This is really long, but I need some listeners. im back from iraq and im lost. hear me out: Let me break this down barney style. I was 21, her 24. Her name is april. April starts working at fareway(grocery store), the same place where i worked. When she started working there i obviously knew nothing about her. I had just broken up with a gf and gotten back from bootcamp. I was going through a rough time(summer of 2002 btw). I was depressed etc. At the end of summer me and the ex started talking again..we got back together...things actually went very well. Throughout this time im working with april, i actually dont remember how we "were" to eachother, but im sure there was some attraction there between both of us...always has been. I break up with current gf in april 2003. At this point i know a little more about april. there alot of rumours going around about her and "how she is"....in other words she doesnt have the bet rep. shes a bit of a whore. supposedly. at this point shes dating someone else from work. well after i broke up with my gf i was a different person..she was pretty much the only person i ever dated. it was pretty much an online thing although we did meet like 4 times. so when i broke up with her, i was ready to be single and i wasnt sure what that meant. i went out quite a bit since i was 21, had a great time etc etc. meanwhile april and i are still attracted to eachother. i mean its just something thats there..theres attraction there and thats just the way it is. anyways i bunch of people from work go out to the bar and april is their with her bf. they supposedly broke up that night and a bunch of us went over to aprils apt. i ate her out, made out with her and slept(not sex) with her that night. a few days later shes back with joe. she never told joe what happened...he just knew we were in the same bed sleeping together. joe was married too(well seperated.) they end up breaking up and i go out with april..things move real fast. i was completely honest with what i thought about her..i said i know about all the rumours etc, not sure how true they are, she answered a few questions i had. nevertheless the first few times we went out she was all over me, wanted the cock. i didnt give it to her. i was extremely attracted to her, but that just wasnt me. it was actually kind of a turn off to me, and made me wonder how true some of these rumours were. she got the clue how i felt, in fact when we went out one night, i told her i was "ready" that night. we got home....started fooling around and then she asked ME if i was ready etc etc. i was drunk too. it meant alot to me. showed me that maybe this girl isnt the dirty girl i was worried about or maybe she had changed. and i think she honestly did change, but thats another story. anyways her first fuck up was when i was on my 2 weeks of active duty for the marine corps. she went out with a bunch of people from work after inventory(every three months). they always go out to the bar and after the bar they went to the titty bar. she told me when i got back that a stripper lifted her shirt up(bra still on) and kissed her chest. it was the beginning..she was honest...i got over it quick. second and third fuck up are the same. she kissed another girl. this "lady" is 45 yrs old and also worked at fareway. she kissed(supposedly no tounge but i dont remember if i knew that at the time) her once while i was gone on a drill weekend....and again another time. this "lady" is really nice, but shes trashy imo. and others too. january comes around and i go to the strip club with friends and its a big deal. i come home and i told her i got two lap dances. shes crying...shes just really really upset, felt like i cheated on her etc. i was mad at first but she was sincerely hurt and i felt bad. last time i got a lapdance while i was with her. may rolls around and we go out to the titty bar after the bar with friends(april included) april gets on stage right in front of mme....stripper lifts her shirt up and licks her nipple. i get fucking irate...im just really sarcastic..thats how i am when im mad. we get over that. i go away in june to cali to train for iraq. things between april and i are really good. i mean we argue alot(have since probably month 6) but our feelings have always been very very strong. we were in love quick..and well.. ..we loved eachother alot. things go well throughout the summer..im able to see her 3 times. the last moment im with her she pulls me to her and shes crying and shes like "james, im gonna be here waiting for you when you get home, etc etc." keep in mind that WE ARE very much in love. i loved this girl with all of my heart and soul. she has done alot of GREAT things in our relationship. when i go to iraq we start arguing alot. im going through a tremendous amoutn and i trun into a jerk online sometimes. we always made up but after about three months she writes me this long email about her concerns, etc etc. it crushed me. just crushed me. she didnt break up with me, she just expressed her concerns and said it was kind of a "warning." i accepted it and understood alot of what she had to say. basically at that point i think she was just getting used to me not being around. she got a new job a few months earlier and made some girlfriends. that was something she never have. i was all about it, for her sake, but i think it eventually came to bite me in the ass. anyways..the last 4 moths of iraq i was crushed. april broke up with me 5 days after i got home. its been 2 months and im still crushed. my world is rocked right now. now things about her are starting to come out fromm other people. a guy i work with saw her out while i was gone and well..he was really really nervous when i brought it up, and he didnt tell me much. basically it sounds like she was "all over some guy"..dancing and whatnot. april gets flirty and attention whore like when shes drunk sometimes. now..this comes as a huge surprise....remember the first time i talked about at the strip club..ie "the first fuckup?" well supposedly alot more happened than what she told me. something happened between her and the asst manager...a married man with kids nevertheless who i always thought was a good guy. what this was i dont know. tim told me he just knew something happened but the people that were there swore never to tell. etc etc. anyways there is alot more to this whole story..its pretty hard to explain a 2 year relationship in 1 post. but i am crushed. and i am still in love with this girl and want her very much. she was my everything. she doesnt know some i know some of the stuff i just found out and she knows i am having a really hard time. she offered to talk to me if i thought it would help. im thinking i might want to. i want to know the truth about everything....maybe it will help bring me closure and help me heal. if i confront her though, even if i go about it in the most non accusing way, i think shes gonna get pissed and leave and i may never talk to her again. i already feel depressed as it is and i feel alot of guilt. i AM without a doubt a great guy, but im not perfect. im pretty fuckin witty and when im offended...i have my way with words and being sarcastic. anways..i dont really know what to do. i need someone to at least listen and offer me some kind of words of advice.