Ok. I think I am going insane. That's the best I can put it. I come from a really fucked up background, and there is a history of mental illness in my family (although nothing too severe). And I feel like I am slipping off the edge of reality. Here's the thing though. I'm really successful. I get everything I want in life. Unfortunately, I'm also being eaten alive by my demons. I have these horrible fears. Fears of death and dying, mostly. I constantly have visions of burning alive in hell (this was brainwashed into me my entire life). I also have paranoias of happiness. That's right, I'm afraid to be happy, because I see it as contentment, which is the death of desire. I am driven so much to be successful that I will ensure that I don't allow myself to be happy (i.e. I don't get involved with women, period, and I feel guilty if I'm enjoying something too much). Yet I am not depressed. I don't have suicidal thoughts. I have always been on the "edge," but I recently gave up everything I had to move across the country for a huge jump in my career, and all this time alone has gotten to me. The lowest point was when I was watching The Aviator, and realized, wow, that's me. It's like walking backwards down a tunnel, away from the light. I can see the way out, but it's becoming less and less real to me as the tunnel slowly envelopes my psyche. There have been times where I just question my existence. I continue on with my life, but it isn't real to me. Then I do things. Sometimes dangerous things; because reality just ceases to exist to me, and my perception is warped. People I've talked to have basically told me it's like I'm on acid without being on acid. But that doesn't make it a good thing in the least. So what now.