Help with my problem

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Biodragon, Jan 30, 2008.

  1. Biodragon

    Biodragon $$ > me OT Supporter

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    A little background. My SO and I have been together for 4.5 yrs now. When we first started dating, we both knew each others dislikes about the other gender in general and what we were looking for at the time. She has known from the beginning that I did not like girls with tattoo's, even though she had just gotten one when we met, I let that one slide because it is 1sq.in. in size and not able to be seen in public. She also knew I was not big on drinking(to get drunk was a def. no, social drinking I would have like 1 or 2 the whole night), and a very big disgusting NO to girls to smoke. That is a very big turn off to me.

    So, she went out to her friends bacheloret(sp?) party this last friday, which I was fine with. But it came to my attention that she smoked that night(within the same night). (I'm guessing the influence was her dad used to smoke, her mom smokes every now and then and is trying to quit, her older sister smokes socially, and she was with a bunch of other girls that smoke) I guess she did it because she was with her sister and a bunch of other girls who were smoking that night.

    This last saturday (the next day) I go to see her, and she does not tell me that she smoked, while I was trying to get it out of her on the way to my house. bassically the convo was like this:

    Me: How was the party last night?
    Her: yada yada
    Me: Arent those clubs in downtown?
    Her: yes.
    Me: thats cool, atleast ya'll didnt have to deal with smokers. (in Houston, smoking is banned from bars, and clubs)
    Her: yeah, I hate it when you go to places and your clothes and hair end up smelling like smoke.
    Me: yeah me too, I hate it when girls smoke, it is nasty, you should tell your older sister to stop.
    Her: yeah, yada, yada.

    So I didn't get it out then, but later on in the day, we were laying down, and I started another convo that went like this.

    Me: Your hair smells funny (we were in the spooning pos.)
    Her: funny? like what?
    Me: like, I'm not sure, smells like cigarettes or something.
    Her: oh, it was probably from the girls smoking.
    Me: oh, I thought they couldn't smoke at the clubs?
    Her: they couldn't, but they were smoking outside waiting on the cars, and at the girls house, etc.
    Me: oh, well your hair smells gross.
    Her: sorry... yada, yada

    So she never admitted to it, even when I directly was trying to get her to confess to it. She knows I hate it, and yet still does it, and then doesn't even want to tell me. I know for a %100 fact that she smoked.

    So my question, Is it right for me to bring it up, and be mad about it? This is one of those things where I will not tolerate a SO that smokes, and I do not want her to get into the habit of doing it socially cause then we will deff. not be together. And at the same time, her not telling me is making me feel like I can not trust her. Even thought we have been together for 4.5 years, we have had problems in the past and this is just kinda like making it seem like the problems are not worth it.

    What do you guys think? (sorry for the long post)

    Cliffs: My long time SO went out, and starting smoking, knowing full well I HATE girls who smoke, and did not tell me about it, although I know she did. What should I do when I bring it up?
     
  2. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    How do you know that she wasn't just standing with her friends waiting for cabs or whatever and her friends were all smoking? What makes you know 100% like you say you do?
     
  3. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    you are making waaayyy too big of a deal about it. if you wanted to know, you should have just asked her "did you smoke any cigs last night?"

    it's a bachelorette party, i'm sure there was a lot of peer pressure and she probably had a couple of cigarettes. it's not going to turn her into a chain smoker. relax dude.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    If you are 100% she smoked, get over it man. I mean yeah, you can mention it one more time but stop being so passive aggressive! Flat out say "I know you smoked and that upsets me." Either way, you're still makiing way too big an issue of this. I absolutely loathe smoking and smokers...I met my SO and thanks to his ex he smoked pretty often (at least 2 cigs a day). Even that bothered me and I told him so from the beginning. Now he's cut down to usually one-two just when we go out and all our friends are smoking. Even then it still bothers me a little just because I hate it so much...but at the end of the night I still love him.

    You're meaning to tell me after 4 1/2 years you are this upset at the possibility that peer pressure got to her and she smoked one cigarette? Do you really think she's going to become a chainsmoker or something? Her not admitting it is because she knows how much it will upset you and because she probably doesn't plan on smoking again! There are worse things that could affect your relationship buddy.
     
  5. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    who cares if she smoked one night in 4 years ?

    if she takes it up on a regular basis, you can bitch
     
  6. Biodragon

    Biodragon $$ > me OT Supporter

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    There are worst and those are problems that had gotten to us in the past, and yes I am this upset over it because it HAS happened in the past that she has smoked while out with friends, and I do not want it go further, because that is how it starts. It is bad enough that half her family smokes. Its practically in her genes to smoke.

    And her not admitting to it is a problem because she is always like 'we need to talk about everything' and yet when she does something like this, she doesn't bring it up. But if I do something, that she doesn't like, and then do not want to talk about it she gets a hissy fit on me and says stuff like why are we even together if you can not talk to me.
     
  7. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I've got good news and bad news.

    The good news is that your girlfriend isn't smoking. Yay! Right? You can rest easy.

    The bad news is that you are an insecure, controlling mess.
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    So tell her how you feel. Tell her you know she smoked and it upsets you that she did, that she held it from you ad more importantly if she takes up smoking for good you will no longer feel the same about her. Done.
     
