SRS Having a hard time living with the past, and forgiving myself...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by LancerV, Nov 23, 2005.

  1. LancerV

    LancerV Something Happened OT Supporter

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    I've never shared any of this information with anyone, it has always been between me and god only. Without knowing any information thought it would be impossible to help me though in any way.

    I've only had one major gf, I was 17 and she 19. Dated for close to 9months, and of course along the way we had sex, which wasn't really a big deal for me at all, because I loved her and well I thought she loved me but thats an even longer story.

    This is where it kinda takes a sinker/slider/curve ball, the things I can never seem to live with and forgive myself for is my two other girls I had sex with, but this is the curve, when I was 11, and one when I was 12. Like I can still remeber it in detail what happpened, and having memories of having sex with a 12yr old is :ugh: I just feel really bad because I could have possiblly screwed over two girls and not even know it. I mean what if there some cracked out whore, or daddy by know thanks to me? My mind will just wander off on thoughts like for a good hour or two at times.

    Whats even worse though is I have to live a life of lies thanks to my actions, which just eat me alive. Whenever the topic of sex or anything related to sex, I have to say oh Ive only had one gf etc.. and she was my first, and I also told my ex-gf that she was my first even though she wasnt which is another thing I have a hard time dealing with.

    Another thing is I can not remember anything prior to thosse years which makes me wonder was I mollested when I was a child and thats how I knew about sex at such a young age, and why I had sex at a young age? My mind can wander for hours on these type of questions, but I can never seem to truly forgive myself from my past, and accept my past. I can never go up to anyone and say Yea I've done this etc...

    I just seem to be really stuck on this issue in my life, this would be the other reason why I tried to kill myself the other night.

    All these previous relationship issues, have also caused me not trust anyone, and not want to date anyone. I mean YES I would love to feel love and love someone, but I always have this fear of my past.
     
  2. Bioanger

    Bioanger Self-Proclaimed moron

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    I've had a similarly awkward past, and I can say with some confidence that I don't ever expect to forget about it. However, I did find it useful to discuss it with other people as you are now doing; I have been able to keep the past out of my daily life after I talked about mine.
     
  3. LancerV

    LancerV Something Happened OT Supporter

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    Anyone else?
     
  4. quid

    quid I Piss Excellence OT Supporter

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    worrying about things wont help them, all you can do now is encourage people to not do what you did. and you yourself make the better decision for yourself next time things come up.

    another thing is, when your that young, your not capible of making proper decisions so how can you hold yourself accountable for them. you did what you did, too bad so sad but life goes on. sitting worrying, wondering, hoping, praying cannot change anything and it does you no good in the present.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Forgiveness is a souls strongest trait, to forgive others but mainly to forgive ourselves. You have to forgive yourself for your actions, because mainly you had no idea of any long term consequenses or your action towards the future. Your body starts to become sexual active and you needed to find a balance between body and soul peace before you can accept that what happend to you could be considered as a normal event ' experimenting ' and all of such, you shouldn't let this eat you alive, which you can achieve by forgiving yourself.
     
  6. LancerV

    LancerV Something Happened OT Supporter

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    Thats the problem I don't even know how to forgive myself, I mean I can say I forgive myself but meaning it is another thing.
     
  7. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    I never had sex that young but I do have a few men that i slept with that I look back on and it makes me cringe.

    First you need to accept it. You need to acknowledge that it happened. You can't heal and forgive yourself until then
     
  8. LancerV

    LancerV Something Happened OT Supporter

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    Yes, but its kinda easier to say Im going to accept it, than it is to accept it
     
  9. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    Acknowledge that it happened and see how you go. You don't have to agree with what happened to be able to accept that it did ineed happen.
     
  10. LancerV

    LancerV Something Happened OT Supporter

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    I know it happened I just dont know why it happened, and how it effected me, and how the hell do you tell someone that, do I continue to lie to anyone that asks or just tell them the truth?
     
  11. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    Well it wouldn't be something that you would tell a lot of people. But why not tell them exactly what you just typed up there? You don't have to know the answer to everything in life. We live and learn and sometimes we never know why things happen or what effect they have on us until a long way down the track.
     
  12. LancerV

    LancerV Something Happened OT Supporter

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    I meant close friends/gf's I think every girl that I've ever dated has asked me those type of questions I just ussually dont respond.
     
  13. bigman7903

    bigman7903 OT Supporter

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    unfortunatly you'll never really know why it happened, you were 12 yrs old and it was all physical at that point, it probably meant nothing more than just experimenting and you feeling your oats

    at this point i would assume you are 19-20?, if someone asks just say 3 partners, your not lying, you've had 3 partners, they dont need anymore than that. if you do get into another relationship and it does come up, just put it out on the table and make it known how much you truely regret it, they should be understanding or they really arnt worth the time

    suggestion - therapist?, OT is good for getting stuff off your chest but they (professional) might be able to get too the bottom of these troubles better then we would
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2005
  14. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    Until you show your true self to someone you will never truely be loved and accepted for the person you really are. Don't deny yourself that.

    You don't need to go into detail about it, unless of course they ask and you can always say that you would prefer not to. I don't think it should be treated any different to any other sexual encounter.

    The more you make it weird, the more people will get across from you that they should treat it like that
     

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