SRS Grandmother died... and I'm a mess

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by korverftw, Oct 7, 2008.

  1. korverftw

    korverftw New Member

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    I got a call from my cousin on Sunday evening telling me to book it to the hospital because my Grandma had just arrived in the E.R. I got there and learned she had just died of a massive heart attack. She was 81, no previous heart conditions that we knew of, thin and seemingly healthy other than asthma. We were very close, she took care of me daily as a kid and I always helped her and took her shopping when she needed it. We shared a lot in common.

    The reason I'm so upset is because with school and work I haven't been a great grandson lately. She passed away on Sunday and the last time I had seen her before that was 9 days prior -- we watched the presidential debates at my house and I took her home. Thank God I told her I loved her when I did. I'd give everything I own to have 10 more minutes with her and tell her thank you for taking such great care of me as a child and apologize for not being there as often as I should have lately, but I never got a chance to and I have a feeling she may have died thinking that I didn't care about her.

    I feel like I'm going nuts. I even called her still-active cell phone and left her a voicemail apologizing and telling her I love her and miss her.

    I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Any suggestions?
     
  2. damM3

    damM3 Active Member

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    man, you have to let it go. everyone passes on i'm sure she knew you loved her very much. she sounds like a great women and i doubt she had any thought that you were being a bad grandson. It's just the shock that shes gone, give it awhile and just relax and heal.


    that's my .02 , peace
     
  3. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    she knew you were busy with school and work, and she would have wanted to take care of those things as well. i have no doubt that she knew how much you loved her and i dont think she would have felt you were a bad grandson at all

    i know its hard, but you cant beat yourself up about any of that. you did the best you could and she knew that and she appreciated everything you gave

    talk to your family about the fun memories. let yourself laugh and cry with them and keep the great memory of your grandma alive
     
  4. korverftw

    korverftw New Member

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    Thanks for the nice posts, guys. It's just such a wake up call... My grandpa (her husband) is barely alive with alzheimers in a nursing home. Doesn't talk or recognize us. My other 2 grandparents always lived 1000 miles away and are both long dead. So I've never had anyone close to me die and it's really the worst feeling I've ever experienced. I'll tell you one thing, when I have kids, they're going to be visiting grandma and grandpa once a week, and calling 3 times a week until they both pass on.
     
  5. korverftw

    korverftw New Member

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    Any other advice? I'm having a rough morning. Nostalgia is kicking in and it's awful.
     
  6. amourdoux

    amourdoux New Member

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    I know what it's like to lose someone close...I lost my mom when I was 14. I only have one grandparent, my grandma that I love dearly. What are your religious beliefs?
     
  7. It sounds to me like you were a very good grandson. You took her shopping, had her over to watch some TV with you and overall looked after her. I KNOW she was probably thrilled to be with you that night when you two watched the debates. Grandparents love to be with their grandchildren no matter what they are doing. It sounds like you were very caring of her and I'm sure she knows how much you love her.

    Don't let it get you down. Death is apart of life. Although grim, everyone must pass some day, sooner or later.

    I hope that one day I can be as good of a grandson as you were to your grandmother. I have not seen my grandparents in years as they live in Europe, but still...I should fly them out here or me fly to them one of these days.

    Hope you can feel better soon. :)
     
  8. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    there is no trick to feeling better after you loose someone you loved. it hasnt been that long and you will probably feel pain for a while. eventually, you start to feel better, start to smile more instead of cry when you think about her. the only thing that heals the pain is time, and even then, you probably will never be healed completely. she meant a lot to you, its going to be hard no matter what

    my mom passed away 9 years ago. i spent a month home from school until i felt the need to get back to life and attempt to be normal. it took me probably another 4 years to really feel a lot better. but even still, 9 years later, i still think about her and miss her every day. i dont think you ever fully get over something like this, you just move forward and learn to live with the situation.
     
  9. korverftw

    korverftw New Member

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    Thanks for the great post! It made me feel a lot better. I think another part of the problem is she put in her will that she didn't want a funeral, or an obituary, or anything like that. So we had her cremated and we are having her remains buried near a little creek in a peaceful little cemetery near here. Without a funeral, it's hard to get a chance to say goodbye.

    I have to go over to her apartment and help move stuff out of it this weekend. That could possibly be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. WOW.
     
