SRS Girlfriend wants an engagement ring...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by verbal, Oct 18, 2008.

  1. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    My girlfriend has been pushing marriage lately. We had a long talk today and we're both confused about where our relationship is going. We have some issues that REALLY need to be worked out before I'll give her an engagement ring. She has expressed these issues but still wants the ring. I have a wedding ring from my grandmother that I'll be using-- it just needs a new setting.

    Long story short, we've been on a rollercoaster lately. Things are great, then their down, then their great, etc. We need help. I've been trying to get her to go to a couples therapist for the past two months, but she doesn't want to go. Her only reason for not wanting to go is because "we can't afford it." I know we can afford it. If I can afford to get the ring fixed up to give her (and that's what she wants), I can afford to see a couples therapist. Deep down I don't think she wants to hear that she might be wrong about something or whatever.

    I spoke with a close female friend and she recommended that I give her a promise ring and use that as proof I'm committed and explain that we need to see a couples therapist. That idea sounds good to me, but I'm 30 and she's 28-- a promise ring seems kinda silly.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
     
  2. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    Sounds to me like she wants this because she feels an engagement will "fix" the problems in your relationship. It won't. Don't allow yourself to be pressued into something you don't really want, if she gets pissed, then she does. The issues need to be worked out BEFORE there is any type of engagement, or you are both just setting yourself up for failure. Tell her if the relationship, and you, are important to her, you'll find a way to afford the therapist.
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Your gf wants the ring as a sign of commitment...don't buy a ring just to please her.

    Get one when you feel ready to commit, right now you don't sound ready, and it would be stupid to buy the ring and pretend you are.
     
  4. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    first impression
    get rid of her NOW.
     
  5. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I just don't know what to do here. She's under the impression that I'm afraid of marriage and all that. She's the type of person that comes up with her own conclusions and nothing anyone says can change that. Except maybe her mother. Her mother is the only person I know that can make her think differently about things. I could tell her the sky is green and she'd tell me I'm full of shit, but if her mom told her she'd believe it.

    I'm not going to give her a ring right now except maybe a promise ring. But I know we need counseling. I dunno what to do here.
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Fundaments come first. First you two need to have your lives sorted out before you engage into any form of permanent commitment. Do it the other way around and your in for an extreme failure, i learned that the hard way. :sad2:
     
  7. 396Hawk

    396Hawk Active Member

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    How long is the promise ring going to last? She'll be back on the engagement ring kick before you know it.

    I wouldn't give her any kind of ring unless you are sure that you are both ready and from the little I know, I would say you are far from it.
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    from this post, and your first one about her not wanting to go to marriage counseling...do you really want to start heading down the path to marriage with this girl?

    I know I don't know a whole lot about your situation, but the stuff you have posted does not bode well for the future of the relationship, hate to tell you.

    Cut your losses. She admits that the relationship has problems, but won't see a counselor because it would cost too much...but she wants an engagement ring?

    It's probably going to have to end.
     
  9. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I was wondering why he'd head toward marriage with a girl who needs marriage counseling before getting married.
     
  10. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I've been trying to explain that to her. We both have issues with need to straighten out first before even thinking about getting engaged. But she thinks the fact that we've been together 3.5 years and have a daughter is enough. Her dream is to be married with kids and I'm "not fulfilling her dreams."

    I'm seeing this ego side of her I've never seen before. She keeps saying that she's "a great catch, down to earth, other boyfriends always realize what they had after they broke up with her and come back and I'll do the same" etc.

    She came home from work drunk last night and we got into a discussion/argument. She agreed to couples therapy but it wasn't exactly "Ok I'll go" it was "Make the appointment cause thats the last thing I can do." or something like that.

    I didn't mention until this post that we have a daughter. I know kids are the worst reason to keep things going, but I want my family to stay together. I want to try everything before ending it. I'm just sick of the rollercoaster she (we're) on. I need some outside party that will open her eyes and make her see what she's doing. I can't do that. And sadly, I don't think I ever will. I've been talking to my close female friend and she said she went through the same thing with her exhusband. She didn't realize what she did until way after the relationship was over.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2008
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :rofl: Oh man, so set for fail....

    Any woman who is begging for an engagement ring is not the kind of woman to marry, EVER. She's the kind of woman who looks at marriage as a finish line. By having a ring she'll feel more secure and stable in your relationship, but that's not how it should work. However, what tends to happen is these women do get the ring and do get married and the marriage is a train wreck.

    Once they've got you they stop trying to please you because they feel like they've finally got you and don't need to try anymore.

    Never marry for a child. Never marry when your relationship has serious issues. Go to the couple's therapy and maybe even ask the therapist what he/she thinks about you two getting married. I bet his/her answer will be eye opening.
     
  12. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    well that changes things a bit. If I knew you had a daughter together I wouldn't have been so quick to tell you to get rid of her. It's definitely not a reason to get married, but it does give more reason to work at the relationship.

    Just make the appt. Tell her when it is, tell her you're going, tell her there is no way there will be a ring until at least YOU have done some therapy. She'll probably go with you, but even if she doesn't you're going to learn stuff about yourself that will help you deal with her.
     
  13. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    You can still be in your daughter's life if you two aren't together. I think it would be better for her to have contact with you, but not be surrounded by two people who do not want to be together...

    So yes, keep working at the relationship, but if it becomes clear that it will not work, do not stay in there just for your daughter. No one wants to grow up in a home with two people who can't stand being together.

    And don't even think about marriage/getting engaged for a few months, no matter how much she brings it up. It will change NOTHING in this situation.
     
