Haning with ex, but friends causing a problem:

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by DTR rex, Oct 13, 2007.

  1. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    I dated a girl for ~ 6 years and as the time indicates we were pretty serious... talk of marriage, perfect for each other, etc...

    She broke up with me about 5 months ago and the first couple months we really didn't talk much. We started hanging out again as friends and the last 1.5 months we have been getting close again with saying I love you, saying how much we mean to each other, having sex occasionally, and cuddling, etc..

    Just as a background I didn't treat her all that well when we were going out. I never cheated and was very faithful to her, never abused her physically, but I wasn't really there for her and didn't give the love and attention that she deserved. When she dumped me I was in a pretty rough spot and in order to get out of it completely reinvented myself and changed a lot.
    She noticed the change and fell back in love with me, and loved the way I was treating her now, etc..

    Well, she has been playing this push-pull crap with me where she says how much she loves me, wants to be with me, give us another chance.... and then all the sudden out of nowhere she says we are getting too close, she needs time apart to figure herself out and doesn't want to get hurt again. We have been playing this back and forth game for nearly 2 months now :rolleyes:

    I found out that a big reason she pulls away from me is because of her friends at college. When we are together and she is away from her friends we are PERFECT together. However, when she goes back to school during the week her friends (who are mostly single) tell her to forget about me, move on, and that I am never going to really change... I am just trying to win her back and such.
    Unfortunately, she is rather easy to convince and she takes their advice very seriously and lets it get to her. She is 23 and for some stupid reason takes relationship advice from her 20 year old friends :hsugh:

    I guess basically, I am super confused here and I don't understand why she puts so much stock in what some 20 year olds have to say about relationships when none of them have been in one for longer than 6 months! I am getting kinda sick of being toyed with... and she feels really bad about it, but she's "just so confused".
    How come we can be perfect together and she will want to give us another shot, and then her friends can convince her otherwise the very next day.. and then she sees me and wants to be with me again.

    And for those saying her friends are just looking out for her, I am not so sure that is it. They have a friend that REALLY REALLY likes her (says he loves her, lol) and they are hell bent on getting her to date him even though she doesn't want to... so it seems their desire to keep me and her apart is more-so based on their desire to hook her up with a friend.

    Any input..... especially from the ladies here.
     
  2. Stev

    Stev Active Member

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    If she cant stand up to the friends on this very simple thing.. its not worth it dude. Trust me.

    Read my thread about how in love and stepped on i was, becuase of this right here. The family didnt like me, the friends didnt like me. Her and i, we made it work for a long time. But it became a ME vs THEM.

    Either way it comes down to, she has to be adult enough, and know herself and your relationship enough to know what she wants. And if words from a few friends can change her wants/priorities. In the long run, you will run into stuff like i did, they get on her case for hanging out with you too much, then for a few weeks she is a ghost and u never see her. You dont want to play that game.

    Sit her down, and talk to her. Tell her your concerns and make it clear your intentions and you want her to have lots of great friends. But she has to decide for herself, and make it clear to her friends. True friends are supportive of healthy realationships, and if yours is healthy, maybe the buck needs to be passed to YOU for showing them that you can be a good guy and not the dick to her you were before.
     
  3. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    I think if getting back together with her is something you really want to do that you need to talk to her and convince her to make her own decision on this one. No matter what you tell her in regards to her friends, they're her friends and she's going to want to take their advice because she trusts them.

    If you're telling her that her friends are giving her bad advice she's going to constantly be thinking about all the times they told her that you are going to "try and win her back", and she'll think that's what you're doing.


    I think ultimately you need to give her an ultimatum and let her know she needs to decide whether she wants to be with you or not. If she does want to be with you, then that's what will happen, but if she doesn't, she needs to know that you need to move on.
     
  4. Stev

    Stev Active Member

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    :nono:
    No man or woman wants or will react kindly to an ultimatium. Especially if she is on the fence on the entire relationship.
     
  5. HuskiRuski

    HuskiRuski Cardinal Fan

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    ugh i'm in a similar situation, although maybe not quite at that stage yet.

    it's so annoying.

    the best advice i can give you is to approach the situation as if you will never get back together. move on and find other options and keep contact with her to a minimum.

    whether the reason why she hasn't fully come back to you is her friends' doing or not, the fact remains that she just isn't ready to take the plunge yet. when you feel strongly about someone and are ready to spend the rest of your life with them, you'll be blind to your friends advice. she still isn't sure about you, and it's totally unfair for her to string you along while she still isn't sure. you deserve better.

    if sometime down the road she's sure about you and you are still into her, then you can give it another try. but until then, keep all possible options open and tone down the contact with her.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2007
  6. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    So wait, you "didnt treat her all that well" and "didnt give her love and attention" for ~ 6 years, but now that she's been flakey for 2 months, you're fed up? Wow, that sounds fair.

    She probably is "just confused" - for 6 years you were together but you didnt treat her that good, but now that youre broken up, you treat her much better - isnt that a little confusing?

    And about her friends, yes, they are just trying to look out for her. They were probably there for her over the past 6 years when she was looking for emotional support....
     
  7. Insert Tokens

    Insert Tokens Making Cancer My Bitch OT Supporter

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    I'm in the EXACT same situation right now.. :wtc:

    I wish I had advice but i'm just as confused/lost/hurt as you.

    She says she loves me, we work PERFECTLY together (that's one differnece to your story I guess, I spoiled her rotten, treated her as well as I could, was other reasons for our problems), have known each other for 8 years and we get along so fucking well it's ridiculous.. but friends/family don't think we should be together (different race/cultures, doesnt bother us, but it bothers them).. so now we're doing what you're doing.. we're broken up, she's adamant about that, but when she sees me she's all over me, we've bonked a few times, she calls me up saying how badly she wants me, but we "won't work as a relationship" apparantly.

