Girls dropping friends just because they got a boyfriend?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by MossMan813, Dec 31, 2006.

  1. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

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    OK, basically I need the Vag's opinion in this. I just got into a pretty heated debate with one of my best girl friends about this and I would love to see how people view this situation. One of my other best girl friends, we'll call her Judy, and I were very close and had the same large group of friends. We were in no way ever sexual and did not want to have a relationship or anything like that, we were just very close friends. About 6 months ago, Judy got a boyfriend and basically dropped ALL of her friends. Now some things you should know about Judy - she is 23, she's had many relationships, but only a few "serious" ones in her younger days but none recently, was looking for "love" and didn't want to just settle for anyone, is very attractive and could have a one-night stand with any guy she wanted, used to be very promiscuous, and finally found a guy that she thought she really connected with. Now all that is just fine, but this girl would go out with us every time we went out, and her and I were very close. She gets with this guy and drops everyone, not only me, and just concentrates on this dude. I was obviously very upset with it, and most other people were too, but some of the girls were understanding about it and said that they were just glad she was happy. Not that I wasn't, of course I want all my friends to be happy, but burning bridges of great relationships with true friends is completely unacceptable to me.

    Fast forward to now, they are now engaged. I have not seen/heard/spoken to her in the ~6 months since they've been together except for a few times - she had to have an emergency appendectomy (sp?) and we all visited her in the hospital and brought her gifts at home (this was at the beginning of summer, maybe 4 months ago?). After we went out of our way to make sure she was feeling OK and acted like true friends would and she still did not care enough to save friendships with anyone I was absolutely done with her. A few weeks ago she texted me randomly with things asking if I still cared about her (obviously she knew I was mad even though I never said anything because she knows how much I value my friends) and I gave her basically answers to tell her that I was very upset but did not want to start a fight because I am basically over any feelings of anger since its been so long now and it is not worth my time. This past weekend I found out they got engaged and sent her a text saying congratulations and I was happy for her, because I still do want her to be happy, and all I get back is "thanks". I don't know why but this caused all the anger to come back at her, like she is just completely unappreciative of anything anyone does for her, and I am just shocked by how willing she is to be selfish and throw away relationships for no reason.

    I know I probably sound like a drama queen with this post, but it REALLY takes a lot for me to get fired up, but this really did it. I am never mad at anyone, and am usually the one to try to solve problems between people because I can understand people's point of views and how other people can misunderstand a situation. But to me, I value my friendships more than anything and even when I was in a 4 year relationship, I made sure that it never hurt my relationships with other people I really care about. Speaking today with one of my other BEST girl friends, she basically said that women are more willing to put all of their efforts into their relationships, and since she is serious enough to get engaged to this guy that she isn't doing anything wrong. I think that is complete BULLSHIT and would never throw away relationships with the people I care about just because I found happiness with a woman. What do you all think?

    Cliffs: I am a guy, one of my best girl friends completely turned her back on all of her friends, including me, just because she now has a boyfriend and has recently become engaged to him, and I am asking for opinions on whether or not my anger at her dropping all of her friends is reasonable.
     
  2. Carpet Liquor

    Carpet Liquor New Member

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    You other friend has it right, once a woman is completly engulfed in a relationship, she will put most of her effort into that relationship. There is some debate as to why, but many feel it's a nuturing, and getting prepared to procreate, a hormonal, or inate primal instinct.

    There is also the thought that it's a self prtective instinct, that the less outside involvment there is, the less chance of cheating, or thoughts of cheating there will be, and no I'm not talking about the guy enforcing this, I mean a more personal desicion, be it concious or just by instnct, that will make sure that there is the least chance of developing any extra marital relationships.

    There is also the idea that there just may not be enough time to continue relationships whith everyone, this seems to be more true as the years go on, I don't have much time for mysel;f let alone anyone else, this can be from many factors, employment, and family responsibilities are a couple examples, that after that, there might only be enough time in the day to concentrate on the one serious commitment they have instead of trying to uphold all of them in addition to this one serious relationship.

    I'm not saying that I completly agree with it, but it's a part of life, as your friends start finding people that they will marry or have a life with, they will spend less time with thier other friends, due to new comittments.

    Prioties also change over time, and even people who don't get into serious relationships move on to new things that take up most or all of thier time, effectivly "leaving" thier previous frineds behind.

    It's a part of life.
     
  3. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

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    I do understand that things are going to change, and that is completely acceptable. As we mature and new opportunities come, of course you have to change with them and I'm not expecting her to come out and party as much as she did. What I'm saying is that she completely just dropped us, to the point where I literally went from being completely close to a person to not speaking to them at all for no reason. Just because she's with someone, that doesn't mean that she can't make time for her friends. I do see what you are saying, but I guess to me that isn't enough of an excuse for her to lean on. I am EXTREMELY busy right now in my life, I am also 23, in my senior year of college, working, and student teaching all at the same time. I still make sure I have time to spend time with the people I care about. I think I am basically just more hurt than anything else that she chose so easily just to drop her friends and doesn't seem to care about us or me as much as I care about her.
     
  4. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    unfortunately it happens.. it sucks, but it's life :)
     
  5. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Guys do the same thing sometimes.
     
  6. armond

    armond New Member

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    This happens a lot. For the most part, I have been a victim of doing this and having it done to me. Pretty crazy actually.

