SRS Hit rock bottom...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by TheHeadGuy, Apr 1, 2005.

  1. TheHeadGuy

    TheHeadGuy Guest

    Hi guys. Just need a place to rant and let some stress out. I think i just hit rock bottom...

    Im 20 years old. I live... or lived at home. I have a felony on my record for drug selling and im on 5 years probation. I got out of jail last November. Im having a very hard time finding a decent job. I dont even have a car and broke as hell.

    My parents are driving me crazy. My dad is kind of better... he doesnt bother me much and is positive about my situation.. but once in a while, when he's in a bad mood... he goes off on me out of the blues. It seems like he's trying to pick a fight with me sometimes.. He would comment on something in the past. Then he would get loud and start yelling. Heres the thing... if you dont talk back.. he'll keep at it.. if you do talk back (obviously yelling back so my voice can be heard from his yelling), he goes "Im your father! You dont yell at me!" and make another situation from that. And seems like when he ran out of things to say.. he would bring up literally EVERYTHING i ever did wrong in the past leading back to high school. I think he is a good person but doesnt know how to deal with his anger. But he is on vacation right now so everything is all good.

    My mom... wow. A total nutcase. She's always been a negative person.. nothing nice ever comes out of her mouth. I try to avoid her as much as possible by rarely coming out of my room and eating dinner really fast to avoid conversation. She is not that bright of a person (not to be mean or anything) Everything about her ticks me off.. from the way she thinks she knows it all (but is inaccurate 80% of the time), try to sound smart from the stupidess things like explain to you how to make a sandwich.. she talks to us like she talks to a 5 year old.. ex: when im downstairs making a sandwich.. she goes up to you and act like you need help. And then she goes into deep details.. ex: take 2 slices of bread out from the bag, place it on the table, go inside the fridge and get some mayo, get a butter knife from the kitchen counter and spread it on both sides of the bread, get some ham out from the fridge, put it in the microwave and heat it for 1-2 minutes, bring it out and place it on the bread evenly, put the top bread... etc. Im not kidding, she does this for everything. When you tell her you got it.. she just rambles on! She exagerates and lies to the family and my dad to either make the story more interesting or make people look bad.. She will assume something and then think its the truth! She thinks the worst of me.. nothing nice ever comes out of her mouth. She would always approach you for no reason.. just stand next to you.. sometimes she pets you like a dog. Then she will ALWAYS say something negative to just wrong.. anything just to ruin my day.. how ugly you are, how you look like shit, how useless you are, sometimes she would complain about something or someone like the dog, my dad, neighbors, etc. Sometimes you would give you this funny looking face (very weird and unusual) and just stare at you for no reason at all.. then she'll say something like damn your ugly. She says she doesnt sleep and worries when i go out.. but i need to go out or else i'll go insane. She sometimes claim she is coughing up blood or going to die.. this have been going on for some time. She would claim its your fault.. or my sisters fault.. or my dads fault just to make someone worry or some shit. She is rude as hell... she NEVER washes her hands, starts to take off her pants before she's in the bathroom, picks her nose, makes these sniffling noises every few seconds, and the thing that gets me boiling all the time.. she would fart out of nowhere.. she would fart when your in a middle of a sentence. She claims she only does this at home when there are no guest around but she does it in public too. Her cooking can be very insanitary. I know i cant eat any chicken she makes or else or i'll get sick an hour later.. i get diarrhea from her food all the time. Yet, its a family thing to get together at dinner.

    I smoke weed in my room sometimes to help me calm down and relax... but i stopped because you can smell it in the house. She claims the smoke is so strong that it gets her high and puke. I really dont know how that can happen.. i put a towel under the door, open the window, put a fan next to the window, etc. My sister doesnt complain or she doesnt smell it. Shes been going on and on weeks about it. I dont know where she gets the information but she "knows" it cost $3000 for weed, its highly addictive, you die from it, you can overdose, it and it ruins your appetite. Since i got out of jail, my appetite shot down.. i went from 160 to 140. I think its due to depression. I just dont feel hungry.. weed helps with that a little. I also have some pretty bad insomnia.. i usually drink a beer or roll up a blunt at night to help me fall asleep sometimes.

