SRS Girlfriend's father is a miserable fuckstick

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Brian May, Nov 3, 2007.

  1. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    Cliffs are at the bottom

    My girlfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and are both 27 years old. We get along quite well, share a lot in common, her family loves me, we rarely argue, and we love each other very much. I know that I have found the woman I want to marry and she shares the same feelings about me. All is well in that department

    Since we've met, I've earned my GED, went to school for my commercial driver's license, purchased my first home, and currently I am enrolled in school again. Everything right now is almost perfect. Now that I am school again, my free time is limited due to work and studying after classes. I only see my GF once during the week and once or twice weekends, but since she has a curfew of 9:30pm, the time I spend with her is cut short even more. I have asked her to come live with me, which she wants to do but can't because of her father's beliefs that we should be married first and will not allow her to leave home. Unfortunately, due to physical illness and limited income, she hasn't been able to move out on her own again and is stuck living with her overbearing, bullying, abusive and controlling asshole of a father.

    Aside from having a curfew, I know that he has been physically abusive towards her long before we've been together. The last incident I know of is when her and her family were on vacation last summer. He punched her in her lower back which left her in a lot of pain for at least a week. There was another instance where he picked up a wooden stick and hit her over the head with it. When I heard all of this, my first reaction was to go down there and bust up his hands with a ball-pean hammer. She does not want me to do or say anything to her family about this, I am not even supposed to know about these incidents. I bite my tongue and keep quiet out of respect for her wishes. Nothing would please me more than to kill this man and urinate on his dead corpse afterwards.

    My second problem with him is that he is verbally abusive to only my GF but to the rest of her immediate family. I believe him to be bi-polar. On his "good days," as she calls it, he is a great guy to be around and there are no issues. But when you catch him on a "bad day," watch the fuck out. Anyone around him becomes a target of his insults. For example, he will often refer to his wife and daughters as whores and sluts, calls my GF a failure and a fuckup because of mistakes she made 7 years ago which he always feels the need to bring up every day. There was even one instance where he cursed his wife out in right in front of me during a car ride home. Since that happened, I have lost all respect for the man. This is where I began to learn about his horrible behavior that her family has been trying to hide from me.

    As it stands, I'm not sure if I want to be with her anymore. The thought of us breaking up kills me, but I don't know if I can deal with two overbearing families (mine and hers). Even if she were to move in with me, I know he'd constantly stop by to check in on us, call us constantly and generally be a pain in both of our asses. I love my girlfriend dearly, but I am deciding on whether or not she's worth it.

    Not sure what I should do or how to handle this. Any insight is appreciated

    Cliffs:

    Girlfriend and I are 27 years old, love each other and have no problems between us
    She lives at home because of physical illness and limited income
    Her father is controlling, physically/verbally abusive, bi-polar, overbearing and smothering
    I am not supposed to know about his ways and she asks that I keep quiet about it
    We both want to live together, but he wont let her leave because "we should be married first"
    We can't get married right now, but neither of us wants her living at home (mother and family agrees)
    Not sure if I can put up with her father and the problems he causes us.
    I'm considering leaving her :-(
     
  2. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    He is violent and sadistic. If she wont do as he pleases, then he will make her life a living hell.
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    If you marry her, you marry the family. Make no mistake about that....you marry the family. Don't think it will be like the movies where you run away together and live happily ever after.
     
  4. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    Which is exactly why she needs to move out and cut off contact.
     
  5. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    I am well aware of that fact :)
     
  6. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Here's the thing. As long as she is her own guardian /hasn't given away her rights or something like that...it's up to HER to get out. There's nothing you can really do.

    As someone else said, marrying this girl isn't going to make things any better...so if you're not cool with the dad now, it's not going to get better.

    Doesn't really seem like you have much of a choice here...
     
  7. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    She's a fucking adult. She can make decisions on her own and her father will have to understand if he wants to salvage the relationship between them.

    You have no place in this. This is her and her father.
     
  8. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    What I think you need to do is get it in her head to move the fuck out. My GF's father fortunatly is not that abusive, hes more verabally and mentally abusive to her and her family. It took me awhile, but I finally convinced her enough to move the fuck out when shes old enough and to not let him control her.

    You HAVE to convince her, show her how much better her life will be without that shit going on. Im not very fond of domestic violence, and would not hesitate to call the cops to get this scumbag away from my GF.

    The very sad and unfortunate thing about domestic violence that Ive learned, is that the victims do not want to do anything about it because they are afraid of what will happen when they get out of jail or whatever. Usually its because of the financial issues. From what you say, its because he "does not believe anyone who is not married should not live together." She dosnt have to live with you, or who gives a fuck about what her father believes? Seriously, she's 27 years old and should be living on her own by now.

