SRS help me get past it

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by richbitch1, Feb 9, 2008.

  1. richbitch1

    richbitch1 Peace OUT!!

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    my husband of three years (we've been together for four and have a son) and I had an "altercation" about six months back. it did turn violent, no one in particular to blame, but i still hold serious anger issues about it. I love him and know that hes not the type of person who would normally turn violent. Mind you its no excuse but there was a massive amount of alcohol involved. I AM NOT a violent person...I can understand making a mistake...we are all only human after all. I guess what i'm asking is if any kind of therapy for myself would help to resolve the issue...he has been doing everything he's been ordered to do by the court and really trying to make some serious changes in his life...i truly believe he is sorry and it won't happen again..he hasn't had a drop to drink since. How do i get past this for the sake of our kids and keep our family together? Please don't make fun of this i am running out of places to go to with this.
     
  2. richbitch1

    richbitch1 Peace OUT!!

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    someone please give me some advice on this...have made appt. with therapist, gotten anti depression meds, but still am not sure how to quit blaming him for what happened...advice is greatly needed...
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    One question that's not 100% clear from your post, who turned violent? Did your husband beat you or was it you that turned violent? Later in your post you mention him not drinking and doing everything to get past this so I'm going to assume it was him that got violent. It wasn't a mutual violence thing was it?

    As a recovering alcoholic I can assure you that violence is quit common among drunks. This kind of violence can take the form of bar fights, friend fights and spousal abuse. Some people even abuse elderly and their own parents. Yeah....there's some pretty awful shit that goes on in this world.

    I know guys that are the nicest guys in the world, now that they are sober, yet they admit that while they were still "practicing alcoholics" (which means they weren't sober in the program of AA), that they would regularly beat their wives. They've also talked about the humiliation and guilt that accompanied these beatings where they felt absolutely terrible for doing what they did yet they simply couldn't control themselves.

    I've also talked to the women that have been on the receiving end of these beatings and they describe not "accepting" that the beating actually occurred. They were simply so traumatized that they tried to minimize and rationalize the beatings and even came to accept them as part of a "normal" life. It's hard for many people, not involved in this shit, to understand.....even though spousal abuse is very common.

    Now I'm not trying to diagnose your husband as an alcoholic but the fact that alcohol was involved is a huge red flag. Alcoholism is a progressive disease meaning it starts out with a lot of seemingly social drinking. Most drunks talk about the good times and usually are able to be very productive in their lives before the disease got really bad.

    As their diseases progressed, they talk about crossing lines that they promised themselves they would never cross. There are many, many lines that people make and the unique combination of lines is different for everyone but some of the more common ones include: buying drugs, drinking alone, and spousal abuse.

    These lines, as I'm calling them, are things that we alcoholics just don't want to cross....for whatever reason. It's usually rooted in some definition of a "bad person" that we have in our minds. For me, I had a line of not buying drugs. I was a "good person" so long as I only used drugs...but if I ever bought them, then I'd know that I have a real problem and should prolly seek help.

    You know what though? When I bought my first 1/4 bag of pot, I thought, "Holy crap, I've just crossed that line but so fucking what.....look at all this pot and how much fun I'm going to have smoking it. It was a stupid line to set up anyways.....I don't know why I was so stupid to set that line. I'm still not as bad of a person as I thought I would be. Fuck it.....erase the line."

    See what happened there? I set a line to "monitor" my usage so that if I ever crossed it, I knew I was in trouble. Then when I actually crossed the line, I rationalized and justified my crossing it and ultimately either moved or erased the line. Sure I may have, in sober moments, said I crossed the line, I need to reestablish the line and never do that again. But there would eventually come a time when I would cross it again.....only this next time, it was much, much easier. Why?

    Because I had crossed it before and the world didn't end.....at the end of the day, I was still me and I was still a "good person" so I realized I could actually cross the line and survive. So the next time the line was presented and I had to make a choice on whether or not to cross it, I crossed it.....eventually I crossed it so much I just got rid of it.....well sort of. I don't forget too easily and from time to time I would remember the line. Quite often I would chuckle at how naive I was back then. This happened over and over and over again as my disease progressed.

    Like I said before, spousal abuse is one of these lines that a lot of alcoholics set up. I had it set up also but I wasn't married so my line was with g/f. Thankfully I found help before I ever crossed that line.

    So perhaps your husband isn't an alcoholic and perhaps this was enough of a wake up call for him to change. However, going with the numbers of other people that have crossed these lines.....once they are crossed, it's so much easier the next time one crosses it.

    I would suggest you seek help from battered women's organizations. I would also suggest you consider attending Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a program for the loved ones of alcoholics/addicts or anyone that loves someone that may have a problem with alcohol and drugs. Most spouses don't want to go to Al-Anon because they say, "It's not my problem, he's the one that drinks...it's his problem".

    Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that you chose such a personality to live with is an indication that you may need help also. Not only that, living with a drunk/addict can be extraordinarily difficult because "normal people" (a/k/a non-addicts) just don't understand the complex emotions involved. That's why groups like Al-Anon exist....because these people have been there and lived with all the goofy shit that goes on.

    I would hope that you would seek help for yourself immediately. Time is precious and I would NOT encourage you to be so quick to simply forgive and forget. A line seems to have been crossed and next time, it will be easier to cross. I actually had someone say to me, "You know what the good thing about guilt is?" I said, "No...what?" He said, "It goes away."

    :hug: Good Luck and God Bless!
     