  10. korverftw

    korverftw New Member

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    I'm a non practicing Catholic. I try to believe in an afterlife because it's very comforting, but when everyone I know is an atheist or agnostic, it's really hard to take it as seriously as I want to.
     
  11. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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  12. korverftw

    korverftw New Member

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    Do you think starting to attend church may help ease the loss?
     
  13. amourdoux

    amourdoux New Member

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    For me, it helps to believe that people I love that have passed on are in heaven. However, if that isn't your cup of coffee, do you like to write at all? It can help to write a poem, song, story, letter, or you can journal. If you have pictures you can make a scrapbook.

    In the end though, you'll move on with life, but you'll always miss your grandma. The best thing you can do is keep her memory alive by doing something that she loved. Make her proud with your actions.
     
  14. korverftw

    korverftw New Member

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    I like the heaven idea and I'm considering going to church again. It helps a lot.

    I did write a letter to her which I asked to read at her funeral. Hopefully I can get through it without breaking down.

    Here's a strange story: I play the guitar and was listening to and playing the song "Let it Be" by The Beatles when my cousin called me to tell me to go to the hospital on Sunday. Later that night, I looked at the meaning of the song and it was written by Paul McCartney about his deceased mother (Mary) who came to him in a dream. My grandmother is also named Mary. What a crazy coincidence. If only my gram would come to me in a dream and let me know she's safe, then I'd be totally fine!
     
  15. Well maybe you could play that song for her. Let it ring all the way up to heaven. Or maybe she is not in heaven...she could be right next to you as you strum away. Music always helps me get through harder times so hopefully you can find a way to help you get through this period in your life.

    Well that's good. Glad to hear that. The truth usually does feel good.
     
  16. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Imagine if you were the one who died instead of your grandmother, would you be happy to see everyone in misery because of you passing away, of people who would be in tears, grieve and being unhappy for many many years if not the rest of their lives because of the loss of your life? Of course not, you would want them to be happy and live their lives to the fullest and smile.

    Your grandmother would want the same for you, so instead of dying for your grandmother,start living for her.

    And don't worry , she knows about the great love you have for her in her heart. And simular you will always remember her in all your love in your heart.

    But ehm really i wouldn't force your kids to see their grandmother that much, they might not share the same sentiments, and if they are forced to do such a thing will only spawn resentment, make it a free choice of will for them.
     
  17. amourdoux

    amourdoux New Member

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    That's good you like the church and heaven thing. Also...God heals all. Praying won't hurt.

    "Let it be" is a great song. Maybe it'll always remind you of your grandma now. I can actually play a little of it on piano.

    If you didn't have any dreams of her yet, you probably will soon. I still have dreams of my mom even almost 10 years later now after she passed. Hopefully your grandma will come to you in a dream, too.
     
  18. HoneyBunny

    HoneyBunny New Member

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    You are a better grandson than you think. Don't beat yourself up, your grandma loved you and there's no way she died with anything but appreciation for you. It will take time, but things will get better and you will stop blaming yourself.
     
  19. korverftw

    korverftw New Member

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    Thanks guys. I'm feeling a little better -- it's still so hard. She didn't want a funeral so we're having a family party tonight and I have to read a letter I wrote to her. Hopefully I can get through it without crying.

    I guess the main feeling I have at this point is I don't want to do anything fun or move on and be happy because I feel like I'd be betraying her, even though I know that's what she would want me to do.
     
  20. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Hey look its good to let it all out and say and feel everything you want to feel, just let it all go. Give yourself all the time you need before you pick up your life and move on. :hug:
     
  21. marvd00d

    marvd00d Gonzalez>Swine Flu

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    Just to let you know, you can cry if you need to, let it out if you need too.

    It seems you had a very special relationship with your grandmother too, you should be very proud of that.

    My father died of cancer when I was 19, and I also had the same feelings of guilt when i caught myself not thinking about him. Keep at it man, death is always tough to swallow.
     
  22. korverftw

    korverftw New Member

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    Feeling a little bit better. Not having a belief system really makes it harder... Death is so permanent. I went to church today but there's so much skepticism everywhere about god and the afterlife that I can't get myself to believe it.
     
  23. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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  24. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    :hug: My prayers go out to you, your grandma and your family :hug: I'm so sorry for your loss :wtc:
     

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