    You say she has physical illness and limited income. If I had a choice to do anything in this situation, I would do this:

    -Get her to move out; you help her get out, and have her live with you. Just have her leave one day, dont let the asshole even know.

    -Get a god damn restraining order on this guy
    -Cut off all contact from him
    -Save her from this hell

    After all the drama and almost neverending shit with my GF's family, I have thought, "is this really worth all the trouble for this girl?" I gave it much thought, and come to the realization that I truly love her, and I know for a fact that she loves me as well. The thing you have to keep in mind, is that she is living in a world of hell, and you may be the only thing that she can hold onto and actually be happy with. People in these situations need someone there for them, someone to love them, becuase they arent really getting love from anyone else. She needs you to keep going.
     
  9. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    Actually, I do. He wanted me to be the one who "asked" him if his daughter could come live with me :ugh:
     
  10. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    Actually, you don't. Your girlfriend is making him part of the equation. She's 27 years old. Time to start acting like it.
     
  11. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    Because she lets the fear she has of her father stop her from living her life. There is no reason for her to seek approval from her father to move out, especially at the age of 27. There's also no reason for me to have to ask for his approval. When I bring this up, all I get from her is responses like "Oh, but you don't understand my father" or "It's not that easy." Nothing in life is fucking easy! We talked about living together back in August, she said she would talk to him about it while they were on vacation. That didn't happen. Then she said she would tell him after her parents came back from their month long vacation in Italy, that of course didn't happen either. Eventually he put 2 and 2 together and her mother finally told him of my GF's plans to come live with me.

    She moved 5 hours away from her parents for 3-4 years. Had her own place, lived with her now ex-BF (who was a bastard), worked, went to school, all that. I'm not all that she knows.
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    throwing in my 2 cents again. After rereading your first post...you've given this girl 2 years. Has she made any progress in moving out? Better yet, has she made any ATTEMPT to start the process?

    If she hasn't, I say GTFO. You've waited long enough for her, you deserve better than her.
     
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I'm sorry man. Sounds like an incredibly frustrating situation.

    What would she say if you said, "I never said it was easy."
     
  14. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    Its starting now and only because her mother told him of her plans to move out with me. If she didn't do that, then I would still be hearing "I want to tell him soon" or "Any day now" or any other one of my girlfriend's attempts to stall.
     
  15. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    i mean.....shit man i don't know waht to say i guess either
    A. convince her to move in with you/friend
    B. Marry her although taht will just probably cause more problems
    C. be there for her till she is ready to move out
    D. (not a fan of this one) leave her like alota other ppl said its between her and her dad
    E. Tell someone and get his ass arrested
    id personally go with A C or E but its your choice good luck :sadwavey:
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2007
  16. FredricaBimmel

    FredricaBimmel Great big fat person

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    What is her physical ailment? Is it something you could take care of handle if she moved in with you full time?
     
  17. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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  18. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    ummm, why didn't she go to the police when he hit her? :confused:

    no man should put his hands on a woman, especially his own daughter :ugh:

    she's a big girl, she is old enough to make her own decisions. if she can afford to live on her own (or with you) and she decides to distance herself away from her nutcase of a father, then she should do so. seems kind of weird she just won't leave. and she can always pay for a moving company to come and haul her stuff if she wishes to leave.

    but i think she should definitely go to the police dept. and report this since it seems to be a re-occuring thing in the household
     
  19. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    :werd:
     
  20. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    Like I said earlier, it's something that's been going on long before I met her. She fears him and what he is capable of doing to her in retaliation. Everybody walks on egg shells with him, they approach him with great caution out of fear he will react physically or just flat out be nasty. I grew up with a mother that was the same way with me. I get the same uneasy feeling around her father that I do with my mother (who I am now estranged from). She knows this.

    I just got off the phone with her. I canceled out on going with her family to some baptismal of some relative I don't know or give a shit about. I told her I didn't want to go because I'm very pissed off about this shit with her father and that I'll be in a shitty mood all day. I'd rather not be around her family while I am like this. Now she's upset and crying. It sounds mean, but I am starting not to care anymore. I feel the end is near :wtc:
     
  21. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    :sadwavey: good luck
     
  22. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    well, everyone will continue to walk on eggshells around him and fear him until something is done. if everyone wants to walk around scared and timid, oh well, that's them. they probably won't learn until something serious happens, like someone gets really hurt by him.

    but if you feel like the end is near between you and her, then maybe it needs to happen. no point in you being involved into a family like that, cause god knows what he may do to you :o
     

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