SRS Having to take over things for my parents.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SpectreMatrix, Mar 22, 2007.

  1. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Last year my dad had me come in and setup a company to deal with his holdings(because he didn't feel up to it alone). I currently have two other companies of my own. Well, he was supposed to transistion everything over to me over three years as I learned the ins and outs of the company. About six months in he completely fell apart, its been getting worse and worse. Working with him today I noticed he was having huge issues with memory and even communicating properly, his hands were always shaking too.

    The business and their personal financial docs and money management are trashed. He sorta lost it and was afraid to ask for help. The man is my idol, he has a Masters from MIT. I tried to recruit my older sister to help but she completely lost, has broken down crying the last four times I talked to her. I talked to my mom and she is a complete wreck too. There is no one else in my family that has it together. We also take care of my grandma 92, bed ridden, blind and has progressive dementia.

    I went to his office to try to make some sense out of everything. Every piece of information for my entire family was just massed in huge stacks with little or no organization. I found thousands apon thousands of pass due bills and checks for big $$$ that were never deposited covering years. Taxes are screwed to say the least. Mongollian cluster fuck.

    I am 25, single.. have my shit together. House, car etc... but holy shit my entire family decided to fall over on me. Its all I can do to not just break down and :wtc:. I hired a few people to help me to start sorting through it, but the rammifications for the tax issues and bills are almost uncomprehensible at this point. And the two most important people in my life are just in pieces, I am very concerned my dad might be experiancing the onset of alzhiemers, which runs strong in my family. I am a tough son of a bitch. But I am only one man. I just don't know what to do, with the family, businesses, etc.. what I do effects 44 lives. I can't fuck up. There is no room for it. Oh a huge loan comes to term that we are jointly liable for in 4 weeks too. So yeah....


    Cliffs: have to pick up my family before they lose everything. or blow up in the process.
     
  2. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Damn man...I'm sorry to hear that all this shit has just been dumped on you. It sounds like you are working on solving the problems but the more you work the more you discover. That sux but there has to be an end to it eventually. I mean sure...it might be a ways off but you're making progress man so hang in there.

    In regards to your dad, I can relate. I had to watch my dad go from being a health, strong man to something much different over the course of 2 years. It was soo damned frustrating becasue I couldn't do anything to help him...it was awful. He ended up passing away at the end of those 2 years looking back, it was probably best for him.....however, it sucked for me and the rest of my family.

    OUt of curiosity, does your dad drink much water? I've been hearing more and more about the connection to cronic dehydration and alzheimers. I'm not a doctor so I dunno if the research is sound or not...I just seem to keep hearing about it.

    Anyways, hang in there man. I'll be praying for you and your family.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I indeed was also tending towards alzheimers or parkinsons disease.

    Ok here's the deal.

    You yourself comes first, its nice you want to help family/bussiness out, but you MAY NOT allow yourself to be destroyed in the process of doing such.

    There's definitly brain issues that run in your family, so in order to help yourself and your family out, http://www.alzinfo.org/alzheimers-treatment-overview.asp it basically looks like that a(too much) abundant amount of information is completely sending everyone of your family over the edge , and now it looks asif this curse is out coming to get you, so no matter how tough you are, this requires a completely different angle. You see its like a big haystack, a farmer cannot put too much load on his fork, otherwhise it becomes to heavy and he will fall. So i advice you to only put up tiny loads that you are able to carry, and that you arranged people to help you is great.

    So the word ' Too much ' is the keyword here, this is more then 1 person can manage, 3 companies plus a family to take care of, NO just no...

    My advice is that first you sort out the company bills , then sell the 1 or 2 of the companies for a massive amount of money, then use that money to take care of your bedridden family members, (alzheimer support/mental care)

    The big issue is keeping your sanity here, its not your fault that this is all happening, kick your dad out of the company, i know you love and learned everything from him but he's changed and as of now is totally unsuitable/unstable to run the company. Don't blame him that he caused this mess, but you have to find experts along with the people who are helping you to sort out the mess, and pay any outstanding bill with your dads money. Once your done sorting out, bring all the bills to him and convince him that he has to pay and sign the X amount of money that's still outstanding. Which is only normal, but your dad might be scared so you have to put up the spine to get these things done over and get them out of the door, this so you can leave that worry behind you otherwhise it'll just keep on hunting you for even more years. This whole odeal is like a mountain, you cannot conquer it in one jump, you have to make many small steps to reach the top, so to speak.

    I'll tell you this, i worked in the adminstration for a big company , and this franchise for this company was also in a complete adminstrative nightmare, so we are the experts on this thing and have been in it for many years , so the man who owned the company came to us and asked us to help sorting out the mess that he created.