    I went off a few nights ago. I just lost it... I was on the computer late at night and she approaches me.. she stood there for a while.. then she does that strange things she does and pets my head and arms like i was a baby. Then she goes,"if your still hungry, go downstairs, go in the fridge..... bla bla bla". I said alright.. and i she left to go to sleep.. Then i went to use the bathroom and i notice my bedroom light was on... she was going through my things and found a ashtray in my desk. I told her to get out and she did. She went to sleep.. then out of the blues, she comes out and starts nagging how im going to die, how bad i am, etc.. so i ran in my room and locked the door (this happens a lot).. but she then starts saying shit like... just go kill yourself, go jump off a bridge, go slit your wrist.. and next thing i know.. i was hitting the door. i put a whole in the door and busted up my hand. that was the first time i seriously though about just killing myself. i just sat there for a moment staring at a pair of scissors... then i notice how much my hand hurts and bleeding. I let it bleed for a while just staring at it and all types of things went though my mind. Next thing i know, i was packing up some clothes and just took off. I didnt have anywhere to go.. it was almost midnight. So i walked around for a good 2 hours trying to call some people up with no luck. I walked a good 2 hours and finally reached my friends house. I didnt want to wake his family up so i knocked on his window. I stayed there the night until he had to to go work.. so i just told him to drop me off at the bart station. I didnt know where i was going. Finally, i got a motel room and just chilled there watching TV. I didnt get any sleep at all for 2 days. After that, i just did some more walking with no destination.. just thinking. I was really tired so i went home. I still cant sleep and i am all out of weed. I didnt eat shit either.. im feeling out of it. I just packed up my clothes with nowhere to go but i know.. i have to leave. My mom just approach me but she didnt say much and i just ignored her.. I think its best to be gone for a while.. get some space. I really dont want to hurt her but this while situation at home is really fucking me over. I really want to get some anti depressants but i dont have any health coverage and cant afford them.

    I did a lot of thinking and here is somethings i came up with..
    1. Find a friend that'll let me live there for a while.. pay a little for rent.. find a job.. any job!
    2. Armed Forces BUT i dont think i can with a felony.
    3. Jobcorps

    Any suggestions would greatly be appreciated.
     
  2. LiQuiD_FuSioN

    LiQuiD_FuSioN New Member

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    Judging from the outside in, I guess it's time to leave soon. It's like that over here, I'm 18, finished school, I am thinking of staying home to take some college classes, like 1 or 2 a day. My mom can be cold and then really hot. Has your mom ever shown you affection?

    My mom however, can be really loving and caring. When she's cold, she will just want attention, by picking a fight with me. My dad won't be around for a year, so me and her have to work things out. So, from experience, maybe your mom just wants attention? What made me laugh about your mom, about farting, lol, my mom does the same exact thing, omg. My dad and mom overall are very loving parents, I guess they are still pissed at what you've done, not to be mean.

    Anyway, I think it's just time to move in, maybe with other family or a friend. Or maybe try and reconcile with your parents, somehow, let them now what's up. I wish you luck.
     
  3. LiQuiD_FuSioN

    LiQuiD_FuSioN New Member

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    haha, after posting that (at 3 am) my mom all of a sudden shouts down the stairs (have no idea in hell, why she got up all of a sudden..) "that's it! no more internet. ya assho" wow, nice mom huh? what a bitch sometimes, ffs.
     
  4. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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  5. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Above all...resist the temptation to go back selling drugs no matter how hard the family or job situation turns out to be. There is a way out of this....you just need to want it bad enough to find it.
     
  6. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    What happened to my empathy? I don't care about this guy's problems. :(
     
  7. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    Structure is good for you. The thing with depression and things of that nature are is that they spiral out of control when you dwell on them. So the key is to just not give yourself time to dwell by keeping busy. Get a job, find a place to live, and move on with your life. If you haven't found a job yet, then you haven't looked hard enough. You got dealt a shitty hand, so you need to play it out the best you can.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Unfortunatly Militairy won't solve your problems.

    Besides i have a better solution then killing yourself , read this near-death experience
    and inform yourself about the ripple effect then tell me what you think about it

    http://www.near-death.com/forum/nde/000/93.html
     
  9. TheHeadGuy

    TheHeadGuy Guest

    thanx guys.. im still at the motel..
     
  10. veonake

    veonake OnT poster, OT lurker

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    No, this is not what he needs. Ugh.

    The military could in fact help. How could you possibly say it definitively will not help his problems? A lot of people find order in their lives through the military. It provides a steady paycheck, good benifits, and the ability to move up in the world. Not to mention it will pay for your education, or at least help out. As an added bonus, you get to see the world. I would not discount the military as a viable option. I wouldn't go into the army though.
     
  11. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Why are you people so fond of Militairy? I think militairy propaganda has gotten to you, for all it has to offer is for you to return into a body bag with your parents crying over you. :ugh2: Therefore i am sticking with my advice, don't go to the militairy, and focus on bringing the positive ripple effect on others as described in the near death experience i showed you. :wavey:
     
  12. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    not everyone that joins the military gets shipped overseas.
     
  13. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    omg you don't get my point, what i am saying is that this person won't be better off when he gets killed. Lets try peacefull solutions first , here.
     
