FRK help with other girl added to our relationship

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by hondaman, Nov 19, 2009.

  1. hondaman

    hondaman New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2004
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    ok, i have a little scenario and i need some advice on how to handle this and how to adapt to this change.
    i have been seeing a girl for 2.5 years. she still lives with another man, though is leaving after christmas. she and he have been separated and living together for years, because of the child. there is your background.
    so, as we try to work things out about us, it happens that we have a little fight and she goes to a friends house, and then all of a sudden starts hanging out there alot. my girl has been with women before but not in a few years, not since she met me. anyways, since we have a fairly openly honest relationship, she told me about it after we made up. the natural reaction for a hotblooded guy is to be turned on and want in on it, and going full tilt with it. and i am, however, i also have this jealousy side of me i am unsure of, because i dont want to be lied to or anything, and i dont want to be blown off to go spend time with this other chick. my girl is not out of the closet and nobody but me and 2 of her closest frineds (and of course the girls she has been with already) know about her occasional walk on the wild side. however this other chick who is openly lesbian has been telling people about them. this one kinda rots my ass a little because until she leaves the house she is in, i am not even allowed to tell people because it will come back to the boy since it isnt the largest of areas around here.
    when she goes to this other girls house i get anxious and upset because she could be spending her valuable extra time with me, who she says is who she wants to be with, she wont leave a man for a woman. she doesnt want to lose the friendship with this other girl(who is falling hard and trying even harder to see her alot) but also cant give this girl the commitment she wants.
    so, i need some advice. how do you deal with your SO seeing someone of the same sex on the side occasionally? if we were all good, and things were stable between us, i wouldnt be as worked up but it is a little rocky right now, so i am unsure of the status of things.
    also, if this other girl was open to me joining or being there or whatever, it wouldnt be as much of an issue, why can she play and not me? i would be open to a girl who had the same headspace as my girl. no strings attached, probably in a relationship but wants the occasional walk on the wild side, but not looking for more, and not a close friend before the clothes come off.
    how do i stop my jealousy, i kinda figure it takes time, this is new territory for me.
    i also dont want to be coming in second place anymore, nor do i want to have to be passed over for some girl on girl action instead. she says she loves me, and i can see it in her eyes, feel it in her touch and hear it in her voice she is true about her feelings for me. i just worry that the extra attention from this new girl will detract from how she feels for me and i lose her commitment to me if she is spending alot of time and thinking about someone else.

    advice? sorry about the essay lol
    ps, take it easy on me please?
    thanks folks!
     
  2. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    My Advice: Coming from someone with a currently Open relationship, I'd say you aren't ready to be adding a third person into the dynamic. And you might never be. Thus if you want to make things work, your girlfriend and you BOTH need to be monogamous. You can't have it both ways (one gets to play outside the relationship but the other does not) and it's obvious that you can't handle a third party involvement if YOU can't be involved. And there's plenty of reasons why this other woman might not want YOU or even ANY other guy involved when she's being intimate with your girlfriend. Perhaps HER boyfriend allows her to play with other women, but other men are off-limits? This would include you. Perhaps she's not comfortable with the idea of you being involved, for whatever reason. Perhaps she's not into threesomes PERIOD, even if she does like both men and women.

    Sure, like most guys, you aren't adverse to having some girl on girl, girl on girl on you action going on, but to have a third person involved in the relationship from an emotional and physical/sexual standpoint on a fairly regular basis, just seems like something YOU can't handle.
     
  3. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2006
    Messages:
    4,945
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Frozen Bowels of HELL
  4. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2006
    Messages:
    4,945
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Frozen Bowels of HELL
    From what you have told us, I have to agree with BadKat. Your primary relationship is not stable enough to think about adding a third.
    You are going to have to have some frank discussions with your Lady about the situation. If you can have an open, honest and productive discussion about this then maybe you can have a successful open relationship in the future.

