this isn't going to work. it's like this is my wake up call. this has just stressed me out all night, and i know i won't be my usual self when i see her next. the happy, funny/arrogant glass from Tuesday and Wednesday would be away to make way for the pensive brooding one. there's no two ways about it.. there are the reasons i've already established. the boyfriend left very big shoes to fill, and as often as i delude myself into thinking i'm God's gift to her (being her closest friend at the moment it seems), i know that filling those shoes will be a monumental task. i've never had a serious girlfriend, while she's seen every trick in the book. there's her new job. it's only Friday, 3 days since she started work, and i already feel like she's worlds away from me. she'll be meeting different people everyday, none of whom have the weaknesses of a certain jackass i had the pleasure of dealing with last year (who did win her over). two people i met recently are prime examples of the genuinely stronger players i haven't pit myself against yet; these are guys that don't need duplicity on their side to win. they're hard to go against because you can respect them. her family was just starting to grow on me too. on Wednesday i felt like i could really make her little sister laugh, that i wasn't as out of place in that house as i initially thought i was. i caught a glimpse of her temper while she walked that huge dog, and for a moment i could see our stengths and weaknesses supplementing each other. i haven't even gone into how this affects my friendship with my other girls. i want to be fair to my friends, but i'm willing to go further for this one particular girl. i can't see her going that extra mile for me. i'm definitely pacified if she doesn't break commitments with me to hang with other people.. but that's far from happy. i want her to enjoy my company, not to be tied to it by her word or by guilt.. similarly i don't want my friends thinking i'm spending time with them out of guilt or obligation. there's the fact that she isn't perfect. she still has some quirks in her character that can be smoothed out. it's hard enough to let go of her right now with these weaknesses still there; the dishonesty, absent-mindedness, self-centeredness, etc. how am i gonna let go of her tomorrow when her persona becomes impeccable? there's the fact that i'm not perfect. i spent tonight out with 3 other friends, and i'm checking my phone for messages the whole time. one friend insisted on battering me with questions about her. i dodged them well enough, but eventually, out of fear or insolence, i volunteered information about how much time i've spent with her lately (a lot). that isn't the worrying thing though. what irks me is that i'm hardly the Alpha Male; in fact i'm the complete opposite. sometimes i feel i'm the Omega Male, the mediocre specimen that's content with being mediocre. other times, i'm just genuinely happy that i am myself rather than an argumentative peacock. i don't bed women easily. even when i do, the bar is very high in all directions thanks to this girl. i know.. i should just go out and fuck something already. i've tried that. i've met other girls but they're all very far from holding a candle to her. the odds of finding another girl who has this combination of intelligence, physical beauty, drive, personality, sense of humor, and moral fibre (pending) that's also interested in me just makes my heart sink. plenty of fish in the sea, but there aren't many worth writing home about. she can get by. she sees me as a friend, maybe even a close friend. but if i put any distance between us, even as reciprocation for her misbehaving, then i know i might never speak to her again. she holds the cards in this friendship. the sad thing is there is no physical barrier preventing me from giving this a shot. i'm not interstate like a certain jackass who was after her last year. she's not ignoring me. i'm not butt ugly, and i'm confident that she has looked at me in a romantic light in the past. it's like the universe is holding back so i can fuck this one up myself, so it can spit in my face with impunity. CLIFFS: turning this girl i like into "just a friend" or forgetting about her is not gonna be as painless as i thought. in fact it's going to be very, very painful.