  14. NuShooz

    NuShooz OT Supporter

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    QFT. Her thinking is totally backwards. Marriage should be the next step if you already feel secure and stable in your relationship. Marriage should not be a fix-it-all tool. It should be a symbol of what you already have together. If you guys are already on the ropes and pretty confused, marriage is just gonna enhance that feeling.
     
  15. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    QFT!!! :bowdown:

    for starters, good for you for standing your ground and not giving in. i have had girl friends of mine demand engagement rings and their boyfriends gave them to them :uh: [i will say that one is still married and has been for 3+ years, but she totally wears the pants in the relationship.]

    the issue here, though, is not only the engagement ring. the issue is her stubbornness and unwillingness to fix the problems in your relationship. she seems like a "right-fighter." no matter what it takes, she has to be right about every issue, discussion, and/or argument. this type of behavior is not going to work very well in any relationship, let alone a marriage. i'm sure you know that.

    despite her agreeing to counseling, her attitude about the whole thing is rather piss poor. in order to gain anything out of counseling, your heart must be fully committed. if she's not interested in discussing everything about the relationship and laying all the cards on the table, there's really no point investing your time.

    tread carefully, my friend. :sad2: do not jump into anything
     
  16. ilovejewelry

    ilovejewelry New Member

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    3.5 years and you can't commit. I can see her point a bit too :( regardless, it's not the right time for you guys and if it bothers her that much then maybe she's not for you. Why drag something on if you are both not commited. Kid involved or not.
     
  17. GanglyGoodness

    GanglyGoodness .

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    If you need a shiny rock to "commit" to a relationship then there's something fundamentally wrong, but judging by your screen name, a shiny rock is more important than love and the relationship itself.
     
  18. ilovejewelry

    ilovejewelry New Member

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    My screen name is because I make jewelry, not rings by the way.

    lol no one needs it to commit, but if it would make her feel better then why not? He loves her? He's working on keeping her? Get engaged and go to counselling make a deal.

    "I love you, I am commited I will give you a ring if thats what you need to see that, but I need to know you are commited to and I want you to go to counselling."

    A ring is not signing a paper, from what it seems she wants to know that YOU are committed(wanting a promise ring).

    In any relationship my theory is give it all or get out.

    and personally I do not believe marriage is anything but a piece of paper.
     
  19. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i think he is actually smart to not propose before these problems get taken care of. so often, when people get engaged, they get caught up in the excitment of planning a wedding that they ignore the problems that are there.

    and he is committing to her by wanting to go to counseling. that is showing he wants to make an honest effort for the relationship and fix things that are problems. she is the one who is not committing to make the relationship work by not wanting to join him
     
  20. GanglyGoodness

    GanglyGoodness .

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    Why does he need to get engaged AND then go to therapy? He's already suggested the idea to his SO and she apparently doesn't find it beneficial. It looks to me like he's the on committing to the relationship a lot more than she is. It would make a lot more sense if they worked out their problems before getting engaged.
     
  21. ilovejewelry

    ilovejewelry New Member

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    maybe it means something completely different to her.
     
  22. ilovejewelry

    ilovejewelry New Member

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    I didnt say to ignore a problem....

    Maybe she like many other women want to know he's commited and to alot of women a ring or that promise even without the ring can make a difference.

    I have not been in the situation, but if I am with someone for 3 and a half years and he didnt want to marry me and be with me forever, then see ya. Thats how I feel. There will always be problems to work through in any relationship. You either work through them and give it your all and yes get counselling or get out.

    No one here knows the whole story I am just trying to offer an opinion...

    If I was in her shoes I would be wondering after 2 years what in the hell is he waiting for. I wouldn't spend 2 years of my life commited to a man if he was not committed to me. Simple. Now commitment enough to me would be, "yes I would marry you" I dont need a ring personally.
     
  23. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    im not claiming you said to ignore the problems, its just something that would automatically happen. ive watched far too many people get engaged, or married or even have a kid and said "yeah, we will go to counseling after" and never have. the TS is being smart for wanting to take care of these problems first. the fact that his gf doesnt think they have enough money for the counseling to improve their relationship, but wants the ring shows where her thoughts lie.

    i too would leave someone if they could not commit to me after even a year. what we dont know is if the TS has told his gf that he would like to marry her, or if he refuses to discuss the topic.
     
  24. ilovejewelry

    ilovejewelry New Member

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    I thought she said she would go to counselling? I just see it differently, my thought would be, why work on this if you are not even committed to me. I would be hurt in her shoes especially with a child. to men its just a ring but to alot of women, its alot more then that. It commitment. Also if you try to fix every problem in every relationship you have before getting married, then you again might as well split in my opinion. But it depends on what the problems are, something simple like my bf's a lazy slob, well I would just beat him. LOL IM KIDDING. but that is so minor. but something like, she never wants to hav sex with me, major. I am reading this situation based on what I know. I am spoiled I will admit that if i don't feel total love and commitment, I am gone, child or not, I should know I am a semi single parent.
     
  25. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    it can easily be thought of in the complete opposite way of, why give you a ring if you are not willing to work on this with me?

    i would never marry someone that would not be willing to go to counseling.

    i would hope that the TS has been open with his gf about how he feels and the fact that he wants to marry her. and i assume that since the TS wants to go to counseling, these are major problems, not just minor typical relationship problems. and if you cant fix problems before you get married, thats a bad sign and you probably shouldnt be together in the first place. i dont mean that my relationship is perfect, but i wouldnt say there is a reoccuring problem that needs to be worked out, but i still would not have been opposed to counseling had my SO wanted to do that before we got engaged
     

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