SRS Having Premarital Problems

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by dontheox, Feb 19, 2005.

  1. dontheox

    dontheox New Member

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    I love my fiance very much, but she is not instrested in sex anymore! Use to we would make love all the time, but now its an act of congress and we are about to get married soon.

    She blames it on stress and being tired and I understand that, but on the weekends when thats the only chance to get to have some time alone she could care less she would rather play on the computer than come to bed with me.
    And she also has a hormone condition that could be affecting her sex drive so I am understanding there, it is very frustrating and everytime I bring it up she gets upset so I don't like talking about it.

    And to top it all of she gets pissed when she finds out I was materbating.

    I told her I had to have some release and she said, "How do you think that makes me feel?"

    I honestly do not know what to do! I love her I want to marry her, but I do not want to live my life begging for sex.
     
  2. Mel

    Mel RIP James :(

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    Have you guys been to pre-marital counseling? Perhaps it would give you two a way to rationally discuss this. I've been in her shoes (w/o being engaged) where I once used to have a frequent sex life with my ex, and then I just became disinterested. I was stressed, busy, always tired, and it was probably part of the reason we eventually broke up. I think this happens to women a lot more than men and most men just don't know how to handle it. I highly doubt you'll spend your life begging for sex. Perhaps you can mention to your fiance that this issue is a big deal to you, and when she's ready you would like to sit down and seriously discuss the issue w/o getting angry with each other. Let her come to you about it. Men and women, for the most part, don't always see this issue the same way.

    Good luck
     
  3. dontheox

    dontheox New Member

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    Well everytime I tried to tell her its a big deal to me she gets angry and starts shouting at me .
    She ask, "Why its such a big deal its just sex is that all that matters to you?" and I don't have an arguement for that I just clam up.
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Get thee to couples counselling. Unless there's something physically wrong with her or you, sexual problems when there used to be none, are always a barometer of some internal (but unspoken) dialogue. Well it isn't totally unspoken. The lack of sexual intimacy speaks for itself.

    Counselling. Before the marriage. Before.
     
  5. dontheox

    dontheox New Member

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    Nothing is going on at the moment work is going good for her and for me.



    She just dose not want to talk about it.

    Here is a scary thing I noticed we don't drink that often, but when we do like last night she wants to have sex she is the one who starts it.

    So I don't really know what to think of that. I don't want to turn my future wife into a drunk so I can have sex.
    Or maybe thats the only time she finds me attractive. Who knows at this point I am at a loss.
    The wedding is in May wish me luck.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2005
  6. Mel

    Mel RIP James :(

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    Perhaps you could put everything down in a letter for her to read. That way you can mention all of your points in a way where she can't just scream at you. If she isn't willing to sit down and have a serious discussion with you or hear your side of the story without flipping out, then that's an even bigger problem. Unless you've already had serious discussions about it and she feels like she's talking to a brick wall. I don't really know. :sad2:

    Good luck.
     
  7. dontheox

    dontheox New Member

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    Well I have tried everything else I might as well try that. At this point I am just about willing to try anything.
    I think I am just going to have to live with it for now I don't want her to leave me I love her too much.
    Thanks for all your advice.
     
  8. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    does she scream at you when you bring up other problems? if you don't get to the bottom of that first, you're going to have a rough go of it later. right now you're enforcing her opinion that all she needs to do to get out of talking about something she doesn't want to talk about is to scream at you.

    is she going to scream at your future kids when they do something she doesn't like?

    also, in regards to the not-wanting-sex thing - something is definitely wrong on a deeper level. that's happened to me in two relationships, and in both cases I was growing apart from the other person and simply did not find them interesting any more, and ended the relationship shortly thereafter. maybe she is getting some cold feet about marriage in general, or maybe there is something in your relationship that she doens't like.
     
  9. dontheox

    dontheox New Member

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    No she only gets upset at that particular subject thats why I haven't pushed it to far.

    Maybe its just her hormone levels she did say she was going to the Doc about that. So I am going to hold of on the subject till then.
     
  10. sirrach

    sirrach New Member

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    I'm going through the same situation with my fiance as well. But this started happening before we even got engaged. To be honest, I thought it was a hormone thing too, but I am not too sure. I wrote her an email a few weeks ago saying everything I wanted to say about the subject, and it seems to have made a difference. Maybe you should try that route? It still isn't where I want it to be, but it is getting much better.
     
