SRS Help vIStillCare [Sorry it's so long]

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Dysfnctnl85, Sep 10, 2007.

  1. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    There were 3 major milestones or rifts in my 2 year long relationship with the girl of my dreams. Or the girl I thought I was dreaming about. When we met, I was 20 and she was 18. This may or may not be useful.

    I met her while she was seeing someone else (a long distance relationship). The connection we had could not be ignored in the least. The first time she came over to my apt (nothing sexual), she told me that she thought she had been in love for the past 2 years with her bf but when we are together she feels something on a completely different level. I saw something that I wanted so badly, and I did everything I could to get it. After she broke ties with her ex and fully recovered from that, I told her I loved her and would do anything for her (honestly) and we consummated the relationship (my first time, too, which may indicate why I'm so attached, but I assure you I would be like this with anyone I loved). We basically lived together at this time.

    Fast forward about 6 months, and she's not done with her ex. I've moved back home at this point, so we are no longer living together. She lies to me and goes to see him and she says they kissed. She's a mess for awhile, and so am I, while we try and make things work out. From that point on, we had *everything* going for us. It was a fairy-tale love, no lie, and we talked about marriage a lot, but we both wanted to finish college first. She was very close with my family and stayed with us a lot. We did *everything* together and didn't have too much of a social life outside of our relationship, which I have discovered is not healthy at all.

    Last Fall she told me that she needed space and was having a nervous breakdown. She visited family out of state for a few weeks and when she came back I pretty much moved in with her and we resumed the relationship we had before she left. School is very stressful but being together in that stress helped us manage it much better. Things couldn't be better. Then she had a second episode. I took my things and left her apt. My grades went downhill. About a month after I left, she told me she made a huge mistake. Being the guy that I am, I wanted to get back to where we were again and knew that we were capable. And so we did.

    Fast forward to late July, and she tells me she's now seeing a psychologist. Many times over the course of our relationship I told her I would do anything to make her happy (not knowing that this would be used against me). We were supposed to go out to celebrate my birthday, which was 2 months prior, but we were on vacation and didn't have a lot of time to really do anything previously. I got a text message just minutes before I was supposed to go to her house saying basically "can we do this another time?" and could we meet somewhere else, she wanted to talk. Every guy knows the "talk" thing is awful. My heart sank, my stomach churned, and I prepared for the absolute worst. She says, "remember how you said you would do anything for me? Well I need you to do this for me, and give me some time to figure things out. I'm not happy, I feel like there's a hole in me, and you can't help me." This literally hit me like a ton of bricks. She tells me this has been going on for awhile and she has been lying to me about being happy. I want to go home, but she convinces me to stay and she says she will love me like I should be loved. I should have just gone home.

    Over next 4 weeks, I would experience pain that I have never ever experienced before. I lost my best friend. And facebook makes it even worse because I see her with friends she hasn't been with in forever, smiling and having a good time. I eventually talk to her about this and she says it's all a facade -- she's leading all these "other" lives, lying to everyone, in an attempt to not stay at her (new) house all by herself thinking about things and crying. We meet a few times, and she cries EVERY time. Once the ice is broken we talk just like we used to, say how much we miss each other because Fall reminds each of us of our relationship and all of the good times we have...I find out she has been drinking and hanging out with *known* date-rapists. This angers me and I express this anger, but she says she never drinks with them, and this is all part of this facade she has concocted.

    Last Tuesday, after the long weekend, she IMs me and says she misses me, could she call me later in the week. I say of course. Last Friday we met, talked, and tried to work things out. I told her I lost my best friend and I want this to end. She cried again, saying that she is making progress (still seeing the same psychologist). She kisses me before we part. She tells me she's going to a frat party with one of her friends who is seeing someone that will be there. I tell her to be safe. We NEVER did the party thing -- we always made fun of the drunk sluts and man-whores, so this is something new to her entirely.

    A mutual friend tells me she saw her drinking and "touching" (not kissing) another guy that night and holding an open container implying that she was drinking. My ex (or whatever she should be called at this point) tells this mutual friend "not to tell" me. That Saturday we met. She says she didn't drink the night before. I tell her I just want her to be completely honest. She says she is being honest. I say, you either want me in your life, or you don't. She says "I don't know right now." I tell her it doesn't have to be this way, it doesn't make sense, and this is not the girl I know. She says "maybe this is who I am." I say, "is it because it would be too much work? Because you know it would take a lot of work to get back to where we were, but I know what we're capable of." She just cries and shakes her head. Eventually I say, "do you want me in your life?" She says "not right now." I say bye, and walked away. Walked away from my world, in a sense.

