SRS Help With A Guy Friend

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Dahlia, Apr 30, 2008.

  1. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2008
    Messages:
    27,527
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lexington, KY
    So this is my first time posting over here, I would have in the Vag, but it seems like they all have the same answer for this problem and I want to see if anyone thinks differently.

    I moved to michigan from florida in january, and I found a guy on myspace(or he found me, I do not remember now), but we lived right down the road from each other and talked for a little bit before we first hung out. Well, our relationship turned into a Friends with benefits type deal, although he treats me like a girlfriend. We both wouldn't have sex with anyone else, and he is turning down all sorts of girls that want him. He texts me during his work to tell me what hes up to that night, and he always calls me on the way home, and when he is out an about, he always tells me what hes up to. When he wakes up in the morning, I get a IM from him right away, and usually we spend the day either talking online or with each other. He takes me to breakfast and lunch, and always wants to take me along with any errands he is running that day. (yesterday he took me to get GTA 4 and for breakfast, home depot, and the mall for getting his apple laptop cord and went with me to get makeup)..

    He spends time with me even if it doesn't mean we are going to have sex, and he will snuggle with me on the couch when we watch movies or tv or such. He tells me I am cute, and laughs at my jokes and such. He is also the one who introduced me to OT after showing me a bunch of funny pictures off of here.

    I was originally moving to cali to be with my dad, so we were just going to be short lived, but he is now moving back here, so I am not going anywhere. I have also started to develop feelings for him, he's unlike every guy i have been with, and he is SUPER SUPER smart, which i love. I am also not sure if this is how FWB usually goes.. I thought it was basically just sex and not much else, and you def didnt keep tabs with the person all the time.

    My other guy friends say I should just talk to him and tell him how I feel, but I am deeply afraid of getting rejected and loosing all that we do have, because i really enjoy his company and I enjoy the time we spend together and our conversations. I have also told a guy before how i felt and he sort of stopped contact with me slowly. I don't want this to happen at all. And I am so afraid of being rejected after it has happened over and over again.

    I am not a bad looking girl, and I have been told I have an awesome personality, but I have such a hard time finding a guy that wants to be with me, and I think they are all looking for the model type that media has portrayed as perfect.

    So.. any suggestions on how to handle this? Should I tell him how I feel? is there a good way to go about this that will not put everything on the line? Am I wrong in thinking that i am getting treated differently than any other FWB girl? Or should I just not say anything and wait it out? I am so confused about this, so any suggestions would help a lot and be much appreciated.
     
  2. Coranai

    Coranai Ninja Kitty

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2007
    Messages:
    146
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ct
    Best bet, if you really want more, is to tell him. if he's really your friend, he'd tell you honestly what he wants too. There's no way of opening up to him without "putting everything out on the line" Chances are, he wants the same if he's treating you like you said, just afraid of the same things you are.
     
  3. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2003
    Messages:
    4,543
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    baltimore, md
    I disagree. Enjoy what you have now and just take it where it goes. It seems like you are all but dating anyway, and for some reason you want the label.

    He obviously likes you, so keep chilling with him. Maybe he will say he feels the same way before you do, which would be awesome for you.

    Telling him how you feel has the potential for scaring him away when he may like you. He may like you a lot but he should realize that on his own, not have to feel like he either likes you the same way or doesn't.

    Either way, sounds like a good thing going and if he peaces cuz you tell him how you feel then he is the one that is fucked up and he prolly would have left for some other reason anyway.
     
  4. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2006
    Messages:
    4,537
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cary, NC
    Best bet is to tell him.

    My boyfriend and I started out as a friends with benefits thing and our relationship evolved very much like what you just posted. We started hanging out for things other than just sex.. He had a bunch of other girls that he was talking to/sleeping with but those all fizzled out and then it was just me (or so he says. :mamoru: ) Heck, I even had a boyfriend but I would ditch my boyfriend to hang out with my FWB which made things kind of awkward in my relationship.

    One of us had to take the risk though and confess what we were feeling. Keeping those feelings in will just destroy you. And yea, if he doesn't feel the same way it will kind of mess things up, but it's better to know, right?
     
  5. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2008
    Messages:
    27,527
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lexington, KY
    Well, I can wait, I have no problem with that because I kind of like that things just are, there is no pressure to act a certain way or anything, like people in relationships tend to do. I just don't want to lose him because for once I feel like it might be a good relationship for real this time. And because I said something to another guy that i was kinda dating, and he freaked because he said I was taking things too fast, and I don't want to make the same mistake because it really sucks. I think some guys get like that and like to do things on their own time.


    Also, I always felt(partly because of what i have heard guys say irl, and partly because of what guys say on here) is that once a girl sleeps with a guy before an "official" relationship, she is marked as a slut and undateable. Now he says that he thinks nothing of the sort with me, but I am not sure if that still doesn't say that i am not dating material..

    I dunno, these things are so hard to judge.
     
  6. Zee916

    Zee916 Engineering the world.......

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2007
    Messages:
    919
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ATX
    Sounds like he really enjoys your company now but may not be ready to date officially. In my experience, if the guy wants it, he'll go for it.

    Him just acting like yall are basically in a relationship already without actually being in one doesn't seem to make me think you should go rushing in telling him all of these things.

    As far as sleeping with someone before...... I slept with me ex before we were "dating" but just a handful of times and it was quite obvious where the relationhip was going so it wasn't much of a problem.

