SRS Girlfriend, moving out, arghhhh

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by TrevorK, Apr 26, 2005.

  1. TrevorK

    TrevorK New Member

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    Here's the situation.

    I'm 23, make a very comfortable living, live in my own house (Large enough that space for the 2 of us isn't a problem) I just bought a couple months ago. I have a girlfriend who's almost 20, finishing up her second year of university that I've been going out with for almost 3 years.

    When she found out I was getting a place of my own, she was excited, and wanted to join me. I told her sure - as long as it's what she wanted.

    So she went to tell her parents. Who promptly flipped, yelled at her, told her it was against their family values (And no, they are not religious and know that we've had sex), gave her a huge speech about it disrespecting them, saying that living together before marraige would ruin their opinion of our relationship, etc... (You probably know the drill).

    After a lot of yelling with her parents, them telling her they'd disown her (And no, no inheritance or any other tie than a natural emotional attachment) if she moved out. So she then changed her mind.

    Then she decided she'd spend the weekends (sleep over) at my place most of the time. So she told her parents this. Who flipped on her again, same stuff over and over from the last arguement. But this time, my girlfriend did spend the night over, and when she got back home, got yelled at more. Now she's apparently afraid of getting kicked out as they've hinted at that. They aren't talking to her at all - and told her that I'm not to come to the door anymore to pick her up (Which I always do - she has to come to the car now).

    My take on the entire situation has been to never tell her what to do - to always tell her that I want her to make the decision herself (As she's had a habit of letting her parents strongly influence her) and I'll help her any way I can in doing that. Of course I have my opinions, but I let them out so that she can make her own decision.

    Now she's trying to figure out if she can move out on her own while going to school and working the same hours she has been the past two years (Working more isn't really an option because of her and school, she can't handle it). And over the past two years, she's already maxed out her line of credit (Parent's co-signed, good luck that they keep doing it) at $5500 (Tuition is only 4000-5000/year) in Canada).

    She then told me that she'll have to move in with me if she actually gets kicked out.



    I have soooo many issues over this whole thing. I've never had to go through this, whether on my own, or through a girlfriend/relative/friend.

    I think we're at the point (3 years) that would should move to the next step which is in both of our opinions living together (that's even what we still want). She thought that too - but now after the backlash from her family is stepping away from it.

    I'm trying to support her in this, but it's getting hard to get through it. I feel so pissed off at the way her parents are treating her, but then I feel so pissed off at how she's now treating me.

    So she'll only move out with me if her parents approve? Or if she gets kicked out from her house?

    She knows I'd never get married without living with someone first, and she agrees it's a good idea. Her parents have said they'll never approve of that, and would basically get mad and cut off contact with us. And then they told her the whole family (relatives and that) would too.

    It's one big clusterfuck, and I don't know what to do. On one hand, I feel like I'm just being used for convinience, on another hand I feel like I'm just causing her nothing but problems, on another hand I feel like she can't make her own decision, and so much more....


    arrrggghhhhh
     
  2. w00tpoint

    w00tpoint New Member

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    sounds like her family has got some problems, then. its perfectly fine for them to not aprove of her living with you, thats there prerogative and its not uncommon. what isn't right, though, it the fact that they would consider disowning their daughter for that. she is a woman capable (hopefully) of making decisions for what is best in her life. that role does not belong to her parents.
    i think someone needs to tell her and her parents this. dissaproving is fine, even asking her flat out to not move in with you, any of those things, but the responce they have given is way off base.
    your girlfriend should tell her parents that they need to respect her enough make her own decisions. not your problem. its between her and her parents.
     
  3. TrevorK

    TrevorK New Member

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    She actually told them that they should respect her decision.

    They then told her that no, she should be respecting what her parents want because "we are right" and "you'll thank us later".

    It's driving me crazy. I have 0 stress in life except for this.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Ok just take her in your house, give her the time to study and give her breathing space and no pressure. The so called ' freedom within boundries rule ' namely that she has to apply to the 'normal' house rules. And that she can stay with you for as long as needed ' at least till she completed her study' , her parents are crazy. Or just afraid to let their daughter go. I think there's a fair chance that she is still daddy's little girl, who can't move out on her own. It will fade away, you see its all about giving her parents the feeling that their daughter is at a secure place, with a secure future, with a secure financial situation.

