First off, yes, this is an AE. It just has to be this way for me here. If you figure out who I am please do not reveal just PM me if you want to say something. I know I have posted here before about thoughts of death and not wanting to deal with life but each time I come back it feels stronger and stronger. Tonight, I came close. I sat there with a bottle of 90 ambien sitting in front of me debating and coming close to swallowing them all with a Xanax chaser of about 20mg. I dont know what to do...my whole life is just a big nothing. My wife left me, the girl I was dating and starting to care for left me. I have a job I do not like that does not pay great but has potential. I cannot pay the bills that I have and my student loans are coming up here again soon and I do not know how I am going to pay them. I do not feel like there is anything left for me to work towards. I hate being alone yet I have no one. I have nothing to turn to or nothing to look forward to. My therapy has been good for talking but beyond that not much else. Im on medication for depression and some mood stabilizers but Im not sure what good that they do. I get so overwhelmed buy everything. Like right now there is laundry to be done, ironing to be done and a few other things around the house and I cant even get the motivation to get the fuck out of bed. I get up, putz around the house go to work come home and sit. What the fuck is there else to do. Everything I enjoyed reminds me of my wife or reminds me of something I did enjoy but no longer do. I take no joy in anything anymore. I love my mom and dad and brother but what good is that. All I ever wanted to do was have my own family and the woman I know I wanted to have it with is gone now, off with another man. Life is spiraling out of control and its speeding up not slowing down. My anexity is through the roof. My mind floats to things like the coming winter and how miserable they are and the holidays and how they are going to suck without her family because there is next to no one in mine. Then my thoughts turn to rage, I want to hurt her (not physically) and make her feel like I do. She took the easy way out, how come I never get the easy way out. Why is it that ever fucking aspect of my life is the struggle. When do I catch my break? I thought I caught it with her, obviously I could not even keep that. Where do I go? Im not seeing many more options here than taking the cowards way out...each day is just more pain, more dissapointment and more anexity controling my life. Please God help me.