SRS Grilfriend goes too far to make me happy, expects me to reciprocate.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by patina, May 9, 2009.

  1. patina

    patina OT Supporter

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    My girlfriend of ~2yrs is the type of person that does everything for everyone else and nothing for herself. Lately she has been doing everything she can possibly think of to make me happy, and when I don't return that same level of effort, she feels like she isn't getting what she's putting in.

    I know she isn't getting back what she's putting in, because she puts in much more than I am willing or able to in our relationship. What can I do?

    I'm not going to go out of my way and be someone who I am not in order to make her feel like I am returning her level of affection/care.

    I love her, I am in love with her, she knows it. We have had some very high highs (partly why she has unreal expectations) and some very low lows, we have been through a lot together.

    I'm not a dick to her, we spend a lot of time together and I treat her very well, much better than most couples that I've been around.

    Basically she goes above and beyond to make me happy and has expectations that are unreal, she never says anything to me about it until she gets drunk and we argue, which is usually fueled by something minuscule.

    Should I expect her to 'come down' to my level, or do I have to go up to hers? I'm under the impression we should meet in the middle but I don't know if that can or will happen. Has anyone ever dealt with someone like this?
     
  2. geekierthanyou

    geekierthanyou Crews: DSLR, Brolie, Classic Car, Gun, Zombie, Pro

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    This is EXACTLY my situation, add 3 years and mix in marriage, and now we are getting divorced. About a year ago she did a 180 and stopped doing all she could and just stopped doing anything else. I was trying to reciprocate what I could, but it just wasn't enough. This isn't necessarily what will happen to you, it's just my experience.
     
  3. patina

    patina OT Supporter

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    That's definitely a big part of it.
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Massive co-dependency and low self-esteem.
    She knowingly, at least on an emotional level, constantly does things to force you to give back positive feedback and emotional attachment.

    At some point, this level of codependency becomes pathological in that normal people, with healthy levels of self-esteem cannot reciprocate and therefore she ultimately damages whatever relationship she's in.

    These kinds of people eventually either seek treatment for their condition, or sloooooowly grow out of it, or most commonly, end up with another co-dependent, and they can orbit each other forever.

    You might want to consider talking to a therapist about these issues.



    The way you describe your relationship, and your frustration, well.....I've seen this before, it's common.

    Typical outcome...you'll spin around for a few more years, ups and downs, ups and downs, but ultimately nothing will ever really change.

    You then break up, and think back, oh my god, I was in that spin cycle for 4 years.

    The other outcome is you get married (typically a baby on the way) and you stay together, but both of you have very different emotional attachment needs. You both become dissatisfied, she's too "needy", you're a cold bastard, etc.

    You end up in a disconnected and detached marriage.



    So therefore I recommend counselling to examine these issues. Or just break up.

    Otherwise, the clock is ticking...
     
  5. patina

    patina OT Supporter

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    Amazing post, thank-you.
     
  6. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    I am in a similar situation with my girlfriend, and I understand the frustration :hs:
     
  7. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Break up.

    Seriously.

    It's the biggest favor you can do the both of you.

    She needs more, you don't have that much/have other qualities. It doesn't add up.

    Don't be a pussy about it.

    There are human beings in existence who have what you both need. To believe that it's unreal to expect those needs to be filled is simply a product of fear.
     
  8. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
  9. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Motherfucking . Couldn't have said it better myself. My parents did that shit for 26 goddamned years.

    She started out by taking responsibility for your happiness, and now she is trying to force you to take responsibility for her happiness by guilt-tripping you. Fuck that noise.
     
  10. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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  11. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    To be fair though, there is a chance you could have a conversation with her that starts like this:

    "Honey, I know you think I'm not doing enough for you, and in a way you're right, but that's because I'm taking care of a lot of my own needs and I like it that way. Besides, you're doing so many things for me that I just can't appreciate it all -- it's like eating too much candy, and after a while it stops tasting good."

    "I really like it when you do X, Y, and Z, and it's nice when you surprise me by doing A or B every once in a while, but the rest of the stuff I like taking care of by myself. If you didn't try to do those other things for me all the time, you'd have time to take care of yourself more, and I could help by filling in the gaps without feeling like you want me to do everything for you."

    It probably won't work, but the worst-case scenario is you break up with her anyway, so it's not like you've got anything to lose.
     
  12. cooldragon

    cooldragon New Member

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    i like how the main advice in this place is to just breakup...
     
  13. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    You can't force someone else to start behaving they way you want.
     
  14. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    I don't always pipe up with the "ditch her" kind of advice ... but in my own experience, I was able to find happiness after leaving someone who didn't really appreciate me. We loved each other, but the balance was off - it wasn't mutually beneficial. He was happier than I was.

    I tried a similar approach to the ts's girl. Make my needs known. Start making more requests (Requests feel reasonable if you make the 1st move.). Those requests eventually became demands. I faced the facts when despite it all there was no effort made on his part, eventually but it was fucking HARD. It was a really comfortable relationship. There was love & friendship, but that wasn't enough. Maybe for some other woman, but not me.

    Now I have a fiance who provides the kind of companionship I really need. It didn't take forever to find it because I felt it from day 1. If I hadn't gone through that imbalanced relationship I wouldn't have known how to recognize the potential that existed for the marriage I'm happy to commit to.
     
  15. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    :werd: she needs to learn to set her boundaries and accept relationship boundaries as well

    Love languages are very important. She's probably not ready for them until she accepts the co-dependency issues but its a good starting point for you since you're a few steps ahead of her.
     
  16. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    you can, short-term. Until the other person is sick of it.
     
  17. patina

    patina OT Supporter

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    I really appreciate all the responses guys.
     
  18. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Can I ask what kinds of things she does that are going so above and beyond??? I'm very curious.
     
  19. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

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    In addition, and this is a "step 2" question, meaning that you must answer step one first, "Why is this above and beyond?" and "Why is she going ""above and beyond?"" and then 'Why does this concern you?"

    There may or may not be an answer.
     
  20. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

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    Co-dependency is a probable part of a correct diagnosis, but I do not think it captures the entirely of the situation.
     
  21. patina

    patina OT Supporter

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    Every time I initiate sex she acts like she wants it, when in reality she doesn't. But she does it to make me happy.

    I will think of a couple more things and post them in the morning.
     
  22. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    how do you know she doesn't want it ? And if you do know, do you still have sex with her ? That's really shitty, I don't know how she can think it's something good.
     
  23. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :ugh: I certainly hope you have better examples coming than this.
     
  24. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

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    Faking it - destroying relationships since 1986.
     
  25. patina

    patina OT Supporter

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    I mean it's prob 70/30, 70% of the time she wants it 30% of the time she does it bc I want it.

    I know this because when she has her monthly breakdown she tells me...
     

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