SRS Hand's Tied

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Punky72, Jan 6, 2008.

  1. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    I am currently dealing with some really serious issues with my kid's and the ex.

    I will try to keep this brief but don't know if I can so here goes....

    I have been divorced for about 4 years now. It was a non-contested divorce and we have shared custody of the two children we have together. ( I get them one week and he gets them the next.)

    A few months after our divorce he got involved with a women who has 4 children (3 of which were taken away by the state for reason's unknown to me) and a son that lives with them. The son is 10 yrs old now and has ADHD and 2 months ago diagnosed with ODD (oppositional Defiance Disorder)...ODD is a VERY serious mental disorder that if left untreated turns into "Anti-Social".

    So here's my dilemma...My son has been acting out for a few months now and tells me he is "scared" of this kid and he is contently "fighting" with him and bulling him. He doesn't want to go back to his dad's anymore and wants to "stay with only me".

    Just last week, This 10 yr old boy was wrestling with my son and "kicked and punched" him very hard, then he started a fight with my son over breakfast and my son ended up pulling a steak knife off the counter, pointed it at the 10 yr old and told him to stop.

    So my ex grounded my son to his room and the other boy got no punishment because "boy's will be boy's and wrestle around"...I tried desperately to explain to my ex that wrestling around is TOTALLY not acceptable behavior for kid's with ODD because they dont know when to stop and can SERIOUSLY hurt someone.

    My son tells me he had no intention of stabbing the 10 yr old or hurting him. He just wanted him to "be afraid of my son the way my son is afraid of him" and to stop "hurting" him.

    Both of my kid's are in therapy and their therapist feels this is a serious situation and my son should be taken away from this until the other boy receives proper treatment. I suggested my son stay with me until the other boy is "stable" but my ex responded with "you are not taking my son away from me" and " I have to trust him to protect our kid's" (yeah, right, like he protected them when my 6 yr old son was able to pull a fucking knife on this other kid?????????)

    One of the boy's apparently said something about this at school and it was hot lined ...so family services spoke to all three kids and went to my ex's house and interviewed him and his gf. To no avail though because they say that things "look okay there and this is probably and open/shut case"

    Meantime my son says he feels like no one listens to him and no one cares how he feels except me...

    I feel so damned helpless in this because my ex is in denial of the severity of this other kid's diagnosis and the effects it is having on own son and I am bound by this damned court order for "shared custody"...

    Any advice is welcome...help ....BTW going back to court is kind of out because I don't have $3000 retainer fee for an attorney.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2008
  2. Asherman

    Asherman New Member

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    It may be time to consult with your attorney.
     
  3. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest

    Is it an option to have the ex visit his son at your house only, instead of having to go over to theirs?
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    What's important is that you seperate your son from the ODD kid, tell your ex that he MUST seperate those two children to garentee the safety of your child. If he cannot garentee it, then as above poster said, then he must come towards your house.
     
  5. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    I am sure there is a law about visitation where the child MUST be brought to a safe place. You could possibly get his visitation cut off if your EX wont fix the problem.
     
  6. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    I have look for anything legally that I can do to stop his visitation. Unfortunately, I have to take him back to court which I can not afford right now.
     
  7. BritishHumpingWitch

    BritishHumpingWitch New Member

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    Keep them seperated...(the other child and your son). If your husband wants to see your son, then I think it should be on your son's terms where he feels safe. Worst case, you contact your Attourney to settle this. Your husband is not going to see logic and sense as long as he's involved with this woman and her children; you're going to be in the wrong (even if you are right), because you're the ex.
     
  8. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

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    I agree with everyone else. Go see an attorney. It costs money, but if this kid does seriously injure your son, I think the medical bills are going to be higher and it's just going to be worse than if you got an attorney. I'm sure there are attorney's that do pro-bono work. Just do some research and find out.
     
  9. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    okay here's an update:

    My son's therapist reported this incident to the child abuse hot line and family services got involved.

    They interviewed me via phone and interviewed both the boy's at school. My son told this social worker EVERYTHING. He said he was afraid of his dad and of the other boy and just wants to stay with me because here he feels safe (this took extreme courage for my son and I couldn't be prouder of him). The principle of my son's school told the social worker that for what it's worth she can see a big difference in the kid's from my week to their dad's week. (in my favor).

    The social worker then goes to my ex's and does a walk through and interviews him and the gf. She gave them a check list of things that need to be fixed in the next 30 to 45 days for their return visit. However, the kid's had to return to my ex's on Monday for his week (the social worker said so...UGH!!!). Sadly my son now feels that no other adult listens and got into trouble at school today by hitting another kid.

    My ex thinks I called family services in an attempt to get the kid's away from him and says he will fight me on it every step of the way. Again it's all about him and not what is the best interest of the kid's. Tomorrow I have an appoint with the therapist as well as an attorney for the kid's (free representation recommended by the therapist) to sue him for full custody...

