SRS Helping SO cope with sick father...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Pen Is Mightier, Oct 16, 2008.

  1. I really have no idea on how to do this. I've never had to before. Either way...my BF's dad is very sick and has a brain cancer. He has weeks to months to live the doctors are saying. :hs: He and his Dad are really close and were always good friends so this kind of announcement of the "inevitable death" has hit him hard and he's just been really depressed these past few days. Sometimes we'll start talking about it and I really don't even know how to respond because no matter what I say the situation still sucks. I've just been extra nice recently, helping him out with little things, all that stuff....

    What can I do? :hs:
     
  2. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    just be supportive. sadly there really is nothing you can do. encourage him to spend as much time with his dad as he possibly can. help that happen by driving to him right now instead of having him drive out to see you. and encourage him to make sure he has said everything to his dad that he wants to. it will help him with the eventual grieving process if he feels that closure of having had a great conversation with his dad and told him how much he loves him.

    if he feels like being distracted, take him out for a fun night and keep him busy and laughing. if he feels sad, just hold him and let him cry.

    its a heartbreaking experience watching someone you love loose someone close to them, but you being there to lean on will be very helpful

    :hug: for both of you
     
  3. energie

    energie I like to place an order.. the name? Situation the

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    just be there for him, but i though i remember you asying his parents were not supportive of you two being gay? Or was it his parents?


    Sorry im just wondering cause u said his father and him are close and was confused from prior information
     
  4. yeah, it was actually his decision to come over here during the week this week because he just felt horrible and i really couldn't ditch out on my classes. :hs:

    this weekend though we're going home (not his school) and staying at his house so he can be with his father.

    it was my parents who are not supportive/liking that i'm gay. his mom is 110% supportive and enjoys when i visit and his dad and him were really close before he came out so they're still really good together...like 90% :o

    it sucks seeing him sad but i can understand why obviously. i guess i'll just try to be as supportive as possible and try to make other things in his life easier for him. :hs:
     
  5. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    i just lost my grandpa to lung cancer. I gave up my job, friends, apartment and I moved in with him 6 months ago when I found out he had lung cancer. he helped raise me so it was really hard losing him. theres honestly nothing you can say that will make it any better, just be there for him as much as you can but let him have his space when he needs it.

    My first reaction was a lot of anger, that lasted for around a week. Normal little things that people would do like cut me off while driving would send me into a rage, i basically walked around looking for a fight. then i guess i kinda realised it was pointless to be mad, the sadness kicked in, felt good to have people around. it was a rocky 5 months but i spent as much time wth him as I could and really dont regret a single minute. when he died I wasnt ready for it, i still cant believe he's gone sometimes but i think i've come to terms with it. its been a month now since he passed and i still think its got me subconciously, i havent been very nice, havent been myself, i dont really do much, just sit infront of the computer all day. I used to race bicycles and ride anywhere from 20-60 miles a day now i dont even want to move.

    i know i would have really liked to have someone there for me outside of family so he's lucky he has you.

    now i'm just feeling kind of lost, what do i do now? where do I go from here? I have no job, no apartment, i'm 30 minutes from my friends, my best friend is getting married and his fiancee doesnt like me so I never see him.

    everyone takes it differently but maybe this will give you something to look for and respond to.
     
  6. Well yeah...that is something I'm glad to know. So I know how to react when he reacts and all of that. :hs: I'm sure it is pretty rough knowing your father is basically going to die. I've never really lost anyone that was so close to me as that though so I don't know how that feels. Hopefully they can do something together this weekend and the following weeks/months and remember them forever.
     
  7. I seriously question how the fuck I am expected to continue living every day.

    I thought I had a lot on my plate two weeks ago. Dealing with coming out, my parents disapproval, paying for school, getting good grades, keeping a social life, having a long distance relationship. Now I have cancer (again), my boyfriend's dad has been determined to be "terminal" and I was just called by my crying little brother (16 years old) saying that our parents told him they are getting divorced. What the fuck is going on in my life. I am beginning to go crazy just trying to live through each and every day. Every single day, literally, something new has been fucking me over and I'm just sick of it. I really do question if there is any kind of God watching over us. If there is, apparently he wants to test me and push me and make me stronger, but damn...you've got to be fucking kidding me.
     
