SRS Going crazy...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Savage, Feb 12, 2005.

  1. Savage

    Savage New Member

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    Ok. I think I am going insane. That's the best I can put it. I come from a really fucked up background, and there is a history of mental illness in my family (although nothing too severe). And I feel like I am slipping off the edge of reality.

    Here's the thing though. I'm really successful. I get everything I want in life. Unfortunately, I'm also being eaten alive by my demons. I have these horrible fears. Fears of death and dying, mostly. I constantly have visions of burning alive in hell (this was brainwashed into me my entire life).

    I also have paranoias of happiness. That's right, I'm afraid to be happy, because I see it as contentment, which is the death of desire. I am driven so much to be successful that I will ensure that I don't allow myself to be happy (i.e. I don't get involved with women, period, and I feel guilty if I'm enjoying something too much).

    Yet I am not depressed. I don't have suicidal thoughts.

    I have always been on the "edge," but I recently gave up everything I had to move across the country for a huge jump in my career, and all this time alone has gotten to me. The lowest point was when I was watching The Aviator, and realized, wow, that's me. It's like walking backwards down a tunnel, away from the light. I can see the way out, but it's becoming less and less real to me as the tunnel slowly envelopes my psyche.

    There have been times where I just question my existence. I continue on with my life, but it isn't real to me. Then I do things. Sometimes dangerous things; because reality just ceases to exist to me, and my perception is warped. People I've talked to have basically told me it's like I'm on acid without being on acid. But that doesn't make it a good thing in the least.

    So what now.
     
  2. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

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    I have a great fear of death still. Since an important person in my life died, i have come to a greater acceptance of a natural process of life. Some people just meet their ends in more untimely, gross ways than others.

    You can still have a passion for something or someone without having it be the death of your desire, although I am not sure what you meant by this. I think the worst thing you an do is continue the cycle of self-depreciation. If you moved across the country and faced the risks involved with advancing in your career, you have what it takes to confront some things and issues in your past.

    It won't be easy by any means, but don't voluntarily go insane. You might just need a combination fo therapy (which doesn't necessarily hvae to come from a professional, although I recommend talking to someone about receiving some form of counseling, medication, and behavior therapy) if you have not tried this

    I recommend that you read William Blake's "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell." At the end, the narator is shown a version of his hell and jugement by an Angel, but the narrator soon realizes it is all fake and he puts the ANgel into Hell. The Angel comes ot believe the fabrication is real, and he is swallowed up by his own imagination. Don't let yourself become swallowed up by an invisible hell that you create for yourself. What you can create you can also destroy and break through.

    you DO have control :)

    if you want to talk more, I'm usually online. I've had my fair share of breakdowns over the past few years.

    aim: BlueBunnyTec

    :)
     
  3. The Mighty Megatron

    The Mighty Megatron Secondborn of the best drummer known to man

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    I used to have a fear of death and a paranoia of happiness, also. After my father died, followed by more than enough people close to me in the following 4 years, I lost my grip on reality. It was like watching my life unfold from the sidelines, as if it wasn't real, like sitting in a movie theater seeing myself on the screen.

    Eventually, I became a recluse, and ultimately lost what little sanity i had left. I couldn't keep my head clear, my thoughts would cut eachother off, and i couldn't even get half a sentence written in my head without another thought breaking in. It took a lot of energy to do it, but when i realized what i had let myself become, i pulled out of it. Here is what I did to bring myself back:
    -Meditate constantly, keep your thoughts as focused and clear as you can. It's hard at first, but it becomes easier.
    -Socialize. Go out, have fun, and afterwards, meditate on the thought that it's not right that you feel guilty for feeling good. Don't be afraid to get well.
    -Lose the fear of death. Not in the common way that people do. Don't just accept it as something that inevitably happens and retain that small fear of it without admitting it's there. Completely lose all worry of death coming to take you or others. It's okay to grieve, and it's okay to feel bad when others die, but don't let a fear of death ruin the small amount of time you were granted on this plane of existence. Stare death in the eyes and let it know that no matter when it comes, what it does to who, or anything else you feel like saying, it can't scare you, and it can only hurt you for a while, and no matter what, it can't stop you.
    -Admit to yourself that you don't want to feel this way. Don't just go 'I hate how i feel'. Look at youself in the mirror, and say it out loud how much you hate feeling like this, all of the things you hate about it, and why it feels wrong to you. Scream if that's what it takes, but let yourself know what you want, if that makes sense.

    Hope i helped, i know it's not much. Good luck, mang. Peace.

    EDIT: AIM: Kupp The Autobot YIM: [email protected]

    MSN: [email protected]
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I think you suffer from the church syndrom, which basically comes down that your parents have brainwashed you that you are going to hell.

    God wants you to be a loving happy person who is enjoying his life while helping/loving other people.

    Get a grip on earth and reality. This is no illusion you are here. Focus on the facts instead of the myths in life. Is it really going to happen? No.
     
  5. Car

    Car New Member

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    Having obsessive thoughts (thoughts that bother you and intrude on your "normal" thoughts) can be a sign of anxiety. Not your run-of-the-mill anxiety, but an anxiety disorder. It can be fixed with meds if it gets out of hand. They use SSRIs (Celexa, Lexapro, Paxil, etc.) to treat it. These are the same meds they use for depression.
     

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