SRS Hey guys

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by leeheat, Mar 6, 2010.

  1. leeheat

    leeheat New Member

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    Well, this is taking more effort than I thought it would, trying to spit all this out.. I used to be a member here back a couple years ago, think I registered here in '07, of course my account got pruned but that's here nor there.. I lost everything to addiction :wtc:

    Early in '08, I started hanging out with a couple guys, one thing lead to another and we started doing some coke and ecstasy here and there.. It wasn't anything knew, I had done it before quite a bit, but these guys were selling this stuff, and since we had become pretty close friends, they'd just give me stuff, no charge.. Well, within a month or two, things really had gone south.. We were doing a lot of coke, lots of pills, hardly sleeping, partying non stop, I got fired from my job.. It was really taking its toll on my life and body.. This is what saved me, actually.

    One night, we were all going to go out to some party but I got really sick from lack of sleep, lack of food, my body felt like it was shutting down.. I can still feel it. Well, I told them have a good time and I went to bed and slept something like 14 hours. Woke up in the afternoon the next day, checked my cell and there were about 15 missed calls and lots of texts informing me my buddies got arrested for trafficking and they ended up going away for a long time.

    Well this is when everything began to self destruct, without them, there were no more freebies, which meant it all had to be paid for.. It sure didn't take long for everything to be pawned and me to be homeless, kind of hard to remember anything from there on, just kind of go into survival mode and all that matters is finding your next fix, even if you have to sleep outside and go hungry. By this point, I had lost contact with all friends, and family, myself too.. I was like a robot.. So fucked up to think about now.

    Then, I overdosed in the spring of '09 on rock, my whole life flashed before my eyes, by far scariest experience I've ever had.. I saw my whole childhood go by, high school, girlfriends, family, all the happiness, then blank, silence, I remember it as clear as yesterday, utter silence, dark, no feeling or anything for what felt like an eternity, then I woke up in the hospital, shaking and gasping for air.

    I've now been clean ten months in a three days, I'm starting to feel happy, life is feeling worthwhile again, I'm finally starting to feel human..

    I'm very sorry about the length, I tried to cut it down as much as I could, and it's kinda sketchy for detail because it's so hard to think about.. I need all the support I can get.. And holy I'm glad to have my OT fix back, its a far better addiction :bowdown:
     
  2. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    Glad you're back. Sounds like you almost didn't make it.

    What are you going to do different?
     
  3. leeheat

    leeheat New Member

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    Thank you, very much

    And my biggest things right now are keeping myself around people who're good influences, and supportive. Definitely don't want to get back into the crowd I was with. I've also really been trying to keep myself busy, I've been trying to immerse myself in work, going to NA meetings, thinking about signing up for some classes.. I've also been working on settling stuff from my past that was really tough for me, and I had just kind of bottled up, not dealt with or ignored. It's a long road ahead, but damn, I'm glad to be moving forward again. :hsd:
     
  4. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Congrats and welcome back. You don't need to apologize for the length....it's a good read. It's amazing how close you came to almost going away for a really long time. I'm surprised the cops didn't contact you and try to get you to testify against your friends.

    You never have to go back to that lifestyle again, unless you want to. There is help, there is hope and life is worth living. I'm glad you're going to NA meetings and I hope you keep doing so and work the steps to the best of your ability. Try to be nice to yourself from time to time but that doesn't mean that you stop doing what got you this far.

    Hang in there....sometimes it takes awhile to straighten out the wreckage of our past but it can be done and you can live happy, joyous and free.
     
  5. leeheat

    leeheat New Member

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    Thank you, and yeah I think what really helped is that the cops hadn't really caught on to any of us, and we were paranoid of being caught so therefore we didn't use cellphones, and so there wasn't much tying us together if one got caught. So truly thankful each and every day that I was so sick that night that I went to bed rather than go out. After they got caught I was pretty paranoid too, and laid very low for quite a while.

    I still crave really bad some days, get lots of things that trigger it, and occasionally get flashbacks in dreams. When things get really bad, which when I first got clean, was quite often, I called people that agreed to help me, and had them remind me of how bad things were, homeless and hopeless plus nearly dying, and it really helped.

    The meetings have really helped, it's nice to talk to people and know that you aren't the only one and that you can have so much support. I wish I had started going earlier on while I was getting clean, rather than a month into getting clean, but later is better than never. And I plan on attending these meetings for a long time to come.

    Thank you for the kind reply, and i killed tupac, thank you for posting some very interesting reading here.
     
  6. leeheat

    leeheat New Member

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    Sorry if some of my posts are kind of oddly put together, it's a lot to process, not really accustomed to putting all this out on the internet just yet, but with every post its getting easier
     
  7. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    don't do that yet, you arent ready. work the steps, you'll get there
     
  8. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    No apology necessary...just keep on posting.
     
  9. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :werd:
    Yeah I've seen a lot of people get into trouble trying to do too much too soon. Be sure and work the steps with a sponsor....it makes all the difference in the world.
     
  10. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    This is why the fellowship of the meetings is so important. When you really need to talk to someone that has "Been there, done that" it helps if you have friends in the program. Non-program friends are great to help remind us of what it was like but program friends help us to remember what to do so we don't have to drink and/or use again.
    Yeah that feeling that we're not alone is awesome. There's a line from the AA big book that says, "An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature." Meaning when I'm drinking I'm an unlovely creature and man that sure does describe how I felt....I felt like a creature.

    Thankfully the people in the program could accept me, love me, help me and even kick me in the ass sometimes and all of that helped to save my life. It's not easy to kick addiction but there is help. I'm glad you're finding it.
     
  11. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    yup, did it myself.
     

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