    I have a long and rough road ahead of me and am in total fear for my kid's until they are with me full time. All I can do now is pray they will not suffer too much more. Not to mention the fight my ex will put up to keep his "possessions" (because that is what he shows is they are possessions not his children)...I can see that I will need lots of emotional support over the next few months so if I vent a lot please forgive me...
     
  10. The Ripper

    The Ripper New Member

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    i wish you the best. I was a child that grew up in a similar situation. I had a dad that was just using me to get back at my mom and saw me as a bargening tool to get what he wanted. It seems that its the same here. He doesnt really want to let you have more time with your kids because his pride is getting in the way and he is trying to use the kids to get back at you. It happens alot.

    What sucks is the kids are getting hurt in the prossess. I can feel for the other kid who has the issues but you cant put your kids in trouble because he isnt getting adequate attention. Luckily for me I had grandparents that fought tooth and nail to make sure I wasnt put in a dangerous enviornment. My dad and his wife and her older sons were really into drugs and I was exposed to all of it.

    If it wasnt for my grandparents I would have probably ended up a really messed up person with alot of issues. Luckily some one fought for me the way you are trying to fight for your kids. Dont give up because these are the moments your kids are going to remember for the rest of their lives. You have to fight tooth and nail to make sure the safety of your children is guaranteed. Thats what it means to be a parent and from what im seeing you seem to be an excellent one.
     
  11. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    Thanks Ripper....that means a lot.

    I grew up in the same situation with my parents (they divorced when I was only 2 yrs old) and unfortunately they both use me as a tool to get back at one another. I never had any adult "protection" in my life and grew up really quick.

    I guess this is why it bothers me so much because I would NEVER do that sort of thing to my children and want to desperately protect them like I never had protection myself. This whole situation has been very trying on me because I want to fix it NOW...I sort of feel as if I have let my son down because he pored his little heart out and so far to no avail (at least from his point of view)...and right now there is nothing I can do that will fix it fast...anything I can and will do will take time. I just hope that I can keep encouraging my son not to give up even though he appears to be starting to.

    This really breaks my heart in two...I love my kid's more then anything in this world and I just hope this doesn't cause permanent damage to my son's mental health or create trust issues for him...he's just so young to have to deal with such a bad situation.
     
  12. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Please for the love of God, I do hope it's brief.

    Sounds reasonable, alright.

    Alright, so the both has a mental health condition. Are you assuming this pattern is a matter of the new woman not caring for her children appropriately? That's the impression I get given you felt the need to mention the other 3 who were "taken away."

    That's a very serious problem. I now understand why you're concerned. Clearly something extremely unhealthy is taking place there.

    The escalation of violence here is life threatening. It's time to call the lawyer.

    I agree. Your child appears to be in danger.

    That's a very "human" response to being assaulted. Children and adults either fight back, run, or curl up in a ball.

    Time to call the lawyer. If the father wants to see his child a new stipulation of the child not being involved or near the other child or woman is necessary. If the father wants to see his boy, he can come to your house or take the boy out to go somewhere, but having the boy at the other house is dangerous.

    You will have no problem getting a judge to approve this. When a child testifies to something of this nature it's by default they'll usually listen to the child.

    For them it's open and shut, but not when your lawyer gets ahold of them.

    Then it's time you call the father over to have a little chat with the boy present. Then the boy can express himself with both parents present. When the father hears what his son has to say, if he belittles or minimizes the boys complaint then he'll be in big trouble. I suggest taping the interview you and your husband have with the boy. Let the father know he's being taped. If he chooses not to come over for the interview let him know your lawyer will be in touch.

    You can get full custody at this rate, but if he's willing to agree to helping solve the problem, he will still be able to see his boy and work this out.

    You aren't helpless, call your lawyer, or bring the boy with you to the lawyer. I'd give your husband a shot with an interview together. If that fails, bring the boy to the lawyer. I'd get started immediately. You aren't court ordered to share custody once the court hears about this.

    File with the court, when children are involved they'll usually provide one. Call your lawyer and ask what options you have without the ability to pay immediately as well. You may find he's willing to help.
     
  13. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    So, my son had a break though at therapy on Wednesday.

    He said that things are going a little better at is dad's so far this week and I also found out some really tough things to hear from him...

    I had a bf shortly after my divorce (rebound thing) and I just found out (1 1/2 yrs after the fact) that he was physically and mentally abusing my kid's when I was working or at school. I only knew about the one time that my oldest daughter (who has Down's Syndrome) ended up with bruises on her and she told me he did it....Well I kicked him IMMEDIATELY out of my house (using EXTREME self control not to slit his fucking throat)...unfortuately the abuse was going on for a long period of time and the reason my kid's never said anything was he threaten to beat me up and probably kill me if the kid's ever told....wow, this is really hadr to talk about...I'll come back to it later...sorry:wtc:
     
  14. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

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    that must be really tough :hug: We're hear for you whenever you want/ can talk about it. Just continue your therapy. Things'll get better, you just have to keep looking forward now and continue doing what you're doing. I must say, you're an awesome mother. I hope to be as brave and as good a mother as you someday. :)
     
  15. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    This is shocking news.
     