  8. This weekend should be interesting. And by interesting I mean horrible. I'll try to make the best of it. :o
     
  9. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    lol dude, fuck off, no offense but your life is normal, shit happens. sure blame god or blame whoever you want but its a cop out. instead you should be looking for the real reason, the real reason your parents are getting divorced is because they arent in a good marriage and that happens quite frequently, its not to test you.

    it wasnt god who made your dad hate you because you are gay, its his own intollerance probably learned from his parents and the media/peers.

    everyone has to pay for school, everyone who wants to succeed has to get good grades, what the fuck are you bitching about that for.

    now if all these things do end up making you stronger, GREAT, i hope they do, they should, you should learn from them, but to play the woe is me bit is bullshit. billions of people around the world have it way worse than you.
     
  10. The whole theory of "billions of people" have it worse than you is stupid because I don't know what it's like to be them, it's a different world out there and I don't know how it feels to be like them.

    I'd say my life is kind of normal, definitely not normal though. And if bad shit is happening in my opinion, why can't I look here for advice?
     
  11. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    you can look here for advice, but you didnt ask for advice right there, that was some venting and it seemed like a little woe is me why i dont i just die crap.

    and the billions of people thing is not stupid, its called empathy, its what your father lacked and its apparently what you lack. the ability to put yourself in someone elses shoes and see the world through their eyes. some people go a long time without any major hiccups in life but the majority of people out there have problems each and every day.. you arent talking about the good things in your life and why you should be happy about them, stop focusing on the bad, focus on the fact that you have a great boyfriend, you are able to go to school, you have a future.

    I could make a list 10 times longer than yours about why my life sucks, but I dont, I make lists (in my head) about why my life is worth living. there is something inside of me that always screams, no matter how hard it gets, tomorrow could be better.
     
  12. It's called a rant. It helps me let out all of my shit.
     
  13. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    i know what it was, but when you start sounding suicidal it no longer becomes a rant and starts to be more of a cry for help. so i helped the only way i know how.

    if you cant see any validity in what i've said/posted than whatever.
     
  14. I don't blame god (God?) for anything in my life. If it sounded like that, I guess I need to re-word how I say things. I don't even really believe in a God, but at times I do. Obviously everything that happens in my life is because of an action I or someone else took or didn't take at one point in our lives. Nothing more/less to it than that.

    I know my parents weren't in a good relationship. They haven't been for like 9-10 years. I can't believe it took them this long to finally come to the conclusion that it's not worth being angry about for your entire life. They would bicker/fight every night and it was ridiculous.

    I also know why my Dad hates me, but I dont want to talk about that.

    I also realized everyone has to pay for school, we're all here, we're all paying. However most people's parents pay for it. Luckily, my parents paid for my first year. I wasn't expecting to ever have to pay and I was thankful for that. However this goes back to the "billion of other people who have it worse" theory. I was USED to getting it for free and not needing to work so now that I have to pay for everything all of a sudden and not being able to plan for this has put a lot of stress on me. Is that not normal? If that was my only problem in life it would be nothing, but stack it on top of other things and it starts to become inflamed.

    What you forgot to mention was not everybody gets to enjoy cancer (twice now), let alone while not having money for normal things, being gay and being kicked out of your own family. I haven't told my family I have cancer yet and I don't plan to unless it gets serious (terminal).

    Call me a crybaby, a bitch, a complainer, tell me to get into someone else's shoes. I dont care. What is so horrible about your life? I know you said you don't like to write out the negatives, only the positives...but what is it?

    I could list out some positives but I don't go on here to look for help for the positive things in my life, they are already fixed. I believe that when I come out of all of these things though and I'm ~25 years old and looking back on all of it I WILL be a strong person. I think I will be very strong and glad I pushed through all of it and didn't give up. I never give up on anything in life and don't plan on doing it now.
     
  15. :hs:

    I've thought about that too many times and I hope I never do. I believe I'm stronger than that.
     
