SRS Help me interpret my gf's actions (Long, but Cliff's Notes)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Falconer, Jul 3, 2006.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    My gf and I have been together for just over 6 months. I'm 25 and she's 26. Here is a Cliff's Notes history of our relationship:

    - We start dating and everything is absolutely perfect. We fell in love fast. It's seriously the best relationship I've ever been in (even better than with a girl I dated for 3.5 years that I was supposed to marry)

    - One night a few months into it she says she needs a "break." This came as a shock to me because everything was perfect up until this point. I agree to the break because you can't really argue with someone about that.

    - The next DAY she emails me and tells me how much she loves me and misses me and how she doesn't like the break, etc., and wants to get back together. I agree.

    - Things go back to being very good.

    - About once a month, the above situation repeats itself only in different ways.

    Now, before you go dismissing my gf as being crazy, every serious relationship she's been in has ended with her being cheated on. She has told me that she's scared to completely open her heart up again, which is understandable.

    Under normal circumstances, I would ditch her, because this is annoying as hell. However, other than "not knowing what she wants," this girl is absolutely everything I could want in a girl. Just imagine your own perfect dream girl in every aspect...

    Now, she has been confusing the hell out of me recently because she'll alternate between wanting to spend a ton of time together and telling me how much she loves me and can't picture her life without me in it, to saying that she needs time alone and will break plans at the last minute, etc. It's getting really annoying. The thing that pisses me off the most is that she doesn't like having "relationship talks," which drives me nuts because I hate not knowing what's going on... you know?

    I can understand needing alone time and all that, but there is no trend to her behavior. She'll go from being all lovey-dovey one minute to like all distant the next, and I'm like wtf? Every day she'll txt msg me throughout the day with little stuff about how work is going or about missing me, etc. What does that mean? Like, "I don't want to see you but I want to txt you all the time?" uh... translate this into something a guy can understand, please.

    So what does this mean?

    I'm supposed to go visit her tomorrow cuz she has off of work (unless she cancels again). I think she and I need to have a talk, and I also think that, at this point, if she's not willing to discuss WTF is going on, that I should take that as a sign that this relationship is not that important to her.

    I can understand that she's been hurt in the past, and it kind of pisses me off that she opened herself up to guys who were assholes which basically fvcked her over, but how much should I have to deal with that?

    Like I said, if this girl wasn't otherwise totally perfect, I wouldn't be putting up with this. I feel like if we can get through the BS that everything will be good, you know?

    I also know that she's really stressed out from her job, but if she sucks this much with a little bit of job stress, what's going to happen in the future if something big comes up, right?

    I guess this is my main question:

    In all my relationships (I mean the serious ones like where you actually see a future with the person), I have put the relationship above all else. I have turned down jobs that were far away for the sake of relationships, etc., and I never regretted it. I have always believed that when the right person comes around nothing else matters. The whole "I just don't want to be in a relationship right now" line is just an excuse for letting someone down who isn't the right person for you (I've used that excuse before because I just wasn't crazy about the girl). So assuming that is correct, if her being "stressed out from work" is putting a strain on our relationship, do I just assume that I'm not the right person for her? I know that with me, I don't care how stressed I am at work, I still look forward to seeing my gf every day, etc. So if she's not willing to discuss and work through things, should I just assume that she's not that into it and move on? That would be hard because I'm totally crazy about her, and when she opens up to me she tells me how crazy she is about me and etc., but I feel like I'm putting in most of the work in this relationship. So, it's not out of line to expect the same out of my gf, is it?

    Holy long ass post.

    Thanks.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Actually i can see in a blink of an eye what your gf is doing or as a matter of fact what state she is in. She is afraid of comittment, that's all there is too it. She wants to be with you but is in fear of the hurt you might impose on her (like her previous boyfriends) , this explains the weird ass txt messages like ' i want to be with you, but still i don't' The answer is YES she does wants to be with you, i think that what she mainly seeks is reassurance that you will never hit or hurt her. A relationship is all about being together but still letting the other being able to do their own thing, be warned tho a girl can pick up her bags and leave any time. But with her its different, you need to give her security and confidence that she is making the right choice to stay with you. You sorta need to do it in a more trickier way, how about giving her a ring?
     
  3. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    I assume that when women do weird things like that they are "testing" you.

    If she thinks you have potential, but is not attracted to you AT THAT TIME, or even if she is, she will throw out a test that will give you a chance to prove yourself. She will do something that is "not right" in some way. This creates tension, which helps increase attraction if you respond correctly, or kills it if you don't.

    For example, she may hand you a some waste paper and tell you to throw it out as if you were her servant. This one comes to mind cause a girl did this to me today, but these tests could be almost anything, this includes excessive gushing and lovey doveyness. You should have a gut instinct for when you're being tested. Something just shouldn't feel right about the way she's acting. The first tests may feel like "playful disrespect" or teasing, but if you dont respond to those right they will end up as just "disrespect." The point is to test your boundries, and see if you're the wuss she thinks you are or to solidify your standing as self assured and powerful. If you fail too many or sometimes even one of these tests, its over.

    Never lose your cool, or lecture her. You have to be confident in your feelings and trust your instinct that something is not right. Call her on it, preferably with humor and cockyness. If she doesn't want to hang out, or changes plans suddenly, say "okay, if I'm not too busy maybe I'll let you hang out with me some other day." And hang up. Somtimes these test can be more playful, like the "do this for me" thing. You can simply joke that you're not her servant, and that she should be doing that for you instead. Let her know that you will not give into bratty behavior. Let her know you're onto her games and they aren't going to phase you.

    Lecturing will not solve anything, not even a parent lecturing a child will really do much. And you're not her dad. Let her know that you have solid personal boundries that you are so confident in enforcing that you can make a game out of it.

    I don't know how much respect she still has for you after seemingly dragging you along and seeing you're still there. Don't let her push you around. Either end it, or start workin towards learning and protecting your boundries with her.

    Think back and remmeber that friend you had who would always do everything someone asked of him and let people walk all over him. Didn't that person piss you off a little? You just want to smack them and tell them to stand up for themselves for chrissakes. These tests are a more suble way pushing you to see if there is anything to push against. The fact she's giving you tests isn't necessarily a bad thing, failing them is bad and will eventually kill the relationship.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2006
  4. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    So I should put up with it for longer? I really love this girl, but it's starting to get REALLY annoying, especially when I plan my day one way because we have plans and then she cancels at the last minute.
     

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