SRS Holy shit..i figured out my problem.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Godspeed, Jun 4, 2005.

  1. Godspeed

    Godspeed New Member

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    For a long time, i've been in a constant depressed mode with a few up and downs. Just a few months ago, i went through a major down where things were just horribly bad. One of the things was that i kinda lost my friends. Last summer, things were cool. We had fun, partied, hung out all the time, etc. Even though things were good, i felt a little depressed still.

    See, in my head, i thought if i was home by myself at night and not with my friends, i was a loser. I felt that in order to be happy, i needed to be accepted and a part of a cool bunch of people and have a good time with them.

    Well things got bad and i sorta got replaced in the group of people i hung out with. I would sit at home on some friday/saturday nights and just feel like shit. Like i was missing out on something big and my life was passing me by! I felt like no one liked me, i didn't have any friends, etc. And because of all this, i felt like i was a loser. I was lonely, having all sorts of problems in my life, and now this. This all came together to make me very depressed. I constantly asked myself "What's your problem?" and i'd imagine all the fun they were having while i just sat at home.

    Well one day i call up the old guys and they invited to a party. I said sure thinking it would be like old times. I went to the party and i hated it. People got on my nerves, i wanted to leave, etc etc. I spent most of the party, talking to just one or two friends and staying away from the big crowd.

    Now i'm really confused as my whole world is now upside down. This is what i wanted right? I wanted to be back with my old buds and now that i was, something didn't feel right. I spent the next two weeks feeling disillusioned and just confused. I still felt that i needed to be with people but i remember how i felt when i was with them so i was at a crossroads.

    Fast foward to yesterday and i read an article in Sports Illustrated about Randy Moss and about how even though people think he's a thug gangsta, go crazy, cause trouble, etc. but in actuality, he's a very "alone and peaceful" kind of guy. He lives in a gated subdivision in florida where everyone there are a bunch of old retirees. He lives by himself in a small house with little furniture and with his expensive sports car gathering dust. The article explains in detail why he lives this way and talks a little more about his surroundings. Moss says that he doesn't need people. People just make things complicated in his life and he's happy by himself. He says his favorite thing to do is to go outside into his backyard where there is a small pond and fish.

    At the end of the article, Moss is fishing and the writer asks what his top 5 moments. Moss ranks a bunch of things like his first child being born, blah blah blah, and he ranks that moment, him fishing with the writer, as his #5 top moment. I thought the article was really cool and it kind of showed me that it's ok to be by yourself and not have to be surrounded by people who like you to be happy. But this didn't dawn on me until this morning. I was, for some odd reason, feeling really excited. I was just excited to be awake and alive. I was happy. I went downstairs to go to my car to load up my music stuff and my dad stops me and says

    "Where are you going?"
    I say "I'm loading up my car to go to Johns house."
    He says "Oh. I thought you were moving out or something. HaHa!"

    I got really annoyed by this for some reason and started feeling stressed while i continued loading up my car. It then dawned on me that PEOPLE are the reason i feel depressed! It's not me! It's people! This whole time i had "The grass is always greener on the otherside" attitude and that i need to be with people and that is wasn't ok to be by yourself. So i fought as hard as i could to accepted and liked and any and all expense.

    And that was my problem.

    I had been fighting for years to get something that was killing me all along. It is ok to be by yourself. It is ok to be home alone on a friday night. And i realized that's what i want! That's what makes me happy. I don't like people as much as i thought i did. I just want to be alone and enjoy my own company. I want to live in a quiet house by myself, listen to music, play my instruments, read my books, occupy my time by myself. All i need is my family and a few friends to keep in touch with every now and then. maybe a gf in the future :o

    I once talked to a guy who was a president of an organization that was in tatters. It was going down and was really close to death. When he became the leader of the organization, he completely turned it around. Not only did the organization improve, but it reached a goal that the organization was trying to reach for years.

    I asked him, "How did you do it? How did you fix everything?"
    He thought for a second and said, "I had to believe. I had to believe that everything about the organization was perfect and the only thing wrong with it was the people. If i could fix the people, the organization would work."

    And he did. He motivated the peole to work and the organization grew. And its true in life. Life is perfect. The world is perfect. The only thing wrong with it are people. I feel better now :bigthumb:
     
  2. That's terrific man. You've discovered that you're an introvert! I'm an extrovert with introverted tendencies. This means I "need" to be with other people in order to be energized, and healthy, but I also need some serious isolation sometimes too, so I can work my relationship with God, myself - and privately think without the world, or it's people trying to define me and dictate who I am and who I ought to be.
     
  3. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    i'm not tryin to bash you in any way, but i am exactly the same as you. people annoy me and i'm normally happy by myself working on my car or whatnot. It sounds to me like you and i both have manic depression. a condition where your happy, sad, happy, sad....etc. Since you cut yourself off from your friends you need to learn to resociolize. going to one party and realizing your not having fun doesn't make you an introvert right off the bat. i'm sorry if you think you found the solution, but you sound young and i just don't want another person like me to live their life in regret. trust me that your blind to the facts that i'm trying to show you. at least TRY to get involved again with other people....and getting a girlfriend would also help, i'm currently alone too....trust me it's not a great life.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Exellent post.

    A true winner believes in himself.

    And it is people who put darkness and hatred, or love and light into your life. Or vice versa.

    I think that's the conclusion of this story.
     
  5. Godspeed

    Godspeed New Member

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    Thanks for your input. Thanks everyone for their input. I see what you're saying and i agree. Maybe that one scenario doesn't mean i'm a straight up introvert. I still like to talk and hang with people. Like tonight, i went and hung out with my brother, his gf, and an old friend. we had dinner and it was cool. I don't want to cut off everyone in my life and live in a hole from now on but i do think that i'm more of a "by myself" kind of person in regards to most of my free time. I still feel like hanging out with people but also sometimes when im with people, i'll be hanging out for a bit then i think "Ok, i'm ready to go." and then i feel the need to get up and get away.

    :dunno: maybe there's something deeper here. I dont know. But i do feel like i've taken a step in the right direction as i've stopped fighting with myself over it. Atleast for now....
     
  6. deathbystereo

    deathbystereo New Member

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    i also identify to what you are saying. except i stoped hanging out with friends because I was the one always calling them to hang out. So it felt like i was the only one putting work into our friendships. When i found out most of them hung out without me depressed the shit out of me.

    now i've kinda realized that when i hang out with them we rarely do anything. sit around and watch tv, wonder what to do. So lately i've been doing what i want. skateboarding, riding my bike, listening to music, reading. And i've learned to be happier with myself.


    you know i start to wonder if how many people in the world actual think about simple yet complex things such as being happy with yourself. I look at the random people i see and they seem like robots, without thoughts and feelings.
     
  7. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    they most likely see you as the same way. It does seem at times that the majority of people have fallen victim to pursue the most modern and up to date fashions and technologies. Like everyone needs a cell phone today, it's become a necessity. But i'm sure most people think the same things that we are talking about right now. how they are happy alone, or that it's hard to always keep a good look and talk to as many people as they can. most probably fear being cut off from society. IMO, the smartest people are the ones who do indeed live their lives doing whatever makes them happy and not feeling the need to be with others all the time.
     

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