  11. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    Maybe there is something in her diet that is causing her hormones to get screwy. I noticed a change for the better ;) when I quit drinking diet soda, consuming anything with aspartame and cut out as much processed sugar as possible. I also feel like I can make it through the workday, even when things are busy and stressful. Just a suggestion, but diet and overall health does affect you in many areas.

    Regardless, this needs to be straightened out before you tie the knot. Whatever is bad BEFORE marriage is ten times worse after.
     
  12. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Also ten times harder to fix after too :hs:
     
  13. dontheox

    dontheox New Member

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    She dose drink a ton of diet coke and uses sweeter in everthing so maybe I should tell her about that.
    Thanks for the info!
     
  14. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    Before you get married, you'll have to have some counseling.
    I think she might be unhappy with you. Still, it could be other issues.
     
  15. Whalephat

    Whalephat Conservative Bastard

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    Definitely either seek help before the marriage or put the marrige on hold indefinitely. These things NEVER get better after you've tied the knot. When you're dating is when you're supposed to be on your best behavior for each other. If it's this bad now, it will be indescribably worse later.

    Trust me.
     
  16. BBQ Monster

    BBQ Monster New Member

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    My brother was going through this same problem. He tried talking to his wife and she would not listen. She said the same thing "is all you see me as is a sex toy", and like you he could not reply. The only advice I can give is when in the end of everything between them, they found out she was pregnant. BUT, before she was pregant, she was sleeping around on him. Which caused her not to want him to touch her, because she felt discusted with herself or she was just attracted to someone else. I am not trying to feel your head with bad thoughts or anything, just trying to give you some options. If she WILL NOT talk about this, HOW are you two going to communicate with touchier subjects when they accure. SUCH as when she goes through menapase, or if a loved one dies. You cannot let her rule the relationship due to her feeling inadequate about this one subject. Sorry to say this but, Love is a wonderful thing when it works in both ways. And when it is going left to left instead of left to right, there will be ups and downs. Every marriage has its problems, but why start one with issues, you want a fresh slate right? Make her talk, if you have to deal with the screaming do it. I guess that is her way of expressing herself. Keep compassionate about the situation, and NEVER raise your voice. If she does, let her, but try to talk. If their is NO communication there is know need to get married.
     
  17. wavejumper

    wavejumper Guest

    it could be the stress. My wife and I went through the same thing. now we are like rabbits almost 5 years later.
     
  18. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    Yeah and I also used to feel pretty emotional during my monthly womanhood celebration [sarcasm] but since I've cut that crap out of my diet I feel the same as a "normal" day :)
     
  19. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Ditto. I cut refined sugars out of my diet where possible and made sure I was eating properly and often, and now my mood swings are nonexistent.
     
  20. dontheox

    dontheox New Member

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    I told her about the diet coke and sweetner, and she said she would try and see.

    I will (ahem) let you know the results of the experiment.
     
  21. laracroft

    laracroft teh croft

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    I agree.
     
  22. Riconosuave

    Riconosuave New Member

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    Definitely get this worked out before you actually get married. If she is already acting like this, guess what will happen when you say, "I do." Something is not right. Either it's a power trip type deal, or she is cheating (maybe she met someone on the internet, hence all her time on the comp). If you can't talk to each other about this right now, do you think marriage will make her all of a sudden open up (pun intended).
     
  23. erynne936

    erynne936 my av is a car, but i'm a girl. stop calling me b OT Supporter

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    since you mention excessive nutrasweet, is she feeling very uncomfortable w her body or is she anorexic or borderline anorexic by any chance? when i went through a borderline anorexic phase in my life i felt very turned off towards sex, to the point where i was disgusted by it.
     
  24. dontheox

    dontheox New Member

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    No she is very healthy physicaly she is not fat or too skinny.
     
  25. dontheox

    dontheox New Member

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    I think my soon to be wife found this thread. She has not said anything to me about it, but I have good feeling she has seen it.

    Anyways I am not posting on this thread anymore.

    I am very grateful for all your help and advice.

    And sweetie if you do see this and your mad I only did it because I love you.
     

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