    What im saying here is that ,maby you can find yourself an accountant/adminstrative expert(s) who ha(ve)s been in the bussiness for many years who can help you to sort this mess out, as in (its just an idea).

    Its a lot of plowing that has to be done, its a complete mess that has to be sorted thru, and probably a couple of hundreds of hours further it will be sorted out. Get the company a NEAT adminstration, where everything can be neatly sorted into, and found back. My advice is this.

    For further future adminstration, hire (lets say 2 woman) who sort out and organise the adminstration on a daily basis. You guys should NEVER return to a policy where things are just Stack Piled on a huge pack like stocking skeletons in a closet only waiting to fall out one day. Honestly, (not intending to be discriminative) getting 2 of those nerdy librarian girls with glasses who love and don't mind sorting things out all day long, those are the kind of people that you want to hire to get things sorted out for long term. You'd go simply crazy if you have to do it all on your own.

    So everything has to be reduced back to a level where sanity can be maintained.
     
  4. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    I am working on a similar strategy to the one you suggest. Those are some excellent ideas. I have a team of experianced people that are helping me sort down the piles. The problem comes is that there is information that only my dad knows, accounts .. access. That is hard to get out of him, or if he even knows the info anymore. I think I have another 50 hours or so before all the paper is filed, I have a team of three people working on it.

    I wish I could unload my other companies, but at this point I have people with their own familys that rely on me maintianing those businesses. I closed one company a couple months ago as I was starting to wonder what the situation is.



    The reason I post here, is because I live alone. And right now, this is a point where I could really use the support of a family. I really appreciate the thought you guys put into your advice. It means a lot.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I also want you to split responsibilities within the company, now if you look within this example diagram of the company structure http://www.thpa.gr/en/icons/organogramma.jpg , you'll see that in top you have the Ceo, and the directors board. What you should appoint are directors to the various companies that your family owns , and put yourself into the place of Ceo. Every month you would have a meeting with the directors, and have a committee that oversees the job performance of the directors who report back to you on how things are fairing within the company and how well managment is doing.

    Just like a human body needs bones for support, a company needs a skeleton to stand on, directors who guide the movements and chefs who direct employee's who make these moves happen.

    After you dug out the paperwork , the companies survival really depends on you being able to put in a solid structure with boardroom to devide the payload to 'bearable' levels on each and everyone's shoulders.

    It really doesn't sound like you can depend on your family, but you will always have the Asylum family here. :hug:
    And i think that maby if your dad takes some medicine's against alzheimer that he'd be able to remember some info here and there, maby your mom also knows some information, althought those attempts might fall against deafman ears, id give it a few attempts nevertheless.

    Also what is this huge loan that's coming up in 4 weeks, im assuming the family can pay for it, i might be wrong and if so if you like, i could make a plan to get rid of that loan in the best possible way i can think of. You'll be in good hands with me because i have this obscure hobby
    of being really good at solving other people's debts. :hsd:
     
  6. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    ok, here is my progress, I went to the bank today, got a grace period of an additional month. They took into account the amount of businesses and money I brought to them and they are taking special consideration.

    Two of the companies are actually partnerships and I am just the general partner now. I have stabilized most of that. I have a new team of advisors in place some old family friends and some new blood(spent 6 hours on the phone today :p) Going to spend the next three days trying to clean up the paper trail, though for the books I have ordered account historys for the last three years from all three banks we work with and for all the accounts, should have those by monday. CPA's are ready to do a little forensic book keeping and get the books straight.

    I have only 6 bills of the 30 past due left.

    I am physically and emotionally drained, but I am still here. :hsd: I pulled some guys from other companies I worked with that I have turned around over the last five years and they are completely up to bat for me helping with this stuff. I crashed for a half hour today just cried for a bit. Thank you for your suggestions and advice. I KNOW a lot of this stuff, but its good to have a reminder when I am this overwhelmed, I am a problem solver too, I just had so much emotional investment in this stuff it just rips at you.

    I am confident that the management teams I have put in place will be able to handle a majority of the load after the next few months, and I have a very talented group of book keepers going in to handle the day to day management of cash.
     
  7. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Oh yes.. I almost forgot I go my parents to commit to getting my dad in to see a neorologist, he had lied to me about going, he hasn't been to one in 5 years even though he has an active refferal. Evidently his GP has been after him for two years to go. :eek3:
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Ok :hug: we're always here for you. Don't blame your dad on not going tho, your dad knowing that alzheimer runs in the family, has an alzheimer fobia, meaning that he's been so scared of getting this disease, that like a bird he tried to cover up any diseases that he had underneath his socks. This is only natural, no one likes to see their fears come thru.

    Im giving you a second warning of not putting too much hay on your fork, prevent overload limits,you must prevent from going beserk , ok i can imagine that for a period this is neccesary, but im afraid you are exerting yourself too much. Are you getting 9 hours of sleep everyday? Are you still eating properly,and giving yourself a break of at least 15 minutes after every 2 1/2 hours of work?

