SRS Guys, I need help, Im not doing so well....bad thoughts again

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by William H. Bonney, Jul 30, 2008.

  1. William H. Bonney

    William H. Bonney New Member

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    First off, yes, this is an AE. It just has to be this way for me here. If you figure out who I am please do not reveal just PM me if you want to say something.

    I know I have posted here before about thoughts of death and not wanting to deal with life but each time I come back it feels stronger and stronger. Tonight, I came close. I sat there with a bottle of 90 ambien sitting in front of me debating and coming close to swallowing them all with a Xanax chaser of about 20mg.

    I dont know what to do...my whole life is just a big nothing. My wife left me, the girl I was dating and starting to care for left me. I have a job I do not like that does not pay great but has potential. I cannot pay the bills that I have and my student loans are coming up here again soon and I do not know how I am going to pay them. I do not feel like there is anything left for me to work towards. I hate being alone yet I have no one. I have nothing to turn to or nothing to look forward to. My therapy has been good for talking but beyond that not much else. Im on medication for depression and some mood stabilizers but Im not sure what good that they do. I get so overwhelmed buy everything. Like right now there is laundry to be done, ironing to be done and a few other things around the house and I cant even get the motivation to get the fuck out of bed. I get up, putz around the house go to work come home and sit. What the fuck is there else to do. Everything I enjoyed reminds me of my wife or reminds me of something I did enjoy but no longer do. I take no joy in anything anymore. I love my mom and dad and brother but what good is that. All I ever wanted to do was have my own family and the woman I know I wanted to have it with is gone now, off with another man. Life is spiraling out of control and its speeding up not slowing down. My anexity is through the roof. My mind floats to things like the coming winter and how miserable they are and the holidays and how they are going to suck without her family because there is next to no one in mine.

    Then my thoughts turn to rage, I want to hurt her (not physically) and make her feel like I do. She took the easy way out, how come I never get the easy way out. Why is it that ever fucking aspect of my life is the struggle. When do I catch my break? I thought I caught it with her, obviously I could not even keep that. Where do I go? Im not seeing many more options here than taking the cowards way out...each day is just more pain, more dissapointment and more anexity controling my life. Please God help me.
     
  2. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    I sent you a PM.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    When i was close to comitting suicide ,i mean i was already hanging my neck thru the rope. The thought came to my mind that this wasn't the way how i should be dealing with troubles, suicide is a false door which is always the wrong choice,

    I realised i was so consumed by my own problems that i didn't even know how much hurt i would cause my family members and my loved ones how many tears would flow if i comitted suicide. I also started reading about people who had near dead experiences by comitting suicide, they basically said that it comes down to that you will be reincarnated and have to live that same life over again up till the point that you comitted suicide and have to face and overcome that same struggle again.

    I was depressed to the lowest point i could ever possible imagine, there was no hope, nothing seemed to work out. You know depression is actually an akward thing, because its asif something inside of yourself is dying and because of the problems you become immobilized.

    There is only one solution, and its internal. Nothing outside of yourself can solve your problems for you.
    Stop running, and face your problems. They arent nearly as hard when you're fighting them as when you're running from them.

    If you are in a rut and stuck with your life, you need to give it a swing in a new and positive direction by carving a new path with your own power.

    Do not expect leperchauns to appear and solve your issues, do not wait, be the dictator of your own life and take the situation in your own hands.

    There are only three directions in life, down where death lies, stay where you are and go in circles, or up where an improved life lies ahead, the first 2 are worthless and lead to nowhere, this is important because it means you can set the course of your life, to the only direction that is valuable ,namely upwards towards into progress. It doesn't matter from there on wether you win or lose in life, you simply keep on following the positive course, that way you can ALWAYS be confident no matter what happens, because you know that going for gold in your life is the only right way to live.

    If change was just a thought, then anyone could do it. But reality is that you can't just sit around feeling miserable for yourself and the situation you are in while being punched in the face by the reality of life. Those thoughts of change, can't become real if you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself, if you want to change then why would you stay in a state of paralyzation? If that happens it means you do not want to change, you are simply waiting for the world and people to change around you as you see fit, therefore

    Without walking, there's no way to move forward, you'll just end up waiting.

    If i where you id start working a second job to pay off the debts, i would bury the past, there's nothing left there for you so don't dwell on it like some sort of zombie on the graves. The only thing you can do is try to improve the future. Start realising that its YOU who makes YOU happy, by actively working and improving your own situation. You go thru all the shit in order to progress to a better life.
     
  4. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Have you spoken with your local crisis team? They can lend a good ear when you get to that point. I had my fiance talking to them for a while after he started flipping out trying to make the world feel his pain.

    It helped. We're in a much better place now. It IS possible for you to get there, it just takes effort.

    Nothing will ever be stress free, but there are MANY positives. If you can find the way they're not beyond your reach.

    Don't decide that everything is bad because it's just not true. If you do that then you're perma-pwnd by life. Please turn things around then post how things are better.

    :hug:
     
  5. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    When you're feeling so down you can't trust your own judgment, these are the people you should be going to right now to guide you.

    I'll never forget the days of my own life not so long ago where I felt hopeless...I did the only thing I knew to do, I trusted my family and I trusted a small handful of best friends.

    :hug:
     

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