    Good luck :wavey:
     
  5. Soybomb

    Soybomb New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2003
    Messages:
    9,041
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    Unless I'm misunderstanding, she cheated on you. What commitment is that? Trying to fix this by now saying its a relationship open to girls for her is just delaying the heartache. You know the old saying about cheaters. Eject.
     
  6. suhrim21

    suhrim21 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2004
    Messages:
    293
    Likes Received:
    0
    I agree with rouge and bad From what you are saying I get a feeling you are not ready for a third person.

    If you do want to allow her to continue seeing the other woman YOU and YOUR SO need to sit down and have a serious talk. Right now you dont have a say on what is going on. I think that is why you are jelous. If you guys talk you might find your jelousy go away, then again it might not. But FIRST you two need to talk.
     
  7. GreyRS

    GreyRS Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2000
    Messages:
    1,891
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    FL
    Wow, I think I read it differently than everyone else who has replied. So to make this clear for me, let me brak out what I read and then I will respond with my thoughts after you agrre or correct me.
    1: You are "dating" someone who is currently living with their ex until sometime after this coming Christmas.
    2: Know one is allowed to knoe about this relationship.
    3: Only after the two of you had some type of fight did she go running to her "sometimes" girlfriend, and told you about it only after you teo made up.
    4: Her "grilfriend" is a lesbian and has no interest in men but, has been applying more pressure on your girl to commit to her.
    5: While know one can know you and the girl are dating, and she is not open about her lesbian tendencies, her "girlfriend" is outing her without repercussions.

    Did I get the jest of it?
     
  8. hondaman

    hondaman New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2004
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    i'll start with greyrs, yes that is kinda the jest of it, but also, the fact this girl is putting pressure is making my girl tell her to go away. after some discussions between us, we have decided that now if at all isnt the right time. also, the fact this other girl is being very open about it all makes my girl uncomfortable because it was an experiment that she did not want to go anywhere, but this other girl is hooked. the girl wasnt a sometimes girlfriend, we had a fight and in the midst of it all she found solace in the arms of another woman. she now feels that that was the wromg place to be and isnt interested in persuing the matter further.
    and also, with some talking we are unsure if it will ever take place that a girl is added, because she doesnt want to get into a situation where the girl wants more than a fling, and also we dont want to have any jealousy issues between us by adding someone to the situation. our sex life is fantastic without another girl, so there isnt much of a need for it to spice things up. its mexican food already lol.
    we agree that the situation and our relationship wont handle this now, and in the future, we may or may not discuss this again. for now, that door is closed.
    as for her and my situation and it seeming like i am a man on the side, to some people yes you may say that. however without the full details and knowledge of the situation, you are taking it as a 3rd person perspective. there are circumstances that are making it hard for us to be open to the world about our relationship, but they are in the process of changing too. she has told him that she is moving out after christmas, and they are working out the logistics of the house and the son and all that fun stuff. to keep things civil and to keep her son from being traumatized any more by it all, keeping me out of that picture until the dust has settled is what we have agreed to do.
     
  9. GreyRS

    GreyRS Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2000
    Messages:
    1,891
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    FL
    Until she is out of the house/relationship she is in with her son's father, YOU ARE THE MAN ON THE SIDE. There are no two ways about that. I don't say that to be mean or anything at all like that. I say that because it is the reality of the situation and you will not know for sure when it will end until it is over. Reasons and excuses are easy to come by in this type of situation.

    All of that aside, I think the two of you have at least made the right decision as far as having a "third" party involved in your relationship. Now is not the time to make a complicated situation even more so. I also feel that even when it does become just the two of you, it f you do decide to look into adding a third, it should be long after the two of you have strengthened your relationship enough to openly discuss all possibilities and what would and would not be allowed by both of you. The fact that you admit you have a bit of a jealous streak makes me recommend against it though.

    Good luck, however this may turn out though.
     

Share This Page