SRS Help with life

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BBQ Monster, Jan 17, 2005.

  1. BBQ Monster

    BBQ Monster New Member

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    I dont know where to begin, but I will do my best to keep this short.

    My whole life I have been brought up in a very religious family (as a child). But I think I am trying to take a short-cut on the path set for me.

    I was saved when I was 7 years old. And at the time I felt it was right. I honestly thought that is was time for me to try the path of "God" and accept him as my lord and savior. I was doing realy well, considering my back ground and all.

    But, let me rewind a little. Some of you might not enjoy reading this part. As a young child my uncle did things to me and my brother an uncle would not normaly do to a family memeber. I hate the word they use to describe the act of crime he did, so I will not use the term. During this time not only was this going on but, my dad was beating the livin crap out of me and my brother. And I still live with the nightmare of what I actually thought about doing to my father when I was only five.

    One night when my dad came home he was hiting my mom as usual and she ended up coming into my room and he pushed her into my dresser and she fell and hit her head and it knocked her out. I was so mad at him, in a childs words and as mine at the time I saw him hurting my mommy. I grab the phone cord out of the wall and my agenda was to kill my father. I never got that far, being only five years old and trying to weigh my options I put the phone cord down and called 9-11.

    The only childhood memory I have is church and my father beating us. I cannot remember and Christmas's and Easter's just church and how me my mother and brother would rush to church and pray for my father every time he hurt us. My dad know longer beats my mom anymore, he got professional help and has finaly realized what he did was wrong, even tho he does not even remember it. And incase you guys are wondering he did get charges filed against him several times and taken to jail about 6 times.

    Life felt good once everything started to calm down, I once again had my connection with "God". I felt like I had a family again. Then when I was in ninth grade a good friend of mine commited suicide. I begin to feel lost and confused, I needed a hand up instead of a hand down.

    I started searching for God once again, I wasn't sure on what I would do once I was at peace again, all I knew was I was tired of being a stray. I was happy I had a broadcasting job and was satisfied on what I was trying to acomplish. Then I did the story over street racing. Everyone everywhere hated me said mean things about me. And they didn't even know me. I thought to myself how could I offended so many people, I was only doing my job. But then I found out that Pamela Hamm turned it all around. I felt stupid I wanted to wither up in a little ball and die. I then once again lost contact with God. I felt how could he let so many people be so mean to someone they cannot understand. I isolated myself, I quite talking to people. I hated my car and everyone I knew. I seeked answers on what I was to do now. Be a hermit, or give up totally on my dreams. The one person to help me out with finding myself again was Dallon. He helped me, took up for me. Comforted me. But I was still lost.

    My great grandmother just recently passed, and now I am dealing with that and the imaturity of some people I thought were friends and the pressure of feeling isolated from everything I have ever known. I am depressed, all I see is darkness I am trying to find the light but I dont know which way to run. I want to believe in God again I want him in my life. My question is, if all I have ever known is darkness with a pinch of light will I ever find my path? How do I choose? How do I find God again? I need help with my life and want God their to help me. I know prayer is one thing, but I never feel the connection when I pray. I can never find the answer on why God chose the path I am on, and if this is the one I chose for myself, how do I get back on track?

    Sorry for the length I just started to type everything I felt. Sorry if I offended anyone. And if you can offer any advice on the matter, please do. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

    -Heather
     
  2. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Maybe switch religions? Check out Buddhism. If only for a comparison, in order to better understand your own.
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

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    If you hunger for comfort in the Church you might want to find a good Church with a good pastor, even if it's not particularly close to you, and then speak with the pastor there about your concerns.

    If you haven't already distanced yourself far from your father/uncle....do so.
    In time, you might want to speak out about that. But you need a lot of healing first.

    Find a nice Church that feels "right" to you, and start attending service and talk to the pastor there. Maybe they even offer counselling through the Church, although personally, I think you should find a good family therapist for your counselling needs.

    Good luck.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    The Cycle of the Soul

    This book provided to you by God himself will tell you all the hows and why's that you require.

    No matter how deep a person has fallen, there will always be a way out.

    http://home.quicknet.nl/qn/prive/kes/cycle.pdf

    I know you are hesitating to believe it, but here is your answer.
     
  5. lostinlife

    lostinlife Guest

    wow that's not good at all, Im so sorry for you past and what happened to you. I am now into judism. I was getting married to a jew and decided to explore his religion and I liked it very much. I made that change for myself and no one else. My past is not so good either, there was sexual abuse when I was a child and my mother was not really a mother at all. When I decided to tell my mother what i was doing, her only response was well i guess your going to hell - WTF??? I knew then truthfully I was better off with-out her. Now since then (1997) there I was going on several roller coaster rides of emotions as far as she was concered. Well in 1999 I had it, she broke all tides and I haven't really looked back. I will say that deep inside it still hurts - all of it. I have a great husband that triues his harest to keep me happy and my mind offof her, but there are times of the year that really bother me. It's hard.
     
  6. PoultryMagic

    PoultryMagic If I can't be my own...I'd feel better dead.

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    those are some deep seated emotional issues you are dealing with. it will be a long and difficult road, but the only advice i can give you is to confront the past and deal with it. you will eventually realize that it was not your fault. once you truly realize that concept, that it was out of your control and not your fault, the healing will begin...and you can start to build the self-esteem that you need to enjoy life as yourself.
     
  7. Gerbonium

    Gerbonium OT Supporter

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    Going from being extremly religious to athiest and then back to being religious i would say that if you want to get back into finding God i recommend picking up the Bible and reading it all the way through. I did that about a year and a half ago and it helped me out a good deal. I set a minimum that i would have to read one chapter a night (because, personally, im the type to pick something up and put it down a week or so later) I'm still not done with it because 95% of the time i only read one chapter a night. so it is a slow process. maybe try doing 3 chapters minimum, depending on what type of a reader you are (Im a horrible one). Anyways that helped me find God again. Good luck to you.
     

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