Help with being shy

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by mistergixter, Jun 21, 2008.

  1. mistergixter

    mistergixter New Member

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    I think this is the right forum for this, but we shall see. This is a long post, I will CLIFF NOTES AT BOTTOM

    So her is the deal, I got out a 3 year relationship 16 days after my birthday. That was back in March. During a month and half time period, I immersed myself in WoW. :ugh:I have since given that up because I hated wasting my time and it got boring. So fast forward a little, I am going out more now, I am riding my motorcycle a lot more. When it comes to meeting woman I lack the skills to make that initial conversation. I think part of it stems from my past relationship; my ex always put me down, questions my decisions and without too much work, always made me question how she would react to me doing something. Case in point, my dad wanted to take me shooting, I wondered what my ex would think and ended up bitching out. I would not go on motorcycle rides because of her. I hated that. It has ruined my self confidence.

    My family has begun to notice my lack of self confidence. My friends have noticed my lack of self confidence. I have always been a shy person, and I want to break out of that. That is why I need OT's help. Once I get to know someone, then it is easy, no worries at all. But getting from point A to point B is the hard part for me. I am not depressed, if I feel down, I give myself some RPM therapy and then I am good to go.

    Here is what happens, I see a pretty girl, smile at her and then I psych myself out because I don't know what to say. Then she walks away or runs into friends. What also scares me, is talking to a girl with other people around.

    I am also not so over my ex, I am at the point to where if she wanted to bang, I would turn her down. Cause if I did her, it would ruin what I have done to get over her. I just need some new vagina. I know that I will get over her and stop thinking about her, but it is hard.

    CLIFF NOTES.

    broke up with ex 4 months ago
    I am a shy person by nature
    My ex has shattered my self confidence
    I am too shy to walk up to woman and make conversation
    I want to change
    I want a new pair of bewbies to play with.

    I have a nice motorcycle and am a decent looking guy, with a dry sense of humor. Help me.

    Thanks, MG
     
  2. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    Are you just looking to get laid or find a new girl to have a relationship with? How old are you?

    Yail has posted some pretty strait forward posts about making simple conversation with girls at supermarkets or bookstores and things of that nature. You need to just buck up and try and talk to a girl some time and see how the conversation goes. Identify what you did wrong (if it fails) and make plans to change that for the next one. If you look like an idiot trying to talk to some girl at the store the most that will happen is she'll giggle and walk away. You aren't going to be publicly embarrassed for the rest of your life.

    Look for a girl in a store and make conversation about whatever you two are shopping for. If you see her in the chips section ask her what kind of salsa she prefers with them. Anything to start talking. You might find out that she's having a party at her house and is doing her shopping for it. There are so many simple things you can strike up conversation about. If you see a girl in a book store just ask her what kind of books she's interested in and see if she has recommendations for you. Obviously if you never ever ever go into a bookstore this might not work, but these are examples of places you can meet women.

    Start with a less attractive woman if you feel your confidence is too low to talk to someone you are attracted to. Talk to someone older or younger than you just to practice your conversation skills.

    You mentioned your motorcycle a lot which leads me to believe it's something you're really passionate about. Some girls might get really turned on by the fact that you ride. Maybe you see some girl in a store a lot and she jokes with you about how often you shop. Tell her it's because you can't take a lot of groceries home on a motorcycle and there is your segway into another conversation.

    Be creative and start with the women you don't feel attracted to in order to practice.
     
  3. mistergixter

    mistergixter New Member

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    That is a good call on the woman who are not so attractive. I am 26, I started dating my gf when she was 18, and I was 22. That was my first big, longer than 2 months relationship.

    I am not looking to get laid, but it would be nice. I am looking for more companionship, someone to sleep with. Preferably that someone would be my gf, but the worst part for me of being recently single, is how little I use my phone now, I rarely get texts and phone calls, which tells me I need to get more friends.

    You are correct about passion and riding, I love to ride. It makes me happy to lean her over, or take a clover leaf on ramp at 60.:wiggle:

    I really just need to man up and talk to woman, but I psyche myself out. I will look up that thread.

    Thanks
     
  4. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    :sadwavey:

    Girls are scary to talk to... :wtc:

    What was your interactions with girls like growing up? Elementary school? Middle school? High school? etc...
     
  5. mistergixter

    mistergixter New Member

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    I was always shy in high school. Part of it was due to the fact that I had a slight speech impediment. I still try to blame it, but being 26, I just deal with it when people ask me WTF did you just say. My friends have grown used to it; I sometimes talk a little too fast. For a long time, I was self conscious about my penis size too, but I have gotten over that. I am average BTw. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 22.

