SRS Help me change my sister's ways

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by blackbirdbeatle, May 9, 2009.

  1. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2005
    Messages:
    5,738
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sorry for the long post but I've been here a while and I need some serious help now.

    My sister is a slut. In other areas she is confident, she gets good grades, and she looks like a model teenager (She's 18 and in grade 12). It's also only when she gets drunk. It's sad because she knows that guys take advantage of her when she's drunk and yet she still does it. Before she goes out she knows that she will get drunk and do something stupid. She says all she wants is a boyfriend when she's sober and she's very pretty, so I don't see why she couldn't have one. She's pretty emotionally stable for a girl. :mamoru: It's a smaller town so she has a very limited number of people to pick from though.

    This has been going on since she was 16 and I want to know how to approach her without blowing up. None of the other 3 kids in our family are like this, despite all of us raised the same way. My first instinct is too find the guys that sleep with her when she's drunk and they are sober and kill them and my dad only knows part of it. He could easily make them disappear so I refrain from telling him everything (And he really will because regardless of the moral actions of the guys, my dad will consider this rape). My mom knows all of it and she has tried talking with her and put her on birth control but what can my mom do when my sister sleeps with losers that fuck anything that moves without condoms? The 19-20 year olds that didn't go anywhere after high school and still try to get with high school girls and who all the girls like. You know the kind.

    Not only is it emotionally unhealthy but she could get STD's as well. It's affecting our whole family and we blow up at each other over this all the time because we are so stressed.

    My plan is to sit her down and calmly tell her how it makes me feel. How it makes our mom and her siblings feel. That I love her but right now I don't respect her and if she wants to change that that it will have to be through her actions, not her words as her promises mean little right now.

    She is coming to one of the best universities in her field in the fall and moving in with me (I live in a nearby city). I want to try and change her actions before she moves in because that kind of behaviour is not going to fly in my house.

    Yelling and telling her to smarten up and get her shit together or threatening to kick her out has pushed her further as you can imagine.

    So if you've read this far please offer any advice you have.
     
  2. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2005
    Messages:
    124,890
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Kc
    you aren't going to change her.

    And what do you think is going to happen when she goes to college ? oh yeah, more drinking and more random sex. WIthout even the parents to limit it.
     
  3. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2005
    Messages:
    5,738
    Likes Received:
    0
    Humans can certainly change and change their ways of thinking can they not? It's not like I'm asking her to stop having sex altogether or drink, I'm asking her to stop having dangerous sex and blackout drink. Threats and yelling doesn't work so a new approach has to be had.
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    I sympathize.

    Targetting the guys is misguided and does nothing. They've done nothing wrong.
    You, the family, are more guilty than they are. Why aren't you beating your family as you suggest you want to do to them?

    As far as your dad "making them disappear", that better be the outrage talking.

    Unfortunately there is little you can do to dominate someone else's behaviour. You believe she behaving incorrectly. So do I.
    But it's her life to live.

    The only thing you could possibly do is to be non-judgemental, and supportive. You gain her trust. She MIGHT then listen to you about safer sex practices.

    Other than that, no one really listens to the big brother "laying down the law" and def. not this smart and headstrong girl who's obviously trying to escape a fairly overcontrolling brother and family

    You want to know what's half the cause of her behaviour? Line up your family and look in the mirror.



    Non judgemental support. That's your only chance, now.
    She's an adult. Start treating her like one, and she might listen.
     
  5. amac88

    amac88 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2007
    Messages:
    6,826
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Plano, Texas
    How is it not the guys' fault? Theyre taking advantage of a drunk girl, something I would never do, and Im a 21 year old guy.
     
  6. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2005
    Messages:
    5,738
    Likes Received:
    0

    She blackout drinks. Not just gets tipsy and has sex because we've all done that, but gets really, really drunk and some guys sleep with her. Then she doesn't remember it but they were mostly sober. If you consider that borderline rape as I do then you can understand my frustration. Where are her supposed friends in this? I always made sure my friends didn't do something this stupid if I could help it.

    The dad thing was mostly in anger.

    And it's hard to pinpoint what it is about my family. There are 3 girls and me in the family and the other two never had this problem. They were far more responsible about things like this. We are pretty damn laid back. The drinking age here is 18 and my parents had no problem with us going to parties in high school as long as we were smart about it (No drinking and driving and the like and if anything like that happened then they came down like the wrath of god. Oh and school came first). They let us make a lot of mistakes and trust that we will learn from them but this is something that has us stepping in more.

    And if you think a brother wanting his sister not to have dangerous sex and respect herself and wanting to settle things with lowlifes that take advantage of her then I guess you could call that controlling.

    Just because a girl gets very drunk doesn't give someone carte blanche to do whatever to her because of that bad choice.

    And I'm looking for more of how to talk to her like the non-judgemental support thing. Of course I have to be a bit judgemental because what she is doing will catch her an STD eventually.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2009
  7. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2008
    Messages:
    27,527
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lexington, KY
    I agree with all of this. You can't yell at her now, you just have to be there for support and to lend an ear if need be, and tell her what you think without getting upset and in fights.