  14. HoodRich

    HoodRich Professional Street Nigga OT Supporter

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    the military is a much better choice than drowning yourself in a fairy tale world of gods and demons and other such nonsense
     
  15. veonake

    veonake OnT poster, OT lurker

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    Or maybe you know very little about the military and somehow conned yourself into believing that everyone that is in the military ends up KIA. My dad was in the Navy and I've had friends who parents were in the military, and grandparents were in the military. No one I know or there relatives were killed in the military.

    The military certainly as a lot more to offer than a chance of getting killed. Before I decided on UCSB I thought about joining the Naval Academy to become an officer. Once you serve some time in the military, especially as an officer, you are a good candidate for a lot of employers. They know you can take orders, are disciplined, and are capable. Stop running your mouth with anti-military and metaphysical unscientific garbage. It isn't helping this guy.
     
  16. TheHeadGuy

    TheHeadGuy Guest

    i dont really care if i die.. besides, its a pretty slim chance.. sure there are soldiers dying but nothing compared to the past. im going to look into the air force when i get the chance.
     
  17. TheHeadGuy

    TheHeadGuy Guest

    I came back home this morning. The only thing my mom said was "why didnt you call to tell me your on vacation?" and acted like nothing happened. She is leaving me alone... at least for now. I really dont want to talk to her for a while. I still got a whole in my door that i punched out. I took a good look at it today. Its wooden and hollow inside and only one side got punched in.. the pieces are still there, just a big crack.. anyone know how to fix this for cheap before my dad comes back? Any help would be appreciated. You guys have been great.
     
  18. veonake

    veonake OnT poster, OT lurker

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    It's not like it's drywall, so it really can't be easily patched like a wall would. If I were you, I would put a large poster over it for now, and then replace the door with your own money and then tell your dad what happened. Hopefully he will be glad you took responsibility and went ahead and fixed it on your own dime.
     
  19. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Sounds like you're open to changing yourself for the better. Good on you! :bigthumb:

    The military may be a good or bad choice depending on your temperament. On the positive side, it can provide rigid structure for your life and if you know how to use this to your advantage (ie. becoming more disciplined in your personality) then this will be a good choice. It will not be a good choice if you are more sensitive and dreamy than you are logical. There's nothing wrong with being this way, but the military is very much about procedure and protocol and if you can't take orders from someone and carry them out perfectly then it's not for you.

    It worked for my brother. He chose to join the Navy without prompting or suggestion from his friends or family, and he's done really well for himself there. (He cleans my stove when he visits, lol!) In Canada, you can join full-time for contracts as short as three years and they will educate you AND pay you full-time wages. Or you can choose to join the reserves. US military will be different; book an appointment with your local recruitment office and they will be happy to answer any questions you have, especially those pertaining to your drug history. Also, be prepared to have credible references as to your character if you choose to apply. Family won't count.

    You need to get out of the house no matter what you decide to do. Make sure that if you live with friends, you choose ones who are going to support your changes in a positive direction and help you resist dealing/using drugs and other bad personal habits. Good luck! :)
     
  20. *Ambiorix*

    *Ambiorix* New Member

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    Your mom sounds like an instigator. She doenst sound very caring towards you. I would leave. I would do the military for many reasons.

    1) best shape of your life

    2) if you save your money right(you dont get much in the service) but when you get discharged you are eligble for a VA home loan. WHich means hte VA will help you buy your own house.

    3) it will look good for you if served and get an honorable discharge.

    4) VA benefits, health coverage, etc etc.



    I may be biased though since Im former military myself. But I liked the structure and discipline and experiance.
     
  21. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Don't worry, it's fully intact. There's only so much to go around so no need to squander it on the unreceptive.
     
  22. TheHeadGuy

    TheHeadGuy Guest

    I think she cares about me.. well i dont know. sometimes i wonder if she really does or not. She can say some pretty nasty things. She called my Dad on the phone today. She sounded hella sad all of a sudden.. she didnt sound sad before. Then she made me get on the phone with my Dad. I explain my sitiuation and he just told me to ignore her and dont take it to the heart. He then told me i was stressing my Mom up too much and i should stop. If she was stressing, how come she didnt stop me from running out? Or call me within the last few days when i was gone? She probably told him she was coughing up blood or sick or something.. which she lies about all the time. I heard her say something about me smoking weed in my room and the smoke is so bad it has got to her... she claimed its a drunk feeling, loss of appetite, and sleeplessness.. WTF? I havent been home the last few days and she told me it was from few days ago and she still feels drunk and drowsy.. its weird because nobody else complains or smells it and her room isnt even connected at all to mine. And even if she does smell it.. there is no way she can get high off it. What pisses me off was she was eave dropping in the hallway while me and my dad talked.. i could hear that annoying sniffle of hers.