    The positive things (for which i applaude) is that you managed to set up a team and clean up such a big paper trail so far, let's call this all a 'spring cleaning' , since it resembles something just like that,after this i want you to slow things down a bit, and just like a ship the companies should sail steadily right into the directions of the goals you want to achieve with them.

    But when all of this is past behind you, what do you see?

    When you view back, its no wonder your family has gone mental , not only are they prone to mental diseases, they also put way too much load on their shoulders making them go into crazy nervous breakdownsy. To me this seems to be the family curse, which if you are able to recognize should also try to avoid as best as possible.

    Lets leap 30 years into the future, by now you managed to lead a succesfull company becoming a big player in the USA economy, 55 years old and just like you feared you get Alzheimer just like your dad. Now 2 things could happen from there, they either have invented a cure against this horrible disease, or you start suffering , now if i where you, id have a succesor arranged before that happens , i know that's future music, but you wouldn't want to leave your company in complete disarray due to the genetic disease that your family carries, if you know its there, its better to be prepared.
     
  9. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Yeah I am already look at that. Quite a few of my friends are wondering why I am planning so far in advance. Its not that its super worried about what will happen to me, but more so about the people I work with and maybe even my family if I ever have one. Thats why I am building my support network now, so hopefully if I fall in future years I won't have as far to fall. It really is a family curse, far too noble and honor bound.
     
  10. Boosh Dag

    Boosh Dag Guest

    As I'm a 22 year old with out any of my shit together at all I don't have any advice for you. But know that you have a stranger empathising with your situation. Good luck.
     
  11. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    thanks man
     
  12. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Ok.. so things are almost completely taken care of, I just got back from a job in west viriginia. I have all the afairs in order. But now that I am having time to spin down I am just falling apart. I am afraid I am becoming dependant on terrible situations to survive.

    I have taken up a few things to keep me busy, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. My biggest fear is being a bother to my friends by trying to hang out too often. I really don't want to enter into any serious relationships, I just got everything put back together and last thing I need is to get thrown under the bus with a bad relationship right now.

    Why with responsibility and sucess you get more lonely? When I am at work I constantly teach people to step back from fear and survivor mode, but I have no one in my life really who has my back. I help people suceed, but I am only needed so far.

    I guess the big problem really goes back to when I was engaged to be married, I dodged that bullet. But I opened up so many things in my head to allow someone else in and I feel like I built all these things in my head to make myself a good husband and father. And I watch these things rust away, I really was looking forward to our first child, our annivery. She turned out to be nothing but a myth, but the love was still real in my heart and its like being widowed. I have fought so hard for the things I have and for my family. But here I am, with everything I need or want and nothing to fill that space.

    I feel like a weapon that missed its war, if that makes any damn sense. All these things I do are to fill that gap. But like a cup of water thrown on desert sands it will never fill. I don't want to fill this hole with alcohol or anti-pressants. You should be able to live your life without that right? I am not a suicidal individual, I know the true cost of such things and could never go down that path.

    People constantly salt these wounds too. Trying to set me up with women or constantly asking me why I am single. I can joke and play it off any day of the week, but it all adds up. When is it that strength goes from being a blessing to a curse. It tears me apart that everyone around me is getting married and I am the one always off to the side. For fucks sake, next weekend I am best man in two fucking weddings. I can't do things anymore right in my life, but for some fucked up reason I feel I missed my chance to make that final piece fit.I just need to find some way to become ok with this, to be alright alone.
     
  13. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Do you mean not drinking a lot of water leads to alzheimers or drinking a lot of water leads to alzheimers? I assume you meant not drinking a lot of water since you also mentioned chronic dehydration.
     
  14. di3soft

    di3soft Guest

    Man, I read every single post here and I cant tell you how impressed I am with you, With all the shit happening around you, you still managed to keep a cool head at most times and get the shit back together. You sir are a phenominal person looking after your family the way you do, most people woud just let things fail as long is it doesnt affect them. Once everything is all settled down and in order go out have some fun, meet a nice girl and soon enough you WILL meet that one person who you re destined to be with the rest of your life. Again I want to wish you the best of luck.
     
  15. Elfling

    Elfling New Member

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    Since I have no advice to give in this situation, I just say :hug: Chin up, you are being a great son and brother.
     
  16. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    thanks guys, I really appreciate the support. I keep plugging a long, thats all that any of us can do right?
     
  17. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    As said before nothing in the universe fills up that gap besides loving and helping others. And you shouldn't worry about being married gosh, being married =! equal to happyness. Yes it gives the feeling of being left out, but who says you have to live your life like anyone else does?

