SRS Help me deal with my case of anti-social behaviour. (long, but plz help)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by limited_skillz, Aug 20, 2005.

  1. limited_skillz

    limited_skillz I'm a dumbass!

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    Before I begin, I'll just give a brief description of my outward personality. I'm 17.5 years old and live in Markham, Ontario. I'm not really the typical person due to my need for obscure intelligence. For example, I'll randomly calculate the odds of something or create an equation that represents personality growth. I also constantly reference things like maslows hierarchy of needs, and my own juvenille, pseudo-intellectual personality theories. My masterpiece though is my theory that formalizing interaction between the id-ego-superego and their subcategories will create harmony amongst the relatively instable connection. In essence, it is like implementing a government into your head and passing laws and stuff. It's really ****ed up too, and I know there are potential psychological dangers in doing something like that, so I avoid it. I also enjoy using uncommon diction, but I'll spare you a regurgitation of the thesaurus, because from observation you guys hate ostentatious teenagers. Oh, and I learn about random things like economics and use similar ideas towards dealing with people.

    That may all sound like i'm a huge ass nerd, but I wouldn't consider myself one. I used to play my fair share of games, program, and orgasm over the newest processor, but those days are long gone. I'm not insecure about being a nerd either, I still know I'm a geek to an extent. Parenthetically, I have sort of buddhist tendencies and I believe that the purpose of life is to get rid of what I call group A tendencies (basically human nature). I go out of my way to admit past insecurities to prove that I don't fall to such a foolish mindset. I'm also not ugly or anything, I'm pretty much a narcissist. Some days I spend half an hour just looking at myself in the mirror at different angles and in different lighting. I'm not that sexy, but I think I'm damn cute (not in a kid way). Like a lot of teenagers, I was also confused on what style of dress I should adhere to. I've been through a gangsta, prep, club, and emo phase already.

    Up to there it sounds like my life should be alright. I look alright, and I'm content with my overthinking(the stuff I mentioned wasn't even the tip of the iceberg of my crazy thoughts). Well ok now here comes the problem, I don't know how to socialize with people. At home, I hardly talk to my parents, I have no idea why. I love them, they love me, we have a good relationship. It's just that I don't say anything because I have no idea what to say. I just sit there really quietly 90% of the time, thinking stuff to myself because I'm bored that no one is talking to me. They've complained about it, and I've tried to talk more, but it hasn't worked. I would really love it if I had more conversation with my parents though, as I'm moving out in a year and I don't think they have enough good memories of talking to me. I've never had an emotional talk to my parents either. It's not like theres an emotional barrier, I mean I can't talk about anything with them. I realized if I can't talk to the people I love and spend so much time around, I can't talk to anyone.

    I think I should mention that I have a speech impediment. I talk soo fast that a lot of people are just like uh wtf did that guy just say. I have to repeat myself a lot. I've tried a lot of methods to slow down, but the results are only temporary, and not even that good. I blame the speech impediment for alot, since I avoid saying a lot of difficult things since no one would understand wtf I'm saying. I just stick to simple phrases and things that are easy to say.

    Ever since I was small, I was pretty damn quiet. The only conversations that I could really thrive in were about girls and sex. The same is true for present day me. A good portion of my time is spent fapping it (on average 4 times a day :(, it just dribbles out now :( ) or theorizing about girls. The following topics are all I'm good at: girls, sex, race issues, schoolwork, tv, movies, music, and football. I don't even talk about half of those things with the normal people though. I think it's because I didn't learn how to speak when I was younger, I don't know how to have a normal conversation now. This simple problem has nearly ruined my life.

    I'm staying back a year in high school with the few friends I have, because last semester I was so discontent with my whole high school experience that I tried so hard to fix it with my friend. We spent hours everyday theorizing and coming up ways to fix our group, debating and creating different action plans. None of them actually worked, because I didn't know how to talk. I just want a few damn social experiences I can hold on to. I wish I could just go over to someones house with a few girls and socialize a bit and watch a movie and hit on a few of them or something. Then I got a gf who was really strange, but we ended up doing some freaky shiat (not sex sadly), but it was my first intimate relationship except with making out with this girl at a party (which I didn't even have to talk to that much). But ya those girls sucked, but I could connect to my gf though, but she had some crazy mental girl problems, she was damaged goods and she stopped liking me :(. Then with all this stuff going on, I pretty much failed all my courses even though I'm an A student. I have an 83% average in my top 6 courses, if you know how university in canada works, thats pretty damn good especially since I take crap like calculus, data management, discrete math.

