SRS Homeless family members

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by JudyVu, Nov 10, 2009.

  1. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    Anyone had to deal with that? I'm having to take care of my 61 y/o brother right now. Trying to get him into a VA shelter. Can't kick him to the curb.
     
  2. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    I have a 27 year-old-sister who nearly dies if you leave her on her own. She goes crazy bulimic if she's not watched constantly and she hates working so much, she even started selling herself on the street. So I had to take her in. She still only works 2-4 days/week, 6 hour shifts. I've nearly driven myself crazy trying to get her to work full-time. She's got so many mental issues. Even trying to get those issues addressed is a pain, because I have to keep up with all her appointments and remind her and convince her to go, because she convinces herself out of EVERY SINGLE appointment.
     
  3. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    Yes, mental issues seem to be the pervasive cause of people who can't or won't take care of themselves. She's lucky to have you.
     
  4. D-FENS

    D-FENS New Member

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    My brother isn't homeless but he is awful with money, and I see it as a definite possibility. If he does end up homeless, I've already decided that I will let him live with me for exactly 2 months. When I let him into my house, I'll tell him a date and tell him that if he doesn't move out by 11:59pm that exact day, I'm changing the locks and leaving his stuff in the driveway. I am all for helping family, but when it comes to family, you need to make sure they don't abuse your generosity.
     
  5. crunchy_black

    crunchy_black OT Supporter

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    Yep, people need to learn the hard way.. not just rely on someone when shit happens.
     
  6. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    And what if "the hard way" doesn't work? That's what I'm stuck with now.
     
  7. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Being an alcoholic I know how beneficial tough love can be but tough love does not always work and is not always the best answer for every situation. Unfortunately it also backfires and causes long standing riffs in relationships, some of which never heal.

    I'm not being critical of your choices in how you deal with your brother. In fact, I'm not making any judgments about that situation at all because I'm not there, I don't have all the facts/history and can't possibly know the complexity of that relationship. I'm simply speaking in general terms as "food for thought".

    So back in the 90s I used to work for my brother. He always practiced tough love and it helped me get sober. However, I also saw him apply this tough love philosophy in the most inappropriate of times and it's caused some major problems with all the rest of the family. In fact, I haven't even spoken to him for over a year and it's more like 1.5 years because I'm sick of this tough love bullshit. He's using it as justification for being a fucking bully to the rest of us and it's played out.

    I used to really believe in tough love because of how I was helped by it. However, I've seen and experienced the harm it can cause. When family members have been really down, scared and/or vulnerable, my brother has played the tough love card. He basically says, "get over it", "get your shit together" or "how fucking old are you? Grow up." or some other useless piece of shit saying.

    All this tough love does is cause problems and doesn't help the person heal. He doesn't show any compassion, understanding or even common fucking decency. So I've watched him do this then I've watched my mom approach similar circumstances with the exact opposite approach and she's helped so many people this way.

    People don't need to learn the hard way about anything. The fucking world is hard enough as it is and everyone gets hard lessons in life.

    Hell if one can't be compassionate, forgiving, patient, understanding, loving, kind and all that other shit with their family members, who can they share those good things with? Complete strangers and only around the holiday seasons? Fuck that shit. That's just being hypocritical.

    Tough love is the cause of so much unnecessary, unneeded and unwelcome hardships that I believe it should be seen like a 12 gauge shotgun....it's nice to have but should only be used as a last resort.

    /rant

    Now to address your situation directly, 2 months may not be enough time for everything to work out. I would suggest you seriously consider the possibility that he will still need help after the 2 months is over. If you follow through with your plan and he dies on the street shortly after leaving your house, will you be OK with your decision then? You may be stuck dealing with a lifetime of questions about, "Could I have done more to help?" or "Did I do the right thing?" or "Why was I so insistent on 2 months? Could I have been more open and helpful?" It's a very real possibility because not only are the streets dangerous but they're also depressing.

    Anyways, good luck. I'm honestly not sure how I would deal with similar types of issues in my life.
     
  8. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    It's easy to get caught up in the despair, especially if you're in a bad situation yourself. You could end up looking for support and advice from people who also live on the street, but may be the wrong people to seek advice from. And if your mind isn't right, it's very easy to make more stupid decisions that seem right at the time. Given a better frame of mind and a better environment, it's easier to make the right decisions.
     