    For some people this is just the way it is. I know it may boil your blood a bit, and really get you riled up. But she made a decision, although it was probably more based upon emotions, and you can't do anything about it except express your concerns to her. People have a tendency to put everything they have in to something they think is worthwhile, maybe she thinks that this is a worthwhile relationship and she is trying to do as much as possible(include putting all her time into it) she can to make it the best.

    And this just isn't her b/f anymore, it is he fiance, which just makes it that much more a priority for her.

    I don't totally agree with the whole cheating if she goes out thing. Or that basically if she limits her activities she will be less inclined to cheating. I kinda lean towards the opposite, isolation and separation seems to contribute to why people cheat probably just as much.
     
  7. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

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    I agree, I don't think cheating is on either of their minds at all, as they are very happy with each other and have been looking for love for a long time. I am very happy they found each other and I do want them to be happy together - but not at the expense of great friendships being destroyed for no reason. I do understand what all of you are saying, and I thank you for the replies, but to me what she is doing is just ridiculous. Oh well, I can't do much about it, I just wanted to see what other people thought about it. I would love to hear from an unbiased and neutral female and get their point of view on this situation.
     
  8. tominos

    tominos New Member

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    it is sad but i see it all the time.
     
  9. kronik85

    kronik85 New Member

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    i have a tendency to do this, drop time with friends when i get a gf.
     
  10. Chris90210

    Chris90210 New Member

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    sometimes? If they are just wanting pussy no.... If they care about the chick then yes.
     
  11. McFly

    McFly New Member

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    This exact thing has happened to me. The girl got engaged after only 3 months knowing this guy.

    To me, there is NEVER an excuse to abandon your close friends. Way too many people are guilty of that when relationships start. This subject has always been heated and personal to me and it is the number one thing that upsets me with friends.

    What do you do about it - call them out on it. I do, and if they mean a lot to me they are going to hear what's on my mind.
     
  12. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    I have to say that at the moment, Im guilty of pretty much the same thing this girl has done, but I dont feel that I've really done anything wrong. Her schedule, her life, and obviously her priorties have changed, but thats what happends when youre in a serious relationship.
    My SO and I are in a LDR so when I get back to my home town (where the SO lives) I want to spend my time with him. There are friends that I really want to see when I'm home, but because of of certain things, sometimes it just doesnt work out.

    Here's the thing though - I still see lots of my friends, just not in the same ways I used to. Im not going to go out on a weeknight to a bar, I'd rather spend my evenings at home with the SO b/c he works full-time. There are friends that I know will say that I "just dont hang out anymore" but thats not true. Just because I dont want to do the same things we used to, at the time THEY'RE available doesnt mean I dont want to hang out. I've make an effort to see/hang out with everyone I can, but they have to be understanding too and make an effort to work with my 'new' schedule and stuff. After writing that, I see how concieted it sounds, but fcuk it, thats the truth. I'm not going to go out of my way for people who just want me to hang out with them when its convient for them, and get mad when I cant but dont ever ask me when I'M free.

    So I guess my question is...do you call her? Invite her when you and your other friends go out? Call her and ask her when she'd like to hang out? Or did you just assume that because she's engaged she wont want to?
     
  13. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

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    Exactly my way of looking at it.


    Well to be honest with you, things started changing when they first got together around 6 maybe 7 months ago. I would call her as normal, wanting her to bring her bf out too so we could all get to know him better, and she just blew us all off almost instantly. There is only so many times for someone to say they don't want to hang out before you get the hint and kind of stop, even though you want to see them.
     
  14. I Pwn Noobs

    I Pwn Noobs Guest

    you're jealous because she's fucking some other dude and not you. you're just mad because now you know that there is NO chance that you will ever get to bang her.
     
  15. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    some people just want to make other people their entire life. if she bases her happiness off of outside sources and not from the inside, then a lover will make her happier than anyone else and so why would she spend time with anyone when she can spend time with her lover?

    IMO this is just a maturity issue, when mature people get into serious relationships/marriage they dont just drop friends. they'll see them less due to the fact that they have a much busier life, but they dont become less of friends.
     
  16. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

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    Thanks for reading the thread and spending the time you did for this ingenius remark.
     
  17. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

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    This is my thinking. Why would anyone simply cut ties with positive relationships and people that make their lives better for no reason? Bah, I don't understand this way of thinking at all. The penis must be the provider of common sense, because some women just seem to do common sense things backwards sometimes.
     
  18. copperkali

    copperkali Mrs. Nicklk

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    Yes, it happens. Every one of my friends have done it to me, and I have done it once as well, and have learned from it. It is nothing I will ever do again because it is stupid. It sucks that people can't take a little time away from their new bf/gf for their friends.
     
  19. GTSlow

    GTSlow New Member

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    I tend to agree. You may not want to admit it but you know it is true.
     
  20. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    since you agree, go ahead and realize that even if you appreciate her in many ways she isnt the same calibur human being that you are, and dont waste time and energy on someone like this.
     
  21. GlobeGuy

    GlobeGuy New Member

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    I have accepted that few of my friends (both male and female) will drop their friends in a flash as soon as they get gf/bf. After their break up, they would want to hang out like we used to. After that point, I'd only meet with them if it's convenient for me (I just happen to be around the same area of town when they called etc). I never go out of my way to help or hang out with them once I know that I will be dropped like a trash once they get with someone. Like NCS said, I do not want to waste time and energy on people like that. I rather solidify friendships that doesn't sink when a SO comes into the picture.
     
  22. ledzep73

    ledzep73 New Member

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    Alot of people drop friends for their new lover, guys and girls alike.
     

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