    Anyways, next year I don't have to take many courses and I need to get a job to make some money and get higher grades for scholarships since I'm in the poorest class in the town. I wanted to also spend the year maturing, learning things like cooking. But most importantly, learning how to socialize properly with people. I have 25k posts on my home board, but I'm not popular at all there and in real life alot of people in my grade just knew me for my dressing style which pissed me off. I mean everyone has more fun than me and my group really, and one guy has it even worse off than me in terms of social ability. I've come up with a few useless action plans in trying to learn how to communicate like a normal person. By the way, I don't like revealing all my profound thoughts, because they usually take alot of time to develop and I can only write them down. I've had a few girls get the best side of me and I was able to make good conversations with them.

    I want a good social group experience though, I don't know what to talk about. I'm not even that funny of a person, but I laugh at everything. Usually in msn convos I say either "lol or haha" in 90% of my replies.

    So to summarize, I suck at talking to everyone, including my parents. I'm content with my life other than the fact that I can't have a conversation. It will screw me up even more in the future if I don't learn now. I don't have more social anxiety than anyone else, I do suck at school presentations a lot but just because it takes a lot of time to articulate something profound. If I have something to say in a group, and its easy to say, I will say it. However, I'm just the guy who says just one or two things :( all conversation, I want to be able to speak more. I have basically a vacation year to accomplish this. The only thing I can think of is my holy grail of communication, which is videos of people my age having normal conversations. However, things like that most likely don't exist. I consider one of my best qualities being empathetic, I am a good listener, but terrible speaker. All I need to do is think up interesting things to say. I can't believe I've lived in, and analyzed society so much and I don't know what to say to people. Also I cried when a girl I really liked told me that I couldn't hold a conversation.

    I'm begging you guys to give me unique ideas on how to learn how to socialize like a normal person. I've tried the whole small talk with everyone, but conversation runs out VERY EASILY and then it gets really awkward and other people don't continue the conversation. Also, if it isn't too much trouble and you gather enough information about me from this post, can you also think of a career that would suit me? I can't do complicated math, even though I love programming. I hate business because I'm a big socialist, but I'm good at it (and I have the delusion that I can help poor people by my influence in a company). These are the two biggest problems in my life, that and I really need some damn sex. Thanks a lot guys, I will buy a subscription when I reach 18 which is just a few months away. You guys are so much more mature than the places I usually visit, that is why I am confiding such emotional info to you. Also, sorry for it being so long, but this is the abridged version. And excuse any terrible spelling/grammar mistakes, I'm depriving myself of sleep to get myself back on a normal sleep schedule.
     
  2. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    I'm not as big a nerd as you but I understand what you mean. I feel that the best way to talk to people is to talk about them. You go see someone, ask what is your name, what do you do, what do you do for fun, and listen to what they say and adapt accordingly. People love talking about themselves so take advantage of that.
     
  3. SpaMan

    SpaMan Mind over matter.

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    I think you've got anxiety problems mixed with the usual teen confidence issues along with confusion on what you want to do with your life. I think you'd find a lot of people go through what you're going through that you'd never expect. It's not a happy place to be in your mind, but you've got your whole life ahead of you and this too shall pass with a little effort on your part.

    Are you a perfect, socially adept person? Hell no, but who is at 17.5 years old? Highschool sucks man, if you're not on the "in" club, it's easy to get discouraged with yourself. What you really need in your life right now is focus on anything other than yourself and the things about yourself that you don't like. Focus on the positive and work to make yourself a better person for yourself, not other people and their petty social requirements. Sure some people might -seem- to have it all, but in reality even the most gorgeous and 'social' people feel the same way you do - socially inept or 'wrong' at times in their lives.

    You're your own worst enemy and your post struck a chord with me, because I've often thought about the same things you have and it's hard to have those thoughts of rejection and self-loathing, but at the end of the day you have a lot to be thankful for and life is what you make it.

    On the whole job thing, well I wouldn't worry too much about that either, just try to take classes in college that seem interesting to you and you'll figure out something from there. You've still got another year in highschool to think about it too, but a lot of people are in the same boat as you are concerning what they want to do. (I do think a part time job right now would help you though, get you to meet some people out of highschool in a more friendly work environment)

    Oh and do you take any medication? Maybe some anti-depressants or a little something might help you out with what seems to be social anxiety, I'm not too informed on this matter though.
     
