Guy being scared for me to be his GF? i've never heard of this...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by sportsjunkie, May 10, 2008.

  1. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    I really hate to post this in here, but i don't talk to my friends about my relationships so here I am.

    I've started seeing this guy a lil over a month ago. We hit it off immediately and we connect and both have feelings for one another.

    Last night I tell him that it feels wrong just meeting up and chilling and then having sex (we can only meet up at night due to his work shedule) and that we should slow down with the sex; he agrees and I knew he would because he's such a good person and he says he just wants to be with me and spend time and the sex doesn't make a difference to him.

    So we're driving and he says i'd make a good gf :confused: so i'm like: "well what's stopping me from being your gf?" and i've never brought up the issue of us being bf/gf before so this is new

    and he says he's scared because his last two relationships failed: recent ex broke up with him because she said he was worthless and other one failed because his gf gave him an ultimatum of her or his job and he chose his job and he loved her.

    i can understand him being hesitant about getting intense feelings for me later on..but we do everything couples do, we just don't have a label. is him saying he's scared a justifiable reason as to us not being bf/gf?

    feel free to ask questions to get a better idea..i dunno if i explained myself enough :o
     
  2. Mr. Bungle

    Mr. Bungle *lube'n up the shock paddles*

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    Go slow and just ask for a commitment of you two not sleeping with other people...it'll evolve from there.
     
  3. UrbanKnight

    UrbanKnight Good, Bad, I'm the guy with the gun

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    I agree with TT, don't have to call it BF/GF, just ask that you no longer have an "open" relationship. In reality it has only been a month....

    He will come around, or bugger off...
    If he does the latter, it wasn't meant to be...
    UK
     
  4. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    indeed

    i asked him if he was sleeping with other people and he said this:

    "babe it sucks i rarely have time to see you, let alone I don't have time to find a chick and sleep with her, so no I do not."

    but i did tell him i don't want him hooking up with other girls and he said he had no intentions on doing that. :hsd:
     
  5. squid

    squid braap

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    Some people reject people because they're scared they'll get rejected themselves. It's a protectionism instinct.

    lol I do that :rofl: :(
     
  6. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    interesting...i totally did not think of this. i am the same way but in a different aspect, so i totally understand that...thanks ;)

    yea, i'm giving it time. I really like him and i know he likes me but he's just a bit hesitant and he's totally worth the wait, so i'm not gonna bug him about it

    thanks lil lady :)
     
  7. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    some people just dont like labels. from what you've said, i don't detect any typical guy bullshit -- it seems legit.

    the advice in here is good -- forget the bf/gf label and focus on what the important part is to you (committed sexually) and ask for that. or actually, don't. just keep seeing him, he'll cave in.

    BTW, i do see one HUGE warning sign and thats that he put himself down.
     
  8. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    i have noticed this too (btw, i'm the same way so i dunno if that means anything)

    but he's been through A LOT in life and I can see why he puts himself down. I think it's only natural for the stuff he's been through :hsd:
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Just go with the flow. You've only been seeing each other a month.

    Pushing a label is kind of silly if you both enjoy spending time together.

    Though it could just be his cop-out, sounds like you guys were more fuck buddies to begin with.
     
  10. squid

    squid braap

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    Not having a huge ego is a huge warning sign? wtf?
     
  11. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    Give him more time.

    That's how my SO was when we first started seeing each other. I mean shit, we saw each other almost every day, he called me everyday, spent the night together all the time, he was touchy in public and identified me as "his girl," that we were dating, but every time the ACTUAL "label" thing came up he would freak out. Basically, with the same reasons... exes really fucked him up, etc. We've talked about it now that we've been dating a bit, and he realized in retrospect - he was just really scared.

    I'm super chill when it comes to relationships anyways, so I wasn't really concerned. I knew he wasn't seeing anyone else. And I was completely content with the way our relationship was, I knew it was a matter of time before he got over whatever issues it was that made him scared of a lable. Because in practice, we were a couple. Stating that explicitly wouldn't [and didn't] have changed anything/the dynamic of our relationship. It's only a word, but sometimes it seems guys are terrified of that word.


    It's only been a month. I think you should go with the flow, and wait until he is ready. If you're starting to feel like you're at the "shit or get off the pot" point emotionally, THEN maybe you need to have a talk more defining things or seeing where they are going.
     
  12. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    btw, i am not pushing for the bf/gf label.
    i just asked him why i am not his gf since he though i'd be a good one...just a question to his if that makes sense :o
     
  13. matsuya

    matsuya Active Member

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    I'm sure sex does make a big difference to him. Make sure to fuck his brains out every night so he'll want to make you his gf.
     
  14. Insert Tokens

    Insert Tokens Making Cancer My Bitch OT Supporter

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    . :hs:
     
  15. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    not having a huge ego != "i'm worthless". said in any context, even joking, he picked those words to describe himself and that says a lot about what is going on behind the scenes. i'm not saying to run the other way but just watch out.
     
  16. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    it's been a month, even exclusive is odd.
     
  17. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    When my husband and I met we had both come out of bad relationships. We found ourselves hugely attracted with each other but still told each other we would not use the boyfriend girlfriend labels on each other.
    That didn't mean we weren't exclusive with each other it just meant we thought it would make us cautious. After a while of "This XX my ?!?!?!?! umm boyfriend" it kind of just happened and we ended up with the labels.

    Labels or not, we still had the relationship. Just let him know you don't want a ring, just to know that you are both exclusive with each other and should that change to discuss it before it happens
     
  18. PlutoBHG

    PlutoBHG New Member

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    sounds like a bunch of crap to me...if youre already dating and were having sex...apart from a statement of such, that IS a relationship and basically bf/gf status and can fail in the exact same ways his last two did...
     
  19. squid

    squid braap

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    HIS EX said he was worthless, not him.

    And I still think this statement is a huge overreaction, but that's irrelevant.
     
  20. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    if the sexual chemistry is there, i highly doubt the sex is going to slow down, even though you logically have agreed to do so

    although the idea of sex being restricted could increase the sexual tension, leading to better sex

    imo, he isn't scared of anything. he likes getting sex without committment and doesn't want anything to change

    but since you've brought up the topic, he has to say SOMETHING

    so now he's "scared"

    i don't buy it.

    i think if he were honest, you would hear something like

    "I enjoy spending time with you and the sex is great, but I've had some bad experiences in the past and I don't want a relationship at this time."
     
  21. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I feel this way about a fwb. We get along so well but she's not "freaky" enough for me. She's a freak no doubt, just not "freakyshiat" freak. So that's one thing that makes me feel unattracted to her. Perhaps he isn't attracted to you in some way or he feels like you two are too good of friends. I also don't want anything serious right now since I'm moving by the end of the year -- to Rockville! :wavey:
     
  22. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    yea...and that's totally the notion i get.

    he said that last statement you said, but he also mentioned that he doesn't want me to be tied down to him because he works two jobs, doesn't have his own place and he's not that settled in life.

    I understand that and I told him that that stuff doesn't matter to me. He looked at me and just kissed me, smiled and said "thanks babe". and the conversation ended there.

    I'm not pushing the idea so much, i guess i was just trying to figure out why he didn't want the commitment part.

    i will always be with him even without the label as long as we are monogamous and content, i guess i'm a worry wart :o
     
  23. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    I'm being a big hypocrite as well, most of the time I initiate the sex :o
    we both like the sex, but we can both very well do without it.
     
  24. matsuya

    matsuya Active Member

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    Try not giving him any for a while and see how long he stays with you.
     
  25. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    ok

    but how long is a while? :rofl: like 2 weeks?
     

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