    How long has the FWB been going on for?
     
  7. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2006
    Messages:
    4,537
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cary, NC

    A lot of what you say describes me and my boy and what I was feeling at the time. Makes me smile. Not saying you'll end up together, but it's quite quite possible.

    Idk, if you're willing to wait, then wait and see if he makes the first move. Takes the pressure of you.. He'll either come around... or not.
     
  8. doggystylin

    doggystylin New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2008
    Messages:
    95
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    wait, if he's on OT, isn't it likely that he will read this thread?
     
  9. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2003
    Messages:
    4,729
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Twin Cities, MN
    Maybe that is what she is hoping... :x:
     
  10. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2003
    Messages:
    4,729
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Twin Cities, MN
    I've noticed a lot of girls do this... Why?

    Why don't women just break it off with their current boyfriend if they are unhappy with the relationship?

    I just don't understand the whole 'ditch the boyfriend, to hang out with a fuck buddy' thing...

    (I'm not judging BTW... I'm just trying to understand women...)
     
  11. Frito

    Frito New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2008
    Messages:
    1,487
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    thats what i was thinking too.... the tension is building. all he needs to do is click on the link :noes:
     
  12. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2006
    Messages:
    4,537
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cary, NC

    Well, for me, it was because my current boyfriend wasn't right for me.. We were both unhappy, and I didn't have anywhere to go (ie a living situation) I was scared shitless and trying to reach out to someone. I know it's dumb trying to justify it, but I wasn't just out to be a whore. I was missing something in my current relationship and my FWB filled that void.

    When I got out of the bad relationship, and into a new relationship (not with the FWB) I had gotten emotionally attached to the FWB so I couldn't not see him.. I started ditching that boyfriend for him.. Not for sex, but just to hang out. He helped me learn that I could be independent and helped me get the courage to find my own place etc and repair my relationship with my family.

    Girls don't usually seek out FWB for sex. Usually it's for new companionship and the easiest way to make sure an awesome guy will want to be around you is to promise them sex. I knew things were going great with my FWB when sex started to be a perk, like in a relationship, instead of the main focus. And a year and a half later, we are still happily together. <3
     
  13. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2008
    Messages:
    27,527
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lexington, KY
    He doesn't go on OT very much anymore, he doesn't like all the jerkiness that goes on in most of the forums, and he doesn't know my name and I don't think he even has visited this one(just the fitness and the main one), which is one of the reasons i decided to post in here. So, I don't think he will find it.....

    But I also agree that FWB doesn't mean they are slutty, I have never been in the position that I was with another guy and feel for another at the same time, but guys do this as well..... So why don't they just break it off too instead of having more than one girl? But I do understand how it feels to be in a relationship that doesn't give you the emotional connection that you need. its very hard, and it makes you feel so alone.


    I am also so glad i posted in this forum.. the others were saying don't even bother, he doesnt care, blah blah to other girls/guys in this situation, you guys really helped and understood more than the others.
     
  14. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2003
    Messages:
    4,729
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Twin Cities, MN
    :bowdown: Wow amazing post. I totally understand everything you wrote.
     
  15. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2003
    Messages:
    4,729
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Twin Cities, MN
    wait... there's a fitness forum? Which one? How'd I miss it?
     
  16. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2003
    Messages:
    4,729
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Twin Cities, MN
    Agreed. FWB doesn't mean anyone is slutty. In fact I hate the term slutty because it is a double standard. Guys can go out and have sex with different women without being in an exclusive relationship, but if a girl does it then she is a slut... that's bullshit. Women are just as sexual as men, and as long as she respects herself enough to make sure protection is used, I don't see it any different then if a guy did it.


    Neither have I so I can't truthfully answer this. But I can say that if I was just dating several women at the same time I wouldn't have any problems with sleeping with them. Because no exclusive relationship has been agreed upon they don't need to know who or what I am doing with other women. However if I got serious with 1 of them, then I would man up and tell the others that we need to just be friends. But then again, I am different from other typical men so they may not have the same ideals as I do.


    This must be more common for women than for men. If I was in a relationship I didn't get everthing I needed out of it, I would go back to being single before I stay unhappy another day. But that must have something to do with what kristaliah posted about learning to become independent. :dunno:
     
  17. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    if you are fine with how things are going right now, just dont rock the boat, just enjoy the relationship you have. but eventually, you will probably want to actually define whats going on. when that point comes, just let him know you really like him and see how he responds. from what you say, it sounds like he likes you as well. if he doesnt, at least you know. its always better to know the truth instead of being in the dark.

    my finace and i started our relationship like this. it slowly evolved into more. i dont think that being FWB ruins the potential for a "real" relationship
     
  18. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2008
    Messages:
    27,527
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lexington, KY
    Yea, I tend to get attached easily in a relationship and start losing track of myself, especially if the guy does the same. I'm trying to learn to be better with that though, its hard....

    And we've kinda slowed down on the sex, like you would in a relationship... When we were talking about it the other night, he said he just wasn't feeling it lately.... now we still talk all the time and still hang out always, but is this a way for him to move away from the friends with benifits, or just is tired of just sex... he was also sick recently... so maybe thats it? :dunno:

    When I hear things like that, my thoughts tend to get the best of me and I start thinking the worst, like he doesn't find me attractive, and all those types of things.....
     

Share This Page