  9. Biodragon

    Biodragon $$ > me OT Supporter

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    Also I do know for a fact that she smoked because she posted it on Myspace, telling EVERYONE in a bullitin. She said ' do not let me smoke when I am drunk, I smell like cigarettes now'. I do not have a myspace, but my brother, and 2 sisters do, and they are friends with her. That is how I found out.

    EDIT: Why would she tell EVERYONE, knowing that it will get back to me, yet not tell me. The person she is supposed to be able to tell everything to?
     
  10. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    :ugh: sounds like you guys have some communication problems... you should sit down and talk to her about it. maybe your controlling nature drives her to do something she's "not allowed to do" when she finally gets a night of freedom :dunno:

    how often does she get to go out with friends without you?
     
  11. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    because you are acting like this.
     
  12. Biodragon

    Biodragon $$ > me OT Supporter

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    She goes out whenever she wants with her friends. She actually wants me to go out with her more often, even though I am not much of a club goer.

    Also, lunch is here, I will be back in 30.
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    She told everyone except you because she knows they won't look at her as if she is a leper. They'll just laugh and know she deep down hates that she smoked a fucking cigarette.

    You sound kind of boring really. I don't mean that to be a jerk, because I totally accept that you don't care to drink and smoke....but it sounds like you probably don't even go out with her when she asks and instead preach about how disgusting it is that people drink and smoke...And that guy totally blows.

    Again, tell her you know and that you hope she won't start smoking for good, otherwise you will be very upset and put off by it. Most likely she truly does hate that she smoked in the first place and doesn't plan to make it a habit, so give her a break.
     
  14. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    Unless you're 100% sure that she's smoking you're walking a thin line. My best friend lives with his grandparents who both smoke and his clothes constantly smell like cigarettes. They only smoke upstairs in their house and his room is downstairs. He is never near them when they're smoking but his sweat shirts and stuff always smell like smoke. He generally has to wash them and then put them in his car to keep them from smelling.

    The point I'm making is when you're around other people who smoke, you smell. You'll know within a few weeks if she's starting to become addicted to cigarettes cause you'll find lighters / matches laying around, wrappers from the boxes, and the smell will be more common.

    Be careful which conclusions you jump to.
     
  15. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I just made a post in the asylum that I am going to toss in here for you dude, because you really sound like a mess of insecurity.

    This is just a stab in the dark. I could be missing the mark ENTIRELY or I could be hitting the nail right on the head. If anything, I think everyone ought to read it because there is something in it that everybody can benefit from:

    http://forums.offtopic.com/showpost.php?p=93357720&postcount=8
     
  16. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    This is true. I've never smoked anything ever, and I'm not a big drinker -- but I still have plenty of friends who do both. It's more of a social environment and if you're adult enough you can handle being around those people at times without it having any impact on you. Having a drink and getting drunk are two different things. Try going out to a club with your girlfriend or doing something she wants for once and it might make her open up a bit more to you.
     
  17. Biodragon

    Biodragon $$ > me OT Supporter

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    Going out is not a problem and I do like to do it. Although we do not go out alot, but then agian, full time work, and school for me is a little tiresome/time consuming. And she does not work, and can not take a full time student load because of money problems(so she has plenty of time to go out, where as I have like none). But that is a diff. story. Let me see if I can paint a picture of how it is normally. When we do go out, I will drink, normally around 2-3 beers. I am around people who drink to get drunk all the time, (being that I am in a frat), and people who smoke, and so is she. And I do not preach about how I hate how people who drink, and smoke, infact I have plenty of friends who do both. I was saying things like that during our convo in order to get her to come out with it.

    Also, she has a hard time controlling herself and knowing when enough is enough. There have been plenty of times where I stop her from drinking because I want to end the night with a SO who will not pass out. And she is finally starting to learn what that point is, while I am with her. But if she does go out with out, I will get drunk calls from her, and she may or may not remember them. And I am afraid that for her, starting to smoke, albeit only socially, will soon become a habit to smoke socially, and then I will have to cut off the relationship. This is what I am trying to avoid.

    Thanks for your responses also. :hs:
     
  18. Biodragon

    Biodragon $$ > me OT Supporter

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    yeah, that is not a problem for me. But thanks for the read.
     
  19. Biodragon

    Biodragon $$ > me OT Supporter

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    I dont remember mentioning it before, but this is not the first time she has smoked while going out, which is the reason as to why I am acting like this in the first place.
     
  20. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    That post may not apply to you, but you DO sound controlling and a tad insecure.

    It's not your job to tell her what she can and can't do. If you don't like a smoker, drinking, whatever and she wants to do it it's her right to do it and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it.

    if she's doing those things, the answer is to break up with her and move on.
     
  21. Biodragon

    Biodragon $$ > me OT Supporter

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    I know what ya mean:). I do not tell her what she can not do. In fact, I like it when she does drink because she becomes more 'open'.... But drink too much, and the night is ruined with me taking a girl too drunk to do anything worthwhile with home. Smoking on the other hand, is one just a yes/no thing for me. The girl I am with will not be a smoker. If a girl I am talking to is a smoker, then I will stop talking to her.
     
  22. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    you sound like you're one step away from chastising her for eating fried food or something.
     
  23. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    so? who cares. a cig here and there is fine.
     

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