LGBT Help me closet crew

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by ManyHamsters, Nov 18, 2006.

  1. ManyHamsters

    ManyHamsters There are necessary pursuits... but poetry, beauty

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    so i made this new friend at my university, and we hit it off very well on so many levels, i think she could eventually become another one of my best friends, and its only been 2 months that we've known each other; we see each other almost every day

    i told her of sexuality right away when the topic first came up, since i was tired of hiding and frankly, she was expendable at the time, but she seemed to be ok with it. she's deeply religious, so i was frankly surprised

    flash forward 2 months, we're extremely close. we've laughed we've cried we've told each other our deepest feelings, troubles at home, various crushes, she rates guys with me and for me etc. she helps me pick up guys, helps me fine tune my gaydar, helps me get over my shyness and talk to boys by initiating the convo with them; we know each other pretty well inside-out, and add to this the fact that we will be in all our classes pretty much for the next 4 years.

    so in class the topic of sexuality comes up, and i was surprised to hear her stance of: i'm fine with it, i'm very religious but i consider myself open (everything good so far). but then she says, it would be different it if was a family member though, who was gay. at this point i give her the WTF face, and she apologizes to me, saying she hopes she didn't hurt me, i was like, whatever

    i don't like to jump to huge decisions right away, so i basically brushed her off for the rest of the day and went home. i am about an inch away from cutting her out of my life now.

    what do you think closet? am i just her token gay friend? does she really fully accept me, or just tolerate my gayness? how can it be ok for her to be friends with a gay person, but then say that she wouldn't be fine with it if it was part of her family? am i overracting? am i jumping to a huge decision based on a scenario that will never happen (me being part of her direct family)? she knows the shit i went through with my mom and dad, and what would happen if they found out i was gay, how can she feel that i would be ok that she feels the same way that my mom would if she ever knew?? i feel so offended, and shocked that she would say something like that. should i stick with her and give her more time to get to know me etc? (i am her first gay friend) is it just some sort of safety mechanism to justify her having both her religion and me as a friend? i mean i never asked that kind of question to my close, high-school friends, it never dawned on me to ask them something so improbable, but i wonder if their response would be the same, if they truly just love me, but not me being gay

    that said, she is an awesome friend, very giving, comforting, emotionally, physically etc, we play off each other very well. should i give it the benefit of the doubt, and spend more time with her hoping her mind will change? sorry i am starting to repeat myself, i've been thinking about this for a few days now, and my thinking just goes in a circular path. is she just using me to pretend that she is accepting? should i just lose all respect for her and start using her only to meet and talk to gay guys? i know that isn't healthy, and it will be a very unhealthy friendship, but i am in a fragile position now, and i could use that kind of leverage to boost my self-esteem and confidence

    i am going to confront her. i can't just ignore it. i know that i am sick to death of hiding my sexuality or tiptoeing around it, so i don't want a negative person in my life. i have enough support from my family and friends that i really don't need anyone new coming in and tsk tsking my lifestyle. that said, if she is really so adamant about it, i don't want to make her have to choose between her religion and me. i would just choose for her and leave

    any opinions would be greatly appreciated :)
     
  2. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    dang it you've been around here long enough do I even have to ask at this point?!


    n00dz!:naughty::x:


    Oh wait I'm not in the main forum:mamoru:


    Ok excuse all of that it's been a long night. I would try talking to her a bit about it and see how things go from there :dunno:
     
  3. Diesel Freak

    Diesel Freak ♂♂ Closet Crew OT Supporter

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    Interesting story.

    You being her first gay friend is probably a bit confusing to her... in other words, you're challenging whatever preconceived notions she has of gay people.

    If your friendship is as good as you say it has been, I would talk to her openly about how you both feel. Explain why it bothered you when she said "...different if it were a family member," and ask her to elaborate on that. Perhaps she doesn't really know, and she was just coming up with an off-the-cuff answer because this whole thing is new to her.

    Cliffs: Sit down and have a heart-to-heart. :)
     
  4. XPX

    XPX New Member

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    Warning: my points of view are always fucked up so I'll try to be as honest as possible, I'm the worst gay ever...
    *********************************************

    While you may feel offended because she chose to accept a gay friend but not a gay family member it is a very common sight, people usually react harder when issues hit home and let it pass under the bridge if it doesn't affect them directly, don't judge her or cut her off just because of this. So far you've described her as a great friend and while I think that things that come fast usually go away fast too she seems to be a keeper, try to understand her points of view.

    I might be wrong but we have to be the most accepting people in this world, it is hypocritical if we want to get accepted but at the same time we judge others so easily. Be open with her, explain to her that you feel offended and let her speak out, I'm sure you'll find a valid response and if you don't then you can cut her off.....don't use her, you'd hate if someone would use you to get guys/girls.

    I agree with Ryan on the pics and with Diesel fumes freak on the talk-to-her-now.

    :)

    (One of my closest friends comes from a home where homosexuality is not accepted at all, however they love our gay friend and would do anything for him, I hope someday they feel the same for me as I love her, she is one of those people I can't stop being friends with)
     
  5. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    There's so much good to her personality I wouldn't cut her off for one negative. Confront her calmly and even if you don't end up agreeing or winning her over to your view, just remember that exposure breeds tolerence and finally acceptance. She sounds like someone who's ripe to 'win over'. Give it some time.
     
  6. Fate13

    Fate13 New Member

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    i agree talk to her. ok i am done beating the dead horse.
     
  7. ManyHamsters

    ManyHamsters There are necessary pursuits... but poetry, beauty

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    thanks so much for the responses guys :) i read them all and decided to confront her today (non-aggressively) and just talk to her instead of jumping to conclusions (and sorry no pics, lol, i can't risk certain family members finding out yet :o)

    well, it turns out the whole thing was a big misunderstanding, she didn't mean it to come off that she wouldn't like homosexuals being part of her family, she meant to say that it was generally considered incompatible with the traditional Muslim lifestyle, which her mom lives by, but also that she's not a typical muslim, and doesn't believe that

    so i asked her if she would like me less if i was part of her family and i was the same way, and she said no way, and then i asked if her little sister told her that she was gay, and rejected her muslim faith, would she like her less, and she said no to that also

    so that took care of my major concerns :) she knew about the problems i had coming out, and i had thought that she wouldn't be supportive to any of her family that did the same, additionally, here i thought we had this wall between us, in which our relationship couldn't go any further (couldn't get as close to her as her family), and she said that it didn't exist. we skipped class and had a loong convo while holding hands, and ended up in each other's arms by the end of it

    she said that i was her first gay friend, and that she had all these preconceptions that were falling away, and that she was just having trouble dealing with it and verbalizing it, hence why she sent out the wrong impression with her statement

    so we made it through our first big semi-fight a-ok! and afterwards i felt closer to her than ever, and she's even coming with me for support when we go to my university's pride event this week: watching a lesbian movie. should be fun :h5:

    now heres a fun little tidbit for anyone who read through all of my emo crap: i was letting my little jewish cousins (10 and 11) play runescape together on my laptop and desktop, and one of them found my well hidden (or so i thought) ghey pr0n when i stepped out of my room for 2 mins :noes:. damn technologically advanced punks. i didn't find out till they left. of course they are too young and i didnt want them to find out yet, or frankly, that way, lol.

    they came back the next weekend and were acting a little antsy for the first few mins they were chilling in my room, but i didn't bring it up, and was just myself, and they both were back to acting normally and comfortably again around me by the end of the day. :mamoru: family ftw.


    cliffs: thx closet crew :) got my awesome friendship back, i get to smile again, woot!
     

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