SRS Gotta get this out!

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by frankelefritzsux, Nov 10, 2005.

  1. frankelefritzsux

    frankelefritzsux OT is a mental disorder OT Supporter

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    the past few months have been pretty fucked up in my life. basically everything about my life has taken a complete 180 and at this point, i got a different job, i changed majors and am struggling in school now, im just lost, a bit depressed, and majorly confused.

    backstory: a few years ago i met this wonderful girl, Katherine, and fell in love and we've been together for 3.5 years, over time i grew restless and complacent, but i was still content. i broke up with her a couple years ago over a summer, and i acted out, had sex with a couple other girls (she never found out, thought she was the only girl i'd ever slept with), and we ended up getting back together and everything was peachy for the next 2 years.

    jump to a couple months ago: a friend of mine(Richard) starts bringing his GF(Jen) around to hang out at the house. my house is pretty much the gathering place for everything around here, always people around, stuff going on, etc. so me and this girl are talking and being a little flirty, but its pretty innocent at this point. well as the next week and half goes by, we start talking a lot and being really really flirtatious, her telling me how sexy i am and shit like that, and i was doing the same kinda stuff back, but i never thought anything would come of it.

    throughout this, katherine is getting really insecure that i've been talking to jen so much recently. i continually reassure her that nothing is going on and to just stop worrying so much and to just fucking trust me because im getting pissed about it. :hs:

    one night, just had a few friends over, including Richard and Jen, and a couple others. we started playing poker and drinking a lot, and richard passed out in the next room while we were all still drinking and playing poker. i go to my room for a phone call, and when i get back, theyre playing strip poker. so i join in of course, why the hell not? didnt last too long, as Jen didnt really wanna take her clothes off for a bunch of guys, but then something weird happened, she wanted one last game, with just me, for everything. i lose, i get completely naked, she loses, she gets completely naked. so we get our cards, turn em up, and voila, i win. sweet. i didnt really think she was gonna do it, but she took me in my room and stripped down. i was like "you dont have to do this ya know, its not a big deal" but she did anyway. im not complaining, shes fucking hot as hell, but it just felt kinda wrong.

    she got dressed and we went back out, we acted like nothing happened, like she wimped out and didnt do it. all this time richard is asleep on the couch, and doesnt know what happened at all. didnt tell anyone about this event


    cut to a party we had at my house the next friday night (katherine and i took tuesdays and fridays off from eachother every week, so she wasnt around for it) and richard wasnt there either. i had decided to get really drunk, so i bought stuff for car bombs. most people went to the track for a while, since it was kinda a car meet at my house. Jen came over early, as well as a friend and this girl he was kinda seeing. so the 4 of us start drinking heavily. over the night, jen and i each had 7 car bombs, as well as a lot of beer and other drinks. theres a ton of people at my house, party in full swing, kegs, all of it is going really well.

    i get kinda tired and go in my room to chill out and listen to music, and people are coming in and out, and jen comes in and sits down on my bed. we're just talking, chillin, music goin, people kinda migrating in and out. eventually i closed the door with just me and her in my room and i lie down on my bed. i say "i know its wrong, but im really attracted to you" she replies with "yeah, im attracted to you too... i wish your door locked" (stupid non-locking door :mad: ) so we're just sitting there pretty much, and her friend is going to leave, so she has to go too, well she gets up and gives me a big hug, and thats when in happens: we kiss. once really quickly for fear of her friend coming in, then again, with tounge and all.

    in my retardedly drunken state, i felt great, just kissed a really hot girl, went to sleep happy as a clam.

    wake up the next morning. "fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i mega-fucked up last night" i realized what happened and instantly felt like complete and utter shit. i cheated on my GF of over 3 years. i spent the next 2 days not eating, being really depressed and trying to figure out what the hell im gonna do.

    over those couple days i did a lot of soul searching, and i realized taht there was definately a big problem in the relationship. everything was getting boring, and i was only still there because it was easy. i lost the passion for her i once had and i guess i kinda fell out of love with her. not that i dont still have very strong feelings for her, but things just werent the same and my heart had already started moving on. i have ALWAYS hated people who cheat in relationships, i think its one of the worst things you can do to someone you care about, and i realized that i wouldnt have done it if everything in my relationship was as it should have been. i knew i had to end the relationship, even if she wasnt going to because i cheated on her.

    come monday, i tell katherine what happened. there was no way i was gonna be able to live with myself if i didnt tell her. so i told her, and broke up with her. she was basically destroyed. she had pretty much decided that i was the one she was going to be with for the rest of her life, and tahts part of the thing that scared me. she was incredibly upset, and after trying to talk and explain myself for an hour or so, i told her she needed to leave and that we needed time to process whats going on.

    didnt talk to her for a while after that, but i know she was pretty much crushed.

