Help me get over my ex...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Timer, Aug 27, 2008.

  1. Timer

    Timer Guest

    Long story short, she lost feelings and it was unexplainable on her part - she even acknowledged that nothing changed between us. She's young, and has huge commitments, and it was random because she felt this way a week before school started again, and a month before that she came up and was perfect.

    it's been four days since she dumped me, and she was my first long term serious girlfriend. Both admitted to having thoughts of continuing it for a long time.

    She denied friends with benefits, but wants to stay friends, close friends. I told her okay, but I haven't talked to her since we had our last post-breakup closure conversation.

    My 3 questions...
    1) How does someone lose feelings? Apparantly this came happen for no reason.
    2) Would cutting communication win her back?
    3) Side question, a group of girls and you're without a wingman. Method of approach?
     
  2. fray

    fray New Member

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    1) Because the relationship isn't right for one of many reasons. Or because the feelings were forced or weren't really there in the first place. (Regardless of what she may have said. You really need to just believe that she doesn't have feelings for you now and let it go.)
    2) No, but cutting communication will help you to move on, which is what you need to do.
     
  3. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    Bolded part = NO NO NO NO NO don't do it. You will just end up hurting yourself more. Now onto your specific questions.

    1. It can happen, but I would say there is almost always a reason whether or not the person knows what that is. I've "lost" feelings before, but it's usually because I don't like what that person has become, or I now see what they always were but I just didn't notice before. It's not so much "losing" them as a gradual change.

    2. Playing the uninterested and "hard to get" card can sometimes work, but honestly I think you'll just get hurt more if it does work. More than likely she'll come back to you because she wants you to pay her attention, then you'll get comfortable in your relationship again and she'll once again lose interest.

    3. Well after reading various posts here the general thought seems to be to approach the group as a whole and engage them all (while maybe paying less attention to the one you find most attractive). The win her friends over and you'll win her over idea. What to say as an opener etc would all depend on you and the specific situation. Be friendly, outgoing and funny and you should be set.

    4. Try and move on from this girl, otherwise you'll just get hurt more.
     
  4. Timer

    Timer Guest

    Thanks. I only told her okay so I don't burn bridges. The reason why she lost feelings, according to her (which relates to what she said before we were official) is that she doesn't know what she wants and wants to get an education while in college and experience it.
     
  5. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You just said you were feeling better :( Analyzing th shit out of the sitaution eont really get you anywhere hun. In fact, I think it's quite obvious what happened.
    1.
    *She's 19 years old
    *She went from a 3 year relationship straight to a year long relationship with you
    *She's starting her 2nd year of college
    *She wants to experience freedom and being single during the most life-changing years
    2. :confused: You said you were over trying to win her back? All I can say again is why would you want to try and win someone back who obviously didn't have enough love for you to try and keep you together? There's no point trying to get someone to "see the light" as if the light means you should be together. If you were meant to be you'd be together and she'd fight to stay with you.

    You need to cut contact. While it's nice she wants to stay friends it's not reasonable for you. You are nowhere near over her and you never will get over her if you see her or even talk to her here and there as if you are only "friends."

    If cutting the contact for some reason makes her pull the FAR too common "I've missed you and realized I made a mistake!" realize you are falling for the most common line from a girl in all time. If you for some reason think 3 months later that she's learned the errors of her eway and decide to take her back that's up to you :dunno: I personally think you'll be limiting yourself.

    3. I'd say single one out at first, but I'm no PUA
     
  6. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    Burn bridges? Why do you want to remain friends with her? How will it benefit you? I'm betting it is so you can keep her around hoping that she will change her mind? Dude, you'll just get frustrated and annoyed by remaining friends with her, cut all contact.

    If keeping yourself in a good mental state requires you to burn some bridges, then fucking burn those bridges!
     
  7. Timer

    Timer Guest

    :wavey: I love hearing from you. I'll tell you why, and trust me. Before we started dating she said exactly what you listed for #1, but she got into it. If you saw how we were, the entire year it was seriously, no homo, magical. The most unbealivable thing ever. When we had closure talks, she said she's even confused on what she's feeling when she's in front of me...but still feels that I deserve more because at this moment she wants to focus on other things.

    I still love this girl, I'm not going to deny it. I honestly would say that if she got in touch with me a few years down the road post-college we'd be married (hypothetically -- that's how strong it was).