    I'm so angry, I don't know what to do. I was initially severely depressed, but now that I think that this was going on for awhile, and she says she hid it from me, it all seems like an excuse.

    My parents have already expressed the fact that she's a headcase and no longer belongs anywhere near me or us. I mean she was literally a part of my family. My mom referred to her as her "daughter-in-law."

    I'm probably going to leave out a lot here, but you can imagine what's going through my head. I care about her so much as a person, not just as a girlfriend, that I cannot believe she's spinning out of control like this. I want to call her parents and talk to them. I want to talk to her friends about it.

    If she messes around with anyone else, there's absolutely no way I could take her back. I need to have a little bit more respect for myself in this situation than I have previously.

    It's so hard to have something like this and then one day, it's just completely gone. I know the "fishes" speech because I've given it to others so many times, but I just don't care about any other fishes at this point. I'm trying to stay focused on school because graduation is only 2 semesters away...but how can someone be so cold, so heartless, so soulless?
     
  2. ///M Pilot

    ///M Pilot New Member

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    It's not about "fishes".. it's about respect, and mutual involvement.

    She doesn't know what the fuck she wants, but she wants to string you along while she figures it out.

    I'm always the optimistic one when it comes to people's relationships.. but I think this one has to be put to pasture, at least for now.
     
  3. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    Is it wrong of me to think that her being with someone else ruins my opinion of her? Is this something that can't be undone? Or is that just me being an idealist instead of a realist...

    I know I wouldn't do that to her...
     
  4. Mulsanne

    Mulsanne The Man = Funk Fusion Chaos

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    Come on man, you owe it to yourself to cut ties immediately.

    You must have listed 3-5 occastions in that story where she pretty obviously lied to you about things shes up to. I know its been a long, beautiful relationship, but clinging to something which has been over for some time (even if not officially) is just going to get you hurt.

    YOu're being disrepected and lied to almost constantly it seems. Ditch her, now.
     
  5. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I know. I'm just in disbelieve of the person she claims to be now because I KNOW who she is. She is the one who is confused. But you're right, I mean, I need to bounce back from this.

    I think if her family cared enough about her situation (meaning her psychological state) they would do something about it.

    I appreciate the words of encouragement though. It's very easy for me to look past things in a relationship that's on a level I've never had before, you know?
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You've managed to fool yourself. You willfully see only what you want to see.

    You think no one else could know your situation as precisely, and completely as you do.
    You're wrong on that too.

    Stop this one-way connection with her. She has stopped with you long ago.

    There will come a time when you had wished you'd done this sooner.
    Yes. There will.
     
  7. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I did this with my last relationship too, but I wasn't in love that time...

    I've always felt a little bit more mature than people my age, haha.
     
  8. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I honestly feel like she has amnesia and has forgotten about our relationship and who she is, it's really sad...
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Not to be harsh, brother, but she remembers everything that was worth remembering in exquisite, exacting and final detail.

    She has still chosen to move on.


    You should do the same.
     
  10. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I am, it's just a spiraling of sorts of a process...there are moments of extreme strength and then others of fear...
     
  11. johan

    johan Active Member

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    It's understandable. Moving on isn't easy and it isn't a clean and simple process.
     
  12. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I'm meeting up with some friends I haven't seen in literally years this weekend, so that's something to look forward to :).
     
  13. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    hey man , im feelin ya on this one.. im goin through a very similar thing right now with my GF/ex-GF .. whatever you want to call her now..

    short version.. i did the same thing as you... moved in with a girl .. stayed with her and did all i could for her.. trying to make her happy

    due to her being financially irresponsibile ,i have had to move back in with my parents to try to get my life in order. since i have been gone , she has been out drinkin with her girls just about every night.. till 1-2 am.. drunk driving ( in a car that i got for her , registered and insured by me) and just basically doin all the wild party stuff that she wants to do now.. though she still calls me several times a day and tells me there is no other man in her life beside me , and we are still together , just spending a lil time apart so she can get her life going, and regain a lil bit of her independance.. as like you.. we did every thing together for almost 2 years.. and yea i dont think its healthy now that im experiencing the backlash from it

    i have a hard time seeing her out havin such a good time with her friends..esp. being around guys.. even though nothng is happening ( that i know of) its still stressful as hell, im a guy i know how it works and what guys do.. i know if she is with somone that will be the end of the relationship for sure

    im gettin that pain that i have never felt before. some days its hard as hell to even get up in the morning.. but im pushing through it.. but other days like last night.. i saw her for a lil bit.. and everything felt so good.. so right.. like we may eventually get through this..

    honestly i have no idea what is going on , or where , if anywhere our relationship is going.. but im sittin here at 2:15 am .. just waiting for her to tell me she is ok..after another night of drinkin.. the worry of what can happen .. scary as hell for me.. and hence where i am..
     