  16. And this thread isn't about me, I want to help him with his father...I just ranted that little bit last night. :hs:
     
  17. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    then just be careful how you word things. most of your issues are minimal in comparison to losing a parent. i would think that watching someones parent die would put that sort of thing in perspective for you.

    do the things going on in your life suck? no doubt. could it be worse? always.

    having cancer twice must suck horribly, but doesnt having a negative attitude about it only help the cancer get worse? have the attitude that you beat it once, you can beat it again. everything else is just a normal part of life and something that you will get through with ease.

    now just be supportive of your bf. will emotional weekends be horrible and draining? every.single.fucking.time. but you are doing a huge thing for him by standing by his side and being supportive, just like i know he will turn around and do for you when he has the ability
     
  18. No, I do have a positive aspect towards my cancer. It gets me down sometimes, but 95% of the time I'm ready to go kick some ass. Right now it is just a waiting game though. I know its there, but have to wait to get another surgery and then we'll know where to go from there. Either it will be done for or they will start treatment. In my eyes though I caught it early and believe that just the surgery will be sufficient. I'm no doctor obviously, but I've been here, done that before. My previous case (same cancer, melanoma) was labeled as severe and has much worse attributes than the one I'm currently fighting off and I beat that one. It took two years and a lot of painful days/nights but I kicked its ass eventually. What I think helped me with that though was all of the people around me supporting me. Different friends would visit me basically everytime I had a nights stay over there and that was refreshing and definitely does help bring up morale. I had like a new PS2 game like every few days. :rofl:

    That is pretty much my main goal right now. I know how much it sucks to be sad/depressed but I'm sure he has far surpassed what I have ever felt right now and I don't know what I can do to help him. Nothing I do will change the outcome so it is just kind of a "do my best" kind of feeling. It sucks not being able to help someone. :( I just hope they get to share some memories this weekend and the weeks to come that he can remember forever and his father can have some positive last few months.
     
  19. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    but you ARE helping him. granted, i know its not in the way you would like (to cure his dad and make him healthy again)

    you said how much you appreciated the support when you were getting your treatment, and i know your bf (and his family) will appreciate your support too.

    when my mom passed away, my supportive friends were my lifesavers. they still are actually. then when my SO's dad's cancer got worse, i remembered what helped me and i just stood by his side as often as i possibly could. he was very thankful, as was the rest of his family.
     
  20. Yeah that is true. Obviously I would LIKE to save his Dad but that is impossible for me and apparently anyone. I will just be there for him and his family and try to do as much as I can. Even little things like making dinner or something is helpful when your day is busy at the hospital/appointments and you are really stressed. We'll probably try to do that for his mom/dad. :dunno:
     
  21. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    I had a friend who's father died of brain cancer recently and how every one tried to help her was basically act like everything was okay which she appreciated. She wasn't the kind of person who liked to talk about it or anything. Your bf might appreciate it if you didn't treat him differently. Just listen when he needs some one to talk to. When ever things go wrong in my life I just act like everything is fine and it helps me deal. I hope that helps a bit.
     
  22. That's too true. He definitely doesn't like to talk about it if he doesn't like to. He was here this whole week because he was depressed (obviously) and wanted to be kinda happy by being here. We only talked about it a little really. I dont ever bring it up because it is obviously a big downer and he usually tries to not bring it up because I think he doesn't want to act sad. :dunno:

    Acting like it's "all good" works fine now but eventually it won't be all good and it will no longer be possible to do this. I remember I liked it when people would just treat me normally though. Like not ask if I was in pain or anything. People would just visit and we'd do something simple like play some video games or watch a movie or something and that was fine with me. I didn't like it when people would visit and ask how I was feeling, how treatments were, how the pain was and all that. I dont want to think about that and I have a hard time talking about it really. My throat gets tied in a knot when I have to talk about it. Sometimes I'd have to write things down. :hs: When people thought I was going to die it was obvious and that made me feel even worse...when I was at my worse points, treatments weren't helping me and all of that, more and more people began to visit and that made it even worse as if they wanted to like see me for the last time. :\
     
  23. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    It's good that you have some experience with all of this from what you went through. Of course you can only act like everything is fine for so long but at least when things get worse he'll have those good times to focus on and they will soften the blow. The best thing would probably be just to love him and be there for him as trite as that sounds. Also, hopefully things will get better for you. It's never fun being bombarded by things from all sides but sometimes what can you do?
     
  24. Heading out now. 1.5 hour drive. Bleh. I hope all goes well. :wiggle: Lots of awkward moments are to ensue this weekend I'm sure. Thanks for all of those who helped/talked with me.
     
  25. i got too drunk to drive, i'm such a fucking idiot...ugh. i feel like a bad person right now. :( i'm gonna wait, sober up (hopefully) and drive up at like 3 or 4 AM. i wish they had like an auto-detox pill. i've had like 10-12 drinks...this is gonna take a while.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2008

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