    I don't want to communicate anymore, but I dont' want it to be odd if we run into each other. At this point it isn't weird we ended it in a good way. But I'm the type of person who wants a relationship that will last long term. I understand that most women are not looking for this in college, but does that mean I should go have random flings and then post college look for a wife? i ask that with seriousness.

    I also feel like I have NO game. I have gotten a few numbers already, but I'm interested in none of them for a few reasons. I feel timid... and I know she's in pain too. her biggest problem was her inability to communicate what she was feeling.

    There's a part of me which knows because it is my first serious relationship, this is atypical feelings and the next will quell this thought. However, it was sooo good, even MANY others saw this, that the randomness and fact that it ended surprised many.
     
  8. uwofrost

    uwofrost New Denver Crew

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    3. if you have friends your out with but none are a "wingman" there needs to be a debate of somesort for you to have the group of girls settle. This engages them all and you do it in a non threat way. Also can help your friends that have no balls. have worked for me several times. Just make sure you dont get stuck with the ugly one. girls do dibs too so be aware of how they position themselves after the initial encounter.
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I completely understand. What I'm trying to say (I'm digging deep into my memories of being fresh out of a long-term relationship going into college). Women are constantly thinking. Thinking about their SO, what they want from a man, is this the man I can seriously consider settling down with? etc. So you've got to step back and realize she's 19 years old! A 19 year old girl who has never known anything other than long-term relationships and while I'm sure she had love feelings for you they just weren't strong enough. They weren't strong enough to knock away the thoughts and temptations of "hmm, it would be pretty fun to meet and flirt with any guy I want." Or, "it would be fun to go to that club with my girlfriends and not have to worry about telling guys off." I know you are hurting so it's hard for you to focus on those kinds of truths but you have to accept it. I hope that at some point you also will look back and think fondly of the relationship but how "I'm glad that ended because I met ____ and ____ and went ____ and did ______."

    So many other important things will happen in your life in the next 3 years at college and you could easily think back on how much you yourself have changed. And while it's fine to daydream now that this could be the woman you would marry years from now in a few years you could laugh hard at yourself. I remember thinking I had a great love in college and when I got further towards the end and out into the real world and started I guess what you could call a more "adult" relationship (having your own place, living together, so on) I laughed at my former thinking.

    You can just tell her once more that you would love to be friends, but it's just not going to happen any time soon. You never have sounded bitter or angry at her so she has no reaosn to get upset with you but just understand how you're feeling and leave you be. If you happen to see her out while it hurts you give her a wave or quick hello and go on your way.

    And you do whatever you want. I personally never listened to my older friends and family about having LTR in high school and regretted that. Once I got to college I said, "This is silly. I should be having fun and should worry about my future husband in 8-10 years." Now of course if a guy came along that made me change my views I would go with the flow. I don't regret for one second the insanely fun time I had in college being single and dating casually. It was fantastic! I met my current bf senior year and wasn't even sure then if I wanted anything serious but it just happened to pan out that way :dunno:

    No one says you have to get over her ASAP by going out with many other women, though I do worry if you don't put yourself out there you will continue to dwell and become a hermit or afraid of women. Going on casual dates can be a really great experience. You don't have to put pressure on yourself or the date itself to work out. You just go to meet a new woman who could possibly even become a friend :dunno: And props on getting the numbers :bigthumb: Keep it up. I say call the one you are most intrigued by.
     
  10. Timer

    Timer Guest

    iwishyouwerebeer, I can't thank you enough for your time. It's seriously therapeutical.

    There is a girl I'd love to just talk to because she's really cool, but that's it. For reasons that are in her control, I couldn't become attracted to her - frosh (I'm a junior) but she's a former coke addict, pot head, smokes cigarettes, almost anorexic. She's into the same type of music though, and I dug our conversation. If we'd meet up, it's purely just to hang out...she's hot facially though lol. Plus, I know she's into me.

    It's odd, right now I just LOVE talking and not hitting on women. It's so soothing. Is this normal?

    Between you and I, I know for a fact that she thought that if she wanted one day on a weekend to do something with just her girlfriends that I could become jealous or freak out (her ex's were like this, so she wrongly assumed I would be). I told her I wouldn't, but this was post breakup and I had no awareness before hand of it.

    In reality, there are many, many women out there. Many who could treat me better, ones who could do things at different stages. I just have to become accustomed to doing the whole thing of saying "hi" and being funny (note the pressure) and then executing a good few dates. But hey, if the girl finds a confident guy attractive...then what cares.