  14. scx

    scx New Member

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    sorry to hear about this guys

    just like everyone else said "move on"
    seems like ur doing pretty well dsyf
    there will still be times where it hits you, just keep on fighting

    and avenger, i think you should break up with her. i think its extremely unfair that she isnt taking consideration of you being stressed like this. Get out of it, its unhealthy. You can get serious disorders from all the scares. I lost 15lbs cuz i was like you, just worried about shit. Now that ive broken up, i think it is better like this without having to worry cuz i already know it's over.
     
  15. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    OMG man. We are twins.

    It's monumental pain. It physicall hurts. And sometimes I just want to cry about it and get it all out, but I can't.
     
  16. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I'm giving it my best to try and stay sane. Facebook has been the hardest thing...I finally ended our relationship on there. And I'm wondering if I should go through the trouble of removing all the pics of us.

    It's so hard because I blame myself for everything. I elevated her to this higher standard, I put her on a pedestal, because that's how I want the woman in my life to feel -- she is the most important thing to me. I wanted her to feel that way. And now elevating her like that has broken me down in the worst way. All of the things that I ignored throughout our relationship are now surfacing and it's very easy to say "she wasn't for me because she didn't do this or this, etc" but that's just a really awful approach to everything.

    I'm surrounding myself with people who care about me, but at the same time I know how people work and I'm skeptical of the compliments they give me to boost my self-esteem. Do they really mean what they say? Or are they just trying to make me feel better?

    Did my girlfriend really love me? Or did she just say that to make me happy?

    I'm trying not to dwell...this is my best outlet, along with a few of my closest friends, for letting out everything that's been bound up inside of me for the last month and a half...

    I thank you all for that.
     
  17. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    yea i know what your sayin man.. it hurts.. at times.. just really depends on how the day goes.

    finishing up on my story last night, she never answered any of my calls/txt messages all night .. i was up all night part worried/part mad at her/and part just coudlnt sleep.

    she called me at 7 am to say yes she was ok , and it was just a really rough night. and yes she was very drunk and did procede to drive herself home, saying that she had no one to give her a ride.. but my phone never rang.. her excuse being she was so drunk she couldnt even dial. not much of an excuse if ya ask me. she just doesnt seem all that concerned that i was worried about her. and concerned for her well being/safety , and not having my insurance rates skyrocket due to her poor choices

    all this is relating back to her newfound freedom , and now her 2 close (girl)friends are in some sort of convoluted love triangle.. with one girl sleeping with another girls ex-man , but she is married and she is goin thru a divorce. its all craziness, she is trying to be there for her friends.. but is just following the same self-destructive path they are, out drinkin every night till all hours of the night..

    At the same time im trying to keep it goin with us.. cause when its on , it feels great.. and we might actually get through this, im not quite ready to bail on her yet.. i have far too much time , money , and engergy invested in it, but i dont really see her putting the effort (right now) , or really caring about my concerns, even though she says we are still together... she is spending most if not all of her free time with her friends.. and very little with me.. i dont really know what is goin thru her head.. she calls me and talks to me all the time , but as far as spending time and doing things together it is becoming almost non-existant. Yet she is able on a whim to take off for a weekend to go camping (which may or may not happen due to her girls fighting )with her friends.. yet ignore me all week.


    I really think she needs to re-focus her life and decide what is important.. which should be . Being a Mother to her kids , Being a Faithful Fiancee to me , and then being a good friend to her friends.. if she keeps it up , she eventually drive me away completely, there is only so long that i can run this route and not get anywhere

    sorry for the long drawn out post.. but yea sometimes it just feels good, and you want to be there for that person no matter what to make them happy , as they made you happy once.. at other times , you just cant understand how somone can be so cold and careless


    Dysfnctnl85 : if ya wanna talk sometime hit me up on aim/yahoo SN: Venge97RI. Maybe some of our experiences will help each other.. and talking is always a good way to let off a lil steam.
     
  18. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    By nature, I like to *reason* things through. The absence of reason in my situation is what drives me insane. She doesn't know the reason why she is depressed, or missing something, but claims that I can't help her. She pushed me away...and tells me that she doesn't want to lie to me anymore. I still don't know what that means, and not being able to reason through this or talk to her about it makes my head spin. Her friends are NOT good people, her parents are NOT good people, and the people that she's hanging out with now are also NOT good people.