    She claim that shes dying many times in the past... back to my childhood days. One time when i was very young, she ate something wrong and told me shes going to die tomorrow... that really fucked me up till this day. As a kid, i serious though it was true. Thats when i actually trusted my Mom. When she and my dad fights.. she will sometimes say something like shes going to kill herself. She doesnt like dogs so when my sister brought her dog home.. she claimed she cant breathe and is sufficating from the dog hair. She exxagerates to get her way.

    When i was young, i was fixing my bike in the garage and there were tools everywhere. She tells me to clean it up and i told her later.. She nagged and nagged. I went to a friends house to get something real quick and my Dad comes home... he fell on the job and came home early. When i got back.. my Mom told me my Dad has just tripped and fell on all my tools and hurt himself because of me. I hid in my room all night just :ugh: .

    She has no shame.. if she knows she did wrong.. she just laughs like crazy and denies it. Growing up, i had saw her steal all the time. She takes joy from it i think. I remember when i went with her to a market and she gave me this bag.. i ask her, whats this? and she said its already been paid for.. go outside and i'll wait for you outside. Being the stupid little kid like i was i waited for her outside with the bag. Someone approach me and said i didnt pay for that. So i went inside to find my mom and she denied having me go outside with it. I felt really bad. She tells us stealing is wrong but i see her do it all the time.

    She claims our family is poor and cant afford this and that but we're not. Were doing pretty well off. She is so cheap too. She obsesses about money. She told us turning on the heat gives her bad migraines so we cant have the heat on at any time. Even when its freezing cold.

    I could go on and on but i wont.. there are more VERY messed up things she done but i rather not have the whole world know it.

    I dont know right now. She is my Mom. I dont know. I care for her a lot, I worry about her, I dont love her, and i can hate her guts sometimes. I think she cares about me or at least act like it sometimes.. she's nice sometimes and gives me money when i need it. Im just confused.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2005
  23. shankems2000

    shankems2000 If you read everybody's user text and location, yo

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    Where you fraid ta be at.
    Damn, that's some situation you're in. It seems like your mom wants attention and has deep rooted emotional issues of her own that would have her doing the things she's doing. Cursing you out all the time and telling you to kill yourself and CRAZY shit like that makes me think she is depressed and maybe suicidal herself.

    I guess the military would be a good thing for you, although I don't advocate the military it may be a good way to get out and better yourself.

    DO NOT GO TO JOBCORE!!!! I have heard so many fucking HORROR stories about that place it's crazy. Those commercials with people smiling and laughing are bullshit, I know every location isn't the same but from what I've heard it's not the best place to be.

    I don't know about the living with a friend thing. That can become stressful, I mean if the person isn't fully empathetic with your situation. I think it would be best for you to do whatever it is you need to do by yourself.

    If you can't get into the Airforce or other military branch that you're thinking about because of that felony, then I think that you may have no other choice but to stay with your parents, get ANY job as you mentioned, save up and then go to college. You can sign up for financial aid and get the fuck away from your mother and all the problems she is/has caused you. And you'll be pursuing a degree and hopefully will end up getting a good job and getting a new LIFE!!

    Good luck man, I hope I've helped.
     
  24. TheHeadGuy

    TheHeadGuy Guest

    So Im researching on starting a detailing business. I havent smoked in the last week.

    Its 11pm.. I usually fall asleep at 10pm after i smoke a blunt. Weed really calms me down and makes my insonmia go away. But i havent smoked in almost a week so its coming back.

    Just right now, my mom comes out of her room for no apparent reason. She goes "why arent you asleep yet?". I tell her I cant sleep and its only 11. So she makes that retarted face again and goes.. "thats because you smoked again huh!" :squint: She then looks around and ask if i've been taking things apart. ??? My wireless adapter didnt work this afternoon so i took the computer apart to see whats wrong and fixed it... She was complaining i might break it. Now shes bitching that im taking everything apart? So i took the screwdriver that was still sitting on the desk and threw it in the thrash can. She walks away bitching. Then she goes in my room seeing if it smells like smoke.. which it doesnt. :ugh2:

    I swear.. she accuses me of the strangest things or the first thing that pops in her little mind! She thinks im smoking to stay awake... She thinks im taking everything apart.. And she keeps asking why i seem so busy.. i tell her, im researching about detailing cars but she just doesnt care.

    I really need to smoke a bowl or get some beer or something before i freak!
     
  25. jeff2577

    jeff2577 OT OG

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    Are you still outside that hospice in Florida?

    What you don't get, his family life is crap. No Jeebus is going to help that. He needs to get out of the house period. Military provides him with food, shelter, pay, medical benifits, and a better family than what he has now.


    Only bad thing is you will need a waiver with the felony conviction.
     

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