    also, jen broke up with richard, but didnt tell him that we kissed (he found out later, more drama, but not really that important to the story)

    so now jen and i are hanging out all the time, drinking, and getting really really close. i stayed the night at her place several times during those couple weeks and we really hit it off, LOTS of chemistry between us for sure. i realize it may seem like a reboung thing, but i know its not. ive thought about it extensively, and jen is definately someone i think i could have a relationship with, and aparently, she thinks so too, because when we're together, its just happiness all the time.

    by this time, im completely over my relationship with katherine. i still care about her and how shes doing, but it doesnt hurt me anymore, and im ready to move on, hence the thing with Jen

    ok ok, so just a few weeks ago, jen starts acting really weird, and eventually tells me that she needs time to process everything, and that she just wants to be friends for a while, she still really likes me, but she's gotta have time to figure stuff out. so im cool with that, i tell her to just take her time and i'll be there if she still wants something with me when she's ready. she says "dont worry, you'll definately be the one i want" or something to that effect.

    a couple weeks go by and she starts kissing me again, cuddling, being affectionate. im like "Sweet, this rules" stay over at her place for like 4 nights in a row, everything is peachy, then boom, she starts acting weird again, not wanting to hang out. so she tells me, the night before i leave for 4 days, that she needs to take things slowly, she feels like we dont know eachother very well and things are getting too serious too quickly. im like "alright, i really like you and yeah it feels like things might be getting more serious, but im just having a good time being with you and i dont want that to change" she reassures me that everything is fine and that she basically wants to keep it at the same level its at now, hanging out, making out, stuff like that, just having a good time. im like alright, whatever, im just chillin anyway (even though im raelly actually pretty worried about it, but im trying not to let her in on that)

    get this: she takes me to the airport the next day, gives me a big hug and kiss goodbye, and even calls me later that day to make sure im alright and the flight was fine. i had fun on my trip, come back, and she's acting weird again.

    this time its because her ex, richard has been being really really mean to her lately. they talked sometimes, trying to stay friends, but he aparently FLIPPED out at her the other night. like seriously. yelling at her, telling her everything was her fault, that he wasnt happy in the relationship at all for the past 2 years, didnt enjoy sex at all, all kinds of really harsh shit. keep in mind that richard is a complete dickhead to girls. he treated jen like complete shit, never called her, acted like they werent even together when we all hung out. he cheated on her (had sex with another chick) a while ago and tried to hide it from her, but she found out and he made her promise not to tell anyone (why she stayed with him after that i dont know). but yeah, he's basically an all around asshole and they fought all the time.

    so now jen has been pretty upset and in a bad mood for the past few days, and im pretty much getting left out to dry. whenever i ask her if she wants to hang out, shes got other plans, etc. i realize that she's upset, and that its probably not personal, but i cant help feeling like she doesnt want to be around me sometimes. its frustrating too, i took her out to dinner last night, thinking i could take her mind off of things and just have a good time, and iwas gonna take her out drinking afterwords, but then shes like "im going out with shelley tonight after dinner" so i basically just drop her off and that was that. :hs:

    more background drama: pretty much all my friends around her started hanging out with Katherine (my ex) ALL the time. like, theyd ditch me to go hang out with her, and katherine still doesnt want to even see me at all, even though we're talking again. so i constantly get left home alone, with nothing to do and no one to do it with, which upsets me a lot. through all this, my roommate decides he likes katherine and they start talking and what not, he likes her, she likes him, blah blah. he tells me about it and i gave him my blessing, if thats what makes them happy, im not gonna try to stop it, she doesnt have to answer to me any more, and im over it, so go right ahead. well that doesnt work out, because my roommate wants a steady girlfriend and katherine doesnt want any kind of committed relationship right now.

    so here i am today: my friends would rather hang out with katherine than me, jen is still recovering from the big episode a few nights ago, richard pretty much hates me (even though he doesnt act like it. he just acts like things are completely normal between us, even though i KNOW he fuckin hates me now) im broke as hell (i have like $140 to last me 3 weeks) because i get no goddamned hours at work, and im lonely and bored all the time.

    things with my friends are pretty much evening out, they dont exclude me any more, but i still cant go anywhere that katherine goes with them im still not gonna hang out with richard though, due to the whole passive aggressive, him hating me thing.

    im pretty much cool with everything that has transpired, but i just dont know what to do about jen. i really like this girl, and she's going through some tough shit getting over richard right now.

    my plan is to just try to chill out and go with the flow, wait for her to come around, but its kinda hard for me, because i feel like ive already invested enough emotion and time that i want it to work out with her for sure, and if it doesnt, then that will suck :wtc:

    i think jen just needs time to get over what happened and get in a better mood again, and things should get better again, but im just not sure. she's definately being confusing :hs:

    im sure i'll update this as more happens, but feel free to give advice for now
     
  2. frankelefritzsux

    frankelefritzsux OT is a mental disorder OT Supporter

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    another thing about me: i worry about pretty insignificant shit a lot of the time. i look too much into situations that i should just take at face value. i react to things before i know the whole situation or all the details and i let it get me down, hence the worrying about jen and why she's been distant lately. when i step back and look at the big picture, i can definately understand why she's being weird, because of the whole richard thing, but then i get caught up in thinking i did something wrong, when she really probably just needs time alone to work stuff out :dunno:
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    There is a definite problem here which is defined as following.