    She should be able to control her drinking, she is the one putting herself in that situation. And I am almost positive that it's not like she is totally passed out and guys just rape her, I'd be willing to bet that she comes onto them, or is a total willing participant. Just because she is too drunk and doesn't remember doesn't mean it's the guys' fault. And if a guy is drunk too, chances are he isn't using his best judgment either.

    Obviously she doesn't have very good friends. And it seems like she already has been told many times that this stuff is wrong and she shouldn't be doing it. She doesn't care, and you won't be able to stop her. All you will be able to do is support her and be there for her.

    My brothers got deep into drugs and drinking, and both have basically flunked out of college. I had been through that shit and could see it happen, but of course, kids ALWAYS think they know better. It took them flunking out and getting into serious shit for one of the brothers to stop. My other brother still drinks and smokes to excess like it hasn't faze him. My words go in one ear and out the other. He will ultimately have to hit rock bottom before he realizes, and nobody can help him fix himself, he has to want to do it himself.

    I also was really bad in school/part of college, not with sleeping around, but with drinking and not going to class and such. I refused to listen, and my rock bottom was spending the night in jail next to a crackhead for a DUI. After that, I wanted to fix myself, and wanted to be better. Change has to come from within, not from people pressuring you, or else it will just set you off even move.
     
  8. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2005
    Messages:
    5,738
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks. I agree with everyone that yelling won't help but what can I say to her to let her know how truly disappointed I am in her and how much it hurts others in the family to see her like this? Just calmly confront her and say it?

    And I'm sure she's had sex sober and willing but I am almost positive that she is getting taken advantage of when she does drink to excess. I don't live in the same city and I only found out about it when my cousin, who is like another sister to me and a grade below my sister, told me about it. She's embarrassed for her and asked me for help. She's talked to my mom and other sisters too. Let's say that she's to goto girl at parties for certain guys. They know she will get super drunk and then they can do whatever.

    The drinking is a weekend thing and she does hold down a job and has a very strong work ethic without being pushed so I'm not too worried about her grades in university.
     
  9. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2008
    Messages:
    27,527
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lexington, KY
    I would talk to her, tell her you are worried and hope she is making the choices in life that she wants to be making, and that you hope she is respecting herself and that you hope she is portraying the image of herself that she wants people to see and think of her by. Say that you think she is doing very well in school and such, and that you don't want her to make any stupid mistakes that will ruin that. Just say a few things that hopefully make he think about her actions, but you can't yell at her and can't point fingers, she will just get defensive and put up a wall.

    I don't know if she knows that you know about her behavior, if so tell her from your point of view (a guys) how they think of girls like that and that you are upset seeing her like this. If she doesn't know you know, I wouldn't say anything, just give her a pep talk like I posted above. If she knows that people are going behind her back about her, that may make her even more upset and not able to trust those girls.

    And if she doesn't want to listen, you just have to be there for her, tell her that you can call her a cab, etc, when she gets to drunk, tell her that you are available for her to come talk to, just make yourself open to her, but not to just yell at her. And if she keeps going down that road, there really isn't much you can do, as I said before, she has to want to change for herself.

    I also work with younger girls at my job, and I know quite a few of them feel like getting trashed and fucking dudes is a good time, and that thats what they want to be doing before they get too old and have to settle down.
     
  10. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2005
    Messages:
    5,738
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hmmm...yes that good. Focus on the good things she is doing and that I don't want her to lose those. She doesn't know I talked to our cousin but she knows her reputation and knows that our family knows (outside of dad).

    It's frustrating because 18yo's think they have all this freedom and they can do whatever they want yet mommy and daddy are paying for their school and I'm paying for her housing, at least for the first year that she stays with me. They just don't see that once you turn 18 you may be able to screw random guys that are over 18 but you still aren't autonomous. You rely on family more than ever the first few years out of school (Well most do) and that comes with some ground rules if you want to continue living the easy life.

    That and it's not cool to screw girls that can't even sit upright they are so drunk. Do you consider that close enough to rape to be angry? That was the last straw before my cousin came to me. I'm usually calm but I have certain morals and ethics that are key to me and this is one of the ones that have kept me up at night. I have an inkling who it may be but I'm a big guy and I don't want to do something rash if I find the guys. If I'm right I know the parents from growing up, maybe I'll go to them and tell them how wonderful their sons are and if there's any way I can prove they did what they did I'm going to the cops.
     
  11. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2008
    Messages:
    23,518
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    SoCal
    It's not about you. It's not up to you to protect her.

    She's going to make her own choices regardless of how much you or your family cares about her. She obviously wouldn't be repeating the behavior if it wasn't working for her somehow. She'll make a change when she feels it's time - if that means there are consequences then that is just the path she chose.

    Get over yourself & quit being personally offended by something that isn't about you.
     

Share This Page