SRS Girlfriend sacrificing her happiness for the sake of her "friends"

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cthalupa, Jul 5, 2008.

  1. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    My girlfriend is amazingly sweet, caring, understanding, etc, which is something I love about her... Except for when she's these things at the expense of her own happiness. When it comes to people she calls her friends, this happens somewhat often.

    Several of them abuse their friendship, using her as some sort of emotional dumping grounds for all of their problems. In the past, when she's tried to talk to them about even small issues, they flat out ignore her, but don't notice the hypocrisy in their lack of caring while at the same time constantly using her in this manner, and often times even asking her to intervene in the situation!

    One of them recently needed a place to stay for a handful of days because of some of her problems, and my girlfriend let her. During this ~5 day period, she did seemingly everything possible to make my gf's life a living hell. Constantly bitched, monopolized the phone/computer/tv/etc, whenever they went out to do something to try and get her mind off of her problems, the girl would bitch about being out and about until my gf would say fuck it and head back to the house.

    She didn't complain to this girl once about her behavior, etc. She didn't have the heart to.

    Most cases aren't as extreme as that, but her friends do this sort of thing on a smaller scale constantly. She tries to avoid hanging out with the worst offenders, but then they guilt her into going, and she feels bad about avoiding them, so she'll agree to do something with them, and ultimately ends up having no fun at all in the best case scenario, or will leave downright miserable on average.

    She acts like she deserves the treatment they give her, because she avoids them when she can. I can't get her to see that she avoids them because they treat her like this, and she shouldn't feel guilty about avoiding people that make her unhappy, much less truly count them as friends.

    I don't see how these people can be so immature past high school. Fuck, I think most of the people I knew were more mature than some of the people she counts as friends DURING high school.

    She beats herself up about it, and whenever I try to broach the subject with her, she just acts like it's karma, and that there's nothing she can do about it. I tell her to try and make new friends, because there are plenty of decent people out there, but she doesn't make the effort to. She's extremely pretty (Way out of my league :o), very fun to be around, smart, etc, so I don't really understand why she's so antisocial in this regard.

    It's a LDR [Which I'm perfectly happy with], so I can't introduce her to new people myself, and help her find some new friends, so I'm limitted to mostly just having her sit down and have a serious discussion about it. Nothing I've said so far has really had an effect - she is just stuck in the mindset that she deserves the way they treat her because she's avoided them, and feels guilty and bad for them because she doesn't see them.

    Any advice on how to get through to her? It's killing me to see that the only happiness she takes from her social life his her relationship with me, and that the rest of it, she ends up being unhappy with. She deserves to have nice friends, who care about her as much as she cares about them.

    Cliffs: Girlfriend is too nice for her own good. Her friends treat her like shit, and she thinks she deserves it because she avoids them when possible [Because they treat her like shit]. Having no luck getting her to realize that she shouldn't feel guilty about avoiding people who get her down.
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    You can't tell her things if she isn't willing to listen.

    What you CAN do, is decide if you want to be with a person who allows herself to be used like this.
     
  3. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    I've been in this place before. Its kind of tricky because if you don't hang out with your "shitty" friends and all of your friends are shitty then you don't have that outside social life. On the other hand sometimes bad friends can be more appealing than no friends because every now and then you will do something fun. I am thankful my last b/f was able to point out to me exactly what you are trying to point out to your girlfriend because it took a lot for me to see it. However it took me realizing it to take action. She needs to realize how not right it is to take action herself which means she needs to know why she doesn't deserve it and not just that it is kind of shitty.

    Maybe things will change down the road. Maybe you can help her meet some new people at some point. I almost want to say if she is really dead set against making the efforts to meet new people, you shouldn't push her to not hang out with these friends because she does need friends every now and then to be with. She might need some support meeting new people. This may just be something that is going to be in the picture for a while. Just be there and give her positive encouragement and help to move in the right direction. I'm sure she will come around but that is kind of a sensitive thing for her right now I would guess with your relationship being long distance.

    I dunno thats my not very helpful advice..... lol
     
  4. weibchenmeister

    weibchenmeister Well-Known Member

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    Your girlfriend is insecure, broski. Sounds like you're also both young. One thing, though, is that she's going to have to be the one that decides she's ready to change. She probably had an abusive relationship growing up, maybe with her family. Whatever the case, it's unlikely you'll be very successful at trying to change her personality. This is going to be something that comes with time and maturity and something that has to come from within herself.
     
  5. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    I realize I can't force her to change, but I just wish there was some way I could help point it out to her, to help her realize it.

    WGD87, that's pretty much it exactly. She has a handful of good friends, but they're fairly busy most of the time, so she sees them less than she would like.

    There isn't a question in my mind about whether or not I want to be with her - it's by far been the best relationship I've ever had, even with not being able to see her as often as I like. The overwhelming majority of the time, things are perfect. And for the most part, she does avoid her friends that treat her like this, but every now and then, she feels guilty about ignoring their calls, etc., so she'll end up doing something with them.


    As for an abusive relationship... Not really that, and her family life was always pretty good, but her mom had her when she was 16, and then remarried when she was 24. Her stepdad treated her... nicely, but never like a child of his own, and she looked up to him like a father figure. When her mom had more children, it only made it more obvious, and even now, when away from all of that, it's still a sore spot with her, years later. I'm no psychologist, but I think a lot of it comes from that.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2008
  6. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    I would just be loving and considerate of this all. You seem like you have the right intentions and wish the best for her. If her friends do something to upset her point it out in a caring way. Every now and then point out what a good friend someone seems to be or what was wrong about what so and so did if that is how you feel but I really think time and thought on her part is all that will make the difference. Getting her worked up by pursuing this any farther might not be a good idea. Especially if she does try and avoid these people to the extent you say she is. She gets it, she just, for some reason, doesn't want to take that extra step to cut ties and that probably comes with some insecurity I think people just have when they are young sometimes. If she cuts ties with them she will be kind of friendless except for you and like, every now and then someone might call. What happens if those people grow too distant and you guys break up? I think maybe her bad friends are needy friends and that is something she can count on having because stuff around her is unstable or at least not very permanent. Give it some time. I think maybe if her other friends were available more or even if you were, what you wish would happen would and some day that will probably happen. I think the more comfortable people get in their life the less they care about stuff like that.
     
  7. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    You've offered me a whole lot of good advice, and I really appreciate it. She's said in the past that if we lived closer to each other, she pretty much wouldn't be around them at all. Whenever I'm visiting her, she doesn't see them at all, and she's always so much happier than she is when she's dealing with them.

    I guess it isn't something that is really a big deal in the long run - she plans on moving to Dallas as soon as things are financially possible, and I know quite a few people that I think she would get along with, who I know to be good friends... I just wish she could have that kind of connection with people now. It hurts me to see her down, and while it isn't a common occurence, it does happen.
     

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