    Either way, I know if a woman denies me, it is their loss. I like that mental idea.
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I think it's actually a great thing that at the moment you are just interested in talking to women. You can learn alot about women that way when your main focus isn't getting in their pants or jumping into a relationship. Hell, they say the best relationships start when you aren't even looking for one (myself included)!

    With the ex-druggie I'd say try and hang out with her, but in a friends setting with others. If she does happen to put it out there that she likes you you pretty much have to say the dreaded you think she's great but aren't ready for a relationship of any kind and prefer her as a friend :mb:
     
  12. Timer

    Timer Guest

    I'd do her though....that's about it. I wouldn't want anything more though.

    Hey, tell me what you think. of this....I'm SO tempted to try it for fun.

    http://www.seductiontuition.com/tyler-durden/plant-and-stare.html
     
  13. Dave_Ellis

    Dave_Ellis Very Impotent Person

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    Pretty same thing happened to me, my gf is the same age (She's 19, I'm 20). I was picking up on some weird signals the last couple weeks, she dodged my date notions and whatnot. Then she told me I needed to come over to talk really quick and I knew what was happening, I told my housemate before I left that I have a feeling I'm coming back single. And then she gave me the just friends speech. We were only together for 3 months, and I'm a pretty nonchalant person so I'm doing fine. Not to mention my friends brought me ice cream that night and I won twice in a row with scratch off lottery tickets.
     
  14. ShilenaBug

    ShilenaBug New Member

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    1. It all depends. Maybe the relationships has been over for a long time.
    2. No. Don't even try it. If you're going to cut contact do it and mean it. Don't do it in hopes of getting back with someone (trust me, I cut contact and my life has been amazing! ((without my ex))
    3. Be confident! Girls love confidence. Unfortunately, when girls are confident they intimidate men. So take advantage of having a penis.
     
  15. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    She's 19 so that means she's had a year of college down and has experienced a lot of male attention, especially from good prospects since they're all in college. That's a hard thing for a girl to ignore when it hasn't really happened before.
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Hmm, I don't like that very much. I'd find it kind of creepy if a guy just walked up and stood there and laughed. But that's me :dunno:
    :rofl: You sound like me. Those are the kinds of things that would totally cheer me up :mamoru:
     
  17. Timer

    Timer Guest

    I know it wasn't another guy, trust me. She probably got hit on...but it's never been an issue. Her only complaint was wanting to go out once in awhile with her girlfriend and worrying I'd get jealous (although she admitted she never asked me, plus she said she knows i'm not a jealous type). Her ex's before me were NUTS with controlling and stuff, she dumped them. In all,it was that she just wanted to experience college and not be tied down for another year despite how much she liked me she isn't ready for a full out commitment on the level I was and wants to enjoy college and get a degree. She told me from day one she wasn't sure what she wanted, hasn't been single for 3 years Now, a year later during the breakup she reiterated what she said. She said it's not that I'm not physically attractive, don't have a sick personality, it was mainly just that she wants to see what else is out there, and not necessarily in terms of guys, in college.

    And there is a part of me which says she is right, but still being a fool in the overall picture because she lost someone special right now...and she knows it. There is a chance she may come back in a month, in a year, in 5 years...but I'm not worrying about that because I have other things to do right now.

    :)
     
  18. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    There are a few reasons but they're related to chemical changes in the brain. It's not that it happens for "no reason," it's just that over time depending on how someone is interpreting the relationship, it can happen. It's happened to me before.

    While an oversimplification, it's similar to how a little kid gets a new toy and he loves it and it's his favorite toy and he won't let any other kids play with it, and then eventually he stops caring and doesn't really play with it much anymore.

    There's not really anything you can do to prevent it from happening to you or your SO.

    You don't want to win her back. She broke up with you so obviously she's not the right person for you. The right person for you wouldn't break up with you. Get out of your emo mood for a few seconds and realize with your logical male brain that this is objective truth.

    Approach one of the obstacles and ignore the target (the chick you're most interested in). Tease her a few times while talking to her friends. She'll get jealous that you're giving attention to her friends and she'll want you. Then isolate her (say to her friends "hey, me and [target] like each other; we're gonna go get a drink: and then take her hand and walk to the bar and talk to her alone/kino escalate more).
     
  19. Timer

    Timer Guest

    Appreciate the advice. I'm only 20, so the bar option is out. Only thing similar is a group sitting together in the dining hall, a group standing together at a party, or a few hanging out somewhere.
    The opener is where it is hard for me, the teasing and flirting is EASY. Any advice on good openers or how to open, one with a wingman the other without?

    Thanks man.:wavey:
     

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