    I think I mentioned this, but she was away for most of the Summer because she got an internship (which I was totally happy for her about). After the two week internship, she spent 2 more weeks or so seeing friends and relatives near her internship. It was really rough having that distance because we had talked up all of the things we would be doing over the Summer and it was her choice. But if I had the same opportunity, I probably would have done the same thing, so I got over it.

    When she came back, she prioritized her time such that her friends were the focal point. She took time off from her job to go with one of her friends to Florida to see some old high school friends. I was absolutely jealous of her friends for getting all of her attention. She never once took off work to come see me, meanwhile I'm working my ass off in school and working. It's degrading. Was that wrong to feel that way?

    Why did I take all of this? Why did I stay with someone I had hard time trusting? Because I saw a different person. I saw the girl the way I saw her when we first met. It was explosive. There's just no other way to describe it. I forgave her for being irresponsible in some cases

    My friends contend, and even a mutual friend of ours, that I can do better. That I'm wasting my time right now and I should just move on. My parents gave up on her and she's no longer allowed in our house. I know they just want to protect me and they don't want to see me in this state. I can't help the way I feel. Maybe I'm stubborn. I even told her this just last week -- we were both insanely stubborn: her for doing this to me, and me for allowing her to do it. She even said she felt like she was just dragging me along. Well she is, but I could let go. As much as I want this pain to go away, how inhuman would it be to give up on her? She gave up on me so on principal I should give up on her? I don't want to be ANYTHING like how she's treating the situation. I'm not going to stitch up the holes in me with something temporal and ultimately meaningless in the scheme of things.

    I don't know what she's going through -- I have no way of knowing. But it has caused her to question who she is. I've always thought it had everything to do with her family. Her parents have an unhappy marriage; her sister can't keep a guy; it's like because they aren't happy, she can't be happy. And she used to be.

    I can only hope that she's going to figure that out and ultimately realize what she has done. I would love to resolve this in some way that we can both agree to. Right now I'm just staying away. That's the only thing I can control at this time. And writing. Writing a lot. And telling my story to anyone who will listen...
     
  19. ///M Pilot

    ///M Pilot New Member

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    Holy HELL I know that feeling.

    There was always a certain feeling of hopelessness and/or pointlessness that came along with my relationships. I've been in two LTRs, one for 4 years and this current one for the last 4. I finally attributed it to that -- my parents marriage being shitty for 20 something years, and my mother continually telling me NOT to get married, settle down, have kids...whatever.

    I finally said fuck that shit. Just because they weren't happy doesn't mean I can't be. I'm working on reversing a lot of that damage right now and I seem to be doing pretty well at it.. but it's a fucking process and a half, that's for sure.
     
  20. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    Want to talk to her for me? Haha.

    They are *very* negative individuals. When we first met she would often spend the weekends away from school at my house. We both live within an hour or so of school.
     
  21. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I ran into her at the gym today. I saw her from a distance...and quickly went into the locker room because I was done. When I came out, she said "hey...how are you doing?" I gave her the look...the one of "you know how I feel." She looked into my eyes and asked why they were bloodshot. I gave her the same look. She started to tear up a little bit...

    I asked her if she had anything to say to me, and she said "yeah that I'm sorry I was such a bitch on Saturday." She's sick with the same thing I've got...it seems to be going around at school unfortunately. I told her that I wasn't going to say anything to her and she said "I know." I told her I had "like, a million questions to ask" and she said..."will you email me?" I said "if you promise to answer." She said "I will, I might not tonight though." I said, "I know you have your own life..." and she rolled her eyes (obviously assuming I meant the partying I've heard about) and she said she had a mentor meeting with a freshman.

    I was running late for class so I said bye. As I walked up the stairs to leave, we both turned to look at each other at the same time.

    What can I do with this opportunity? Everyone has their limits, and she's obviously not stable at the moment, so what do I do?

    Do I tell her this theory I've fabricated -- that she wants to explore herself from the standard college thing and she doesn't want to be in a relationship -- or tell her everything I've been thinking and feeling lately?

    I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. But I genuinely smiled for the first time since Saturday.
     
  22. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    dunno man , since im in the same boat i can tell ya what im doin right now , dont really know if any of it will apply to your situation.

