL :sad2:. it's a lot different/more difficult to make friends out of college.

    i'm here for a year at least... we signed a lease on the apartment and everything. it's weird because sometimes i feel really happy here. i love the scenery and the weather and we've done some fun things, but other times i just feel like all i want is to be back home. it's disconcerting though to not have a definitive "home". ann arbor feels like home, but my parents moved to LA, and technically this apartment is now my home. i guess it was just a lot of change all at once :hs:
     
  6. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    What exactly do you miss about AA? Are there actual things there that you miss or do you just miss the familiarity of it? It sounds like you are just lonely because you haven't made many friends in the new place. Once you meet people and find things to do then you probably will feel a lot better. Have you thought of getting a part time job for the holidays as a way to meet new people?
     
  7. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    i just really miss the town. that includes the familiarity and the people, but i really miss the town itself. i miss walking through neighborhoods to the football games, all my local food places (and food places being open past 8), walking downtown, michigan fans, and the hustle and bustle of a college town.

    i do have a job... i wish i didn't have to work there over the holidays so i could visit my family :hs:
     
  8. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    The first 6 months were the hardest for me. After that, it got much easier. Once I got through the first year, I felt great about moving away. What helped me a lot besides getting a job and people to hang out with was just driving around and figuring out where everything was and how to get around really easily. For whatever reason that made this city feel more familiar and more like my own :hs:
     
  9. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    i feel ya...i know no one down here, and i'm not working yet. it's a very lonely existence.
     
  10. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    no, pcola is home. i moved to south fla.
     
  11. Dr. Mike

    Dr. Mike Guest

    I always feel like this and am tempted to return, but I promise you that you'll adjust and it will get easier as time goes on. There are great things to do in any city, you just have to look for them. I've always lived under the assumption in the back of my head that one day I'll buy a vacation home in Ann Arbor and spend part of my springs and falls there, just because I don't think I could ever truly let go. You can come hang out with me too if you want :o

    But yeah, you'll get over it. Go meet friends outside of Best Buy. Get interactive in community clubs, go outside, go to public events, etc. It makes all the difference ... some of the cooler people I've met in Austin I've met just by chance, sitting next to them on a bus, striking up a conversation waiting in line for coffee, etc. :hs:

    People matter more than places. Remember that.

    ps I can't believe you have 20,000 fucking posts :rofl:
     
  12. Julius

    Julius Guest

    This topic has always confused me. When I first left my family, I was homesick for all of maybe one week. I met up with some of the best people I've known and things kind of took flight after that. I went into a job that placed me around a lot of people. But then again, my family and friends moved from my hometown, which in turn made it a lot less sentimental.
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    The difference is that you made friends in your new town right away, that is very obviously the largest problem in kiri's situaiton.
     
  14. Julius

    Julius Guest

    I know, I don't know what the hell I was going on about :o
     
  15. Asherman

    Asherman New Member

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    What is homesickness?

    The symptoms seem to be a wistful longing for a place or situation that once existed. In extreme cases, depression can result that in turn leads to more focus on the perceived loss of place and relationship(s). Treating the symptoms may provide some temporary relief, but it's better, in my opinion to tackle the problem head on.

    What is most fundamental about 'home sickness'? It is the attachment to a perceived past, and what is currently beyond the grasp of the individual. Let go of the past, and the problem no longer exists. Easier said than done.

    Why is it that people are reluctant to let go of the past? We know in our bones that the past is gone and can not be called back. The present moment is fleeting, a bead sliding down a taut string leaving the past behind and never quite reaching the future. We are caught eternally between two abstractions, the past and the future. Only the moment exists, and even it has no more dimension that a mathematical zero. That's not a comfortable realization for most folks, and is even counter-intuitive for many.

    "I remember!" "I'll avoid being burned if ...." These two poles, remembered past and anticipated future are the basis for living in the world. We learn from the past, and our thoughts, words and action affect what we will experience as the present somewhere 'down the line". Our present is thus a mixture of three elements: The remembered perception of the past, an anticipated future moment(s), and an appreciation of the moment as it is unrelated to either past or future.

    Lets see if we can better understand the hold that the past has on each of us. The past is our schoolroom, and our perception of history (both personal and collectively) is the raw materials from which we make decisions in the hope of creating for ourselves a future that has less suffering and more happiness than our memory of the vanished past. When a child burns its fingers on an open flame, a lesson is learned that touching fire can hurt and hurt/suffering should be avoided if possible. We study the successes and failures of our past seeking to unlock the key to a future with less suffering in it.

    But just how reliable is memory, how "truthful" history? The answer of course is that our own memories are often false. We subconsciously alter what we remember to accentuate some elements of by-gone moments, and de-emphasize others. We "forget" what doesn't fit into our view of what our past actually was. We want to remember a loving, caring family, and so we block out what doesn't fit into that picture. The failings and faults of our parents are overlooked. Abused children rescued from extremely abusive households, often believe that they are loved and cared for, and are carried screaming away from little hells. Thankfully, most children do have a reasonably nurturing family life. BTW, the opposit side of the coin is that some later become convinced that they were abused as children, even though that pretty often is later determined to be a false memory.

    So, we paint a golden aura around that period in our lives where we were cared for, nurtured, and catered to. We paint over the knocks and scrapes of adolescence, and remember the joys of having a "best friend" and the excitement of discovering the large world around us. Our "forever" childhood slips away so quickly that we hardly notice its gone, and then we yearn for it to exist again purged of the problems we've tucked away in the closet of our minds.

    There is a second reason that we become almost obscessed with the past, and that is our anxiety about the future. If our perception of the past is wonderful, then anything less in the future will carry great risk of disappointment and suffering. On the other hand if our recollection of the past is filled with pain and suffering, our anticipation of a worse future can be almost paralzying. These are emotional responses to our preceptions, but then we humans are far more likely to tailor our lives according to emotion than reason.

    The effect of both of the reasons outlined above is to disturb the balance between memory, anticipation, and appreciation of the moment, the only "real" thing that exists for us. Only when we release our attachment to our perception of the past, and our concerns with controlling the future, can we hope to more fully appreciate our present moments.

    Cliffs: Let go of the past, and focus on your present circumstances. Learn from your past, using what youve learned to mitigate the suffering that you, and those around you, will encounter each day. Focus on each moment as fully as you can. Smell the roses, savor the taste of honey. Make each of your mundane daily chores into a meditation on full consciousness, and the product of your labor will improve in quantity, quality, and the satisfaction you derive from the effort. Don't try to save the world from itself, but discipline yourself to think and reason along compassionate lines. Avoid hurting others by careless speech, or spiteful actions, afterall there's already enough suffering in the world withour our addition to the total. Be open to the moment and you will see and experience more than you would have believed possible. Appreciate what you have in each of these vanishing moments, and your memories of the near past will overwhelm those more distant that have been more fully edited by your mind. The attention you pay to each moment now will shift the anticipation of the near future from "dark" to "light", and so you will be less anxious and afraid. Being less anxious and afraid, your thoughts, words and deeds will be less provocative of those perceptions that lead inevitably to greater suffering. Tend to your garden as it is in each moment of your waking, and you will be rewarded with a rich harvest. Dwell on some lost Golden Age, and both your present and future will be dimenished and filled with suffering.
     
  16. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    after I graduated college and moved away to be on my own it took me about a year to get out of the 'funk.' Take that as you will, but all life changing things take time to get used to.
     

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