  4. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    ^^ Listen to this one. He's a sharp cookie.

    Like Coottie said- He already crossed the line. How easy is it going to be for him to cross it again? Cause it's always easier the second time around...

    Tread lightly my dear...
     
  5. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    I am getting this idea that the OP is prone to violent outbursts too...
     
  6. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Me too....which is why I was a little confused after reading her post.
     
  7. richbitch1

    richbitch1 Peace OUT!!

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    it has taken me a while to respomd to this...i read all the responses and the DO make sense to me...No, i am not a violent person, and he has never been in five years either. I have my own issues with alcohol, i will be the first to admit that, one is too many and a million aren't enough. I do love my husband deeply. I don't want to believe this is the type of person he is. I know him. he is not an abuser. we fight. everyone does. this is one time it got out of control due to a high concentration of alcohol. No, that is not an excuse, but i was also involved in the fight that lead to all of this happening. we have a kid and i want to do the right thing. i can forgive one mistake, but i will not forget a second one. I suppose i am too passive and let people walk over me. he's my husband. i love him. hes not perfect but i want to try to put this behind us and move forward with our lives. how do i explain to him without hurting him how i feel? I do still have bad feelings about what happened, but i still also love him. we have a child together and i dont want to make a decision that will affect our son also. respond if you wish with any more input you might have. its always god to have an outside opinion.
     
  8. richbitch1

    richbitch1 Peace OUT!!

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    I AM SO NOT A VIOLENT PERSON..I NEVER UNDERSTOOD VIOLENCE...IT JUST MAKES NO SENSE AND PROVES NOTHING.
     
  9. hbrown023

    hbrown023 New Member

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    You might not ever get past it. It might creep back into your thoughts 10 years from now but when you start to get upset about it you have the power to control your own emotions. Swallow hard and try to focus on something positive and act on that rather than anger. It's really really hard and it's much easier said than done..it's what I try to do every time I think about things my SO has done to me. Hopefully it helps you. Best of luck.
     
  10. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    Some things, you just never get past.

    I loved my husband, still sort of do, but he did something years ago that I just can not seem to be able to let go of, forget, get past, whatever. We're now seperated and more than likely divorcing. Sometimes, it's best to just let the unhealthy relationships go. If you both have drinking issues, then perhaps it's best that you aren't together, especially if either one (or both) wants to get sober. Sometimes, you can't be with the one you love because they're just as much of an enabeler as they are a hinderance. KWIM?
     
  11. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Ok....well that's good but IMO once these lines are crossed, even if we go back to the other side and resume more normal behavior....what has really happened is we have simply moved that line. So while the line used to read, "I don't beat my wife" the new line reads, "I don't regularly beat my wife".

    Why is this an important distinction? Because I don't think you can cross lines like spousal abuse and just suddenly realize you don't want to do that again and change. It might be that he feels really bad for a long time but eventually he will go back to that behavior, unless he seeks help.
    Yep, that's how I am and I'm an alcoholic. Perhaps you should seek help in AA. Just find a meeting in your area and go....then you can make up your own mind about that. If you need help finding a meeting, look in the phone book under the business section for Alcoholics Anonymous. It's usually a hotline staffed by other alcoholics. So just call and ask where a meeting is that's close to you.
    Well there's no question that you had a part to play. Rarely are fights ever one sided. But there are things that are unacceptable in any context and IMO spousal abuse is one of those things. We guys are generally stronger, bigger and more physical than women. It's simply not ok to physically beat on a woman. It just isn't. Unfortunately many women agree yet they stay with their abusive spouses because, "Well <insert excuse #1> OR <insert excuse #2> OR etc...." Now these excuses sound really logical and rational and it seems the person is making a smart decision. The problem it, these excuses can keep women in abusive relationships long after it's become very unhealthy to stay.

    One time....well, I don't think it's ok but you do. The question I have is, when is it too much? I mean lets say he waits 2 years before doing this again....well, now it's twice but then you may say, "hey, at least he doesn't beat me on a regular basis." Notice that that sentence is just moving and erasing another line....like I've been talking about in this thread.

    Now all this drama can be very addictive also. I know I loved all the drama from when I was drinking. It was fun and I loved it....even if it made me crazy at times.
    That's totally understandable. I would suggest you seek professional help ASAP in the form of therapy with someone that's dealt with alcoholism and spousal abuse. Yes you should ask the therapist how much experience they've had with this. They need to have experience in dealing with all the ins and outs and trickery that goes along with alcoholism.....so they need years of experience in dealing with drunks directly. Not just book knowledge, they need to know what it's like to live in the trenches of alcoholism.
    A therapist can help with this. Ignoring the problems in your relationship will not just make them go away. They're far too complex to just wish them away. You all have a lot of work to do both individually and as a couple and you need help with this work.
    What you don't realize, what you may not be aware of....is how perceptive kids are. If you came from an abusive home then you know what it's like. Parents don't think their kids know what's going on between mommy and daddy but they usually DO know.

    I would suggest therapy and AA. What you are describing here just rings so true with what I've experienced while I was drinking. I didn't want to believe I was an alcoholic but I was. I didn't think all the drama and shit in my life was due to alcoholism....but it was. I honestly thought, "Everyone fights, everyone has drama, everyone has difficult lives. I'm no different than anyone else." But I was and I didn't fully realize that until I got help from AA.
     
  12. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    How could you NOT think you needed therapy. Therapy always helps if you are honest with them.
     

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