    Tell her parents that it's very normal that partners live together in a house for a couple of years, (don't mention marriage) to see if they make a great couple. And if not they can step out. It beats finding out that she is married and being pregnant already. And disowning her for being a human being and having a relationship is just plain out rediculous. I think you have a poor relationship with her parents, maby you can manage to find some ways to improve that situation.
     
  5. ChickenH

    ChickenH Enita non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem.

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    overprotective controlling parents seem to do this a lot. ITs in their handbook i think. The child affected usually makes a descision based on what everyone else wants instead of what they want. Because they were not given space to grow up and make their own wrong or right choices. By the early 20s kids should only be getting advice not full support &and controll from their parents. Anything else just retards independant growth.
     
  6. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Sounds close to what I have to deal with... just a little easier :) Basically her parents are protective... who wouldn't be of their 20 yr old daughter? So you haven't gained any trust from the parents yet.. this is the tricky part. Shes obviously tied in deep with the parents, and if you ever want your relationship to get past 3 years, i highly suggest not burning the bridge between you and her parents.

    Let her sort out her own shit with her parents, don't be the bad guy in this picture, it's only gonna make things harder and rougher for the two of you later. Thats my take on it.
     
  7. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    if i had a daughter and she was 20, there's no way in hell i would let her live with a bf until she finished college and stopped living on my money.
     
  8. whitepearl

    whitepearl OT Supporter

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    wow, you sound like my parents..
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Then don't be overly strict when she's young. Treat her (when she's still small) with respect and dignity and show her you trust her judgement.

    You do that by letting her make decisions and you standing by her when she makes them. Of course you correct her when she makes poor ones.

    This way, when she's 18, she'll be a mature responsible adult (instead of a little girl in a woman's body) and stuff like this won't even come up. It'll be a done deal.

    (This is a general comment and not really directed at you, Bleed)

    And in the vernacular of our times: overprotective, hypercontrolling parents=teh lose.
    And they become unexpected grandparents real early...

    You think people would figure this out by just looking society...but whatever
     
  10. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Family Values = Reproduce As Teenagers
     
  11. Mel

    Mel RIP James :(

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    I have made many a poor decision in my life, and my parents have always tried to steer me away from the wrong decisions. It's what parents do. I do think that they should let your girlfriend make the decision on her own and while they should of course persuade her nicely to do what they think is right (surprisingly, parents are right more than we give them credit) they shouldn't threaten her the way that they do.

    Moving together (even after 3 years) is a huge step. After having not only moved in with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years, but also having moved out of state for him, I can honestly see where her parents are coming from. I won't say that it's NOT a good decision, but for many, this isn't always a GOOD decision. If that makes any sense. People that live together full time before marriage don't tend to take the relationship as .... seriously as those that are married. Not being married makes it much easier to not work on something.

    Give it time. Perhaps you and your gf both should sit down and talk (hopefully maturely) with her parents and find out just WHY they don't want her to do it. Just a thought.

    Good luck.
     
  12. Bean

    Bean Guest

    Well, you've received some good points to look at.

    My question is: Why do you want to live together before you marry her? You've been together 3 years, you have sexual relations with her, you obviously know her inside and out, and she knows you. What are you expecting to find out during the course of living with her that you would not find out if you married her? Are you afraid of the commitment values?

    I'm not disapproving of living together before marriage, in fact, done it myself. But I strongly recommend looking at the question from this point of view also.

    I have a daughter. I would *prefer* to see her finish her education before she settled down. I have hopefully, encouraged her in all the right ways to make her own decisions and accept responsiblity for them. But she's only 9 (LOL, and I'm very protective of her without being smothering). I can imagine a time when she is in her 20's, in university, dating, and being a fully responsible self-aware young woman. That being said...I will personally hunt down and do damage to any man that hurts her. It's a parent thing.

    Talk to her parents with her. Find out why they are so against her moving out. It may be something as simple as them wanting her to finish her education first.
     

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