  16. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    you could take your kid to mixed martial arts classes, to teach him discipline and how to fuck this 10 yr old punk up

    sorry didnt read whole post.



    usually i am a strong advocate of fathers rights, but this dad sounds like a bum, be a good mom, sue for custody. and move the fuck away from that dad.
     
  17. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    . this is very unfortunate i cant even imagine what you must be going through i wish you luck
     
  18. The Ripper

    The Ripper New Member

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    damn that sucks it sounds like your kids have been through alot already. its ruff and single parents have alot more work to do. Its tough being a single parent because any one you potentially date has to meet a certain criteria
     
  19. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    Update:

    Going to get an attorney for my son and let him sue for my custody (looking to emancipate my son from his dad) hope it works considering he is only 6.

    I have been talking to all 3 of my kids about the ex-boyfriend situation and have found out a lot of hard facts to hear. However, using this as a teaching tool for my kid's to be able to talk to me about ANYTHING and that predators will use every threat in the book to keep them quite. I hate they had to learn this way but hoping it can turn into a positive thing if possible.

    Plus, if I ever see this guy I'll have to try to resist the temptation of running the bastard down with my car or beating him within an inch of his life.

    My bf has been extremely supportive and has volunteered to step up and be a positive male role model for my kids. (God how did I luck out so much?) Plus he will be getting more involved with my son and doing "guy things" with him (giving him more un-divided attention)

    I will be enrolling my son in Karate classes to help with the anger control, getting aggressions out, and self-protection.

    Wow, I never thought being a parent could be so hard. However, I will make any and all sacrifices necessary for the three most precious and beautiful people in my life.
     
  20. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Good, exactly. The boy can testify, his oral or written presentation before a court will end this drama.


    Agreed, teach them about all the dangers.

    File charges against him. The testimoni of the children will help solve that problem too. Contact your local police department to begin that process. Tell them "I just found out, what do I do?" - they will help. There is a statute of limitations, it's not up yet for him.

    Very positive, but don't be surprised if the children have some problems still along the way with a male figure. The abuse may affect that.

    Good idea. He'll need an outlet.

    You're on the right track miss.
     
  21. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    Thanks Metallic....

    I found out there is NO statue of limitations on any kind of child abuse...I contacted the police department..with the therapist help...in front of my kid's to show them that I for one believe them (how could I not) and to show them that their mom will take a stand against ANYONE who hurts my babies PERIOD!!! My ex-boyfriend is in for a REAL surprise. OH best part!!!! My kid's do not have to face this bastard at all, they will testify in the judges chambers and will be kept far away from this creep so they don't have to be scared of him. My son is still petrified this guy is now going to try to hurt me, but I assured him that if he came by our house he would be leaving in either an ambulance or body bag (I'm done with being afraid of people...Plus I'm plain LIVID about what this asshole did to my kid's)

    Tonight we start my son's karate classes...so wish me luck on that one:x:..
     
  22. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I'm impressed.

    That's exactly how the process works, I've been there too. Seems I've been everywhere, doesn't it? I "was" that kid testifying at one time.

    Should go well, teach him that it's "good" to defend yourself when you absolutely have no other way out of the situation. That way he's not afraid of hurting the "bad" folk. Either run, or fight!
     
  23. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    Sorry you were the kid that had to testify...I know what that feels like, only I was the teenage who had to testify in front of my attackers (my uncle and two of his buddies) and be made into the criminal instead of the victim. Funny how someone can leave you for dead and your the criminal. Suppose that's why I was so concerned about pressing charges. I didn't want my kid's to have to endure that sort of thing.

    We are off to karate now...hope my son enjoys it cause my head feels as if it going to explode (migraine)...

    BTW...thanks for the encouragement Metallic. I really do appreciate it.
     
  24. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Seems we all have our cross to bare.
     
  25. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    I know there are somethings on that cross I put there. However, it kind of makes me angry sometimes that other people nailed me to it...sorry, bit of self-pity shining through there. I have those moments sometimes.

    Bright side though. Took my son to karate last night and he was so scared at first. The grandmaster took him into a private session (with me in there to watch) and holy shit my son learns fast...(takes after his mom:naughty:) ...he even broke a board last night ON THE FIRST TRY...(can you tell I'm proud????)I really believe this will be good for him....OH OH the best part is that for the students to earn there next belt they have to get a check list filled out by their parents AND school. See, they have to use the respect and self-control outside of the do-jo, and make GOOD grades, or else they can not move to the next level...HOW COOL IS THAT??????????? I think that's worth $90 a month don't you?
     

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