    I had girls in elementary school who liked me, but I was blind to it, still am today.

    Part of what worries me too, is how people react to my scars. I could tell a lie of a motorcycle accident, or constipation and pull it of with ease, but the truth was I had surgery when I was little (3 months old) and now have a scar the runs across the top of my head, from ear to ear almost and then one on the back of my head that looks like the saint Louis arch.

    I just worry about what others think about me, and I know that is a problem that I need to get over.

    I think my life story will eventually come out in this thread.

    I want to change myself; I want to change myself for the better.
     
  6. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    They tried making me take speech therapy when I was in elementary school. I wish I would have taken that shit seriously back then, I still have a impediment to this day and most of the time people don't understand what I say.

    Did you talk and interact with girls in elementary school? At what age did you start realizing you had anxiety talking to girls?
     
  7. mistergixter

    mistergixter New Member

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    I was never that bad in high school. I always had friends that were girls, but unknowingly, I got sucked into that friend role. They always complained to me or never took me seriously when I was interested in them. Before my ex, I was not afraid to go up to a lady and talk to her; I would just crash and burn afterwards. Not until my break up did I realize that I suck at talking to woman. MY ex was a myspace girl and breaking the ice was easy, because you can hide behind a keyboard.
     
  8. fray

    fray New Member

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    It sounds like just building up your confidence is the main thing. Sure it'd be nice to get girls, but that will come once you've fixed some things for yourself, and you'll be happier.

    I think you're going to have to force yourself to do some of those things that you would like to do, but that scare you. And learn to realize when you're getting in to thoughts of "what would the ex think", that way you can learn when to shut them up. Doing that will help you feel better about yourself, and get you out more.

    When you smile at girls, just throw in a "hi" for a while. You don't have to have a whole conversation right off the bat.

    And you've got the bike. That's a pretty automatic in, from what I've seen. We get hooted and honked at by girls all the time...maybe that's just the younger ones. But that would give you the opportunity to talk about something you really like and that should come easier to you.
     
  9. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Top Mistakes Men Make When Meeting Women

    #1 Talking too much. Let her talk. There is nothing wrong with an "awkward silence" here and there (edit: I've watched nearly every episode of the TV show Blind Date. The men who do the best talk the least. The men who do the worst talk the most. Its not a coincidence.)

    #2 The Smoking Gun. The irrefutable proof that she likes you and will not reject you. It doesn't exist, so stop looking for it.

    #3 Trying to impress her/Bragging. Don't do it. (unless you do it in a humorous way. this is known as "cocky and funny")

    #4 Placing her needs above your own. Its simply unattractive.

    #5 Attempting to have logical relationship discussions. You just met her. You have to let the relationship grow naturally. Relationship discussions are generally creepy and weird. And best case scenario it will won't help you get into her pant.

    #6 Being terrible at non-verbal communication. This one should be much higher on the list. She will answer all your questions non-verbally if you will just pay attention and learn to read the signs. This one takes practice.

    #7 "Too close too soon" Don't try to see her too much. Don't try to call her all the time.

    #8 Chatting via text or phone between dates. Unless you are quite the charmer, odds are none of this will build her desire, but you run the risk of saying something that will turn her off.

    #9 Getting your feelings hurt when a woman is a bitch to you. When you regularly approach women, this one is unavoidable. Learn to accept and deal with it without it affecting your self-esteem.

    #10 Smiling too much. A little is good, more is okay, too much and you look like a serial killer. Think James Bond. He rarely smiles.

    These are off the top of my head, in no particular order.

    forgot one:

    #11 Saying things like "I'm not a stalker" "I hope you don't think I'm weird" Never do this. Ever. Not once.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2008
  10. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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  11. mistergixter

    mistergixter New Member

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    Thanks for the replies. I realize that they are lots of little things that I need to do before I can run. I think my first step is to get over my ex and stop worrying about what she is doing.

    Off of Yail's list I am guilty of number 10,8,7,6,4 at least one point in time. I need to teach myself to smile fully, not a half smile with any teeth, I am not that sly yet where I can get away with sly smile.

    Baby steps are what I need to do here. I think I will try the 'hi' approach for a little bit, if they stop to talk, then I can talk.

    I am doing things in my everyday life to improve my self confidence just in decision making alone. It is a tough road to get back on the relationship motorcycle once you have gone up and over the bars.

    I should be at least getting some honks or something on my bike, maybe I am not going to the right places.

    Thanks again guys.
     