    ' You are putting yourself on the throne of your life ,and are trying to squeeze out every inch of possible fun out of it'

    While you SHOULD HAVE been thinking like this.

    ' If i was in the other persons shoes how would i feel?'

    ALWAYS Remember there's a REAL person with REAL feelings on the other end of the line. Your not dealing with the things properly for example.

    Having 1 girlfriend, then screwing around her back with other woman and severly hurting her feelings will definitly create 'bad karma' going your way. You are already experiencing the stress that you have caused because of your hurtfull actions. Whats worse is you saying ' i care for her ' must not only be words but effectivly expressed in actions during the entire relationship,they say you can do everything with your mouth, but you should not be like that.

    You know you need a radical change into your actions, the booze makes you make pretty stupid decisions one after another. You lack L O Y A L T Y , towards the people you supposedly love.

    You need to enforce that feeling that you hate cheating, and effectivly apply it to your girlfriend , so instead of thinking 'why not,lets have fun' think ' how would my girlfriend think about it? , what would my mom think about it? , what would the other person feel if i did this or that' and in every case that the person would effectivly be hurt by your choices or actions you need to stop immediatly what you are doing, set up boundries that will prevent that you are hurting other people.

    So THINK before you ACT.
     
  4. frankelefritzsux

    frankelefritzsux OT is a mental disorder OT Supporter

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    this is very true. i realized that i havent been in love with katherine for a long time now, i was just there because it was easy and convenient, which isnt how a relationship is supposed to be.

    and to both responses: i realize that what i did was very bad, and very wrong. i definately regret how things happened, and ive done my best to apologize and beg for forgiveness for what happened from everyone; richard, katherine, even my friends. ive been hurting a lot from all of this, feeling very lonely and missing katherine a lot. but the way i see it is: its over. its my fault, and i accept that. yes it hurts, and yes its going to take a long time before i'll be ready for anything serious again, but i still want to try to enjoy life as much as possible and not just let myself get depressed and then end up dwelling on it longer than i need to. the thing with jen isnt serious, but i get wrapped up in little stuff and let it bother me too much, which is why its a major part of my original post. i dont want anything serious, but at the same time, i wouldnt mind having a casual, yet exclusive relationship right now.

    i definately am still healing from all this, i dont deny that at all.

    the sad thing about is that i wasnt even that drunk when it happened :hs:
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Well you need to be aware of that more people seem to have a problem with letting the elephants walk thru the room without a problem, while going beserk if its a flie that passes by. Try not to be like that. Look more serious at the big things that go on in your life by changing and shifting your perspective into another position or another persons shoes, that way you will have a second insight into those things that you are doing.

    Everything in life demands responsiblity , you should always ask yourself what would other people say/think if i did this or that, would it be positive or negative, im not saying that you should let your life be led by what other people think, but i do want you to take it at least in consideration.
     
  6. frankelefritzsux

    frankelefritzsux OT is a mental disorder OT Supporter

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    thats very good advice man... thank you
     
  7. $shot

    $shot OT Supporter

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    atleast you admit that. i can't even think what to say but karma.. what karma this all is (would get worse if jen lost interest in you). i'd start TRYING to hang out with your friends again, maybe even try to further mend things with katherine. if you wait till shit goes awry with jen, then try to start hanging out with your friends again, they will probably think you're only coming back to them because things fucked up with jen (which is a bad thing if you value your relationship with them). hope that made sense. good luck

    EDIT: also, straighten your education situation shit out. that should be your first priority. it may become unwanted stress or a problem in the future if you can't stay on track with that
     
  8. frankelefritzsux

    frankelefritzsux OT is a mental disorder OT Supporter

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    yeah, the education stuff is partly because i just switched majors and have had a difficult time keeping up with now having 15 hours instead of 12 like ive been taking so far. not an excuse, but part of the reason.

    and i have been hanging out with my friends more, they make it hard when they hang out with katherine though. but every tuesday we all get loaded and play NHL faceoff 97 on the ps1, so its all good there. things on that front have settled, although its VERY aparent that my one friend josh just wants to get in katherines pants :dunno:

    as for katherine, we've been talking fairly regularly online, and occasionally on the phone, and things are fine when we do, we just talk like friends. but as soon as anything gets brought up about us hanging out possibly, even around other poeple, she is VERY opposed to it. says she's still VERY angry and wouldnt be able to handle seeing me yet. so im kinda waiting for her to continue moving on so i can hopefully have a friendship with her.

    its not that im not trying, its that she's totaly not ready yet
     

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