    Right now me and my girl are just takin it easy.. trying to work things out and spend time together when we can , which isnt too often at the moment ( she has a camping trip with her girls this weekend, and is running around tryin to get all that stuff completed)

    we did talk on the phone last night.. which was the 1st night this week she hasnt been out drinkin , and it seems like reality is hitting her , and thats not good.. she realizes that she is in trouble as far as money goes , due to losing her job on tuesday, and that things with us are rocky right now, and that is due to some of her poor choices she is making lately.

    But she still says she loves me , is still my Fiancee , and is definitly not out lookin for a new guy , or been with anyone since me.. and i repeated those things back to her.. i still love her , im still her fiancee , and i im not out lookin for girls , or have been with any since her.

    the only part that is upsetting her is that i want to keep talking about it( just my logical side , and somewhat worried side coming out), and really doesnt. just wants to take things as they come.. we are still committed to each other, its just a lil different than what is has been, which i can deal with .

    when i told her i may have my own plans for next weekend she was a lil upset , i guess because she wanted to try to spend time together, and i told her if she is serious about that i'll change my plans and try to make *US* a priority. gonna have to wing it and see how it goes.. i'll try to see her tonight if we can before she leaves.. and maybe on sunday or monday (when i'll hopefully get my GTO out of the shop)

    the heartache seems to be gone , at least when i hear her say those things to me , is important to me that she still wants me in her life , to keep this going , i know a lot of couples go thru rocky times.. i just really hope that we can get through this , and get back togther stronger and more in love than ever..

    PS i was also considering having some flowers sent to her next week as it is an anniversary of ours , nothing too big just somthing nice to show her that i do still care about her.. thoughts????
     
  23. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I'm happy that you've been able to reconcile things in small steps -- that seems to be the best approach. You sound like you are a very devoted person and I can appreciate, respect, and understand that because I feel like I am that kind of person. I also worry that I let people take advantage of this quality though.

    I thought about sending her flowers as well, but I was trying to deal with the space issue first and not trying to press things too much. When you present an ultimatum in a situation like this, I fear that it will never go the way of the person giving it.

    Music has been a catalyst for defining how I feel because I don't always have the best words or know how to take what I'm feeling and turn it into something tangible.

    You're a car guy too? Awesome.
     
  24. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    Johnston , RI
    yea i got a 04 GTO , that has been in the shop for a few months .. took it to a service station to get the state inspection done.. the dumbass mechanic took it on a " test drive" and crashed into a jeep.. so the car has been out of commission for the last 10 weeks or so.. but i should have it back soon

    i definitly know what your sayin about the devotion issue though , trust me.. when she was goin through really hard times with her kids. and no job and all that , i took it upon myself to support her through all of it.. emotionally and financially... and that is what i feel really triggered things.. money became extremely tight.. and that was the only thing we ever fought about .. money.. never about anything else.. which can be a real disaster, and definitly tore us apart.. which is why i left the apartment we had and went back to my parents.. so i could get myself back on my feet, now that i have a clear look at my bills , and my income, its gettin better and im not randomly blowin money. and trying to save for the future.

    i guess the positive thing i have seen out of all this is when we talk on the phone now ( last night and a couple times today) we are back to " i love you" at the end of the call.. its just somthing important to me.. that we say it and mean it.. cause in reality ya never know what could happen.. and i dont want the last thing i say to her , or her say to me , be somthing bad . Also when i left on monday night we kissed on the lips ( again nothing big , but when its not there you can definitly see it ) and we said we loved each other.. again somthing small , but that is very important to me ,shows we are still close, and there is still love there..

    not sure on the flowers thing yet.. i gotta see if i'll have any money 1st anyway.. oct 1st will be 21 months that we are together.. its big to me.. my longest serious relationship . jan 1st 08 will be 2 years.

    i thought , and still feel that she will be my wife ..i just hope things get better :hsd::noes:

    good luck to ya man.. hope u 2 can work things out.. just take it slow and try not to overwhelm her with things.. its hard i know..

    but i know right now with my GF i cant be like i once was with her ( kissing,touching,sleeping together) she isnt quite there yet.. but that may change in the next week or so , if progress keeps being made..
     
  25. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I remember when we stopped doing that...when I felt like nothing I said was being returned to me.

    I miss those days when she would call me just to say that she loved me. That's when I knew everything was real.

    I'll get through this, one way or the other, but my underlying problem is trying to throw reason in the ring with her emotions/feelings and who knows if that is a fight reason can win...

    Good luck and I hope that you two continue to take small steps. If I can get to that point I will do the same, whether it be towards a relationship with her again or towards a new stage in my life where I am on my own.
     

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