    I rather carve my own path in life then being a sheep and follow others. You may follow others if that is what truelly makes you happy. If not don't be afraid to set sail with your ship into a direction that you want to go in.

    Who knows , maby you'll find a wonderfull person in your life who falls in love with you for all the right reasons, its important not to close yourself up to that possibility. HOWEVER , not right now.

    You need to bring your life back in calmer waters, first you organise the foundations under your feet, and then you can try to uphold this fairy tale relationship that you desire for. Only this time you need to make sure you find someone credible, who doesn't bring your heart into ruins. A relationship is all about being together but still letting eachother be able to do their own thing. You don't own another person you can only love them. So just keep on trying, its all a matter of searching for oppertunities and needs.
     
  18. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    I'm impressed. You're doing pretty good under the circumstances. I kind of have an idea of what you're going through...my parent's problems have collapsed on me once or twice before and it feels overwhelming. Here I am trying to keep the momentum up in my own life, and now individuals whom have been our foundations in the past are now showing some cracks. It feels lonely, I certainly hear ya.

    You're doing just what you need to do. Sometimes you break down and you let out the emotions, but next you just turn around & focus on what you need to do to solve the problems.

    I read this thread and I thought to myself, "Damn this guy is going to be one hell of a business consultant after all of this is through". Look at it like that...think of these circumstances as just tests that you will overcome to make you that much more effective as a business owner. Just as a field professional has to take certification exams to get to the next phase in their line of work, we business owners get tossed these challenges that turn into a toolbox of skills we later can use the next time it happens again.

    Don't worry too much about the relationship situation. You sound like a good catch. You have a good head on your shoulders, and you're obviously sociable enough to be good friends with individuals who consider you their best man. It's just a matter of time. One day when you least expect it, someone will pop into your life and you'll look back and say all this trouble was worth it.

    You're doing ok. Keep it up.
     
  19. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Pulled off the weddings, everyone was really happy. I guess thats good, I am babysitting two businesses while people are out of town. I don't feel well at this point, it was hard seeing so many happy people, then coming home to an empty house. I am trying to keep myself from drinking alone. I am trying to keep myself together
     
  20. Mulsanne

    Mulsanne The Man = Funk Fusion Chaos

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    There's been one thing in my life for a while now that'll pretty much help me get through anything: music.

    Either listening to it or writing it or playing it its the perfect escape from anything. I recommend learning an instrument if you dont already. That will give you something to do that (if you love it) can take up practically infinite amounts of time (a biblical flood for your desert so to speak :coold: ). And on top of that you can hang out with other musicians and play music together.
     
  21. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    going to take up guitar, thankfully I can already sing. :bigthumb:
     
  22. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Damn I've been away from this thread for too long. I just read this post. Sorry man.

    Ya know..I can relate to what you're saying here. I'm turning 40 in May and I'm still not married. Meanwhile (I'm the youngest of 5 kids) all of my siblings have gotten married and 3 divorced and 1 of those remaried....yet I remain single. Every single one of my friends....save 1....has gotten married some divorced some with kids some not. Yet I remain single.

    I'm not usually unhappy about this anymore...it used to really screw with my head. Then I realized I just had to work on other aspects of my life. Some of those aspects invloved education, some involved my motorcycle and still others involved being alone and ok with it.

    I have a strong belief that there is some force helping us or guiding us along this journey in life. I believe that we are here to learn and sometimes it seems that I need to learn lessons that are very different than my friends and family....and that's ok but it sure doesn't seem ok sometimes.

    You sound like you're still working through a lot of stuff and IMO it's ok to not complicate that work with a relationship. In fact, it can really be liberating and allow you the opportunities to pour 100% of your efforts into this work. Yes a SO is a great benefit in life but sometimes, we just gotta fly solo for a bit.

    IMO you'll know when you're ready for another relationship. Till then, pick up some hobbies, take some classes and spend time indulging your passions in activities that have nothing to do with your work. You never know....you may meet some really interesting people on those journies.

    And you know what else?? Just becasue your dreams with a particular woman didn't come true doesn't mean they won't EVER come true. You have time to build a life with another woman.....don't rush it and take care of you.

    Anyways, hang in there man. This too shall pass.
     
  23. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Thanks, that helps. I am just plugging away and trying to hang out with friends a lot and the rest of the time working. Its going ok.
     
  24. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Dad is getting worse, he is going to a new doctor tomorrow.
     
  25. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    my grand mother was in this similar state, with this disease for three years. It's hard to watch, but I treated her the same as I did before those cells took control of her mind. Id expect the same from others, because inside I know she knows and can hear me and thats what counts. I'm only 19 in college and seem a lot more slick than myself so just keep yourself up. Life's a challenge embrace it and go with it!
     

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