  4. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    It sounds like your problem is that you overthink too much. Being able to hold a conversation requires you to let go of needs and judgments. Just pretend that your purpose is to mildly entertain, which requires you to talk about anything that crosses your mind no matter how insignificant it may seem.
     
  5. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    I think I can kinda relate to you. I'm gonna be 20 in a few weeks and I live in Mississauga. When I was little I also had a problem speaking and pronouncing words. I think I was around 5 or so at the time. I had to go and spend time with a superintendent - type teacher that taught me to speak. Well any way that didn't really help, and for some reason I developed a hearing loos at age 10. So I started wearing hearing aids, those big, behind the ear ones. My elementary school years I was made fun of but had a few friends.. Then high school came, I was more self-conscious, and even though I had the very small hearing aids, I still refused to wear them. I was even more of a loner then. Well now I finished the fist year of university and I decided that I can't go without them. I am getting new ones for this school year, and I know they will help me.

    I am also very antisocial, and I didn't have a GF yet, so you are ahead of me there in that regard. But it doesn't matter to me. The bottom line is, you're 17, don't sweat it, you will have enough time later on in university to party and socialize and have friends. Just don't worry about it and live life for yourself now.

    Try to relax when talking, that's what I do. I used to stutter a little and talk fast. Hearing loss makes everything that much harder, especially if you know you can't hear what people are saying, and you have to ask them to repeat 3 + times... Or if you keep telling people that you can't hear them and they forget.

    Maybe you should go out to clubs/bars or parties? It is not my type of place to be at, but maybe you might enjoy that and it might be a good experience for you to try to talk to people there.
     
  6. limited_skillz

    limited_skillz I'm a dumbass!

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    Thank you guys for your input so far. I don't think that my main problem is living for other people though, I'm just really tired of not being able to have a conversation with a person. Since I'm a buddhist, I really don't care about popularity or talking to certain types of people. It's just that I'm unable to have a good conversation with most people, especially my parents. My dad just said to me, I wish we could chat more. I felt really bad because I've been trying so hard but I just don't know how to fix it.

    I don't think I have social anxiety in front of my parents, they're nice, open people. I just never reached out to them, all I have for them is really felial love. I don't want to play the blame game either, but I think they should try harder. They ask the typical questions like how I'm going and stuff. It's just that they don't continue the conversation to undying lengths.

    I think I'm a stable individual, and where I do show cracks, I don't mind too much. It's just that this crack is too large to ignore. I've tried listening to my brothers talk to my parents and I really don't know how to duplicate it.

    I'm really not one for small talk at all, the person who said I was an overthinker was right. I've tried going to a club a few times with my friends, but again, conversation didn't pick up too much. I just danced and enjoyed the night without really bothering with talking to anyone. My friend told me I should just talk to random people at any time of the day for practice. Like while waiting in line for something, just make a small joke. I'm just not capable of doing it, I try too hard and theres just no progress which makes me uneasy.

    I could wait for university and hope it will help me come out of my shell, but from what I've seen of the people who do this. They are at least capable of having a small conversation with at least their parents. I just feel so bad the only time I can approach them is if something is wrong with me, or I need something. I also feel as if I must make up for all my social failure in a short period of time, meaning the vacation year I'm about to have.

    Maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm not a normal person in terms of a social life, and I should just accept who I am - an extravagant thinker. I should mention that I'm really good at relationship drama though, I just don't know what about it that makes me talk so much when I experience it. I just wish I could be that way about everything.

    I've also tried taking up hobbies, and even reading. I either can't do alot of hobbies, especially sports (I'm fast, skinny, but just not very good at handling things.), or I don't like the things that I've tried.

    Thanks for listening once again, but I really don't think its possible to learn how to socialize properly if you're a person like me.
     
  7. limited_skillz

    limited_skillz I'm a dumbass!

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    Oh and I should also add that I'm not depressed or anything, and taking an anti-depressant or anything that would take away social anxiety may not work. I feel comfortable, but just nothing normal runs through my head for me to say it.
     
  8. Alternative

    Alternative Guest

    I was in your situation when I was your age and now that i've grown up, im glad I didn't fit in. I have my own personal reasons for this.

    Do your own thing. I would definately suggest that you consider self-employment. A career where you do alot of independant thinking perhaps? Your post suggests to me that you would likely be good at analizing society as opposed to actually being an active member in it. Perhaps you could even get into the psychology field. :cool: Just remember, everyone has a true destiny in life. There is something in this world that you love to do so much that it will become your life. Make the best choices for yourself and your future full of happiness.
     

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