    Now i'm thinking it might be easier just to wipe her out of my life and move on completely.. just to get rid of the hurt.
     
  8. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    It wasn't for 6 years... It was like the last 2 years of our relationship that I didn't treat her well.... and by not treating her well all I mean is that I wasn't always there for her emotionally and could have been a better listener and given her more attention.

    I know what you're saying though... I have no problem putting up with hardtimes, because I made her go through it for so long. The only thing that really gets me is that one day she loves me and everything is perfect, the next day she talks to her friends and needs distance and time, etc...

    As for the friends.... Let me clarify, LOL. All these friends of her that talk shit about me have never met me. She has in fact, only been friends with them for ~ 9 months. Which is why it pisses me off that she is seeking their advice to tentatively. These are all her immature and attention-whored college friends that have never had a relationship last longer than 6 months.
    All of her friends that have known her forever (and know me) tells her to get back with me... but now that shes in living at college she sees these new friends a lot more than her old ones.
     
  9. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Thanks for the input everyone.

    I am not going to give an ultimatum, because that is just not cool. I wasn't nearly as good to her as I should have been during the relationship so giving her an ultimatum at this point just wouldn't be fair.
    I have tried to sit down and talk to her about this... many times in fact but always gets us nowhere. She always just says her friends are looking out for her, and that she's afraid I am going to "change back" the minute we start dating again, etc... So she needs time and space to really figure out what it is that she wants and if she is willing to take the risk because she still has not forgiven me for the past and isn't sure if she ever can.

    It just sucks when we spend the weekend together and everything is perfect... she crashes at my place, tells me she loves me and how awesome I am and such. And then when she goes back to school and hangs with her friends a lot she has a totally different attitude of coldness and being rather distant.... and when she talks to me sometimes I can hear their asses in the background giving her advice on what to say to me :rolleyes:

    I know I shouldn't be putting up with this and should just walk away and say "fuck it.... come talk to me when you can make decisions for yourself"... but I feel I owe her more than that. However, she is 23 years old, and this is getting kinda ridiculous. Since our breakup I have become considerably more mature and she has become considerably less mature.
     
  10. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    rex what's wrong bud, no more F&N?
     
  11. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    Have you gone to meet any of these friends?
     
  12. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    I'm still there.

    I post there almost daily :)
     
  13. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    No... well, sorta.

    I get along rather well with her old friends from high school and such, but her new friends at college automatically do not like me (according to what my ex says). I guess when we broke up she was really really upset (she did the dumping mind you) and they saw how hurt she was and don't like me I guess.

    I did meet a couple of them, and the ones I did meet apparently like me... A lot!

    There are a few others though that don't want to meet me and tell her on a daily basis to stay away from me and to move on. But my ex has told me specifically that these girls want her to date their friend that likes her and that is sorta why they don't want to meet me.
    Plus, this guy disrespected me to my face and nearly got his ass beat... so now he is afraid to be within 10 miles of me and her friends see me as a jerk since this dude is afraid I will kick his ass.

    It just pisses me off that we dated for 6 years and she is taking the advice of some 20 y/o's that she has know for like 9 months.

    The point is.... We had our problems and we were doing very well at working through them, but she is very easily persuaded and these friends of hers are playing a huge roll in the inability of us to more forward here.
    She see's me on the weekends and loves every minute, but Monday - Friday she is with these friends that are constantly telling her to date this guy, meet that guy, and to forget about me because i'll only hurt her again :rolleyes:
     
  14. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Also, just to get it out there before anyone says it (because I know it's coming, lol).....

    You're probably thinking I should say forget about her, if she wants to have her friends and take their advice so thoroughly then let her.... Let her play her stupid confused mind-games and just say fuck it and walk away.... and just move on.

    Normally, I would extend this advice as well but truth be told we still love one another, we still get along great, and there were times when I was a jerk in the past I feel I kinda owe it to her to stick this out and try to move through it.

    She just keeps saying she is confused. One minute she talks about marrying me and us being perfect... The next day it's "I don't know about us... this person said this, my friend said that... and I am afraid of getting hurt again if I get too invested in you", etc...
     
  15. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    Tell her that you love her and that you're willing to do whatever to work through the problems you two have because you're great together and you hope she can see past what other people are saying because they don't know the situation or the relationship the way you two do. Let her know that you hope that she can see that her friends really don't know the situation so they can't give her very accurate advice and that you hope she doesn't let them ruin something great for you guys. Then just keep doing what you're doing. Don't get angry or talk bad about her friends. Try to stay as calm and friendly as possible. Hell, tell her you think it's great that she has friends that care enough to try to protect her, but you know that they wouldn't be saying those things if they really knew the situation. Just keep treating her well and try not to get her stuck in the middle. That's really all you can do if you don't want to just give up now.
     
  16. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Yeah, I suppose that's all I can do at this point.

    I figure one of two things will happen:

    1) I will stick around and continue putting up with it all and being good to her in hopes that she comes around and can actually open up to the idea of us getting together again without fear of her being hurt and friends swaying her decision.

    or

    2) I continue to stick around and nothing changes but I feel that what I owed to her I have already fulfilled by sticking around this long and it's time to say fuck it and move on.

    Obviously I am hoping for the first option considering she still talks about loving me, marrying me, and us being great together.... but who the hell knows. Women are super confusing.
     

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