  9. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    "Blessed are the meek"
     
  10. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    My brother is now in a VA program that I think will be very beneficial (much more beneficial than laying on a couch all day). He has a semi-private room and shares a bathroom with another semi-private--just like a college dorm. They keep him busy with paperwork and crap, but really, him getting up and out is so important to revitalizing him. He's too ill to work, in my opinion, unless they can find something like mail sorting, but no matter what, it is better for him to be where he is. My sis and I give him about $5 a day to "live" on (and since he smokes, that takes up all of it unless he holds back, which is also good for him). He visited last weekend and received some good winter tops (long sleeved, thick, warm). I'm content with where he is right now. I think he is too, at least for the most part.
     
  11. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    People need people they can rely on the most when shit happens.

    It's hard to feel worthy of help.

    Not being or feeling abandoned by those you love is what makes it easier or even worth carrying on. When things are the other way around ... homelessness just seems like a punishment one is supposed to concede to.

    Not that tough love isn't sometimes the help people need - it's just that feeling that the most important people in one's life are actually willing to invest themselves in helping solve the problems that feel completely insurmountable that truly yields the biggest result.
     
  12. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    The loss of tribal living is a large reason for homelessness. No one takes care of family anymore. Some people use tough love as an excuse not to help. Those people suck.
     
  13. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    :h5:
     
  14. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :werd:
    I totally thought you were going to kick your bro to the curb. I'm glad you didn't...gives me hope for humanity. :bigthumb:
     
  15. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    can't help those that won't help themselves
     
  16. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    That's just a saying.

    There are many circumstances where BS like that simply does not apply. People get hit repeatedly with problem after problem ... some of them simply don't get a break & are fucked before they can even think about what's happening to them.

    Have you ever seen anyone get fucked into homelessness before? It almost happened to me & it happened to my bf's bro. California registration/smog laws were the catalyst for each, believe it or not.
     
  17. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    yep. People who are incapable of helping themselves in the present can possibly help themselves later if given the help and support they need.
     
  18. DubyaS6

    DubyaS6 New Member

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    I think every person is different. Some people will benefit from "tough love" and some will not.

    I also believe that you cannot help someone that will not help themselves to a certain extent. If you offer someone help to get out of a situation, once they are out of it they have 2 choices:

    1. Learn from the mistake and help themselves
    2. Go right back into the situation you just helped them out of

    #2 just leads you right back to the beginning. I refuse to help these people more than once, maybe twice, because there is nothing more you can do.

    Hopefully your brother will be #1.
     
  19. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    This is interesting. I've never heard of such a thing....care to explain further?
     
  20. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Unfortunately too many people in the world today just don't see things the same way as you. I too have provided a place to sleep for friends/family members that needed it and thankfully I haven't ever had to ask for this help. I hope I never do.

    Tough love is too often the first response and it's used in too many circumstances to justify selfish behavior from loved ones that simply don't want to get involved. I do agree that there are times when it's necessary but IMO these are very few and far between assuming that alcoholism and/or drug addiction are not present.
     
  21. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    how is this an example of one who can't help oneself?
     
  22. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    If you have a vehicle that won't pass smog you can not register your car. This means obtaining an extension and spending money at the mechanic to fix what THEY call a problem. When I say a car won't pass smog it doesn't necessarily mean that the vehicle exceeds emissions standards. An intermittent problem such as a piston misfire can mean A: Check engine light comes on during test & automatically fails & B: Your mechanic might not be able to replicate & repair the problem.

    In my case I did have a good job and had worked on my credit so I qualified for a loan with a low rate & got a new (used) car. Unfortunately treatment for my health problem backfired & I was no longer able to afford all of the expenses. :(

    I was fortunate enough to have a bf who was willing to have me move in with him. His bro wasn't so lucky. He was working overtime to cover all the expenses but it came to the point where he couldn't afford a place any longer. He's still working, but kinda lives between couch surfing & his car trying to pay shit off.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2009
  23. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    One who is so overladen with problems to solve that they can't work on all of them at once. Some issues require all of one's attention and bar progress in other areas.

    Mental illness
    Physical illness
    Debilitating injury
    Financial crisis
    Natural disasters
    Victims of theft/other crimes

    Not everyone automatically possesses the knowledge required to effectively overcome challenges. Trial and error often times results in more error than not. There is no pamphlet or welcome wagon that will educate one about all the available resources. Despite the best of efforts, it is possible to make all the wrong choices. That is a circumstance where someone is trying to help themselves but not succeeding.

    I don't know any one person who has refused to help themselves. It's not every day you run into someone who is in serious dire straits, though. Most of us tend to avoid people who are struggling because it's stressful and contradicts our own affirmations about our own successes.
     
  24. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    Well, my brother now has a room at the VA section of the Salvation Army. He is getting the medical care he needs. My sister and I send him money for incidentals.

    Oh, wait. I see that I have already posted about this!
     

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