  12. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    read that link i posted

    its right up your alley
     
  13. mistergixter

    mistergixter New Member

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    I was looking for some of your posts last night, that should help me a lot.

    I book marked Pook's already. I am going to look into DYD and another book.

    Where is this Florida post that Yail mentioned? I did a quick search and didn't find anything.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2008
  14. sapient

    sapient New Member

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  15. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3112750
     
  16. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    yup yup
     
  17. Reign

    Reign Banned

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    Get buzzed, not just at a bar... anywhere

    Walk around in public

    If you see girl you think is attractive say "Hey, what's up... how you doing?"

    She will be creeped out at first (obviously), keep it up and try to be humorous (obvious jokes about yourself that a stranger can pick up on work fairly well... try to crack subtle jokes about her that she won't get offended at (kinda difficult)).

    Once you have her attention make ask questions (not to personal) about her. Also make comments that compliment said unacquainted woman, make her feel good about herself and that she is safe talking to this completely strange person. Compliments about her should be about the way she dresses, how her hair is done, nails are done... stuff she put time and effort into. She was born with the eyes god gave her... Big woo... she has pretty eyes... she didn't spend an hour trying to make her eyes green or blue or something like that.

    ummmmm.... practice makes perfect. You're gonna suck at this at first.

    Hopefully you live in a big city so you can keep switching places you do this it. The best place it works is a place you have interests in... Book store, game store, music store (instrument or CD), etc... Then you know you already share a common interest.


    VERY VERY IMPORTANT

    DO NOT GET TOO BUZZED SO THAT YOU CANNOT OPERATE A VEHICLE OR ARE AN IDIOT.

    Just enough to boost your self confidence and be more talkative. Also...don't reek of alcohol
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2008
  18. RebootEnzo

    RebootEnzo New Member

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    Who the fuck would do that?
     
  19. fray

    fray New Member

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    you would be amazed.
     
  20. mistergixter

    mistergixter New Member

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    I am not big on the whole liquid courage thing. Cause if I were to talk to a girl half buzzed, she might expect that same behavior all the time. I like my beer but not that much. After reading all of this and figuring out how to put this into perspective for myself I have come up with some conclusions.

    1. I am going to get shot down; it is a part of life, deal with it.
    2. You can get better if you don't talk to woman.
    3. I need to stop psyching myself out and talk by the seat of my pants. One foot in front of the other.
    4. Be yourself, trying to imitate a Rico suave or Mystery is just not for me, why would I want to be fake?
    5. Try not to be too nice (saw it from other threads.)

    That sounds right to me, what do you guys/gals think?

    On a side note, I will be alone tonight and I want to call my ex up and hump her but I know I should not do that. It would not be worth the problems it would cause me.

    I just want some company tonight.:sadwavey:
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2008
  21. fray

    fray New Member

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    You're right, it would not be worth the trouble. Why don't you try to make some other plans for tonight, since you already know that you are feeling weak?

    I don't think you need to fundamentally change who you are, or how you approach women (i.e., drunk, etc.). But, you do need to push yourself into the situations that are difficult for you, so that you will become more comfortable (even those non-woman related situations again, like riding and other hobbies).

    The further you can separate yourself from the ex the better, especially since you still continuously judge yourself based on her perceived expectations of you.
     
  22. mistergixter

    mistergixter New Member

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    Do you work in construction? Cause you hit the nail on the head. I would like to tell myself that I don't care what she thinks about what I do, but part of me wonders what she would think. It should not be that way.

    I would like to occupy my time with something tonight, but since I exiled my friends during the course of my relationship, I don't have very many friends, and the close ones I have are married and have/expecting kids. So I am like the 3rd wheel.

    I know I need to just get out there and get rejected but it is hard to do.:noes:
     
  23. fray

    fray New Member

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    so go ride, or go see a movie, or call up your friends and try to get something started again. you've got to get back out there.
     
  24. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    I used to be shy

    I used to avoid embarrassing moments or just avoid interaction altogether.

    Take the opportunities you have now and expand on them. Embarrass yourself sometimes, talk or smile at a stranger, or just plainly be noticed by your peers... because in the end the more experience with interaction the better you'll be in your career, relationships, and ultimately your life. Learn to set aside your insecurities and don't worry what anyone thinks.

    Do something - ...
     
  25. mistergixter

    mistergixter New Member

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    I think this is going to be a slow process of self change and learning to live a different way. It all sounds so easy in theory, but acting it out is different. I just need to man up and do it. What is the worst that happens? I leave empty handed but having gained valuable experience or just over thinking it to what I could have done and be in the exact same spot.



    Life is too short to be shy.
     

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