Before I begin, I'll just give a brief description of my outward personality. I'm 17.5 years old and live in Markham, Ontario. I'm not really the typical person due to my need for obscure intelligence. For example, I'll randomly calculate the odds of something or create an equation that represents personality growth. I also constantly reference things like maslows hierarchy of needs, and my own juvenille, pseudo-intellectual personality theories. My masterpiece though is my theory that formalizing interaction between the id-ego-superego and their subcategories will create harmony amongst the relatively instable connection. In essence, it is like implementing a government into your head and passing laws and stuff. It's really ****ed up too, and I know there are potential psychological dangers in doing something like that, so I avoid it. I also enjoy using uncommon diction, but I'll spare you a regurgitation of the thesaurus, because from observation you guys hate ostentatious teenagers. Oh, and I learn about random things like economics and use similar ideas towards dealing with people. That may all sound like i'm a huge ass nerd, but I wouldn't consider myself one. I used to play my fair share of games, program, and orgasm over the newest processor, but those days are long gone. I'm not insecure about being a nerd either, I still know I'm a geek to an extent. Parenthetically, I have sort of buddhist tendencies and I believe that the purpose of life is to get rid of what I call group A tendencies (basically human nature). I go out of my way to admit past insecurities to prove that I don't fall to such a foolish mindset. I'm also not ugly or anything, I'm pretty much a narcissist. Some days I spend half an hour just looking at myself in the mirror at different angles and in different lighting. I'm not that sexy, but I think I'm damn cute (not in a kid way). Like a lot of teenagers, I was also confused on what style of dress I should adhere to. I've been through a gangsta, prep, club, and emo phase already. Up to there it sounds like my life should be alright. I look alright, and I'm content with my overthinking(the stuff I mentioned wasn't even the tip of the iceberg of my crazy thoughts). Well ok now here comes the problem, I don't know how to socialize with people. At home, I hardly talk to my parents, I have no idea why. I love them, they love me, we have a good relationship. It's just that I don't say anything because I have no idea what to say. I just sit there really quietly 90% of the time, thinking stuff to myself because I'm bored that no one is talking to me. They've complained about it, and I've tried to talk more, but it hasn't worked. I would really love it if I had more conversation with my parents though, as I'm moving out in a year and I don't think they have enough good memories of talking to me. I've never had an emotional talk to my parents either. It's not like theres an emotional barrier, I mean I can't talk about anything with them. I realized if I can't talk to the people I love and spend so much time around, I can't talk to anyone. I think I should mention that I have a speech impediment. I talk soo fast that a lot of people are just like uh wtf did that guy just say. I have to repeat myself a lot. I've tried a lot of methods to slow down, but the results are only temporary, and not even that good. I blame the speech impediment for alot, since I avoid saying a lot of difficult things since no one would understand wtf I'm saying. I just stick to simple phrases and things that are easy to say. Ever since I was small, I was pretty damn quiet. The only conversations that I could really thrive in were about girls and sex. The same is true for present day me. A good portion of my time is spent fapping it (on average 4 times a day , it just dribbles out now ) or theorizing about girls. The following topics are all I'm good at: girls, sex, race issues, schoolwork, tv, movies, music, and football. I don't even talk about half of those things with the normal people though. I think it's because I didn't learn how to speak when I was younger, I don't know how to have a normal conversation now. This simple problem has nearly ruined my life. I'm staying back a year in high school with the few friends I have, because last semester I was so discontent with my whole high school experience that I tried so hard to fix it with my friend. We spent hours everyday theorizing and coming up ways to fix our group, debating and creating different action plans. None of them actually worked, because I didn't know how to talk. I just want a few damn social experiences I can hold on to. I wish I could just go over to someones house with a few girls and socialize a bit and watch a movie and hit on a few of them or something. Then I got a gf who was really strange, but we ended up doing some freaky shiat (not sex sadly), but it was my first intimate relationship except with making out with this girl at a party (which I didn't even have to talk to that much). But ya those girls sucked, but I could connect to my gf though, but she had some crazy mental girl problems, she was damaged goods and she stopped liking me . Then with all this stuff going on, I pretty much failed all my courses even though I'm an A student. I have an 83% average in my top 6 courses, if you know how university in canada works, thats pretty damn good especially since I take crap like calculus, data management, discrete math. Anyways, next year I don't have to take many courses and I need to get a job to make some money and get higher grades for scholarships since I'm in the poorest class in the town. I wanted to also spend the year maturing, learning things like cooking. But most importantly, learning how to socialize properly with people. I have 25k posts on my home board, but I'm not popular at all there and in real life alot of people in my grade just knew me for my dressing style which pissed me off. I mean everyone has more fun than me and my group really, and one guy has it even worse off than me in terms of social ability. I've come up with a few useless action plans in trying to learn how to communicate like a normal person. By the way, I don't like revealing all my profound thoughts, because they usually take alot of time to develop and I can only write them down. I've had a few girls get the best side of me and I was able to make good conversations with them. I want a good social group experience though, I don't know what to talk about. I'm not even that funny of a person, but I laugh at everything. Usually in msn convos I say either "lol or haha" in 90% of my replies. So to summarize, I suck at talking to everyone, including my parents. I'm content with my life other than the fact that I can't have a conversation. It will screw me up even more in the future if I don't learn now. I don't have more social anxiety than anyone else, I do suck at school presentations a lot but just because it takes a lot of time to articulate something profound. If I have something to say in a group, and its easy to say, I will say it. However, I'm just the guy who says just one or two things all conversation, I want to be able to speak more. I have basically a vacation year to accomplish this. The only thing I can think of is my holy grail of communication, which is videos of people my age having normal conversations. However, things like that most likely don't exist. I consider one of my best qualities being empathetic, I am a good listener, but terrible speaker. All I need to do is think up interesting things to say. I can't believe I've lived in, and analyzed society so much and I don't know what to say to people. Also I cried when a girl I really liked told me that I couldn't hold a conversation. I'm begging you guys to give me unique ideas on how to learn how to socialize like a normal person. I've tried the whole small talk with everyone, but conversation runs out VERY EASILY and then it gets really awkward and other people don't continue the conversation. Also, if it isn't too much trouble and you gather enough information about me from this post, can you also think of a career that would suit me? I can't do complicated math, even though I love programming. I hate business because I'm a big socialist, but I'm good at it (and I have the delusion that I can help poor people by my influence in a company). These are the two biggest problems in my life, that and I really need some damn sex. Thanks a lot guys, I will buy a subscription when I reach 18 which is just a few months away. You guys are so much more mature than the places I usually visit, that is why I am confiding such emotional info to you. Also, sorry for it being so long, but this is the abridged version. And excuse any terrible spelling/grammar mistakes, I'm depriving myself of sleep to get myself back on a normal sleep schedule.